Bored? Here's Some Jokes (No Moz Content)

  • Thread starter The Artist Formally Known As "Mud"
  • Start date
T

The Artist Formally Known As "Mud"

Guest
I've fallen behind in my email joke reading....

---
Only One

Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns had placed
a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl,
she placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is
watching."
At the other end of the table was a platter full of freshly baked
chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven.
Beside the platter with the cookies was a little note scrawled in a
child's handwriting which read,
"Take all you want. God's
watching the apples."
---
Snotty Receptionist

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who
insists
you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I
know
you
all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled
it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are
you
seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into
a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment
in
this room full of people. You should have said there is
something
wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further
with
the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken
her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
---
You'll know your church is redneck if...

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two
fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering," five guys and two women stand up.

Official opening day of deer season is recognized as a church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the
church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding."

There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too
heavy.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from)
Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
---

WHY SOME AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE LET OUT OF THE COUNTRY.....

(Actual comments from US travel agents)

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so their hair wouldn't get messed up from being
near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info,
she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length
of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her
look like the
stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response .. click. (musta been a Blonde) - Hey, now, watch it!!!

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain
that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to
me. I looked
on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said,
"No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the
reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he
wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive
between the gates to save
time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from
Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was
an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that! (Hadda be a Blonde) Now, there you go,
again!!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so
they know whose luggage belong! s to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied,
"Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and
I'm overweight, is there any connection?"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I
came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just
putting a destination tag on her luggage. (Blondes are smarter than this, musta been a
Redhead) Finally !!

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I
asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823,
but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." (Surely he was drunk) What
about HIS hair color??

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes."
I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,
whatever." (A Brunette)

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly
to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I
double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said,
"Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."

A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New
York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the
name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some
searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport
code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted,
"Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a
map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!" (I don't
wanna know her hair color)...
---

Martha Stewart VS Real Women

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice
cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake,
you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating
it anyway.

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for
up to a
year.

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit
of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the
cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
"fix me up."

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn
bad. Please
recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will
eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will
keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a
beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites
over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You
might still
have the headache, but who cares?

Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They
give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip..... and my favorite one-----

Martha's Way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future
use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine??????
---

Redneck Vacation Plans

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. "The last few years, I took your
advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went
to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to
go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested
Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again.

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me.
---
Police Officer Replies:

"Just how big were those two beers."

"Your life is not my fault."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?"

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the
ticket, huh?"

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but
I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I
AM the shift supervisor?"

"Warning?! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another
ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat
or a dog?"

"Fair?! You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a
place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton
candy, and step in monkey-poop."

"No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to
have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many
tickets as we want."

"I know, I know! Your kid is an honor student at the
juvenile detention center."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good
personal friend of yours. At least you know someone
who can post your bail."

"No, I don't believe they should use the electric
chair; I think they need to use electric
bleachers."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a new toaster oven."

"Life's tough; it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust; all others are suspects."
----
The Genie

ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out
a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked
Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he
replied and reached into his tacklebox and
pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere
did yew get dat monster?? "Vell," replied Ole,
"I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle
box," said Ole. "Could I see him?"
Ole opens his tackle box and out pops
the genie. The friend says, "Hey dere!
I'm a good friend of your master.

Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said, so Sven
asks him for a million bucks and the genie
hops back into the tackle box
and leaves him standing there waiting
for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and
the sound of a million ducks flying overhead
is heard.
Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million
Bucks, not Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew,
da genie is hard of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him
for a 12-inch BIC?
---
Pfizer Corp. (PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra
will soon be
available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as
a power
beverage suitable for use as-is or as a mixer, under the name
"Mount and Do."
A spokesman for Pepsi said "It will now be possible for a man to
literally
pour himself a stiff one".

---
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How
about
achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
---
take it like a man...

This guy is suffering from extreme abdominal pain so he goes
to the
doctor. The doctor says that the problem is serious, but with
medicated
rectal inserts the problem
should go away. After the initial insertion, the Doctor
explains that
the second should be inserted before bed. That night, before
he goes to
bed, the man attempts to insert
the medicine. After about 15 unsuccessful tries he calls his
wife for
help. His wife puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the
medicine.
He lets out a scream. 'Did I hurt
you?' his wife asks. "No, but I've just realized that when I
was at the
doctor's, he had TWO hands on my shoulders!'
---
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing
special.
I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah,
you know:
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

---
EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT FARTS, BUT WERE
AFRAID TO ASK.

What makes farts stink?

The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen
sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These
compounds contain sulfur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such
as skatole and indole also add to the stench of farts.

The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and
mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your
guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such
as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for
producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large
amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than
regular farts?

(Question submitted by many, many people!) Most fart
gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of
nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been
absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening.
These gases are odorless, although they often pick up
other (and more odiferous) components on the way
through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in
fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can
often achieve a good sound with these voluminous
farts, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane
with respect to odor, and don't feel particularly
warm.

Another major sorce of fart gas is bacterial action.
Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce
heat as a byproduct as well as various pungent gases.
The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot,
and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic
products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD
(Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to
produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?

On average, a person produces about half a liter of
fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about
fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for
you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can
certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart
count. You might try this as a science fair project:
Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of
your farts. You might make a note of the potency of
their odor as well. See if you can discover a
relationship between what you eat, how much you fart,
and how much they smell.

How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone
else's nose?

(Question submitted by SteF) Fart travel time depends
on atmospheric conditions such as humidity,
temperature and wind speed and direction, the
molecular weight of the fart particles, and the
distance between the fart transmitter and the fart
receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as
they leave the source, and their potency diminishes
with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected
within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for
perception and will be lost into the atmosphere
forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is
released into a small enclosed area such as an
elevator, a small room, or a car.

These conditions limit the amount of dilution
possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable
concentration for a long period of time, until it
condenses on the walls.

Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting
and the time it starts to smell?

Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence,
but it takes several seconds for the odor to travel to
the farter's nostrils. If farts could travel at the
speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly,
at the same time we hear them.

Is it true that some people never fart?

No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly
after death.

Do even movie stars fart? (Question submitted by
Mermaid2006)

Yes most men take more pride in it than most women.
There is a large variation among individuals in the
amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation
does not correlate with gender. I have read that men
fart more often than women. If this is true, then
women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per
fart than men do.

Do men's farts smell worse than women's farts?

Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all
I can say is that I hope not.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to
fart? (Submitted by David)

A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in
the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as
"morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good
resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?

Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest.
When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria
go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other
notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell
peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine
had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and
turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get
prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not
equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's
bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable
flatulence.

What things other than diet can make a person fart
more than usual?

People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people
who don't. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with
your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving
bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out
of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause
excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or
other low-pressure environment can cause the gas
inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong
end?

No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a
different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have
less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas
content than burps.

Is it harmful to hold in farts?

There are differences in opinion on this one.
Certainly, people have believed for centuries that
retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor
Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at
banquets out of concern for people's health. There was
a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or
catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have
spoken to recently have told me that there is no
particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not
poison you; they are a natural component of your
intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen
is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas
pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological
distention of the bowel could result if a person holds
in farts too much.

How long would it be possible to not fart? (Question
submitted by Ineed69too)

As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon
as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people
who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do
so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having
been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus
trips, and trans- Pacific flights, I can personally
vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart
voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the
question would be, you can refrain from farting as
long as you can stay awake!

Do all people fart in their sleep? (Question submitted
by MrBlack)

I have not made a scientific study of this, but I
don't think all people fart in their sleep. I think
mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do
so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training
takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass
their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas
accumulates in the night and they vent it upon
awakening.

Where do farts go when you hold them in?

How often have you held in a fart, intending to
release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only
to find that the fart has disappeared when you are
ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart
goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person
knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What
happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is
neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back
upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is
reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost,
just delayed.

How can one cover up a fart? (Question submitted by
Mouseweed)

There is a company called Fartypants that sells
underwear designed to absorb the odor of farts. If you
should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy
is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present,
or complain about how the wind must be blowing from
the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound...
if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious
and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to
you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies
include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that
people think that they misheard the fart.

If you are with one other person, you can act as if
nothing happened, and the other person may believe he
was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart. CJT
addresses the problem of farting loudly in a public
restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of
loose toilet paper, cover your butt hole and it will
muffle the farting; my friends and I call it the 'Buff

Muff'!" Depending upon the company, another strategy
is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the
fart as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a
challenge to the others to outdo that one if they
think they can.

Is it really possible to ignite farts?

The answer to that is yes! However, you should be
aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not
only can the flame back up into your colon, but your
clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A
survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more)
indicates that about a quarter of the people who
ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of
flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you
want to try it, and you don't have a friend to light
your fart for you, you might find it easier to
accomplish the job using the Fartlighter. There have
also been cases in which intestinal gases with a
higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during
surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

Why is possible to burn farts?

Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and
hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen
was the same gas that was used in the ill fated
Hindenburg dirigible.) Farts tend to burn with a blue
or yellow flame.
---
 
M

Mr.Improper rulez da game

Guest
hey nipplechops,maybe you and jackie the dumb dumb martling can get together and write jokes for each other?? he's not funny either. you two could be a duet
The really shitty comedians. I'd go and bring a large bag of fruit and other shit just to chuck at you,then afterwards, me and the crowd take turns beating you to a bloody pulp with one of the steel folding chairs i brought along for shits and giggles. Do me a favor? next time,stop while your ahead?? these jokes were dumb!!!
 
Top Bottom