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I know he had a gentleness because after he died, I got to read his boy scout leader notes. How lovingly he wrote about his boys. And, I got to hear a cassette tape of him reciting Christmas carols. Then they disappeared, and he was never discussed.
 
It seems strange not having known grandma and grandad since the 80s. It was a lifetime ago. I lost grandma Daisy 3 years back. I miss her terribly. I miss them all. Grandparents are always magic. Aren't they?
I suspect she also murdered our grandmother. Loosened the bolts on the chair. Then loosened the overhead light bulb, so Nan would climb upon the chair to change the bulb. Broke her hip. Sister visited her in hospital. Then she died. Nan had been getting me to sing.
 
Eventually even mum died mysteriously. She reached out to me by buying me a Walkman. She swelled up from the breasts down, I was told on the phone on the other side of the continent. I spoke to her on the phone. Asked her if she was scared. She said yes. Soon, sis called and said she died. Funny, her wailing sounded like my own.
 
But next thing I know, she's saying I have life insurance money coming to me, and she needs it all, to pay mum's taxes and funeral. I did some research, found out we are not responsible for the taxes. I asked her if she'd been trying to scam me, and she said, if all you want to talk about is money, you can say goodbye. So I said goodbye, because what she really meant, was, "If you're going to use your mind, and not be my bimbo, you can die for all I care. I don't want to be questioned."
 
She had mum wrapped around her finger all those years, and then the silly woman went and sent me a Walkman.
 
I was placed in a group home at 11, graduating to a foster home at 12 for being good, ran away from the foster father who couldn't stand the fact I would not swoon over his boastings.
 
Not possessive of anyone. Never ridden with jealousy. But what's with Morrissey's Action is My Middle Name? It's all about possessing someone.
 
I'd be a high maintenance possession. Lots of expensive paints from Seattle. A quality fountain pen with ink made in France. Brushes from Barcelona. Paper from Germany. Stretched canvas from China.
 
You complain that you've never had anyone to turn to, then say, you have parents you adore, and grandparents too. Dale, I have been dismissed like crazy, brushed off, raped, nearly killed a number of times. Only recently people are treating me with respect. Only recently I've had good company, people to confide in a little. I'm cherishing it.
 
I've always been loving, forgiving as possible, good willed. But have mainly been perceived as a cockteasing bitch. Came close to being snuffed out permanently several times.
 
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