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Part of the inherited waste from my past are two more amalgam fillings which i want to get rid off this year. The dentist I went to this morning specializes on the removal of amalgam toxins and also offers advice on adequate heavy metal detoxification. While I was waiting for my appointment in the waiting room, I watched a snow storm building up outside and the sun disappeared. Quite a sudden break in the weather. Even though it was pretty chilly this morning, i wouldn't have expected a snow storm of this dimension. In came a mother with four kids, three girls and one boy. The oldest girl, a sullen slightly overweighed teenager, was wearing a tee and her left wounded arm was covered with inflamed cuttings of her skin from the wrist to the crook of the ellbow. She was sitting opposite her mother, her left arm lying on her knee all exposed, for her mother and the rest of the world to see, but especially her mother. The mother grabbed a children's book and read it to the two youngest kids, head bowed down to the pages. Whenever the teen complained and nagged about all sorts of things, the mother looked up tiredly and replied calmly but not really interested, finishing each sentence with "precious sweetheart", which sounded very odd, as if someone had adviced her to do so, and she tried to get used to this procedure, like the rest of the family too. I don't know why, but she was repeatedly looking in my direction, beaming a smile, and i wondered whether I should recognize her. Her look made me feel awkward, like being the oldest child of five, the one that had turned out well.

This time-displaced motherly smile in the waiting room reminded me of the years when I participated in family constellations of all sorts, it was almost a hobby back then, something to do on a Friday evening or Sunday morning. I thought the sessions based on the Bert Hellinger method were the most intense but the others were quite interesting too. Strangely enough, I'd never had the chance to watch my own family constellation unfold, because usually the time slots had already been given away before the sessions started. In the beginning, i didn't mind, because usually I was chosen all the time by the people setting up the constellations, for the sister, the aunt, the mother, the younger brother, a dead soldier in the trenches of Stalingrad (a role which I quite liked, there was something peaceful about it, and I was allowed to lie under a warm blanket and also stay there even though the family had asked me to join them back home. I replied with, "I prefer Stalingrad to you, leave me alone" which caused some consternation), the stillborn twin, the husband's coworker affair, etc. It was quite some fun portraying the emotional states that welled up in the family members that i personified, but sometimes I wondered how much was really the character's feelings and how much was my own. But nobody seemed to care about this, so I just prattled on in meticulous detail about sensations and wafts of obscure feelings that had entered my mind. My interest in this activity waned a few months later when I noticed that constantly playing other people's characters was exhausting me completely and was also deeply dissatisfying. The last session I visited ended for me when I was asked whether I would like to accept the invitation to play "Sister Uta" and I answered "No, sorry, but I am not available." This was quite a relief and since then I've never returned.

The new dentist is calm, patient, up-to-date and has warm hands under the plastic gloves, something I like in dentists. She told me that I would only get an appointment for the amalgam removal if I visited a colleague of hers, an alternative practitioner, who would conduct a muscle test to check my liver and kidney capacity to withstand toxin stressors. Unfortunately, I know this colleague of hers and I consider her one of those hanky-panky folks that twist your arms around and lay substances in glass tubes on your chest to prove that your liver is currently under stress because there is no resistance in the muscle when they jerk back the arm. I told her that I was not a fan of this method, but she remained firm. Probably they are friends, and now i have to bite the bullet to get my appointment. So, I complied. She adviced me to stop detoxing with chlorella, because it might already loosen quicksilver in the fillings, and that my fatigue might be caused by just that, "Tiredness is the pain of the liver", she said. Strange, I guess that every practitioner has their own answer to what the reasons of tiredness are.

Anyways, now that I am back in the future, it is the girl with the wounded arms in the waiting room that I remember. She looked disappointed and sad, a snotty miss, uncomfortable in her skin, cautiously complaining in an almost whispering voice that her mother had made her come to the dentist so early in the morning, and also during a snow storm, yes, a SNOW STORM, hello, even though she, the girl, had gone to bed only a 3:30 am (but nobody wants to know why), and now she had to sit around here and wait for hours. That's family life, as a child you are stuck in it, if you like it or not. At the mercy of immature idiots who revolve around themselves only, and they don't care how you feel, if you are glum or gloomy, alone or connected, if you are there or not, what you want or don't want, or who you are, because nobody really cares.


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cat on a train
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