is there a right moment?

This morning I thought he would die. He was lying on the window sill in the kitchen, on his side, purring non-stop, eyes wide open, looking somewhere, mouth open, breathing heavily in and out. I was putting my hand on his back and his eyes were moving towards me, and then looking at me, but he didn't do anything else. I'm not sure, if he wanted to tell me something, I thought, if he died like that, quietly and purring, it'd be the best for him. And what about the pain? He didn't look like he was in pain, but I was ready to give him the painkiller anyway, till I read in the instruction insert that it shouldn't be given in case of kidney problems. Did the vet know that? Do I have to remind her of it? Shouldn't she have addressed the problem when giving me the drug? f*** shit. Can we trust and rely on any doctors AT ALL??? Do I really have to call HER tomorrow and then ask about it?

Anyways, after many tears on my side, I decided to let him sniff at the emergency paste. And guess what, his head immediately jerked up, highly alert, eyes all focussed, he sat up and started licking at it. What a difference. He must have been and still is extremely hungry, but he cannot or doesn't want to eat. It's strange and heartrending to watch. His life is running double tracked at the moment. And sometimes he can change from one track to the other in a second. But that's just his outward appearance, inside it is probably the same old pain and suffering non-stop.

I had been asking myself if it would be best to euthanize him next week. But while thinking about it, I heard him scratching the floor next to the telephone. I knew immediately what he was up to. So I ran to the telephone, saw him crouching there, ready to poop or pee, and shouted, "Into the box! Into the box, please!", and, surprisingly enough, when I said "please!", he packed up again, and moved the three steps into the litter box, sat down again, and, to my utter surprise and in front of my eyes, laid the longest and thickest sausage, I have ever seen coming out of a cat. I was speechless, and so was he, still afraid that I might be angry with him. I still couldn't believe my eyes. Such a small and feeble cat, capable of such a poop? What is going on here?

To cut a not so long story short, it is really difficult to say if he is actually in pain and needs or wants to be delivered from his ordeal. He seems to eat more than I am aware of, and maybe it is not the older cat but he who is eating all the cat food during the night. This would be a clear sign to wait with euthanasia. But still, I feel completely unable to say, and it is not because I don't want to let him go.

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