SamSaaaam! You don't have to sell your kitty to the night! Those days are over. I know he's only here for damage control, but you must be aware it's only going to work on a limited number of cat fans. Some fussy pussy fans will find his breed too common to awww at, for example. All in all, you're left with a minuscule niche here. And even if your gran had a cute corgi puppy it wouldn't work for long. Welsh folks aren't that interesting.
Songs? You want to post unheard songs? To distract people? There again, er. It will work for as long as the song lasts, and all that most attentive listeners will remember afterwards is that your uncle seems to have mislaid his dentures.
Mind you (and here I rashly suppose you've seen "Pitch Perfect 3", which you must have, since it's full of babes in army uniforms), at this stage, even singing "Toxic" with mucho hip gyration wouldn't dizzy the enemy.
No, Sam. You're clearly struggling here so let me help you. I'm going to tell you what would put my mind off racism, facism and the rest of it. Because you never know, what works for me might actually work for the majority of human beings.
The secret, Sammy, is food.
Now, pay attention, not virtual food. A picture of a yummy sandwich will just make people angrier. No. Real food. Delivered to people's home.
You see, most people like eating. But many people find shopping for food, cooking and doing the dishes (what's a dishwasher, is it someone who gives gastro-enteritis to singers in Peru?) increasingly tiresome. It's also time-consuming, and we need to save time to gawk at your uncle making an arse of himself on the internet, I'm sure you'll agree. Remember, unlike you Sammy, we're not "always on holiday". Well most of us aren't.
So me personally, feed me and I forget everything. Of course it only lasts for about 4 hours, but that's better than any cat product on the market.
For instance, send me a few vegetarian enchiladas and my memory of "siempre fidel a ti" will be obliterated. A tupperware of bademjan and I'll stop remembering there's somebody of Persian persuasion out there who will "do anything", except, apparently, stage an intervention to save your uncle from ridicule. Not that that is feasible, so nobody is blaming her for not including old loopy fat cats in her rescue operations. (My advice, which should never be paid attention to, would be to let him wander the streets until he's found by another pet lover, someone caring, balanced, and with a penchant for the Arts, a bit like Nasim Aghdam was, really, that'd be ideal).
I'm all for veggie food but it has to be tasty and varied. If I eat the same thing twice in a year I become very very moody indeed.
For lunch today I quite fancy a curry. Nothing too spacey, spacey is rarely satisfying. Please refrain from sending the usual hairdresser, it's not hygienic to let those touch food. Your uncle must cough up hairballs at regular intervals, mustn't he? And they thought it was cancer...
But you absolutely can send the Mayor of London. Like the curry I might "have him on the low". Well that just means I'll just warm him up at low temperature, but who knows, it could lead to romance if he's not disgusted by me (as you would be Sammy, the reason why you still bother being that you haven't seen a picture. You take after your uncle in that respect. Unfortunately, conversely, I've seen too many pictures of him to allow me to forget he's a dumbed-down version of Mussolini, minus the ability to speak Italian and make decent pasta (was right next to Pigneto so could have had confirmation easily, but decided not to bother. Some facts really need not be checked.)
Well I hope this will help Sam as I sensed you were getting a bit desperate. Perhaps that's a strong word...Disappointed maybe? Like when the pizza guy gets the wrong address or in your case the chick at the counter refuses to pose with a large burrito or even a large burro (not that I ever checked those bodyguards' I.Q so your uncle might call that prejudice. He's well skilled in spotting that, prejudice.)
I'm getting peckish so that's it from me. If you're looking for a cake idea well I love black forest (it's not code to say I'm a lesbian. I just love that cake.) It may be a bit nazi though but as long as I don't hear it say "heil liver!" I'll just ignore that. Maybe your uncle will love it too if you hide a stormfront stripper in it. Great birthday idea. Don't tell him you found it on this site.
I'm off. You know where I live. Make sure that food gets here. Oh and two light ales please. Weight is not an issue, people love me as I am, or they don't. Well they don't but they don't love anybody anyway, except their own self loathing and I've never let that ruin my meals.
Unlike some die-hard fans who shall remain nameless, poor underfed babies...
Ps, say hi to granny for me. Nice stove. probably not big enough to burn small people in though, that's a shame. (And the room could be definitely improved with a touch of WW2 memorabilia...but I understand those things are expensive for an old lady of slender means.)