plea to morrissey

Discussion in 'Off-topic archive (read-only)' started by rifke, Dec 2, 2017.

  1. rifke

    rifke queen of the universe

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    Morrissey when you do finally get that home of your own, let me be your maid, okay, sweetums? I cant think of a more gratifying (or sensual) experience than washing the floors you walk on and scrubbing the shower you wash yourself in and removing extraneous bits of toothpaste from your sink and de-crumbing your toaster and plumping your pillows and all those things that are entailed in the smooth running of a household. so far i can only be jealous of the people you hire to do those things because they get to do all those things for you and in so doing come into contact with things that you touch daily. I almost cant believe that such lucky people actually exist, but why not? and why not i one of them? now i need a (better) job and you presumably need someone to attend to your cleaning needs, since all of that would be utterly beneath you, hyperion that you are, so what do you say? come on, babycakes, you and me! lets make that house a home!
     
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  2. rifke

    rifke queen of the universe

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    now, I don't know how to clean but I imagine I can be taught. the good thing about this I that I wont be one of those old battle axes with their ingrained ideas of what is the right way of doing something. as far as I'm concerned, however you want something done, my sweet, is the right way to do it. now as for why you want me as your maid:
    1) I NEVER get sick (unless you've been reading the off topic in which case you will see that I was recently sick, but only with a very mild cold and it only lasted for a day and a half, and had no real outwardly apparent symptoms such as a sniffle or a cough), so you wont have some gross sickly thing hanging around your house spreading germs.
    2) I'm the LEAST annoying person you will ever meet. not being annoying is my hallmark. I don't sniffle, I don't slam doors or bang cupboards (unless I'm mad, but I will never be mad in your house sweetums <3), I don't walk with a weird foot drag or shuffle. in fact, everyone says I'm like a ghost because I'm so silent in my movements.
    3) I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu and when I like my boss I'm the best worker around. I will do anything to impress you, sweetums!

    so you see, mozzer? you need me like I need you! so how bout it, moz?!
     
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  3. No1uno

    No1uno Member of the Monthâ„¢ Subscriber

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    [​IMG]
     
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  4. Bill Poster

    Bill Poster Member

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    You fucking sad cunt. Are you taking the piss like a catheter or what? For your sake, you better hope so! You're even sadder than the rest of the wankers round here.
     
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  5. rifke

    rifke queen of the universe

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    no sir, this is a genuine application to join morrisseys household team. to be granted such a position would make me happier than a clam in chowder. or pig in clover or however the saying goes. perhaps you know of a better way to get my application to him, hmm?
     
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  6. rifke

    rifke queen of the universe

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    go away, troll, this doesn't concern you
     
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  7. William S

    William S Guest

     
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  8. rifke

    rifke queen of the universe

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    also, I was thinking more along the lines of:

     
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  9. rifke

    rifke queen of the universe

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    oh mozzer, I am ever so ready to be your most obedient servant!
     
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  10. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

     
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  11. Charlie Cheswick

    Charlie Cheswick Well-Known Member

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  12. rifke

    rifke queen of the universe

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    nice!
     
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  13. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    If morrissey passes then contact me i think you sound amazing.
     
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  14. Peterb

    Peterb Well-Known Member

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    Nowt as strange as folk and you are strange Rifke.
     
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  15. rifke

    rifke queen of the universe

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    I only want a job. all work is honourable :(
     
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  16. rifke

    rifke queen of the universe

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    and whether or not I get a secret sexual pleasure out of having Morrissey order me to do menial work isn't really any of your business, I shouldn't think!
     
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  17. Peterb

    Peterb Well-Known Member

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    Bit Rifke, you know the last thing anyone would want is a cleaner who was in love with you.
     
  18. rifke

    rifke queen of the universe

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    why not? is there some fear that such a cleaner would turn jealous or obsessive or stalkerish? anyway, I'm not really in love with him, for the record; I'm just excessively fond of him. love is for the birds and I am a bunny not a bird!
     
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  19. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    But how does Diesel fit in to all this ?
    They won't want you around when they're having a session on the exercise bike.
    Good luck cleaning that mess up as well ! Ooooghhhhh !

    BtBB :greatbritain::knife:
     
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  20. Peterb

    Peterb Well-Known Member

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    Sounds the pitch for a sitcom.
    "He was a fading pop star with mental health issues and a drink problem.
    She was a fan and obsessively fond of the old soak.
    Through a succession of unlikely events she becomes his cleaner and larks ensue"
     
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