After All This Time

I`m feeling pretty blue at the moment. Blue and empty inside. I feel the time passing by and I`m still here. It`s been better and it`s been much worse but it never goes away. Ever since I became ill I feel like I've never had a moment of peace. My mind is always going on a loop thinking of the worse case scenario`s . I haven`t hurt myself physically in years now and I don`t want to really return to that unhealthy type of coping mechanism but sometimes I miss it like an old friend. I mean it really felt like friend when I was doing that. In a strange way it would comfort me and make me feel better. It was a release of all the sadness and pain I felt inside of me. The other side of the coin tells a different story. One of always having to hide my wounds. The ones on my legs were easier to hide. The ones on my arms were a different story . I had to wear long sleeves all the time to hide what I had done to myself. To this day I still have to explain what happened to my arms. I still try to hide my scars by positioning my arms in a certain way so you can`t see the scars. I`m still struggling after all these years.

I just started therapy again after much encouragement by my psychiatrist. So I reluctantly agreed to it. It`s been going okay so far I guess. She`s talked to me about accomplishing small daily goals and eventually tackling bigger goals. I just try to take things day by day for now.


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