The Adventures of Willie Wee Wee (no moz content, sadly)


Stan Cooke






Willie awoke from his slumber with quite a start on Monday. The sunlight was bursting through Willies curtains with the ferocity of a startled grizzly bear in the headlights. Squinting to relive the pressure on his tired eyes, Willie slowly began to regain consciousness.

This was always the worst part of the day for Willie Wee-Wee. Waking up. He had roughly 10 seconds to enjoy the day and the joy of being alive until he realised it had happened again. He had wet the bed.

Wetting the bed was an every day occurrence for Willie Wee-Wee. It started when he was 15 years old and decided one day to iron his scrotum to remove ‘unsightly creases’. The poor mite ironed straight through his genitals and burned a permanent hole in his urinary tract. Doctors across the land had attempted to operate but the situation was beyond control or repair.

Willie wasn’t even downstairs until he felt once more the pressure rising inside him. It was becoming clear the earlier flooding had been a ‘night piss’ and that extra bottle of pop before bedtime had meant a second wave of attack! In effect, all the night piss had done for Willie had been to ‘break the seal’ a euphemism commonly adopted by drinkers after their first trip to the toilet on a night out.

Halfway down the stairs and Willie was in torture. He winced and groaned but with his tattered bladder could hold the flow no longer. Gush! The torrent raged from Willies decimated organs with unstoppable force. Spraying from his nads in all conceivable angles, there was no rhyme or reason to the flow. His genitalia had more holes than John Leslie could muster in one sordid evening and his piss had a unique way of finding each and every one of them on the way out. What a mess.

“Me and my butchered nads, oh what a fool I’ve been”

Willie slumped to the carpet on the stairs and slowly began to weep. A life in tatters there was no hope for him in this state and nothing anyone could do to reverse his cruel error of judgment. He had tried blu-tack and cellotape but nothing seemed to hold for more than 5 seconds of high pressure flow. Even the time he had tried quick setting concrete he succeeded only in causing double the build up within him and excruciating pains like never before. In the end, it took a hospital trip and a forced removal of 3 pints of urine through a hole in the naval before he could be relieved.

“All I ever wanted was a smooth as silk scrotum, and look at me now”

For the remainder of the day, Willie tried to avoid drinking fluids in case of a repeat. It was on a risky mission to the newsagent for some extra absorbent toilet tissue that Willie spotted the magazine on the second shelf. Glancing upwards at randomly timed intervals to avoid the appearance of being interested in the ‘gentlemans comics’ on the shelf above he had spotted a magazine entitled ‘Men’s Bodies’ and the enticing heading ‘Buy the perfect body today’. Coyly lifting the magazine from the shelf and hiding it underneath a TV Guide, skilfully chosen to conceal the mens magazine until he arrived at the cash desk. It was by no means certain at this stage whether or not the magazine was a genuine health mag, or sordid gay porn. Willie had little enough of a reputation in Humperton to uphold without being labelled a pervert to boot. He may have ironed his scrotum some years ago, but he was smart.

Rushing home with the magazine he excitedly flicked to the contents and found his treasure. ‘Page 32 – Mail order body parts, cloning in the 21st century’

All the necessary parts were there, before his very eyes. All he needed was £50,000 and he could afford to purchase a completely new fully operational set of genitals. It didn’t take long before he realised that he could never afford that kind of money, and then a thought came over him. He would romance Charlotte Church and siphon her money to pay for the op. He had heard from the local ned fraternity that Church was an easy lay and so she should be no trouble. ‘Ha’ cackled Willie, ‘a foolproof plan’ then he realised he couldn’t romance Charlotte Church. He had no nads.

Willie then had another brainwave. If he couldn’t afford to purchase cloned nads, he would steal some nads from elsewhere. Chopping off another humans nads would be risky though, he was sure to be caught.

“I know! Humans evolved from monkeys. I shall find a monkey, slice off the parts I need and attach them to my perforated parts, creating a Neanderthal like genitalia. No one will ever know! The retro look is in; I’ll just say it’s a retro knob! I’ll be the coolest kid in the neighbourhood. I’ll romance Charlotte Church with my retro knob, siphon her millions and pay for proper human parts! Eureka!”

In the following weeks, Willie began to implement his plan. Stalking the local pet store he noticed a prime chimpanzee in the window, and with a majestic knob. Carefully monitoring the movements of the shop staff and carefully logging the time periods between each explosive release of urine he planned the heist to perfection. Nipping into the shop and grabbing the chimp precisely as Mr Jeffers stepped out back for his cigarette break, Willie caged the beast and ran for home.

The chimp was a lively brute, thrashing around like a good un’ but Willie took command of the situation and administered a crucial blow to the head, felling the brute in one cruel blow. Sharpening his carving knife he began to slice the genitals from the poor creature, scrotum and all. Laughing with glee, he raised his prize above his head and repeated his mantra ‘Eureka’

The next part of his plan was ingenious. Willie had bought a packet of 200 straws of differing sizes and had one sticking out of each of his perforations, each sealed into the hole with the concrete mix he had used previously. The tip of every straw was brought together into a thicker single straw which connected to the monkey genitalia, now dangling only 30 centimetres from his own body and looking every inch the class act he had intended it to be.

Willie still could not control his urges but thanks to his genius they now flowed towards a common path – a severed chimpanzee knob. He was happy with his new look and the first part of his plan was complete. Now for Charlotte Church!

Willie may have ironed his nads when he was 15, but he was smart!!

An enjoyable story

A little spoilt for me, unfortunately, by the rather elementary error of referring to the chimpanzee as a "monkey".
Re: An enjoyable story

> A little spoilt for me, unfortunately, by the rather elementary error of
> referring to the chimpanzee as a "monkey".

yes, that annoyed me too.

as we all know, the noble chimp is an ape like the rest of us.

I pray for plenty of the old ''in-out,in-out'' in part 3.
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