Post Whatever You Are Thinking At This Very Moment

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Anonymous

Guest
I want to live for a long time politi. I'm getting used to this grief. I'm getting used to life. I need longer to appreciate it fully.
I'd donate my life to you in a heartbeat if I could. As scary as death is (the idea that we stop breathing) it is also comforting that one day our life ends. Some find it hard to grasp the idea that things carry on like before and that their homes and buildings and places will still be there whereas others see that as a good thing.
You remind me of Rolf who sought out grief and pain in everything. He could win millions on Lotto and only see the downside. It's beyond depression and just the way some are wired.
I think you share with many the realisation that you missed out on the things in life that made it worth living. Not many people without kids seem to find a purpose in life and even Rolf realised that.
But personally I am grateful each day now I never had kids cause the world is completely insane. But I've said it before the most grateful are the people of this world who never saw me have any kids cause the idea is scary even to me.
 
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Anonymous

Guest
I think every hurt we feel, every time we feel hard done to, is simply a recognition of our mortality, if we knew we were were going to live forever people could do and say as they pleased and we wouldn't worry. Every sleight brings you nearer to the grave. As I say, I love life, just not the one I've been landed with
You need to live in a new way and find new things to do and avoid doing what doesn't give you anything now. Take a break from your own regular life by escaping it now and then may open doors to a new way of living.
Even moving to a new place and leave your old you behind may change things around.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
I'd never give up Urbanus. I'm on my own at the moment, I reckon it's going to take some big kicks up the backside from someone who's actually interested, to turn me around. I don't know where other people get the energy from!
Me neither to be honest and those people probably struggle a lot inside which fills a need to be on the move all the time. I don't envy people who have to be on the move and do things constantly cause it can't be easy to live like that. Maybe they live to fulfill other peoples expectations rather than their own?

But I am pushing myself to do more now and plan ahead and this summer presented a new chapter in my life where I was able to be a bit spontaneous which I believe is important cause getting too set in your ways is never good in the long run but might be fine for some time or for periods in your life.

Could you be more like Rolf?

LOL
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
People say 'what is hell?' I would posit that hell is having existed and then not having to exist. Why do you think babies cry as soon as they've arrived? They realise the futility of it all.
My bro on mothers side studied the bible for years and found life on earth is hell and of course it is when you think about it. There is no separate hell and the devil is us all now and then. We all have good and evil in us.

The child getting born is fascinating and a horror moment that some have been able to return to in therapy. I wonder where I came from and long to return without knowing what it was or where it was.

Life is futile and I can spend a lot of time thinking about the useless things humans get up to in order to fill some kind of void inside them. Whatever we get up to the end result is death.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
I've got people coming round on Tuesday to do a safety check on my electrics. I had a threatening letter saying that I'd already missed two previous appointments and I'm contravening the terms of my tenancy agreement and could be evicted. I think I'm one of those members of society who people refer to as living a 'chaotic' lifestyle. My flat shows all the markings of a serial killer. Most rooms are neat and tidy, but the spare room is a bomb site. I'm gonna have to grin and bear it when they come round. I've realised I'll probably die in this place. There's too much of me here and I haven't the energy to leave. I feel guilty because I'm gay and people expect me to be house proud, but I'm not. I'm as chatty as fuck. I'm letting the gays down. I like it though. I'm comfortable and secure and out of the way, 16 storeys above the world. My noisy neighbours are gone now. I have a big plumbing job on the 15 October which will last all day. My pipes have rusted because they're blocked. They're going to have to knock half of the internal wall down to get to them. Where will I put myself while they're doing it?
I sold P's washing machine to a student with kids recently and asked him if he would make sure a electrician would plug it in but he was like "no I can do it myself no problem" which isn't really allowed. His mate was a big guy with the number 13 tattooed under one eye and gave off this criminal vibe but he was friendly and chatty and for some reason I get on well with criminals cause I always know how to massage their ego.

"Oh you're a big boy aren't you, great cause it's a bit heavy". You remind me that P and me are finally seeing the end of the tunnel and have got rid of so much shit in the last few weeks. Still have some to offload and I will use a big truck next week to donate some things and throw away the rest.

I've inherited about 5 people through the years and things come with memories and the feeling you should respect dead peoples things but I no longer feel like that so everything must go. Me and Pilla feel all cleansed inside and out every time we get rid of things and it is the best feeling.

We wanna start over with just a few things left and then build a new home where we only have things we want and that fit. Not a single thing will be a dust collector cause knick knacks and some type of furniture just sits there and collect dust and more often than not it is messy to clean it as well.

Her flat will be completely renovated and even the front door replaced with a security one so we don't have to clean it out before we leave just empty it so thank fook for not having to make a move cleaning cause I've actually hired people for that in past as you have to do it by the book.

Just leave the keys we will and feel like a load off our shoulders and we will celebrate by going to a fancy restaurant and toast for a new future.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
I'm seeing myself as my own child recently, and leave notes to my parent self, which are an honor to follow through with. Notes like this one:
View attachment 52482
Great way to get things done but it also reminds me of my shrink who told me to do that after my first suicide attempt. She was a wonderful young woman carrying twins but lost them at birth which made me feel guilty cause imagine them listening to me and how it would make anyone opt to not be born and survive it.

I bet they fought over the chords inside the belly trying to off themselves.

"No it's that young bloke again going on about how life is meaningless kill us now". Even my cousin lost her twins.

The Shining!
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
I sold P's washing machine to a student with kids recently and asked him if he would make sure a electrician would plug it in but he was like "no I can do it myself no problem" which isn't really allowed. His mate was a big guy with the number 13 tattooed under one eye and gave off this criminal vibe but he was friendly and chatty and for some reason I get on well with criminals cause I always know how to massage their ego.

"Oh you're a big boy aren't you, great cause it's a bit heavy". You remind me that P and me are finally seeing the end of the tunnel and have got rid of so much shit in the last few weeks. Still have some to offload and I will use a big truck next week to donate some things and throw away the rest.

I've inherited about 5 people through the years and things come with memories and the feeling you should respect dead peoples things but I no longer feel like that so everything must go. Me and Pilla feel all cleansed inside and out every time we get rid of things and it is the best feeling.

We wanna start over with just a few things left and then build a new home where we only have things we want and that fit. Not a single thing will be a dust collector cause knick knacks and some type of furniture just sits there and collect dust and more often than not it is messy to clean it as well.

Her flat will be completely renovated and even the front door replaced with a security one so we don't have to clean it out before we leave just empty it so thank fook for not having to make a move cleaning cause I've actually hired people for that in past as you have to do it by the book.

Just leave the keys we will and feel like a load off our shoulders and we will celebrate by going to a fancy restaurant and toast for a new future.
I forgot to add that I helped this older couple to have their grandson move into Pilla's flat when it's been completely made over. Renovation will take a month and a half so he has time to leave his current one where he lives in a ghetto surrounded by somalians making his life miserable.

He works at the local prison so I had an interesting chat with him about that the other day. The old couple and him had the same political view on Sweden and it was nice to hear some people who dare to speak their mind on the situation.

The old woman said if someone was running a business that bad they would be sacked but you can ruin a country and get re elected. I told them straight out this is the jews revenge for Sweden letting the nazi trains run through Sweden to Norway and the old man in particular agreed with me and had been thinking it himself for years.

A young girl who was probably the daughter of the prison guard had to listen to it all but even she seemed to agree and really had her head screwed on and was old before her age. Can only imagine how she has become like that from going to school here in a country where every school has problems from immigration.

So I hope he will get to move in before Christmas and help the old couple so we joked about him becoming this errand boy for them making sure they can live there longer and perhaps not having to move into a care home. They have lived there for 48 years.

So I told the one in charge of the area working for the landlord to help them out and make sure he can move in there and help them out. When they renovate a place like that you pay the same rent for 5 years before they increase it. But he has a safe job which I joked about saying there's no risk of there ever being less people locked up and he smiled and agreed.

I used to work for a company leaving some work at that prison for the prisoners to assemble which meant they went through the truck real good and you had to hand in your mobile. Driving through the prison area made you wonder sometimes if someone would try and hide under the truck or hijack it but I never at any point saw a single prisoner.

The only prison with viking graves surrounding it.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
Not getting as worked up as I did over TAT but I am a bit worried about Jehne now.

Why did I worry about TAT and then she returns and I treat her like shit?

Love is weird.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
I like your balcony and it reminds me how a good balcony is a must when I buy a home for the first time. I want to be able to sneak out there now and then.

I have one now but it is not really cosy or made for sitting there and gets warm in the summer. I actually found a flat where the balcony was headed north which is so rare and so smart at summer with shade making it cool.

But every builder was thinking people wanna sit in the sun all day. We used to sit on the balcony here the first years I lived here but when we stopped. But we did go out at night at times looking a the wild life passing by and talking to foxes and deers and cats and rabbits and they all stopped and listened them moved on.

A cat used to visit us on the balcony and roll on the floor and sometimes we walked it home to the house next to mine and ring the door and make the young woman let it in.

Not weird at all!
 

The Truth

about Ruth
I've got people coming round on Tuesday to do a safety check on my electrics. I had a threatening letter saying that I'd already missed two previous appointments and I'm contravening the terms of my tenancy agreement and could be evicted. I think I'm one of those members of society who people refer to as living a 'chaotic' lifestyle. My flat shows all the markings of a serial killer. Most rooms are neat and tidy, but the spare room is a bomb site. I'm gonna have to grin and bear it when they come round. I've realised I'll probably die in this place. There's too much of me here and I haven't the energy to leave. I feel guilty because I'm gay and people expect me to be house proud, but I'm not. I'm as chatty as fuck. I'm letting the gays down. I like it though. I'm comfortable and secure and out of the way, 16 storeys above the world. My noisy neighbours are gone now. I have a big plumbing job on the 15 October which will last all day. My pipes have rusted because they're blocked. They're going to have to knock half of the internal wall down to get to them. Where will I put myself while they're doing it?
I'm glad the noisy neighbors are gone.
That stuff that you think is "too much of me" is not the real you. Go through the messy room and see if there is anything of value that you can sell or donate. I had a room like that. I would just pen the door and stack things up and then close it before something caught my attention. Otherwise I'd be in there for hours seeing things I'd forgotten I owned. All those things that tie you to the past seem important but you don't miss them when they're gone.
 
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