Helping friends with breakups.

C

Cassius

New Member
One of my friends is breaking up with her fiancee of two years. I just found out that he's been mentally abusive to her :)mad:) for quite some time, and obviously she doesn't feel very good about herself right now. However, she's finally realized that enough is enough and is leaving him :)clap:) and moving to my city to go to college in a couple of months. I want to help her out as much as I can (although I can't financially), so what can I do to help?
 
Hate, hate, hate to be in a situation like that, especially if both parties to the couple are friends of mine. As Vicarinatutugal said, be supportive, listen and try not to judge. :)
 
Nothing, really. If she made the decision to leave all by herself and walked away, then she is already strong enough, and stronger than most of the weak and sad people who would stay, so good for her.

If she is your friend, then just do what you normally do. It seems she has the rest under control already.
 
vicarinatutugal said:
just listen and try not to judge :)
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When you say don't judge, do you mean not judge her or her ex-bf? I've been telling her that she's doing a great thing by leaving but I've been calling him an asshole. :cool:

Seriously, he was horrible to her. :tears:

I'm bringing her down this weekend to look at dorms though, and to hang out. Get her mind off of it.
 
Arsenal said:
Nothing, really. If she made the decision to leave all by herself and walked away, then she is already strong enough, and stronger than most of the weak and sad people who would stay, so good for her.
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Well, she does need my help on a few things, like bringing her down here to look at the school and helping her move. She has seemed like she wanted some support, as well. I was just wondering if there was anything else I should be doing. I've never really been in this situation before.

I do agree with you, it is good for her.
 
i was dumped about a week before christmas one year, it was horrible! but the best thing anyone did for me was just being typical friends and we did typical things and they just had me having fun and laughing.a few weeks later and i was okay with things.

so i would say just act normal and be a what you are already, a friend.
 
Cassius said:
When you say don't judge, do you mean not judge her or her ex-bf? I've been telling her that she's doing a great thing by leaving but I've been calling him an asshole. :cool:

Seriously, he was horrible to her. :tears:

I'm bringing her down this weekend to look at dorms though, and to hang out. Get her mind off of it.
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most important thing is that she knows that she doesnt start to feel like she did something wrong and thats why he was calling her names. most likely he was just being a jerk but if you're talked down to consistently enough, you start to believe you really do suck as a person. maybe she already realizes this, which is great. just make sure she isnt hiding her feelings about it and deep down feels like its her fault.
 
nugz said:
most important thing is that she knows that she doesnt start to feel like she did something wrong and thats why he was calling her names. most likely he was just being a jerk but if you're talked down to consistently enough, you start to believe you really do suck as a person. maybe she already realizes this, which is great. just make sure she isnt hiding her feelings about it and deep down feels like its her fault.
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I've been telling her that, but I think she already knew. I think it's like you said, after a while she just got used to it, but now she's realized that she doesn't deserve it.
 
Seriously I could write a book on mental abuse and controlling people.

All you can do is listen and make subtle small steps to boost her confidence.

Controlling people are devious and clever,if insecure and slowly and insiduously they erode your personality away,often without you realising its happening.
 
Hellie said:
Controlling people are devious and clever,if insecure and slowly and insiduously they erode your personality away,often without you realising its happening.
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I know. :tears: She told me that the other night she asked him if he wanted to watch a movie and he yelled, "Shut the f*** up, you stupid dumbass bitch!". :mad:
 
Be a good friend, but also be honest and tough when you need to...

What I'm saying is, don't tell her what she wants to hear, that's a mistake friends tend to make a lot, nothing like honesty and truth to really help a friend out.. :)
 
Mostly don't dwell on it. There's a limit to what you can do for her. I think that people find each other. It's possible that she is not cured from whatever caused her to put up with him in the first place, and if she is not careful she will attract the same type of person again. If you try to stop her she will rebel against you and it will push her closer to the person. So I wouldn't get real involved in her next relationship, but I would try to have fun. People feel better and are more attractive when they are having a good time, and she might meet someone that is right for her.

In the meantime you guys can have fun and that will do a lot for her.
 
Okay so she spent all weekend with me, cried half the time, and today my boyfriend--who called into work sick so he could help her--and I helped her move her things out of that apartment into her parent's house. Two hours later I call her and she tells me she's thinking about going back.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
 
Cassius said:
Okay so she spent all weekend with me, cried half the time, and today my boyfriend--who called into work sick so he could help her--and I helped her move her things out of that apartment into her parent's house. Two hours later I call her and she tells me she's thinking about going back.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
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typical behavior in that kind of situation. hopefully she wont.
 
Cassius said:
I hope so too but if she does then she has no one to blame but herself. I have no sympathy for people who are given help and don't take it.
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its hard though. its at the point where its a psychological thing with her. kinda like when people are offered help to get off drugs and they dont take it. to an outsider they might think theyre crazy, but to the drug addict, its all they know. so even though theyre in a bad situation, its comforting to them in a sick way. thats probably whats going on with your friend.
 
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