The Drivel Thread

[Light Housework]

I'm so glad that I got away from the f***er with the foul tasting mouth, who used to force his 'affections' on me when I was 18. I'm remembering how he used to take me to get souvlaki, when I was a meat eater. That's lamb I believe. He would drive me to go get it. And baklava. He used my desire to eat lamb and baklava, to get to be near me, when I had made it clear to him that I hated him, and wanted nothing to do with him. He would wait at the metro station in Montreal, in his warm car in icy winter, beckoning to me to let him drive me to school. I had told him that I never wanted to see his ugly face again, and he cried, but he persisted in glomming on to me every chance he could get. This, after he had ignored me, cheated on me, lied about it, for months. I leave him, and suddenly I'm his whole world. He buys me a diamond ring and asks me to marry him, but only because now I didn't want to be with him anymore. When I was devoted to him, he treated me like a dish rag.

I'm so glad, I don't have to see his fake burgundy satin sheets, or feel and smell his warm waterbed, or feel his dick in me when it's not wanted, his mouth, his lying mouth. I remember telling him to go brush his teeth, and he did, but I still hated him kissing me. I was homeless, and he plastered himself on me because he knew I had nowhere else to go. I'm so glad those days are over, and I live alone. Recently I invited a homeless man over for a visit, but he wanted me to go meet him instead, downtown. I took him to see the movie 'Nope'. It was a terrible movie, and he laughed, when the motorcyclist took a bad fall. He shook with laughter, which made me very glad he didn't accept my invitation to visit my home. Now my guard is up. I won't be inviting any homeless people home. I value the trust between myself and people in my life. I nearly put that trust in jeopardy, when I again invited a homeless person to visit my home.

 

[Light Housework]

It feels so good to be contentedly bored, writing about times I scraped through, finally able to look back from the comfort of solitude, decades later. At the time it was terrible. I can look back as I would watch a horror movie. It's just a movie. It's just the past, the long ago past. I'm so glad it's in the past now, long ago, so long ago that I can finally look at it, from a distance, from comfortable independence from him. I don't need his warm car, or to eat lamb and baklava, or his roof over my head. The last time I saw him, he pushed me down onto my stomach in the Mont Royal cemetery and raped me. It didn't hurt physically. It felt like nothing but a little violation. I wouldn't cry if I learned he died.

 

[Light Housework]

I'm enjoying my still new laptop, how the keyboard is backlit, and how it feels to tap the keys. The fridge is purring. The traffic is a quiet hiss. It's dark in my apartment now, as night falls outside. I'm typing in the dark, with my laptop literally on my lap. It's solid state, so it has no fan in it. It's only warm because my thighs warm it. It never heats up. The screen has flecks of grime on it though, because the keys touch it when it's closed, and I don't know what I should use to clean it. Maybe vinegar and water, on a cloth. It's just about dark out now, at 9:35 PM. I'm bored, and it's a privilege, to be so. I'm not bored to death. I'm just feeling good.

 

[Light Housework]

Will I Ever Live it Down

The Frenchman told me where to go
But stupidly
I stopped trucks
Just because I could
And to show that I couldn't wait
To see you
To be with you
Stupid, stupid
Just stupid

 

[Light Housework]

Even Stupid People Can Only Take So Much

Frustrated
Is what I am
I know I acted stupidly
But it still feels cruel
That you won't be with me
I'm beginning to snub you back
Because it's torture to be snubbed
While I'm pining to be with you
So don't be surprised if you finally show up
Plain and simple
And I just keep walking
Again

 

[Light Housework]

Resentment is Just Not For Me

First comes Frustration
Then comes Desperation
Which leads to Madness
Just like Dominoes
I want off this ride
It isn't fair
Nor is it fun
In the long run

It's a game based on hope
Like bait on a hook
When I want to be with you
If I see a sign that it's mutual
I bite the worm
But it's not real
Only the cold steel hook is
The fisherman laughs

He pulls the steel out of my mouth
It's all in good fun to him
It's open season
On bitches
Show them you care
Give them courage
Cheer them on
Until they disappoint you yet again

It's a game you offer
It costs me my sanity
I've chosen to expect to be with you
Time and time again
Only to wind up in a loony bin
I'm not laughing
Nor am I looking at your image
No more pining for your presence

Pining is being replaced
With revulsion at an image
I now associate with pathological frustration
Never satisfaction
Just your disappointment
My embarrassment
Your smug superiority
My repeatedly deserved wretchedness

Proof once again
That I do not deserve you
Bitches howl for curs to come to them
Not men
Frustration stewed this woman's brain
As usual
It started building in my childhood
This moron doesn't know any better

Do you enjoy looking down your nose at me
I feel time passing
While you flirt
Like a damsel in distress
You're a siren
But the road to you
Is fraught with madness
And terrible anti psychotic drugs

I must cease obsessing about you
It's brought me so much trouble and pain
I feel like I've been trying to win your love
To earn it
And I always fail
So I'm turning away
Gazing away from you
Sick to death of disappointing you over and over

 

[Light Housework]

Not So Charming

Distance
Is desirable
Gaslit
I flee
Walls of sobriety
Keep the charming Trojan horse at bay

 

[Light Housework]

I've been reading a lot of memoirs lately, about people who went through terrible abuse as children. There's an insect hanging around the light fixture on the ceiling. There are already 3 dead insects in the fixture. The fridge purrs. The purring is usually the main sound I hear at all hours, from my recliner. It's 12:18 AM, August 10th, 2022, a Wednesday. I'm seeing a mental health worker in the morning. We're going to draw and paint. Then, I'm heading downtown to pick up some pen refills, for my ballpoint pens. I've been enjoying drama free peace lately.

 

[Light Housework]

Drama Free Peace

It's a special time
Getting a foothold
Without foot pain
A little walk
To a coffee shop
Light conversation
About memory loss
Due to aging
Or 'medication'
Talk of internet devices
Pet birds that talk
And shoes of course
We saw several dogs walk by
One was 14 years old
A large breed
On its last legs
I petted it above its eyes
Then I wiped the dog smell
On my shirt
And resumed enjoying great coffee
Not too hot
Though fresh from the pot
Black
No sugar
In my travel mug
There were five of us
All getting along
Will wonders never cease

 

[TheSmiths_1985]

 

[Light Housework]

Baby Clothes



I wanted to go down

But I thought you would be there

As I flung myself at the light

Like a moth

I expected you to be the net

That would catch my fall

I was such a moron

To expect you to know

That I was a moron

More than you could ever know



The baby clothes

Were a pleasure to touch

But it was you

I was gunning for

To be with you

And I was impatient

To show you how desperate I was

I stupidly believed

That a desperate gesture

Would bring you

To my beck and call

I was so wrong

You only found fault

And right you are



I’ve learned my lesson

I see you as a source of frustration

You will have to walk right up to me

And speak to me

If I am to ever believe

You will be there for me

I’ll believe it when I see, hear, and feel your presence

No more blind faith

Psychotic breaks

 

[Light Housework]

The Hireling

She sees an ad for acting
The script turns out to be compatible
There is no monetary compensation
No ulterior reward
She accepts the position
The actions are in alignment
With her own wishes
Just caring about herself
And others a little
Starting with brushing her teeth

 

[Light Housework]

No One Knows

No one showed up
Except Kevin and I
We wasted our time
Now what
That we both feel insulted
Because there was no forewarning
The event was cancelled
No one came but us two
We'd just met
So there wasn't much we could do
Just us two
Now I digest
The things that insulted me today
A bag of apples shot up three dollars
In one week
Event cancelled without warning or apology
People hounding me
Who are no good for me
But life is still kind to me today
I smart of loneliness
If that's what I've got to complain about
It's because I've got it good

 

[Light Housework]

False Alarm

He said his socks don't shed
Mine do
Same style
Different color
He got a deal on his new shoes
But I think they're leather
Tomorrow there's a walking group
Afterward my friend
Will paint with me

I rejected two people recently
And I hope they won't lash out at me for it
I dislike them
Is that a crime
One of them did this
The other one did that
And it turned me off
I said that I didn't feel like talking
I said that I didn't like him anymore

I want to fight my addiction
Of waiting to make my daydreams come true
Tomorrow I don't want to hear
Tomorrow
I want to hear now
I want to be like a ship's captain
In the storm that is a worthwhile lifestyle
Batten down the hatches
Because a storm is coming

This house is getting clean
The memories
Will lead to night time dreams
Of painting
While my neighbour's TV blasts sitcom laughter
I lent her my card
She thought she could hold onto it overnight
I put up a fight
Why does she lose her card all the time

On to the next phase
No more lost in a daze
Accused and convicted
Of being a laze
What rewards I want
Don't come from hitching a ride
And I don't want that drug called side
I look forward
To being hypnotized

 

[Light Housework]

Aunt Margaret

 

[Light Housework]

I went to No Frills, Shoppers, and London Drugs, for chips and Tazo teas. At the entrance to LD, there was a tall skinny blemished guy who was high as a kite. As I walked home, addled by plantar fasciitis somewhat, I felt kind of envious of the guy’s gall, to be so bold as to be as he was there, sitting on the concrete at the entrance to the store, his arms flailing in his inebriated state.

 

[Light Housework]

That high guy at London Drugs. I wonder, what he’s doing now. If he’s still there at the entrance, or if someone gave him money and he’s gone to get another hit of whatever he was high on, or if he’s been shooed away, or if he’s just sitting there still waving his arms around like life is a rave to him.

I feel older than middle aged this evening. I feel prematurely old. That guy was probably in his 20's. I wonder what he'll be doing ten years from today. My body's a jalopy. In ten years, I wonder if I'll even be ambulatory.

 

[Light Housework]

Designs

I'm thrilled at the weaving of cloth
My clothes, blankets, shoe uppers, and umbrellas
Watercolor paints, pen inks, pens, papers
My apartment, the floor tiles and high ceiling
My bed and recliner
Shoes, for hiking and walking
My bones, ligaments, muscles
Electric lights, stove, fridge, blow dryer
Mental health workers
Charitable people who love courageously
Memoirs
Vegan food, such as cashews, oranges, apples
Teeth, toothbrushes and toothpastes
Running water and drains, bathtubs and sinks
Friendship that holds steady underneath the turbulence of life
Love that makes me spread my wings and fly
Without which, I am a tin man
Hiding from the rain

 

[Light Housework]

I was loaded down with an extremely heavy knapsack, running for the bus, my umbrella hanging off the strap (to protect me from the sun), and my kangaroo pouch around my waist. A man walking in the opposite direction looked me in the eye as I ran past him, and I felt very flattered, by the way he looked at me. He's hotter than Clint Eastwood used to be. The memory of how he looked at me is the cherry on top of a good day, though I didn't get the biodegradable laundry soap I wanted. The store shelves were nearly empty, and there was only Tide detergent left, so I panicked, thinking I'd better snap it up. When I got to the cashier, she explained that the shelves were only empty because of an overhaul to their system. So now I have a big jug of Tide to feel guilty about. Once panic sets in, it's not easy to backtrack. It's like a train that can't brake suddenly, so I made the purchase.

But the way that man looked at me, makes me happy.

 

[Light Housework]

I feel like writing, so I'm writing. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. He laughed at something I said. A good natured laugh. He's compassionate. I'm lucky he's my shrink. I'm feeling like a young woman today. I was filled with hate and felt old. Today I'm full of love and feel young.