"I sued my backing band. I lost. I'm bankrupt!"
"My 'lawnmower parts' rhythm section sued me and won! It was a conspiracy to make me look like a total eejit but I didn't take it lying down with my thumb up my arse'n'all, I took it to the House Of Lords. I lost. I'm not bankrupt but I have 'lifestyle issues' so I'm always counting the dollars"
"Oh, you should do a Kerrygold advert, like me! I saw your Zagreb backstage rider where you insisted on that brand being flown from Ireland for you. Very, very Diva move, Dorrissey! Mariah would be impressed!"
"Are you suggesting I'm a humasexual? How very dare you!"
"Anyway, gotta fly, I got a book to promote. You should do an autobiography."
"I did. Clearly you didn't read it. It sold really well but it was mostly people reading it as a supplement to Viz. That really pissed me off."
"Will you re-form The Smiths then?"
"No. I can't, because that Rick Astley bastard has stolen my heritage and if I ever tried to do that kind of thing, people would just mock me even more remorselessy. Life is so unfair!"
"We should form an alliance and sue disrespectful fans. If it's good enough for Tory Lords, then we too should be protected by English Libel Law every time some chancer takes the piss online".
"I don't know. I'm not sure that would work for me because of 'the things that I've said'. I might end up in the stocks with people laughing at me again. I did an interview with Der Spiegel and they produced a Deep Fake version where I said things that I couldn't have said because if I said them then that means I'm totally delusional and off my bonce, or so my psychiatrist says. He's a private psyche. I don't do NHS. I've sacked him now. "
"OK, nice to see you. We are real heroes, aren't we? We deserve to be taken seriously even if I'm gonna dress up like a frog and sing on some telly show to make some ready cash."
"Would you like to do a duet with me?"
"Nah, mt8, you're good! I heard that Siouxzie bollocks."
"I thought you were my friend."
"No. I don't do 'friends' because I'm a Rock Legend. I thought you didn't have any friends?"
"Oh, that's just pretend. For the persona. You sure you don't want a pint?"
"No. I prefer a gin and tonic but I ain't got time. Laters!"