I am rapidly approaching a degree of cynicism from which there can be no hope of return.
Once upon a time, I was an incurable romantic.
I believed love could conquer all.
I believed that everyone loved the way I did. No conditions, no limits.
Tirelessly, effortlessly, completely.
In this advanced state of emotional decay, the worst possible thing that can happen has happened.
My tears have dried up.
I have always said, "If I'm crying, there's still hope for this relationship. Be worried when I stop."
And that well has gone bone dry.
I have begun to feel happy when I imagine it all over and done with.
The level of resentment boiling in me cannot be healthy.
No one knows better than me what an utter pain in the arse I am.
You have to REALLY, REALLY love me to endure me.
I warned him very early on in the whole saga. I had established a policy of not having any more relationships, with anyone. EVER!
But, I am gullible. The fault lies with me.
I am the one who knew better, I should have held fast to what my head had to say on the matter.
This is why I don't usually have policies any more.
I am shite at follow through.
I'd almost rather not have opinions than to profess them and not stick by them.
I cannot abide hypocrisy, but by the same token, I am having difficulty living life with my head instead of my heart. I have always upon always done exactly as my heart desired. There are very few times in my life where anything critical was occurring where I went with anything the head had to say on the subject.
Heart-led to a nauseating character flaw.
But, that is precisely why I have adventures!
I don't actually mind when things go tits up. I find they have as much a tendency for doing so whether any
prior planning has taken place or not, regardless of the endeavour.
That's pretty much why I don't plan or count on anything (or anyone) any more.
I wanna go all Garbo on the whole situation and simply be alone.
No one to consult, no one to whom I must answer or obey, for f***S sake.
It's not my area, obedience. My Mom would vouch for this.
I am more along the lines of oppositionally defiant.
Hence Mum's deployment of reverse psychology early on in my existence.
They never tried to "break me", they would just get me to do the right thing allowing me to think
I was rebelling. I'm not so much this way any more, being older and exhausted.
But it does tend to emerge with someone in my face insisting I follow their "commands".
Get Stuffed.
Anyway, I'm not meant to be saddled. Although, I will take up with companions for long stretches, I am
never thriving in those situations. I need autonomy.
I think what I will mourn the most is leaving England.
I gotta dash, but I will be back with more on this, if you can endure it.
"gasping, dying, but somehow, still alive.
this is the final stand of all I am"
Once upon a time, I was an incurable romantic.
I believed love could conquer all.
I believed that everyone loved the way I did. No conditions, no limits.
Tirelessly, effortlessly, completely.
In this advanced state of emotional decay, the worst possible thing that can happen has happened.
My tears have dried up.
I have always said, "If I'm crying, there's still hope for this relationship. Be worried when I stop."
And that well has gone bone dry.
I have begun to feel happy when I imagine it all over and done with.
The level of resentment boiling in me cannot be healthy.
No one knows better than me what an utter pain in the arse I am.
You have to REALLY, REALLY love me to endure me.
I warned him very early on in the whole saga. I had established a policy of not having any more relationships, with anyone. EVER!
But, I am gullible. The fault lies with me.
I am the one who knew better, I should have held fast to what my head had to say on the matter.
This is why I don't usually have policies any more.
I am shite at follow through.
I'd almost rather not have opinions than to profess them and not stick by them.
I cannot abide hypocrisy, but by the same token, I am having difficulty living life with my head instead of my heart. I have always upon always done exactly as my heart desired. There are very few times in my life where anything critical was occurring where I went with anything the head had to say on the subject.
Heart-led to a nauseating character flaw.
But, that is precisely why I have adventures!
I don't actually mind when things go tits up. I find they have as much a tendency for doing so whether any
prior planning has taken place or not, regardless of the endeavour.
That's pretty much why I don't plan or count on anything (or anyone) any more.
I wanna go all Garbo on the whole situation and simply be alone.
No one to consult, no one to whom I must answer or obey, for f***S sake.
It's not my area, obedience. My Mom would vouch for this.
I am more along the lines of oppositionally defiant.
Hence Mum's deployment of reverse psychology early on in my existence.
They never tried to "break me", they would just get me to do the right thing allowing me to think
I was rebelling. I'm not so much this way any more, being older and exhausted.
But it does tend to emerge with someone in my face insisting I follow their "commands".
Get Stuffed.
Anyway, I'm not meant to be saddled. Although, I will take up with companions for long stretches, I am
never thriving in those situations. I need autonomy.
I think what I will mourn the most is leaving England.
I gotta dash, but I will be back with more on this, if you can endure it.
"gasping, dying, but somehow, still alive.
this is the final stand of all I am"
