Morrissey has Goose for Christmas

Discussion in 'General Discussion archive 2009 (read-only)' started by Fr. Neil Horan, Dec 26, 2009.

  1. Fr. Neil Horan

    Fr. Neil Horan New Member

    Dec 26, 2009
    ...and so it was, I hadn't met my old acquaintance quite some time...

    It was Christmas Eve, between the newly installed revolving doors of my parish church...
    a gloved hand : landed on my shoulder,
    another : covered my eyes.
    a soft, deep voice : "Still whorin', Father ?"

    Well, thankfully the door kept revolving and the stranger revealed himself...

    "Indeed, I thought it was yourself!", I said.

    Removing a flat cap and reorienting his fringe skyward, he recoiled :

    "Myself?, I'm never myself!- you should know by now my boy", as we entered the Church Of The Bottomless Candle

    "That, I have come to realise", I said.

    "Shall we repair to your confession box, Father ?"

    "If you like", I said. "...but my parish house is just next door and I have it well stocked with Marmalade and whatnot at this time of year!"...

    "Um..ok, but I would like you to hear my confession before the year is behind us...", he frowned

    "That's fine. We'll talk in the living room.", I said.

    "Good, well where have you been Father ?", he asked as we exited the church.

    "The 'Children In Pieces' conference I'm attending has concluded for the day", I informed him as we headed up the gravely path to my parish house. "Do you know they were playing that as the Archbishop stepped up to address all of us on the latest crisis ?"

    "Really,", he sighed as we entered the house and into the living room.

    "They are trying to recruit celebrity apostles to reinvigorate the church, so expect a letter from Cardinal Connell. I recommended yourself".

    "Dear God, please help me...", he chuckled to himself all Mutley like, settling in to arm chair.

    "Still on the Grey?", I enquired.
    "Yes my man : but it's 'Goose' rather than 'Earl' these days...", he snappily retorted.
    "...with ice, thank you....oh and a saucer of Marmalade....with a teaspoon if you can manage that..".

    "Certainly...I know your vice"

    At the drinks cabinet, a number of things crossed my mind - not to mention his latest tour, with all its mishaps
    "Thank you Father..", he said as I returned with the drinks.

    "So, I'm glad to see you've finally immortalised my old parish of Swords !", I rejoiced, settling back in my armchair.
    "Did I have a choice?", he said
    "We all have choices", I said
    "If we could but see them...but most of us live in the home for the blind, don't you find", he said

    "Maybe - but we all need inspiration : including you", I said

    "oh come now Father, don't hold back...wide to receive!"

    "Well, witty banter on stage is all very well, but couldn't you do something different next year for a change ?!"

    "..humm well I can juggle. Unicycling? Get fired from a canon ?", he derided

    "No, no, no - turn things upside down! : you're an actor acting the part of ....well write the script.
    you have a choice to change's theatre"

    "oh, why bother ?"

    "because bread without Marmalade is bland...", I said

    "Maybe so", he said "but not Marmalade without bread!", spooning in a large lump of same.

    "...Mmmm...Mmmmessage received loud and clear Father, but mmm may I say you're much too late. I thought of all that months ago....years ago
    That was the theme throughout the Swords tour!.
    ...did you not see?....
    I took my cue from an old etching from my dim and distant past : 'Illness As Art'....I think you need to hear my confession...", he said shovelling in another spoon of Marmalade : washing it down with a slug of Grey Goose.

    "Certainly, I said. Please open your soul my son..."

    "aaaahh!...Well mmm! the past, I've worn hearing aids, plasters, painted bruises. I needed to take it to the next explode Father ! "
    "I've done witty banter, yes like you said...and yes I needed to turn things um...slightly upside down"

    "I see ...'bitter wanker' instead of witty banter then", I said ...trying to be witty.

    "yes..umm...wit doesn't become you Father...
    It's all about stage management these days, don't you think ?.
    Publicity, the process is what makes success.
    It doesn't matter if it's good or bad or if you're good, bad, bald, old, infirm or even.....ugly", he replied.

    "That's very true", I said. "...very true indeed Look at me! - I am the living sign!"

    "..Quite, yes...the newsworld hands people stardom for the strangest of reasons. Let me explain, or rather confess Father :

    "I timed my collapse in Swindon to happen at the end of This Charming Man and to say I was quite pleased with the
    outcome on Sky News and BBC News for once, from me, would be an understatement. It seemed like it was
    more attention, in one foul swoop, than I've been given in the last 25 years...."

    "Why Swindon?", I asked.

    "Well one lives in hope, as I did in the hope that some clever swines would churn out clever Swine flu headlines in the tabloids,
    which sadly never came to fruition. But I digress...the goodwill from the media organisations was surpiringly heart warming and welcome.
    So, in Liverpool, as a follow-up I organised it so that the son of old friend would throw a pint at me.
    I've a big head, or so I've been told, and I knew it was coming at that point so he couldn't really miss!", he mutley-chuckled.

    "Christ on bike!", I exclaimed

    "Yess.....that generated quite a bit more publicity, quite pleasing to me....
    But at heart...I am....a lazy sunbather...who likes to bask in the warm glow of the media spotlight, so sadly like a media whore : I wanted more....", he said spooning another large dollop of Marmalade washed down with 'Goose'

    "More?!", I said

    "More...I cannot lie to you Father - I confess...So in Hamburg, I organised it so that Dirk Sweinsteiger, a German cousin of our tour manager would tell me to go f**k myself after singing 'Paris'".
    Unaccustomed as I am to using the F word, we decided we would need to rehearse this emotional exchange during the soundcheck.
    Someone suggested I channel an upset Monty from Withnail to get into a different headset.
    I thought it came off quite splendidly on the night. ", he chuckled to himself.

    "Well fiddle me sticks!", I said "Is there no end to your debauched trickery?", I said

    "...well...I was surprised that reach higher in the media chart headlines...
    "...tailor made, as it was, for the headless hacks 'M tells hamburger to go f**k himself', etc., etc.
    " a gaping goal and the ball is sent over the bar.."

    I needed a swift fix of my special Marmalade Mead at this point.
    "More Goose ?", I asked as I proffered the bottle

    "Thank you...", he said.

    " So....what next?!", I asked

    "..Well anything to get in the press. To USE the press, I should say, because certainly my record company did nothing to help me or Swords"
    ..after my collapse, it seemed some 'eNeMiEs', so to speak were keen predicting my demise...
    So I decided to turn this to my advantage and each night have moments of senior's forgetfulness, mistiming and untunefulness during How Soon Is Now? .
    Sadly and surprisingly not many people noticed that.", he sighed taking another hefty slug of Grey Goose.

    "Well it does shows just how much musicality and attention they possess...", I said.

    "Sad but entirely true Father....sad...and ironic...", he said spooning some more Marmalade
    "...mmm..the story...mmm..of my life", he said mealy mouthed.

    Then downing the rest of his Goose, he arose abruptly. donning his cap and coat.
    "...more of which Father, you will hear...when we meet again...who knows where or when...".

    "Peace be with you my son. That'll be 3 Hail Mary's one Our Father", I said.

    "Thanks Father, you the Goose and the Marmalade have been feckin' lovely! ", he said as he whisked himself out the front door into the distance
  2. Re: Morrissey has Goose for Christmas !

    I detect the work of Brummie Boy.
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2009
  3. Girl-with-the-Thorn

    Girl-with-the-Thorn If you hit me it's murder

    May 2, 2009
    Lincoln UK
    Re: Morrissey has Goose for Christmas !

    Who? I must say the title alarmed me slightly at first...
  4. Re: Morrissey has Goose for Christmas !

    Nothing alarms me these days except the sight of Huw Edwards.

    Brummie Boy is quite a card. This is almost as funny as 'Morrissey's tour diary 2009' under the Lady Gaga thread. Almost.
  5. mozmic_dancer

    mozmic_dancer One of the Good Guys

    Apr 25, 2006
    Well, I'll be dipped in sugar. A ghost of Moz-solo past when it was a lawless town. :lbf:

    If this is Mike TV no-longer-in-retirement, can Thursday-Pathetic be far behind?
  6. Uncleskinny

    Uncleskinny It's all good Subscriber

    Jun 1, 2000
    On the moors
    Re: Morrissey has Goose for Christmas !

    And you, such a new user?

    How wrong can you be.

    Go to bed.
  7. Uncleskinny

    Uncleskinny It's all good Subscriber

    Jun 1, 2000
    On the moors
    The man is a genius. I met him in Ireland meself this year. A wonderful man.
  8. Uncleskinny

    Uncleskinny It's all good Subscriber

    Jun 1, 2000
    On the moors
    Re: Morrissey has Goose for Christmas !

    When will you SHUT UP. You are a boring person with nothing else to do except post shite. For a new user, you have quite a knowledge of people on here. I'll repeat what I said last night. You have a day here. Tops.

  9. ExpectingToFly

    ExpectingToFly Active Member

    Dec 10, 2008
    Nowhere Land
    Re: Morrissey has Goose for Christmas !

    Woah, that's a bit harsh, no? Ive not been paying much attention to this site recently but can you be banned for "posting shite"? I don't know if thats the case because I've not been on much but from what I have seen I can't see that he's done anything wrong. And who decides what is "shite"? Are you going to ban someone just because you don't like them? Maybe I've missed something...........:confused:
  10. mywar

    mywar practicing troublemaker

    May 10, 2006
    Home Page:
    I enjoyed this.
  11. Re: Morrissey has Goose for Christmas !

    He's been trolling me over Christmas. Given his behaviour and my immaculate conduct, I would imagine it is he who is close to being banned. If I'm so boring, perhaps he should leave me in peace as one ordinarily does to the terminally dull.

    Given the 'wit' he's demonstrated over the past 24 hours, I'll take his commendation of this man's 'genius' just as seriously as I would Shakin' Stevens' views on fashion.
  12. underthefloorboards

    underthefloorboards Bailiff's Gimp

    Dec 9, 2009
    Re: Morrissey has Goose for Christmas !

    I'm so disappointed there is still no reply to this...
  13. helen661

    helen661 Member

    Feb 29, 2008

    Fr Neil Horan :lbf:

    I knew I remembered that dudes name from somewhere :lbf: :guitar:
    Last edited by a moderator: May 15, 2016
  14. bored

    bored Lust a prima vista

    Apr 23, 2006
    The (take you for) Granite State
    Re: Morrissey has Goose for Christmas !

    First thought that came to mind when I saw the title was.. "Yeah, Grey Goose maybe."
  15. Fr. Neil Horan

    Fr. Neil Horan New Member

    Dec 26, 2009
    ..oh and Rose my housekeeper yesterday discovered a package behind the living room sofa...

    it seems my old acquaintance left a surprise present for during his visit : a draft copy of Vol 1 of his autobiography.

    I will of course be seeking permission to use passages in future sermons to my congregation.
  16. Glad to hear it. We take a very dim view of intellectual copyright infringements on Morrissey so-slow. I personally have shopped four users already. And I'm in the mood to add to the list.
  17. Fr. Neil Horan

    Fr. Neil Horan New Member

    Dec 26, 2009
    Quite saddened to hear of your dim views and bad breath, my son.
    The value of a good education and fresh breath cannot be underestimated.
    So, let me help :
    the only "permission" I seek is from my Archbishop, who proof reads and approves the sermons of all priests in the parish before they delivered from the pulpit.

    The only "copyright infringements" members of the cloth have to worry about are spiritual copyright infringements.
    I might add that the Hari Krishna lawyers are quite active in this regard with their monitoring of our sermons.

    I hope you sleep better tonight.
    God bless.

    I highly recommend a drink called Listerine.:thumb:

  18. Listerine? I think that's the one I've been drinking daily since 1994. I only found out you're meant to spit in 2007.

    In light of the above, I think it's a bit rich to question my dental hygiene.

    Are you on assistance of some kind or do you do this 'just for fun?'
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2009

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