give me advice please

Discussion in 'Off-topic archive (read-only)' started by JamesIrvine, Apr 24, 2017.

  1. JamesIrvine

    JamesIrvine New Member

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    Hi, i wrote this really short song/poem would like to have some peoples opinions please


    Disconnection

    concealing my thoughts,
    behind my modern day mask
    breaking down barriers of faces to
    face
    the deconstruction of barriers is
    the reconstruction of society
    the screens you so pathetically conceal
    your weak incapable mind
    fads that constantly change no matter day season or year

    not exactly put in lots of thought but would like some people's opinions thanks:)

    not sure if this is relevant but I'm only 15
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2017
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  2. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    It's good. A little vague and "disconnecting" from the reader but good, I mean, I like it, but I try to never judge art. To me, it's all good. It's all just art, doesn't matter what I think, only matters that you create it. Whatever people get out of it, is fine.
     
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  3. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    Snowflake!

    Get laid and get over yourself.
     
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  4. Kenmare

    Kenmare Active Member

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    James, I'm not sure that this forum is the best place for calling an ad hoc poetry workshop. Are you happy with this writing?
     
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  5. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    I like it :)
     
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  6. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    that's very pretty, i like it
    and please ignore any hateful comments you might receive, not even moz is safe from people's judgments here, so don't worry, keep writing :)
     
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  7. Taco Tuesday

    Taco Tuesday Guest

    Keep working. No one can teach you how to write like yourself. I think you'd have a stronger work if you didn't accuse the reader of being pathetic, weak, and incapable, but maybe that's exactly what you want to do. The part about fads seems like you were running out of steam.
    The stronger more interesting part is about barriers (but maybe don't use the word twice in that short a time) screens, masks. There are lots of exercises you can do that would make your work stronger. I don't feel like this is a poem really but sort of a sketch with some ideas you need to test out and "reconstruct."
    You have to put in lots of thought because the way you're working here is not intuitive, meaning it didn't just come to you all at once. You're building it piece by piece. Don't get too attached to any of it. Maybe look at it like a building and create a plan for it. What is it trying to say. Which pieces fit? Which pieces need to go?

    I wish my user name was Snowflake! with the exclamation point.
     
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  8. Quando quando quando

    Quando quando quando Well-Known Member

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    In fact you put in a lot of thoughts and the ideas behind them are interesting but they don't come out that very clearly. It is somewhat vaguely and abstract and gives more hints then actually point them out. Maybe it was your intention to do exactly that.
    What is Society to you? What is your relation to Society as an individual? Those barriers, what are they, and if you would like to surpass them, how? And what does it has to do with Society as a whole, as you see it?
    And how to point it out in a poetic way, using language that can be direct, confrontational, or more suggestive, indirect and using technical features of (poetic) language like hyperbole, metaphor or tautology.
    I would try more different ways of how to express yourself.
    Just my two cents, I hope you don't mind.
    Cheers! :thumb:
     
  9. realitybites

    realitybites making lemonade Subscriber

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    There's no such thing as a bad poem.
     
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  10. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    There sure are, those written in rhymes all the way.
     
  11. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    Rhythm is very important. Having said that I know very little about poetry and don't read much of it though I have been using YouTube a bit to listen to some for free which has been nice. I would however like to encourage anyone to write and will say to keep working. No matter where you are now with it work and experience will only improve what you're writing no matter how talented a person is when they start
     
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  12. Quando quando quando

    Quando quando quando Well-Known Member

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    Or those without any rhyme at all?
    It's just a matter of appreciation.
    The thing I agree with realitybites is there are no rules to distinguish bad or good poetry.
    It's poetry. That is the good thing about art anyway.

    Many people seem to think that there is an anology to sports as a competition.
    But within sports there are rules and the goal by the game is to establish the winner.
    Not that difficult to comprehend. And to distinguish that winner.

    Anybody feeling the need is free in that area (Art) to convey whatever it is they want as an individual, a person.
    It seems a good concept to me as I relish freedom and I do believe it is one of the not many areas where it is still possible to be and to feel free, as long as self censure out of fear doesn't withhold you. How long will it take before the thoughtpolice can scan your brain and thoughts at a remote distance and deciding you are a threat to society, to other people?

    But that freedom is something worth to defend and democracy, a juridicial system, science and journalism are too. Those areas are not designed as such to accommodate fearful people. What is the alternative? Anarchy? Chaos? A completely autocratic system with a powerful dictator who will corrupt and be corrupted as power corrupts and total power corrupts totally?
    It doesn't appeal to me.
     
  13. I think you sat by me on the train. Do you have a beard made of glue and grass trimmings?
    But seriously, I don't get this.
    Poetry is different than sports because sports has rules. Got it.
    The thought police are probably onto you. Got it.
    But paragraph three confuses me.
     
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  14. Ketamine Sun

    Ketamine Sun Why do Moz haters obsessively visit solo?

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    This feeling inside me could never deny me
    The right to be wrong if I choose,
    And this pleasure I get
    From say winning a bet
    Is to lose

    Nothing good, nothing bad, nothing ventured
    Nothing gained, nothing still-born or lost,
    Nothing further than proof nothing wilder than youth
    Nothing older than time, nothing sweeter than wine
    Nothing physically, recklessly, hopelessly blind
    Nothing I couldn't say
    Nothing why 'cause today
    Nothing rhymed
     
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  15. Quando quando quando

    Quando quando quando Well-Known Member

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    On the train? Possible. The beard? Nope. I shave. Well at least sometimes. :rolleyes:
    I like it you don't get it. Otherwise you could be bored.
    And that I am actually able to confuse you shows me you are not. And replying of course.
    By the way, you confuse me too.

    The things you got were not meant as such but hey, that's my inability.
    The thought police are probably not on to me yet, or you, but there are signs authorities in their wish to control and prevent anything that might trouble their goals to keep everything quite and silence are not rejecting to that. And therefore my freedom of expression might be not so free. And yours. And I am not talking about deaththreats, hatespeech, glorification of violence against innocent people.

    I tried to explain my opinion about not being able to distinguish good or bad poetry with an analog to sports wherein it is very easy to distinguish cause the winner is the best or at least better then the loser which is easy to find out when the match is finished. Say football. The most goals count.
    Thank you for your reply! :thumb:
     
  16. Quando quando quando

    Quando quando quando Well-Known Member

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    Great Ketamine Sun!
    Thanks for sharing.
    One of my all time favorite singles!
    Love it! :thumb:
     
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  17. I was confused if the right to write bad poetry was what you thought we should go to war for. I thought that Urbanus already volunteered to fight?
    But more relevant to the thread maybe, I do think there is bad poetry. I'm not sure how someone could listen to Morrissey and disagree. Not that his is bad, most of the time. But he has opinions about bad poetry, bad music, and so on.
    The point is though, everyone can write whatever they want, who cares? But if there is no bad poetry how can there be good poetry? What is the difference? Are there no bad paintings or bad music? Isn't this like that idea in children's sports where everyone gets a trophy for showing up and they don't keep score?
    What will happen to the poets when we tell them their work is good and then they get out into the real world? They will not be prepared for it.

    The lyrics to "Kiss Me All Over the Place" are an example of horrible "poetry" and the lyrics to "Maladjusted" are an example of exceptional, even great, poetry. Or are they the same?
     
  18. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    There's bad poetry and there's good poetry. The thing is who decides about it.
     
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  19. I volunteer.
     
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  20. Ketamine Sun

    Ketamine Sun Why do Moz haters obsessively visit solo?

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    'The lyrics to "Kiss Me All Over the Place" are an example of horrible "poetry" and the lyrics to "Maladjusted" are an example of exceptional, even great, poetry. Or are they the same?'

    It's actually called 'Kiss Me A lot'. And before one can call it 'an example of horrible poetry', one should first ask the author if it was (in this case) his intention of writing a poem or writing song lyrics. Or is it up to the reader/listener and not the author to make this judgement? But I do agree with you on 'Maladjusted'. :thumb:
     
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