...Now, true, I'm not sure I remember who Def Lep are, but if they're jealous because some BS anorak journalists who probably send homemade jam and personalized embroidered mats to Ms Dwyer on her birthday don't mention their mas to Brian Hovercraft...
...I got this letter in the post this morning. Addressed to the N M E. Must be a mistake.
Dear New Malamut Express,
My name's Barking. I've been in the phenomenally original band Barking and the Barkettes for more than 38 years now. I like to think of myself as a total has (or "have"? Never knew that) -been, or at the very least, a tedious old bore people can't wait to see the back of. And yet, I get no respect. No respect at all, whereas other has ("have"?) been ("s"?) like Macca and Mozza get plenty all the time and even get some (you know what I mean) from women like that phenomenally original hot chick Lady Gaga. Given that the music press is largely a Thing of the Past, I feel that's where I belong, in your columns. I too want to waste paper and ink and help boost your dwindling circulation by featuring in articles read largely by obsessed wanking tossers still living at their mum's. The BBC lets Morrissey do radio shows and complain about Music Magazines like a Parkinsonian Model Maker, I am perfectly able to make a dribbling fool of myself too. I still have fans, you know. The UK has no respect for its national treasures. I'll change my name to Barkka and my sexual orientation if it helps but please don't forget us or our major hit, "Barking around the Christmas tree" (Croydon number 1 xmas '78) (good times).
"Rock’s ploughed its own furrow for 30 years but still music magazines don’t give rock its due and still rave on about Nick Drake. How many more front covers do Paul McCartney and Morrissey need? Our album will sell more than Morrissey’s so why don’t we get the same kind of respect?"