The Pizza Manifesto II


Back from the grave

If you are on the road and you happen see a delivery driver behind you, do your very best to get out of our way. We're working with a time limit, and your day trip isn't a concern to us unless it's impeding our ability to reach our objective in a timely manner. Meaning, if you're driving slow and I'm stuck behind you, move, because I've got places to be.

If it's raining or snowing and I'm delivering to you, please, for the love of God, tip. It's not mandatory, but I and others like me are out here getting absolutely soaked for your convenience. The least you can do is slip us a few bucks, ya know?

Most drivers do not carry loose change on them. Kiss the loose change goodbye; I mean, how much change do you really need anyway?

Yes, you have to give us your coupons. If we don't need to turn them in, we will most likely tell you to keep it and use it next time.

Yes, it is cold/hot/wet/snowy/frigid/sweaty/humid outside. Don't remind us, we're already miserable enough as it is.

Please, for the love of God...don't try to short me on your pizza. Please. If you don't give me five bucks of your price and I don't catch it, guess who has to pay that extra five bucks? ME!! And trust me, if you're caught at it, most places will throw the book at you. It sounds really stupid, but shorting a delivery person is theft, and you can go to jail for it. So instead of spending some time in jail for something stupid, just fork over the extra few bucks. It's bad enough that you're not tipping, don't steal from the delivery driver.

Another word to our Hispanic friends: Yes, I am female. No, you may not make lewd comments at me, or grab at me. Not only do I understand every f***ing word you're saying, I know how to fight, and I won't even think twice about breaking your arm while you're groping me. Yes, I mean you. You can be all male-dominated if you want when dealing with other Hispanic females; hell, some females of any descent are willing to be dominated over. But I am not.

Note: I am not slandering Hispanics, it's just that I've noticed a specific trend with the Hispanics in my area, and this is it.

I don't want to come into your house, and most drivers feel the same. If you want me to set the pizza down, fine, but I want to leave ASAP. I don't know you, I don't want to know you, and being in your house makes me uncomfortable.

When I'm taking your pizza out of the bag, you could help me. I mean, it's not a requirement, but if I'm struggling with fifty tons of pizza, it'd be nice if you'd jump in and help retrieve your own f***ing food. Because if I drop it, I'm just gonna look at you with an accusatory glare.

If you live in a gated community, either meet me out front, unlock the gate, or give me a passcode. Most drivers can't afford a cell phone.

If you want something special, like parmesan cheese, crushed red peppers, or extra marinara sauce, let the people at the store know. Drivers don't normally carry that shit on them, and the person taking your order can make a special note saying you want them.

If you plan on drinking that night, order your pizza ahead of time. I mean, most drivers like the drunk ones, they tip pretty good because they can't count, but there's also the added distaste of having to deal with someone who smells like a winery.

Oh Jesus. I didn't think I would have to put this here, but please don't mug the drivers. We don't carry that much money on us, it's company policy. It's not worth it, and it causes us a ton of hassle.

If you tip well, your address gets circulated throughout the store. In some stores there's even a spot in the computer where the driver can put how much a place tipped them to rate the customer. If you tip well, your pizza will get there fast, guarenteed.

If the driver gives you bad service, by all means, don't tip them. But by this I mean the driver--not the phone person or the cook. If your pizza is late or messed up, it's rarely the driver's fault and that's not a decent reason to tip them. If the driver is a jerk to you, tell them to f*** off. It's what I'd do.
If you don't have house numbers, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you. Put some good, reflective goddamn house numbers up. What happens if you have to call an effing ambulance? Let alone the fact that your pizza will be late.

Most drivers can't accept $50 or $100 bills for small orders. The store won't let us carry more than change for a $20. Deal with it, and get some change. I'm not a bank, you know.

Don't let your kids pay the driver. If you put an extra five in there for the driver, your perfect little angel is going to pocket it, guarenteed. I did when I was that age.

If you're a stoner, fine, dandy, whatever. I'm not going to get stoned, especially not on the clock, so smoking me out isn't a good tip. Even for drivers who do get stoned, this isn't satisfactory, because their performance and ability to drive are affected, and you could cause a f***ing accident. Grow up.

Everything I've typed up here applies to all other delivery services; Chinese food, Italian food, and Thai food drivers all feel the same way, trust me.
If I know you in real life, and I deliver to you, feel free to not tip me. This is one thing I know: friends are exempt from my tipping rule, but I will think that much more of them if they do tip me.

Always remember, when dealing with pizza delivery: someone has to do it. I don't see you out there, sweating your ass off near a 500 degree oven, driving around to remote locations you didn't even know existed, and dealing with total assholes. So cut the condescending attitudes, and maybe practice a little empathy. It's what makes us human.


I learned a lot reading this. I agree that if I can't afford to tip I don't order. From the other side, here's my favorite pizza place, PIzza Guys. If you pick up the pizza there they give you a 2-litre soda. I don't drink soda so it's no big deal that I don't get it when I get a pizza delivered. But then they tacked on $2 also. I typically tip $3-5 depending on the weather and what cash I have on hand, because I'm not a bank either. keeping some change would be a good idea.

Anyway, the point is that a $13 pizza is now $15 delivered before I give the $3-5 tip. Again, if I can't afford it, I don't get it. But you should get that $2 not them, if there is an extra delivery charge. If not, people are probably figuring that into your tip. And I'll bet you get better tips when you are not driving to Beverly Hills or whatever because those people have either forgotten or never knew the difference that an extra dollar or two can make when it's going into your gas tank or paying for a loaf of bread.

I'd say too, that what you wrote could actually be of more value and might be widely read, like the Pizza Deliveryperson's Blog or something, if you toned down the hostility a little.

I disagree about people having to get out of your way. That's what the owner of the restaurant should have taken into consideration when he set the limits of his delivery area. If you're talking about the way some people drive too slow or are too hesitant or talking on the phone not paying attention, I'm with you. But if I'm crossing the street and you're not going to let me do that when I have the right of way I will force you to either stop or hit me. I sort of think you need to work on the writing. I think you probably have enough thinkgs happen to you to keep a journal about it and I think people would read it. You make a whole bunch of good points, and I'm not trying to change your style really, maybe a little, but it would be more effective without the street language. I mean that in the best way. If I thought what you wrote wasn't worth reading I wouldn't bother to criticize it.


Not Dead Yet
I don't tip the delivery guy, i figured it's not like he knows I'm not going to do it and Spits in my pizza..

I mean if I tip him, then I got to start tipping the Mailman, The Gas Company guy, The Phone guy who fixes my DSL so I don't have to talk long distance to Pakistain, the gardner, the lists goes on and on...


Not Dead Yet
I don't eat Pizza, they are greasy and have tons of calories in them.....:p
Dann, they do have meathods for dealing with calories..some are more pleasant than others..



I don't eat Pizza, they are greasy and have tons of calories in them.....:p
I make the best pizza but I've been too lazy. But I put spinach and garlic in the dough and make it like thick whole wheat bread. My apartment has a really small kitchen and I son't cook as much as I did when I lived in a house. I'm having Paul Newman spaghetti again, pesto style this time with wheat angel hair pasta. It's pretty good.


Not Dead Yet
I make the best pizza but I've been too lazy. But I put spinach and garlic in the dough and make it like thick whole wheat bread. My apartment has a really small kitchen and I son't cook as much as I did when I lived in a house. I'm having Paul Newman spaghetti again, pesto style this time with wheat angel hair pasta. It's pretty good.
I'm craving garlic bread...but I'll settle for garlic...


Not Dead Yet
Consequences of bulimia nervosa

Bulimia can result in following health problems:

* Malnutrition
* Dehydration
* Electrolyte imbalance (Can lead to cardiac arrest, which can also result in brain damage by stroke.)
* Hyponatremia
* Damaging of the voice
* Vitamin and mineral deficiencies
* Teeth erosion and cavities, gum disease
* Sialadenosis (salivary gland swelling)
* Potential for gastric rupture during periods of binging
* Esophageal reflux
* Irritation, inflammation, and possible rupture of the esophagus
* Laxative dependence
* Peptic ulcers and pancreatitis
* Emetic toxicity due to ipecac abuse
* Swelling of the face and cheeks, especially apparent in the lower eyelids due to the high pressure of blood in the face during vomiting.
* Callused or bruised fingers
* Dry or brittle skin, hair, and nails, or hair loss
* Lanugo
* Edema
* Muscle atrophy
* Decreased/increased bowel activity
* Digestive problems that may be triggered, including Celiac, Crohn's Disease
* Low blood pressure, hypotension
* Orthostatic hypotension
* High blood pressure, hypertension
* Iron deficiency
* Anemia
* Hormonal imbalances
* Hyperactivity
* Depression
* Insomnia
* Amenorrhea
* Infertility
* High risk pregnancy, miscarriage, still-born babies
* Diabetes
* Elevated blood sugar or hyperglycemia
* Ketoacidosis
* Osteoporosis
* Arthritis
* Weakness and fatigue
* Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
* Cancer of the throat or voice box
* Liver failure
* Kidney infection and failure
* Heart failure, heart arrhythmia, angina
* Seizure
* Paralysis
* Potential death caused by heart attack or heart failure; lung collapse; internal bleeding, stroke, kidney failure, liver failure; pancreatitis, gastric rupture, perforated ulcer, depression and suicide.


Not Dead Yet
Where did you come from, oh Blessed Virgin?


Not Dead Yet

The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy, in which a dominatrix for women discusses the intriguing details of her career and her love of giving women pleasure. In several performances it often comes at the end of the play, literally climaxing with a vocal demonstration of a "triple orgasm."

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