Archive: Morrissey reviews the week's singles, Smash Hits 1984

From Sean:

During a weekend of sorting through endless boxes of tat, I uncovered this gem from a 1984 issue of Smash Hits. Read and nod.

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Morrissey's hilarious. I suddenly feel particularly not hilarious. :D

He should review something. He should just blog or write about the weather like the Blue Velvet guy or SOMETHING. Words flow from him like water from a tap.

The movie "Blue Velvet"? One of David Lynch's finest!:thumb:
That Lionel Richie quote is AMAZINGLY funny!! Best of the bunch.

Speaking about the single "Penny Lover"..'That people actually care for such things suggests an unholy amount of human misery" LOL LOL
Well, he was was certainly wrong about Heartbeat by The Psychedelic Furs and When Love Breaks Down by Prefab Sprout being big fat hits, wasn't he? They limped into the charts at numbers 62 and 88, respectively. Better luck next time, oh all-knowing seer!
If anybody's interested, there are actually two more instances of Morrissey reviewing the singles in 1984, besides this one - from Record Mirror (Feb) and Melody Maker (Aug). :)

All 3 here:

Thanks for this. Absolutely adored the Melody Maker one. Regarding Flying Lizards:

"Heaving asthmatically in the name of high sexuality, Sally Lizard emerges as bloodless as a prune [...] the pace is snail-slow, the passion is almost programmed, and the good-fellow jollity is fun in much the same way that death by leprosy is fun".

:laughing: Just brilliant. And this:

"National Passtime are four boys for whom a well-buttered scone would satisfy all fleshly cravings".
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Oh what a great find, thanks for posting.

Some classic Moz wit, but I'm rather disappointed at his volte-face on Duran Duran, he said they were rubbish before in a previous review and that song is distressingly bad.

Maybe he was pandering to the Smash Hits teenyboppers, when Duran were the biggest thing then? Can't see him going gaga over that one.
Singles were so much better then..... a few of those reviewed have stood the test of time regardless of personal preference. Thanks for sharing

"Romping travesty Prince"
Love these quotes, classic lines from the mozzer.
I love that prefab sprout single!
Some of these quotes remind me of those penpal letters he wrote, ripping apart modern music and his reader ;-)
There's another set of Moz single reviews in the UNCUT Smiths special, out recently.

Thanks for the heads up, Uncleskinny. I was going to skip this as Moz has accumulated almost as much in print as The Beatles; how much more is there to know? But the prospect of another singles review made this irresistible.

Sadly it was a dull release week. lol @ Susie Quatro. The singer from The Virgin Dance later complained about this review in a music paper a few years later when he was in a different band, so now I know where this came from. Interesting he reviewed Troy Tate, didn't know he put out his own music. Aussie counterparts The Go Betweens get a nice review but he completely misses the point of The Flying Lizards.

Good stuff, but the only annoying thing about this magazine was they gave individual ratings to all the tracks, much of which is ridiculous. 3 stars to Reel Around the Fountain and not even 5 stars to EDILS?! And interesting David Quantick was back reviewing Viva Hate which he trashed at one point, may explain the lukewarm scores and choosing him to tackle Bengali.
"There are indeed worse groups than Modern Romance, but can anybody seriously think of one?".
Yeah, The Smiths.

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