YOR vs The Bends vs The Stone Roses vs Aeroplane Over The Sea

[bailiffwithbadbreath]

You know, I can tell from reading these things that you are a genuinely good, kind hearted man. No offence, but your father sounds appalling. What an absolute brute of a man. I'd have done the same in your situation. As it is, my mother threw me in the canal when I was a few days old. It's only because a kind man called Dave used it as his regular fishing spot that I'm here today. No idea who my father was and to be honest I doubt my mother did either.

'Dave' sounds nice, though I tend to avoid men called Dave who hang around canals. God, what a nghtmare you've lived through. It puts my televisual restrictions firmly into context. Of all the things that could have happened, I'm certainly glad I didn't end up being under the care of a man called Dave.

 

[underthefloorboards]

'Dave' sounds nice, though I tend to avoid men called Dave who hang around canals. God, what a nghtmare you've lived through. It puts my televisual restrictions firmly into context. Of all the things that could have happened, I'm certainly glad I didn't end up being under the care of a man called Dave.

Ha. I know. Doesn't it say all that needs to be said about a person when they feel the need to shorten their name? (I apologise in advance if you're name is Jimmy, Bob, Danny, etc). Still, apart from the unhealthy interest in lurking by canals under the pretence of 'fishing', he was kind to me. Once, during a particularly hot summer, he even let me out of the shed for a bit.

 

[bailiffwithbadbreath]

Ha. I know. Doesn't it say all that needs to be said about a person when they feel the need to shorten their name? (I apologise in advance if you're name is Jimmy, Bob, Danny, etc). Still, apart from the unhealthy interest in lurking by canals under the pretence of 'fishing', he was kind to me. Once, during a particularly hot summer, he even let me out of the shed for a bit.

I know that might seem like kindness from where you're sitting but the rest of us would be asking, "What on God's clean Earth did I do to be kept in a shed?"

I really do think you need therapy, you know. Btw, shall I bring some of my doritos and chilli sauce down to your computer? Or are you happy with your meringues?

 

[underthefloorboards]

I know that might seem like kindness from where you're sitting but the rest of us would be asking, "What on God's clean Earth did I do to be kept in a shed?"

I really do think you need therapy, you know. Btw, shall I bring some of my doritos and chilli sauce down to your computer? Or are you happy with your meringues?

Look, it was either that shed or a watery grave. I'm gonna be grateful for what little Dave gave to me, OK? It certainly hasn't made me grow up into a damaged adult, as I'm sure you're aware. Right?

If you wouldn't mind, yes please. I'd love a healthy snack!
If you're planning on gnawing on a chicken carcass again I'd be grateful if you did it elsewhere.

 

[bailiffwithbadbreath]

Look, it was either that shed or a watery grave. I'm gonna be grateful for what little Dave gave to me, OK? It certainly hasn't made me grow up into a damaged adult, as I'm sure you're aware. Right?

If you wouldn't mind, yes please. I'd love a healthy snack!
If you're planning on gnawing on a chicken carcass again I'd be grateful if you did it elsewhere.

This is why I don't like educated people. You're such snobs. You and your foreign habits. There's nothing wrong with a nice piece of extremely dead chicken.

 

[underthefloorboards]

This is why I don't like educated people. You're such snobs. You and your foreign habits. There's nothing wrong with a nice piece of extremely dead chicken.

What on Earf would Saint Morrissey say about you putting 'death into your body'?

 

[bailiffwithbadbreath]

What on Earf would Saint Morrissey say about you putting 'death into your body'?

Look, do want these Doritos or not?

 

[underthefloorboards]

Look, do want these Doritos or not?

Yes damnit. Hurry up will you? All the frink is making me hungry.

 

[bailiffwithbadbreath]

Yes damnit. Hurry up will you? All the frink is making me hungry.

I love the fact I - sorry, we - have over 1000 views and hundreds of replies and US's thread sank without trace.

Who'd have thought wit, elegance and a musical debate would prove more popular than a picture of a smelly, old casette tape eh?

 

[underthefloorboards]

I love the fact I - sorry, we - have over 1000 views and hundreds of replies and US's thread sank without trace.

Who'd have thought wit, elegance and a musical debate would prove more popular than a picture of a smelly, old casette tape eh?

Come on now, nobody likes a big'ead, do they? I prefer eggheads if I'm honest. Stop bragging and get me some food.

 

[bailiffwithbadbreath]

Come on now, nobody likes a big'ead, do they? I prefer eggheads if I'm honest. Stop bragging and get me some food.

I'll withdraw that quote of mine, if you're not careful. Then where will you be? What if I withdraw the 'mesmerisingly' and you are forced to become merely a condescendingly, patronisingly, fascinatingly turdish person? Where will you be then? Nowhere, I tell you, nowhere!

Mmm, this lobster and prawn dish is simply divine. You must join me, dear. It's only shellfish. It's not real animal.

Have we got any of that lovely Chablis left?

 

[underthefloorboards]

I'll withdraw that quote of mine, if you're not careful. Then where will you be? What if I withdraw the 'mesmerisingly' and you are forced to become merely a condescendingly, patronisingly, fascinatingly turdish person? Where will you be then? Nowhere, I tell you, nowhere!

Mmm, this lobster and prawn dish is simply divine. You must join me, dear. It's only shellfish. It's not real animal.

Have we got any of that lovely Chablis left?

Well at least I'll still be fascinating. I can live with that. I think you should make 'Distinctly Average' your signature. Brief, and to the point.

Seafood is sealife my dear. I have some Chablis but are you allowed to drink with your cocktail of drugs?

 

[bailiffwithbadbreath]

Well at least I'll still be fascinating. I can live with that. I think you should make 'Distinctly Average' your signature. Brief, and to the point.

Seafood is sealife my dear. I have some Chablis but are you allowed to drink with your cocktail of drugs?

Oh I wouldn't worry your pretty, little head. I lost my antipsychotics 2 weeks ago during that week when I had a few problems with a goose.

I don't suppose you'd be keen to share? No, I don't suppose you would. Why break the habit of a lifetime? I suppose you're jealously guarding your foil-wrapped haloperidol and fluvoxamine?

 

[lainey]

you two need to get a room.

 

[underthefloorboards]

Oh I wouldn't worry your pretty, little head. I lost my antipsychotics 2 weeks ago during that week when I had a few problems with a goose.

I don't suppose you'd be keen to share? No, I don't suppose you would. Why break the habit of a lifetime? I suppose you're jealously guarding your foil-wrapped haloperidol and fluvoxamine?

Oh I see. That explains the goose episode then.

Look, I need all the antipsychotics/antidepressants I can get, but I already said I would share in return for the promise of a brief mention in your memoirs. You refused. You lose.

 

[bailiffwithbadbreath]

you two need to get a room.

We're in the bedroom together right now. We have only communicated via computer since 2007, since she had a tracheostomy, followin an RTA involving two bendy buses. I can still talk, mind, it just doesn't sound very nice.

My voice never was one of my finest qualities, was it love? I sound like Donald Duck fighting for air with a thorn under my toenail.

Still, 'when it comes to talent, 'I keep mine hidden.' As many of the women on this housing project in Dewsbury will attest to. Or would attest to. Only two of our neighbours are not in jail at the moment. It's all down to the bloody Jeremy Kyle show. A lot of people don't realise he works for the Vice Squad. He's as bent as a melted spoon around Uri Geller, that one. He lulls you into this false sense of security, documents your life story - and criminal history - then subjects you to the polygraph, before sending copies in triplicate to the serious fraud office, the met vice squad and 'Trisha' Goddard. Honestly, you don't want to cross Trisha. I've seen her crush a man's oesophagus without breaking sweat. She has hands like spades and teeth like small daggers. Suffice to say, we wouldn't be seen on a program like that, would we love?

 

[underthefloorboards]

We're in the bedroom together right now. We have only communicated via computer since 2007, since she had a tracheostomy, followin an RTA involving two bendy buses. I can still talk, mind, it just doesn't sound very nice.

My voice never was one of my finest qualities, was it love? I sound like Donald Duck fighting for air with a thorn under my toenail.

Still, 'when it comes to talent, 'I keep mine hidden.' As many of the women on this housing project in Dewsbury will attest to. Or would attest to. Only two of our neighbours are not in jail at the moment. It's all down to the bloody Jeremy Kyle show. A lot of people don't realise he works for the Vice Squad. He's as bent as a melted spoon around Uri Geller, that one. He lulls you into this false sense of security, documents your life story - and criminal history - then subjects you to the polygraph, before sending copies in triplicate to the serious fraud office, the met vice squad and 'Trisha' Goddard. Honestly, you don't want to cross Trisha. I've seen her crush a man's oesophagus without breaking sweat. She has hands like spades and teeth like small daggers. Suffice to say, we wouldn't be seen on a program like that, would we love?

No love. And I still rue the day my throat had an unfortunate encounter with the back end of a bendy bus. I only popped out for me fags and a bottle of 'Blue Nun'.

All I've got now is this tedious frinker for company.

 

[bailiffwithbadbreath]

All I've got now is this tedious frinker for company.

Not talking about me, are you love?

 

[underthefloorboards]

Not talking about me, are you love?

Frink off.

 

[bailiffwithbadbreath]

Frink off.

Have you purchased 'Aeroplane' yet?