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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Mr. Jackpots" data-source="post: 1987242388" data-attributes="member: 27696">PT.2You met someone on here some years back that became a significant part of your personal life. Without betraying confidential details, what can you tell me about that period of your life? Did it affect the way you view this website?It had its ups and downs. I wasn’t perfect but neither was she. I tried very hard to make things work but in the end I knew it was a lie and I couldn’t fully commit to it anymore. I was very unhappy and unfulfilled and exhausted for more reasons than just wanting to finally start presenting as female. It ended as everything does.It made it very awkward for me to be here and enjoy the site. I was always very protective of myself online but her being her that just went out the window and my privacy just didn’t exist anymore because of her bad choices. That can never be undone. Now, I’ve come to terms with it and embraced it to the point I just so matter of factly put all this private stuff out there. People now know about my life and history and views and sex life and what I look like. It feels very great to just not care anymore.What is the most misunderstood thing about you in your personal life and what do you think is the most misunderstood thing about you as the Viva Hate persona?I would guess that the most misunderstood thing about my personal life is that people don’t often believe that I’m very shy. People always seem to view me as being cocky and arrogant and I think because of that they think I’m very secure with myself but I’m not. I don’t feel comfortable around people because very few people see the world the way I do and being myself around them would not end well, or at least that is my assumption. There’s very little difference between me and !Viva Hate!. Sure, it is it’s own entity and doesn’t necessarily reflect everything I truly believe and feel but for the most part what you see is what you get. My ex will tell you that the on/off switch doesn’t work most of the time. I say things in jest that are taken seriously or are considered hurtful. If anything, I’m probably more reserved as !Viva Hate! because I don’t always react to everything or blurt out whatever thought has entered my mind whereas I generally do in real life. I can’t really help it. Something pops in my head that I find funny and I have to share it. For example, last night I think I may have disturbed a friend of mine by telling them that I’d like to see a Gilligan’s Island/Hogan’s Heroes-like sitcom about Jeffrey Epstein’s sex island and have it star Ron Perlman (this led into the Ron Perlman divorce hole I told you about). Children in cages trying every episode to escape but their plan is foiled in some lighthearted way every time. The notion was hilarious to me but I think they thought I was crazy. I don’t know, maybe I am.As you have recently publicly embraced a trans lifestyle, what would you say have been the most positive and the most negative repercussions on your day to day life?Well, I’m much happier. So I guess that is a positive. I get hit on a lot more and that could go either way. The negative aspects have more to do with the waiting game. My hair isn’t long enough yet. It’s currently shoulder length and it will probably take another two months to get it the length I want before I can dye it again. Another negative aspect is that that I don’t present all the time out of convenience and peace of mind and I’m not sure how long it is going to take me to have the courage to go grocery shopping or just out in the general public in a normal setting as a female. I spent an awfully long time building myself up and now I feel like I have to start all over again. On top of all this, I have to regularly shave my entire body which is such a pain because I’m a few degrees away from being Robin Williams hairy and my skin is sensitive and can’t take daily shaves. I’ve been using Veet lately but it smells horrible and doesn’t work every time. AND now I have horrible allergies where I’m sensitive to certain ingredients and also heat, so I can only take cold showers and regularly am dealing with allergic reactions that can make my eyes, hands and lips swell and make hives appear. It’s like, so hard to keep looking pretty. It can be daunting.So when and in what settings DO you feel comfortable as this new self? And surely, although your transitioning is still a work in progress, enough has changed so that even when you're not “presenting” as a woman per se, you look noticeably different to other people than you used to...or is that a naive assumption?Settings I feel comfortable in currently are limited to my home, someone else’s residence or a bar/club/theater. That’s about it. In these places, I have some control over who I’m around and who I interact with. If I can’t control the situation, I’m not going to risk it at this juncture. One bad experience could set me back big time. In the last year I’ve been depressed by things that have happened and gone off my medication for periods of time. Well, the thing is, you go off it and you’re pretty much guaranteed to undo your progress. I can’t keep having experiences that make me so upset that I don’t progress because then the lack of progression or the reversal of progression leads to more depression which leads us back where we were again.I mean, I don’t just take my pills and become a woman. I take two kinds of pills. One to stifle the testosterone and one that is essentially estrogen. I started this too late for there to be a radical difference with pills alone. At this juncture in my life, what it’s going to do is essentially limited to weight redistribution, slowed hair loss, breast development and softer skin. Potentially I run the risk of my dick and/or balls shrinking too. I stay mostly covered up in my day to day life. For the last 20 years, I’ve never gone in public without a jacket and I have never worn shorts in my adult life. Eventually my breasts may have to be taped down but I’m not to the point where it’s very obvious when I have a jacket on. It’s not really a big deal to do that as I’ve been subconsciously tucking and peeing sitting down for like the last 15 years anyway.Do you feel any different, now having been going through this process for awhile, than you did at the outset? What remains for you on this journey?Ha. No, I don’t feel any different. I feel happier and more at peace and I lose my temper far less. But not really any different in a significant way. I’ve been told I always had a “very feminine energy” to me. I think that’s just a nice way of saying “you’re a catty bitch and I always knew you liked men”. There is a lot left to do. My breasts have like another year and a half of developing to go. Various procedures that I would like as well. Electrolysis, dermabrasion and microdermabrasion, Lasik, Invisalign, bleaching, hair transplant to feminize my hairline...I have a widow’s peak and don’t like it. I think once all that is done, I’ll be very comfortable in my own skin. I’m very grateful that I’m not dysphoric to the extent that I want facial feminization surgery...I might get there some day though, and that scares me. Other than that, just presenting publicly with confidence is what I want most. The rest doesn’t really matter as much to me.How do you juxtapose your shyness against something as bold and potentially publicly contentious as transitioning?Honestly, I have almost zero support and I know I’m not going to be able to have any of my desired procedures done anytime soon so I’m using things like this site and 4chan and Grindr as ways to validate myself. It’s the foundation I need to be able to cope with the shyness.In the past, you've implied if not outright stated a support for the Trump administration; not exactly a haven of safety and acceptance for the LGBTQ community.  If you still have a positive assessment of President Trump, how do you reconcile that with your lifestyle? Do you feel a disconnect between yourself and the bulk of his fanbase? I mean, I am a Trump supporter in the sense that I have traditionally been conservative all my life and the only other option was Clinton at the time. Had there been a better choice, like Sanders, I would’ve voted for the first time in my life for a Democrat. For some reason though they f***ed Bernie over and it looks like they’re going to do it again. But that’s the media for you. I have no idea what Trump’s fanbase is actually like. I don’t follow it. I’m not entrenched in it. I don’t really care either. I know what people say it is like, but you also have to consider the source on these things. None of his policies have affected me in any manner whatsoever so I guess that’s how I reconcile it. I think people in general tend to overreact to things. I really don’t think he’s that bad. I mean he’s not Bush levels of bad, yet. Generally, I’m just very amused by him. He’s such a f***ing troll and it just pisses everybody off. Like that picture where he photoshopped his head on Rocky’s body the day before Thanksgiving. It was brilliant. It’s absolutely hilarious that this is what the world has become; the president is sitting around making memes and everyone is losing their mind over it. Like, who cares? Really? How can you take people seriously that are losing their minds over this shit? These are the same people that tossed Obama’s salad for 8 years and he did absolutely nothing of any lasting worth. The entire cult of personality with Obama reached absurd levels. How exactly does someone win the Nobel peace prize before they’ve actually done anything? Lol. How do you win an award for what you’re supposedly gonna do? He didn’t bring peace...so, do they take the award back like he’s Jim Thorpe or some shit? They should give me the Nobel prize for literature for the great book that I will write someday because, apparently, it doesn’t matter if I ever actually write it or not...you just gotta believe. Like Peter Pan. Hey, did you know Trump is executing dozens of children at this very moment on the border? See? This type of nonsense is why I don’t take any of these people whining seriously. The world is a sad and stupid place and it gets more sad and stupid with every generation. What is it about Sanders that appeals to you? He seems to be the white knight of the sort of demographic that you strike me as being very cynical of. Do you divorce him from the bulk of his supporters?I like the idea of a lot of his policies. Others I absolutely hate. I’m not a fan of giving blanket citizenship to illegal immigrants. By the way, ever notice they don’t call them that anymore? They’ve gone through about 4 different changes on how they chose to present the situation through the media. Gee, I wonder why they’re doing that? Lol. I like his stances on fair elections, Medicare, LGBT insurance coverage, raising the minimum wage, college, forgiveness of medical and student loan debt, housing and rent control, tax increase for wealthy, social security, and a marijuana legalization that includes expunging records for past offenses.I pretty much divorce everyone from everything. I have family members who are constantly saying “oh, I’ll never watch another one of his movies again” when they find out they disagree with an actor on some issue or live in a way not approved of by them. I’m not really like that. I generally think everyone should mind their own business and leave everyone alone. So, honestly, I can’t say I know much about his supporters. I’m assuming they are like douchebag millennials or something that want everything given to them and blaming the last generation for all their failures? I mean, it’s a shitty movie but I can’t think of a better comparison at the moment...think of Luke in The Last Jedi. That’s pretty much me as far as this stuff goes. I’m on my own island cut off from it all by choice.____________________-End-</blockquote>

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