no, we didnt (some lady did try to set us up and i was SO offended by the way she put it--"you need a friend and he needs a friend" (and everyone should know by now how i get when people have misapprehensions about what i am or need)--that i immediately put the kibosh on that, and afterwards was like "shit. shit shit shit"). it sounds like there's more to it by the way im going on about it, but there isnt, i just suddenly feel the need to for some reason. in actuality i only knew him for like three months and only barely. it was after i had blown through my inheritance money and had to go live with my grandma (who paid my debt for me) in this small town, and after those three months she, on a whim, decided to move to another small town and i, having no money, went with her, and was subsequently very
lachrymose over leaving this boy that i loved madly at first sight and spent the next couple of months in my new town moping around listening to cure songs.
then i got over it. except for now, for some reason. about a week back, apropos of nothing, i had a dream about him and that's when i decided to look him up, and now all of a sudden im experiencing a surfeit of emotion about him ( and as proof of my frighteningly arrested development im convinced that i still love him madly and that, like a sullen teenager, my grandmother ruined my life by moving (she moved back a couple of years later so WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT, i ask?!?!?!)). although i should say that, upon examination, i dont think any of this would turn out to be about him at all. i think it's because remembering him made me remember how it felt to be me back then, and it made me realize how much ive lost, how much feeling, how much wistfulness and romance-- for lack of a better word--ive lost just by getting old. he has become my connection to me back then and i feel somehow like i want to meet him again just to validate that connection, just because i want him to be the designated prism through which i see myself again, and then i remember that he would be old himself and it would be no good, the poetry would be gone, and that makes me unbearably sad, like i dont know if i can weather this aging thing kind of sad. i mean it just f***ing gets worse and worse and worse. but that's what this is about, really: like everything else, it's about me, it's about finding new ways to be constantly horrified about growing old.
but i also am starting to wonder if my mood (lachrymose) has anything to do with the time of year. i remember it was around a couple of years ago at this time i was so upset about klaus nomi that i cried for about three weeks straight: on the bus, at work, when people asked me how i was, when i saw a leaf that struck me as being too green. i mean, of course what happened to klaus was heartbreakingly sad, but the way i feel now is sort of the same way i felt then, so it does make me wonder. i AM very susceptible to feelings in the air and nuances and changes in weather and that kind of thing.