Altrincham Adventures

[Barking]

Hi all!

ALERT! HA HA.

I shoot hoops with Sammy so got my hands on the New Interview. I know you guys can't wait OR CAN YOU? HAHAHALERT! Ha.Ha. Anyway here's a sneak peek. Enjoy. xxx Val.

S.E.R: So, Uncle, I ran out of questions so I asked people to write some on a piece of paper and put them in my cap and we're going to draw some out.
M: Have you read them?
S.E.R: Well, no, but I have an assistant now.
M: Has HE read them?
S.E.R: No, why?
M: Nevermind. Fire away.

S.E.R. Okay. This first question is from, er, anonymous: "Morrissey, you say people are happier with their own race, but I'm the same race as you, and if I had to pick a Steven I'd pick Steven Yeun. How do you explain that?"
M: Nobody is the same race as me.
S.E.R: Except me.
M: Well obviously. You're family.
S.E.R: I've known you all my life and we've all been Cretinians for as long as I can remember.
M: Yes, anyway. It's probably because I don't play guitar. That stupid question is obviously from Nile Marr.
S.E.R: Oh I HATE that guy!! AND his dad!!
M: Next.
S.E.R. Okay Uncle, this next question is from ...Anonymous, Victorville:"Morrissey: somebody on the internet recently said your nephew was your son. Does that mean you actually slept with your sister? lol"
M: To that I say...Can't Sisters Be Brothers?
S.E.R: Eh? Sorry Uncle, are you asking me?

S.E.R: Soooo, Uncle, can I publish the interview now?
M: Of course, buddy.
S.E.R: Isn't that a dog's name?
M: It can if you want it to be. But I was just trying to sound like an American dad.
S.E.R: Oh okay. Seeing as you're my real daddy and all that. Got it. So this goes on Central, yeah?
M: Don't say "yeah". Yes, I just have to rewrite the questions.
S.E.R: Like, in English?
M: Yeah. Add a few words with more than one syllable in them, some feeble attempts at humour...
S.E.R: HahaHastute! ...But Uncle, they"ll know it's not me! Or they'll think I'm on crack cocaine!
M: Precisely. I want them to think all my money is going to go to a drug addict after my death. Not one Swiss franc will be used in a positive way. My next album is 100% Jesse "El CoYote PaSA" Tobias. There is nothing worth living anymore. I want them to FEEL MY PAIN.
S.E.R: They deserve that, Uncle.
M: ...Then, quite unexpectedly, when they've grovelled in tears in the dirt for hours and they are ready to give up on Life,...I shall announce the Return of Alain.
S.E.R: I don't get it, Uncle.
M: That's because to you I'm like a David Bowie song. But not a very good one. To you I'm "Jump they say."
S.E.R: What, Uncle, now?
M: No.When we're on the plane to Vegas.
S.E.R: I thought I was going to die from chickenpox.
M: That again! Buddy, stop believing everything you see on the internet!
S.E.R: They scare me, Uncle.
M: I know. I know. But we still want them back in 2022. Now they know they'll have to skip the next album, you'll have a few months' peace. They'll stop making fun of you, you'll see.
S.E.R: You're doing this to protect me!
M: Well that's what you'll tell Ariana Grande if she ever asks- Now, buddy, is your suitcase for Albania ready?

 

[Barking]

A thread that everybody stopped reading once they got their interview...
They think it's all over...
But it is now!

Altrincham Adventures/ part 2​

S.E.R: Uncle, you've been sitting in the garden for four days now. You sure you're O.K.?
M: I am perfectly allright, Nephew. I am simply trying to remember the name of this plant.
S.E.R: -That one there? That's easy, Uncle! It's a toolip.
M: A what?
S.E.R: A toolip.
M: ...No, I'm sure that's wrong. Say "Cool Whip"?
S.E.R: ToolHip?
M: Why do you put so much emphasis on the H?
S.E.R: Well Uncle: I've noticed foreigners often drop theirs, so I'm saying mine extra good, that way people won't think I'm one and I won't fall off the boat when we're in St Tropez.
M:I gather you mean you don't want to drown in the Mediterranean like a migrant. But that's not where we're going this summer, Sam, remember?
S.E.R.Yes. God it's hot Uncle, don't you fancy an ice-cream?
M: As a matter of fact I do.That's why you're leaving for Sicily in 18 minutes.You're to find a good vegan gelateria there. But make sure you're back before sunset, I can't have pudding after dark.
S.E.R: Uncle, can I show you something on Uncle Central?
M: What's that? Looks like... a retouched smug-looking boomer...is stopping a defenceless little old lady from ...exercising freedom of speech...Interesting. I can feel a song coming. He must be an off-duty policeman...
S.E.R: No, that man is you, Uncle.
M: Really? Fascinating. What's the internet's reaction?
S.E.R: "Looks like the bereaved gay misogyn has found a new hobby: disrespecting old widows."
M: That doesn't sound very flattering.
S.E.R: No, Uncle, the little old lady is the Queen, so it makes it all okay, don't worry!
M: Right! I was worried this might make me look like a bully with zero sense of timing but I trust my Mother's grandson with my life.
S.E.R:...Who's that, then?
M: Sam. That ice-cream is getting cold.
S.E.R: Oh right, sorry Uncle! I'm off. Wait- Can you hear? Somebody's chanting outside. "It's coming home", Uncle!
M. What's coming home? 30 years of hurt?
S.E.R: Whatever it is, Uncle, it doesn't sound very supportive...Bye bye!

 

[Deleted member 28251]

A thread that everybody stopped reading once they got their interview...
They think it's all over...
But it is now!

Altrincham Adventures/ part 2​

S.E.R: Uncle, you've been sitting in the garden for four days now. You sure you're O.K.?
M: I am perfectly allright, Nephew. I am simply trying to remember the name of this plant.
S.E.R: -That one there? That's easy, Uncle! It's a toolip.
M: A what?
S.E.R: A toolip.
M: ...No, I'm sure that's wrong. Say "Cool Whip"?
S.E.R: ToolHip?
M: Why do you put so much emphasis on the H?
S.E.R: Well Uncle: I've noticed foreigners often drop theirs, so I'm saying mine extra good, that way people won't think I'm one and I won't fall off the boat when we're in St Tropez.
M:I gather you mean you don't want to drown in the Mediterranean like a migrant. But that's not where we're going this summer, Sam, remember?
S.E.R.Yes. God it's hot Uncle, don't you fancy an ice-cream?
M: As a matter of fact I do.That's why you're leaving for Sicily in 18 minutes.You're to find a good vegan gelateria there. But make sure you're back before sunset, I can't have pudding after dark.
S.E.R: Uncle, can I show you something on Uncle Central?
M: What's that? Looks like... a retouched smug-looking boomer...is stopping a defenceless little old lady from ...exercising freedom of speech...Interesting. I can feel a song coming. He must be an off-duty policeman...
S.E.R: No, that man is you, Uncle.
M: Really? Fascinating. What's the internet's reaction?
S.E.R: "Looks like the bereaved gay misogyn has found a new hobby: disrespecting old widows."
M: That doesn't sound very flattering.
S.E.R: No, Uncle, the little old lady is the Queen, so it makes it all okay, don't worry!
M: Right! I was worried this might make me look like a bully with zero sense of timing but I trust my Mother's grandson with my life.
S.E.R:...Who's that, then?
M: Sam. That ice-cream is getting cold.
S.E.R: Oh right, sorry Uncle! I'm off. Wait- Can you hear? Somebody's chanting outside. "It's coming home", Uncle!
M. What's coming home? 30 years of hurt?
S.E.R: Whatever it is, Uncle, it doesn't sound very supportive...Bye bye!

That’s not bad at all. Good effort.

 

[Barking]

A desert road from Vegas to nowhere
Or is it from nowhere to Vegas?
Although it could also be from nowhere to nowhere...
Anyway, bang in the middle of it, there's no escaping

Altrincham Adventures/ part 3


​

S .E.R :IT’S COMING HOME ! IT’S COMING HOME, Aaaargh, WINTER is coming hOoOme !

M : Oh give it a rest won’t you ? It’s been weeks ! Pull yourself together, Nephew!

S.E.R : I can’t, Unc ! Did you see the headlines ? « It won’t be coming home until Monstrissey leaves » ! « Football in a Coma : How Moorrissey fcupped us all up » ! They’re ALL hostile !!

M : Californian tan, Swiss bank account : remind me again why I should care.

S.E.R : Well ... it’s not American basketball so I don’t really care either Uncle...but people in the country still look like they’ve lost a team of Busty Babes, so I thought it’d be good for us to look upset too.

M : If we can’t make a cancerous Porium t .shirt out of it, leave it alone.

S.E.R : Right, Uncle . Still : how could they know that we would lose?!?

M : They didn’t, Silly. It was just a lucky guess.

S.E.R : But they always seem to know more than we do ; it’s upsetting, Uncle!

M : But they don’t really Silly, now do they ? They just make an awful lot of predictions, so some of them are bound to be accurate; after all, they say a broken clock is right twice a day.

S.E.R : But, isn’t that amazaballzing, Sir? I mean, that a broken clock should be right once and again, FAIR ENOUGH, but TWICE A DAY !!!?? These clocks should play the lottery !

M : Doesn’t work like that ; it never works if it’s for personal gain; anyway, I don’t see why you’re so impressed, my cumpadre also said Italy would win and I’ve seen his crystal balls on many sweaty occasions in Rome.

S.E.R. About that, Uncle…

M : What.

S.E.R. Well as you know I pride myself on having the instinct of a decapitated mole, and, I feel ...Well I ...people are not fully on board with a Jesse album.

M : Go on. If you dare.

S.E.R. It’s just the ‘ternet again Sir .

M : Example.

S.E.R. « How did having a picture of his friendboss’s bikinied dead mother on an altar full of booze help him compose anything, that’s what I’d like to know.»

M : How could these luddites understand how inspiration works.

S.E.R : They also say « I defended him when people were having a vendetta, but it’s crystal clear now Jesse Gonzales is the naffest douche in the West. »

M : Which is precisely why I love him. How can they see the love in our -

S.E.R : So, I shouldn’t worry too much, then ? When they said they saw me dead in a ditch near Las Vegas ?

M : Who ?

S.E.R : Maybe they were being metanautical ?

M :......They couldn’t tell you that themselves, I’m afraid.Will that be all ?

S .E.R : Well, no, Sir, I saw something on a forum and I’ve no idea who it’s about. Perhaps you could help… ?

M : Read it.

S.E.R : « The nephew calling people non-entities made me laugh out loud. Without his uncle, the creep would be a basketball coach in Arsekrac, Arkansas, hiding in changing-room lockers to take illicit pictures of teenage female players. »

M : Well, that comment is obviously about Nicholas Cage.

S.E.R : What about that one, Uncle ? « Your nephew he doesn’t have the gift of the gab, he doesn’t have the gift of the jab, in fact he seems to have no gifts whatsoever. »

M: Poor Nick, getting it in the neck like that...Still, they watch all his new films…

S.E.R : It’s so unfair Uncle, when they’ve stopped listening to your new songs. Surely they can’t be worse.

M : They have done WHAT ??

S.E.R : Maybe they’ll listen to Alain, but even that seems uncertain…

M : Let me guess, an internobody has a complaint.

S.E.R : I don’t know, Uncle, is that a complaint ? « I like Alain. God knows why, the guy seems to be walking a tightrope between laid back dude who’s got beef with noone and needlessly ingratiating session muso. It’s a shame, he should be Musical Director by now. Although, if he acknowledges Taenia Doeswell, he probably has no ambition...And with Jesse in the way... » No mention of a ditch. Will Alain be okay in Vegas, Uncle ?

M : Why should I care ?

S.E.R: Some people on the internet say playing in Vegas this summer when the world around you is burning is as grossly inappropriate as firing a gun at 6.30 A.M on Ascension Day and will be punished.

M : Oh so they’ve seen the sad rich, then ?

S.E.R. Don’t know Uncle. It was probably just a boozing bumpkin.

M : Same thing. Anyway, about Vegas, do you think I want to go? There are times I just want to turn my collar up and kung-kick my own team of American airheads, but thankfully that’s just one percent of me, the rest wants what Céline wants. So onwards I go, like sheep to the slaughter. And the dogs. And Alain will do the same, like it or lump it.

S.E.R. Speaking of which, people have a complaint about Uncle Iggy.

M : HERE WE GO AGAIN!! THE OLD SEX WITH UNDERAGE GIRL HYSTERIA !!! FOR CHRIST’S SAKE ! IT WAS DIFFERENT IN THOSE DAYS !! DO YOU HEAR ME !! DIFFERENT ! NOBODY GAVE A DAMN IF FRANK SINATRA SLEPT WITH HIS OWN D-

S.E.R : Nnnno Uncle, it’s not that. Look, here it is : « I’ve just heard Iggy on the radio, duetting with an absolute nobody. It’s like somebody paid an 80’s star to sing at their daughter’s quinceañera. I’ve lost all respect. »

M : Big deal. I too sing with nobodies!

S.E.R : But it’s different Uncle, nobody hears you. By the way, I’ve always wondered, if nobody listens, are you still a singer ?

M : Of course I am, Silly. Singing is my thing like the Internet is yours. Oh dear I didn’t mean it like that. I need to relax with Mrs Bubblestick now. Go away.

S.E.R. : Oh no you can’t Sir, Uncle Damona has gone shopping for scented candles.

M : Samuel. Due to some absurd gay gangster code of honour, I am forbidden to bash your skull in. But it pains me to note I’m probably more on the wavelength of bespectacled single ladies in Singapore than on yours.

S.E.R : But that’s impossible Uncle ! Nobody understands you more than your own family ! Blood is thicker !

M : Yes, precisely. It’s unfortunately very very thick in this case.

 

[Barking]

Dim City! For your sins
it's time for

Altrincham "far from home" Adventures/ Part 4



​

S.E.R: Uncle?

M: Now what.

S.E.R: It’s Stephen King, on the internet, he says that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but what doesn’t happen in Vegas, also stays in Vegas, because Vegas is the place where all things go to die !

M: It’s not him, Silly. Similar name, different Horror Person.

S.E.R: But Uncle, is it TRUE ?

M: We’ll soon find out for ourselves, won’t we. Now, put down that laptop for a moment. We need to have The Talk.

S.E.R: Oh no, I’ve been dreading that moment!

M: You have? Wait- what do you think The Talk is about?

S.E.R: Decarbonizing, ain’t it ?

M: Are you insane ? The Talk is about my Legacy, Numpty !

S.E.R: Oh I’m so relieved Uncle, when people talk about the future of the planet I can’t keep my eyes open. I see why you might be worried about how I’m going to use your fortune when you’re dead, but lemme tell you, you won’t be disappointed.

M: Well no, I’ll just be dead.

S.E.R: And won’t that be a relief? Anyway, it’s all taken care of, Uncle. Rememeber my bro?

M: The one who can’t sing?

S.E.R : No, Unc, my REAL Bro, Victor. Victor Descarga. The Photoshop Phenomenon, as they call him on the dark web. You’ve met him.

M :No, no idea who that is; and I told you they all look the same to me, Latinos.

S.E.R:Well Victor and me

M : Victor and I. Use the Queen’s English when addressing me.

S.E.R : Sorry your Mozjesty, Uncle. So :Victor and I, we’ve decided that with your money, to honour your memory, we’re going to set up our own company.

M : I’m not dead yet.

S.E.R : As good as, Uncle. We’re serious businessmen now, we need to plan ahead.

M : It’s funny how confident you’ve become. Everybody has become more confident around me recently. I wonder why that is. They all look like they’re in charge, and I’m not anymore. Anyway. You were saying. So you want to start your own record company. Risky, but why not…Perhaps we could sign that Ukrainian singer nobody bothered googling when I mentioned her because people kept thinking of Stewie and his Eastern mail-order bride and couldn’t stop giggling...Yes, perhaps.

S.E.R : But Uncle, it’s not a record company we want !!

M : But what ELSE could you POSSIBLY desire, SILLY ?

S.E.R : We want to start our own... Christmas card company, Uncle !

M : Oh dear God.

S.E.R : Guess what we’re going to call it, Uncle !

M : Well since I’m financially involved, I suppose there will be some kind of tribute... « We wish you a Morrissey Christmas » or something ?

S.E.R : Oh no Uncle, that wouldn’t sell at all. No, it’s very clever, Uncle. We’re going to call it : « We wish you a Monroe Christmas » !!!

M : Why didn’t I think of it.

S.E.R : It’s a brand new concept, Uncle. Basically, we’re going to « find » pictures of Santa in all kinds of funny positions on the ‘net, erase his face and put Marilyn’s face in instead. It’s very technical Uncle; but it’s also Art.

M : I don’t doubt it.

S.E.R : ...And Victor will make sure it’s all done with good taste and that you can still see her titties and everything.

M : That’s good. You don’t want to risk being sued by Santa.

S.E.R. Exactly, Uncle. I remember Grandma used to say, « If you see anything you like, steal it, but when the police come, make sure you repeat what the doctor said about your head. » I bet she said the same to you, didn’t she ?

M : Not exactly. To me she said, « Genius steals, talent borrows, mediocrity shoplifts and gets caught by the Walmart out-of-breath security guy. »

S.E.R : Did she really say that or did you just read it on the internet, Sir ?

M : Does it matter ? It’s mine now. Speaking of cartoon characters, did we get an apologetic letter from the Simpsons yet ?

S.E.R : Not yet, Sir. But I know for a fact Santa ‘s little helper has made a list, and you’re on it.

M: And what kind of list is it ?

S.E.R : Don’t remember. Soooo Unc, you’re super relieved your money will be put to good use, aintcha? I bet you are.

M : Well...it won’t be used to lobby against plastic production... train park rangers to stop poachers in Africa...Or anything that would reassure people ?

S.E.R : Not a chance.

M : Will you even hire mentally ill people to help you make those cards ?

S.E.R : Uncle, of course we won’t ! It will just be Victor and I ! You’re only leaving me fifty mil, remember ? I can’t work miracles !!

M : To be fair, I don’t think anybody expects you to. Now, piss off. I need to warm my woice and watch the Vegas episode of « Cats of Sunset » to know where it all goes wrong.

 

[Barking]

Hurry while stocks last!!!

Altrincham "Home and Away! Cheaper each day!"Adventures/ part 5

​

S.E.R: VivOOOOs los ViejOOOS! VivOOOOS LOS VIEJOOOS ! VIVOOOOOOOS VIVOOOOOOOS LOS V

M: -I wish you would stop singing in languages you don’t understand, Nephew. These are not the proper lyrics. Show some respect.

S.E.R : Sorry Uncle, I’m just so happy your residency is a triumph !

M : You’re just happy you’re still alive. It’ s not a triumph. A lot of people didn’t even bother checking the videos.

S.E.R : But the MERCH, Uncle !! The merch is a TRI-UMPH !!

M : Yes, incidentally, which idiot is responsible for boasting about merch sales on my site?

S.E.R : I’m not sure, Uncle.

M : People are already saying stuff like "that would never have happened on Bowy-Central". It makes me look like a total loser, counting every penny in the street like some 5-year-old chimney sweeper. Give me the name of the git immediately.

S.E.R : It’s cents, Uncle ; and I think the idea came from you… ?

M: Impertinent liar !- Was I drunk ?

S.E.R : I don’t think so, Uncle, it was only your ninth Vegas Vomito. But you know how Americans are, they’re not like you and me, they take everything literal.

M: Oh well. I suppose I can’t fire them now, I’ve got nobody else. Have I ?

S.E.R : No. And the thing is, Uncle, all your men, they get on so well !

M : Yes I must say I’ve grown quite fond of these expendables. It’s true I feel very comfortable in an all-male environment. I like men so much I’m thinking of hiring a few of these taliban lads we see on the telly...

S.E.R: Are you sure, Uncle ? I’ve heard they really really don’t like music !!

M : « They don’t like music » ! « They don’t like music » ! How can they say they don’t like something they’ve never TRIED ! They’ve never heard MY MUSIC !!!!

S.E.R : So are you going to make them try gay sex as well, Sir ?

M : Well, if they spend all their energy whipping people in the streets, I’m willing to bet they’ll love being chased around the pool with a wet towel... You know how I love being silly when on tour.

S.E.R : I do.

M : So. Let’s be serious. Any political comment about me on the internet ?

S .E.R : Nooo... Unless… That one maybe... « It’s ironic that M seemed to sympathize with a movement of people that for the most part just wanted to put petrol in their cars when he makes his own fans waste gallons of the stuff by going on endless journeys to see his tired Vegass. And he’s such a menace to the environment he could start a forest fire with a fart anyway.»

M : Nonsense. Have they checked loyd Cole’s carbon footprint ?

S.E.R : « As far as a revolution is concerned, does his mother turning in her grave count ? Because that’s the only revolution that’s going to happen, when she realizes, with all-seeing hindsight, what a superfluous shit-stirring simpleton her son is. » OH UNCLE !

M : ...

S.E.R : And... «Just because M longs for a far-right government to be in charge somewhere instead of the usual dopes ! »

M : I’m not far-right ! I’m just far-fetched ! They KNOW that !

S.E.R : « Nobody would bother fetching M these days. »

M : Oh come on...Even if I was thrown very very far ?

S.E.R : « Nope. » Uncle...I see you’re a bit upset. How about listening to your favourite Vegas residents ? Forget about internobodies for a while...Put your feet up...Get a foot massage...Listen to these timeless beauties...Your peers, Uncle.

M : Yes, I suppose this could help. Go on then.

S.E.R:

M: JESUS!!- What happened to Frank?

S.E.R:- Hang on let me try another track


M: WHAT on EARTH...?!?

S.E.R: There's something wrong with that recording Uncle. Here, this should work fine:


M: Oh for Heaven's sake! Disappear before you find Elvis!!!

 

[Barking]

For our one appreciative/surprised reader...
The best thing since sliced bread!

Altrincham "Leaving Las Vegas "Adventures/ Part 5
​

S.E.R: Uncle! People on the Internet say I wasn’t even in Vegas !

M : Yes, I was wondering when you were going to notice that.

S.E.R : But Uncle, I thought I was! So who was I talking to, all that time?!

M: Well, me, but we were skyping.

S .E .R : But I don’t remember texting from a very high building, Uncle ! Oh God ! Have the Vaxxers erased my memory?! Am I losing my spermatozoon ?! WHERE IS THE ANTIDOTE !

M : Calm down. Remember how everybody thought you were driving me badly in Rome, when you were quietly playing with your Marylin dollies at home ? Well it’s kind of like that again. People just assume you’re everywhere you needn’t be.

S.E.R: So THAT’s why nothing horrendous happened ! I wasn’t nowhere near Las Vegas!!

M : Yes. I took Alain with me as lucky charm anyway. And that innocent man, Solomon. I knew with those two cherubs around, and a couple of folks nobody wanted to see hurt in the audience, my arse was covered.

S.E.R : Some people might call that cheating, Uncle.

M : Don’t care.

S.E.R : Maybe we just bought ourselves some time, like in the Final Destination franchise!

M : Maybe YOU did. It’s very clear I’m here to stay. By the way, I have to tell you you’ve disappointed quite a lot of people. Remember when you said you had a big announcement to make ? People thought you were going to announce your Retirement from the Internet, and they’d already opened the bubbly when you announced I had just recorded a new album. Even I felt let down. I don’t pay you to be anticlimatic.

S.E.R : I told you climate wasn’t my forte ! Look at that Uncle ! A drought here ! A tornado there! Flowers to the left of us ! Floods to the right! I can’t follow any of this! All I ever wanted was to count walking t-shirts, and be happy, like my homey J.J ! And eat for free!

M: Well you do that most of the time.

S.E .R : Uncle, I cook, too ! I’m very good at vegan cupcakes.

M : You are ?

S.E.R : Oh yes ; here’s how you make them : you take a piece of vegan burrito. You add a dollop of guac on top and voilà ! Bueno, Pepito !

M : Pleased don’t speak Italian. And where did you get that recipe from, Samosa ?
"Ratatouille" ?

S.E.R : Oh no Uncle ! Mum never let me watch that film. She says it’s too full of feminists…But no, Uncle, I don’t think that’s why people were disappointed. It’s just...When I said « big announcement », they knew it was unrealistic to hope I would go away, so they concluded you were finally going to tie the knot.

M : Side-splitting. Where did they get that loony idea from ?

S.E.R : I think they were inspired by the gay episode of « Say I Do », Uncle.

M : Jesus. First « Cats of Sunset », now that…And I thought my fans were intellectuals...

S.E.R : It’s about these two guys, they’re too ashamed to hold hands in public so they go to this cabaret, the small gay Asian tailor tells everybody how his ma and da won’t let him have a wedding, the gay Italian cook cries ...And that’s how the two guys decide to get married.

M : Idiots. Do they at least get a pre-nup ?

S.E.R : What’s « internalized homophobia », Uncle ?

M : Nothing you or I have, I assure you. And who was I supposed to be knotted with? I don’t even tie Donnie Knutsack. Although I have a feeling he’d like me to.

S.E.R : Oh no, people on the internet don’t think it’s him. They know for sure you don’t date gnomes.

M : That’s true. I’ve dated everything...Super Mario...Tom of Finland...I even watched strip-teasers with the daughter of a Meow-fficial…But...

S.E.R : But one has to draw the line somewhere, Uncle. You’re not Simone de Beaver.

M : Who ?

S.E.R : You know, the foreign lesbian, with the small deformed boyfriend with the Coke-bottles glasses...How can people be so ugly, Uncle ? How can they even live !

M:It’s a question of genes. And lighting.

S.E.R : So true, Uncle. As a good-looking photographer, I know this. But, we can wonder if, for less fortunate, more ordinary people, beauty lasts forever. I came across this testimony on the ‘net...Here : « For a few months in my twenties my weight was normal, I had some muscles, a healthy-ish skin, every morning I’d look at myself in the mirror and exclaim, Amagad! I’m gorgeous !! ...I really thought then somebody was going to propose, but all that happened was, people stopped crossing themselves when they saw me. »

M : Cute story. Anyway. I’m not marrying anybody, and that’s final.

S.E.R : I don’t think people truly believed you would, Uncle. See this example on the hitched-or-ditched.com forum : « M ? Getting married ? Rofl ! All he wants is someone to look after him, someone he wouldn’t have to pay attention to ! A personal assistant, not a person ! »

M : It’s true. If the cat could make a decent cup of tea, I wouldn’t have to have a live-in man. But I suspect he pisses in it.

S.E.R : It’s great how you don’t need anybody, but everybody needs you, Uncle.

M : Well surely not EVERYbody…

S.E.R : Even when you treat people like garbage, they come back crawling. I so want to be like you when I grow up !

M : Well first, sonny, I never treat people like garbage. I ask my guitarist to treat them like garbage. Or I ask an employee to leave a note on a windscreen while I put on a martyr’s face. I never get personally involved. Second, never underestimate the power of the dollar bill.

S.E.R : Life just seems so simple when you explain it, Uncle. I could listen to you all day.

M : I’d love you to do that, but I’ve got to get drunk and photographed badly with Martino for an insta op.

S.E.R : Maurice ? The guy who makes waves ?

M: Martino, not Martenot. And how on earth have you heard of that man ?!

S.E.R : I’ve just read his name on the internet, like everybody else.

M : Oh. Of course. Not, not Maurice. Alison.

S.E.R : People won’t know who that is, Uncle. You’d impress them more if you posed with Alyssa Milano.

M : Who that. Is she the daughter of a kaput crooner ?

S.E.R : No...

M : Is she far-right ?

S.E.R : No, Uncle, but she’s a babe.

M : What do you know about women. If I want a babe, I’ve got Anne-Marie. Talking about females, ask Jesse if he’s finished his anti-abortion hymn. I want to play it in Chicago.

S.E.R : Are you going to ask Kristeen to do backing vocals on this one, Uncle ?

M : Yes. I don’t see how she could refuse. What do people say about her returning ?

S.E.R : Not much...Oh yes, there’s this : « Kristeen forgives. God forgives. I don’t. »

M: In that order ? They don’t half fancy themselves, do they ? Any other mood worth sharing ?

S.E.R : Well, people really can’t believe I’m a Virgo.

M : Ha Ha Ha-strological Hihilarity. Well I can’t very well change your sign because they think it’s wrong, can I ?

S.E.R : No, go ahead, Uncle, I really don’t mind...

M : Ah Sammy... If only people who criticize you knew what a sweet, compliant young man you are... Whooza good boy ??!

S.E.R : Er...Er... No, sorry, I really really don’t know the answer to that one, Uncle.

 

[Barking]

A Phantom Thread...

You can’t kill a vegan with an omelette, but magic mushrooms are buried in the dullest places for future, hopefully more clever, generations to wonder at…

Yes!! Welcome ! 2071 reader ! to

Altrincham Advent Adventures /part 6​

At the tea-ater (as the Oirish say)

M : Damona ! Put down that phone and watch the show !!
D : Wha, that old hag ? HA. I’m not THAT gay !
S.E.R : Uncle ! Uncle ! Uncle Damona is on Grindr again !
M: Don’t be silly, Samsung. He wouldn’t do that standing right behind me. He’s just checking that wretched site for new posts by Melanin Nun.
S.E.R : FOMO, Uncle ?
M: Well, of course he is, but if you want to discuss people’s s.e.x.u.a.l.i.t.y, it’ll have to wait until we’re back in the privacy of our own home.



(later in the evening, at home)



M : So, what was it you wanted to ask about your aunt Damona ?
S.E.R : Me ? Nothing, Uncle. I was just commenting about his addiction to this website.
M : What website ?
S.E.R : Look, there are pictures of our evening out already... Oh, very positive comments about Uncle D. there !
M: Such as ?
S.E.R : « Hey, guys ! First pic of Damon actually looking down !For once he doesn’t look like something straight outta Meerkat Manor ! You know, constantly on HAHA ALERT ! HahAhohrofl. »
M : I don’t understand anything you’re saying. Are people commenting on my picture ?
S.E.R : No, Uncle.
M:Why is that, Nephew ?? I demand an explanation !
S.E.R : I think it’s just they’re used to see you looking like shit (Sir), it doesn’t faze them anymore.
M : Shit?????ME ???!!!!
S.E.R :..Sorry Uncle, but since that drunken cocktail picture with that Aloysius Martinez lady, nothing seems to shock them..For a while, they thought you were auditioning for the part of that creature in «Lord of the Rings »…You know the one... Here, watch this film extract:
(...)
M : Good Lord. That bad?
S.E.R : It was scary,Uncle. You had the exact same smile. Maybe you should stop smiling (Sir). I don’t think it’s good for business.
M : I don’t have a business anymore anyway.
S.E.R : ...Luckily, people on the internet have an even stronger candidate for Gollum in reality, so you’re not the ugliest bugger around yet (Sir). Look, I’ve got a picture of an even worse-looking dude:
(...)
M: - Heavens ! The unfortunate creature !! Who is he ?!
S: A new foreign politician, apparently.
M : Is he any good ?
S.E.R : No idea, people on the internet say that whenever he’s on t.v, he’s so effin ugly they have to rush out of the room to puke, so they’ve never heard him. He's always a toilet too far. You’d probably like him.
M : He does make Aznavour look like Mr Universe... Which he was... To me…
S.E.R : He’s so bad-looking, people on the internet are asking if you want them to vote for him.
M : I don’t follow.
S.E.R : It’s logical, Uncle. You asked people to vote for Anne-Marie, right ?
M : Right ?
S.E.R : Well, so they think you want them to vote for people who are not good-looking.
M: But Anne-Marie IS good-looking !
S.E.R : Not everyone on the internet seems to agree, Uncle. Quote : « Anne-Marie Whatshers ? That chick looks like the back end of Nigel Farage’s bus…
M : -The beasts !! !
S.E.R : ...if a drunk singing boomer was at the wheel and had just reversed into a HUUUUge brick wall. » End quote.
M : Unquote. I’M FUN TO COCKTAIL WITH !
S.E.R : I told you you should take out your fans more often. Sir.
M : Oh I’ll take them out allright !!!
S.E.R : ...For a drink, Uncle. A Meet and Drink. It’d be profitable, too. We could charge them, say, 780 dollars for a 2 minute Babycham and Burp.
M : Would I have to sign anything ?
S.E.R : I don’t think you can sign your burps, Sir .
M : I could any other singer’s burps ?
S.E.R: You could, and maybe you have, but in that instance, Uncle, you wouldn’t have to sign anything. Just turn up, take a sip, pocket the cash, split. 2 minutes per fan tops.
M : 2 very long Mexican minutes. Oh, okay. Let’s do it now. Check if the Pox and Peasant is available.
S.E.R : But, Uncle, it’s James Blunt’s pub ?
M : Well yes, he’s still popular, isn’t he ? I’m a bit out of the Pop loop...
S.E.R : No idea, Uncle...I’m an Ed Shiraz guy myself.
M : ...Cuz as you know, Nephew, I’m well into Rap, now.
S.E.R : Right. Look Uncle, maybe we can talk shop later after all...
M : As you wish. But money doesn’t grow on Christmas trees !!!

(tbc)


: footnote: the author would like to apologize to Dame Joan Collins, for having only a very vague idea who she is anyway, on account of watching Dallas, whereas they know very well who Liz Taylor was, she was the one who was mates with paedos.

 

[Barking]

...The mods are turning a blind eye ...
...And they can't say anything because we're strictly on topic...

Yes, "what, so soon?", it's

Altrincham Advent Adventures /7 part deux
​

(Cocktail time at the Rat and Rottweiler, in Hackney...)



M : ...Still, shame the Pox and Peasant wasn’t available.

S.E.R : Yes. That’s what they told me anyway. This isn’t bad, though, is it Unc?

M : Well, if you don’t mind the smell...

S .E.R : What smell ?

M : Well there’s obviously a rodent drowning in a pint somewhere. I’m surprised you can’t smell it. I hope it’s not a symptom of... you-know-what (taps nose)

S.E.R : THE IMAGINARY ILLNESS, SIR ?

(everybody in the pub stops drinking, even the landlord)

M :...Anyway, I’m not taking any chances. I’ve brought my own bottle. What time is the first sucker due ?

S.E.R : Your first fan is scheduled for 6 P.M., Uncle.

M : Good, it’s only 11.08, plenty of time to chew the rat then. What’s the latest gossip ?

S.E.R : About you, Uncle ?

M : No, about the Queen’s chiropractor.

S.E.R : I don’t have any recent info about dinos, Uncle. But you know, it’s pretty quiet these days...Nobody goes out much...

M : About me, then. Anything ? Anything at all.

S.E.R : Not really, it’s mostly people commenting on old candid shots…

M : Of me and Aunt Bridget with the Polish sailors in Liverpool ?

S.E.R : No, more recent. You out and about, you know… Like this one…

M : Yes, that’s me and Damona’s back. That evening with Alicia Martini. Again. I remember perfectly. Don’t see what they could say about that one, it’s a perfectly normal picture.

S.E.R : They say you look naughty, Uncle.

M : Rubbish.

S.E.R : They say you two look like you’re part of a peado ring, Uncle. Like you’ve dissolved a teenage boy in your suite seconds before Consuela knocks to clean the bathroom. You know, half worried, half relieved.

M : Of course. And I dress as a clown and kidnap young boys at weekends.

S.E.R : Like the guy who inspired « It ».

M : Inspired what ?

S.E.R : « It », Uncle.

M : But what.

S.E.R : He inspired « It », Uncle, that’s just it !

M : It’s just what.

S.E.R : This conversation is going nowhere.

M : It’s not a conversation, it’s an interview, and I hope you’re recording, you joke of a journo. So, anyway, what do you think ? Look at me. Does Gucci make clown costumes ?

S.E.R : What ? I don’t know, Uncle. But I can find out, if you like. Shall I call them now ?

M : You shall not.

S.E.R : OK.

M : I can’t quite believe people see me this way.

S.E.R : People see you in lots of ways you wouldn’t believe, Sir.

M : I mean, just because Johnny Depp was once my neighbour, doesn’t mean I’m a weirdo.

S.E.R : ‘Course not Uncle.

M : Just because we used to meet in his cellar every Saturday at 4.47 A.M. to discuss serial killers doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us.

S.E.R : Who would dare to suggest such a thing, Uncle ?

M : There’s always someone. Always.

S.E.R : But a lot of people say nice, positive things about you, too, Uncle !

M : They don’t.

S.E.R : They do ! Listen : « I’m surprised M hasn’t gone Bates-shit crazy. I really thought he was going to run off and buy a motel somewhere. Looks like he’s just sticking to getting shit-faced in 5-star hotels. He’s coping better than I thought he would. I wouldn’t have bet my shower cap on it. »

M : That’s supposed to make me feel good, is it ?

S.E.R : It’s all I have, Uncle.

M : Really.

S.E.R : We can talk about your career if you want ?

M : Do people on the internet still talk about my career ?

S.E.R : Oh yeah. It’s here somewhere...Here : « I’ve heard M has Madonna’s manager now ;... does that make him desperate homohood ? » Er- Wait. What. What’s that about, Uncle ?

M : Something stupid. Way before your time.

S.E.R : Aunt Nancy ?

M : For the umpteenth time, Nephew, just because people in Croatia say Nance is your aunt, doesn’t mean she really IS your aunt, and yes, she had a sex-mad grandma phase once, but it’s OVER now. HOPEFULLY. Leave Nancy out of this. It’s strictly between me and Madonna. Next question.

S.E.R : You have a thing for old ladies, don’t you Uncle ?





(tbc)

 

[Barking]

HOHOHO's before ho's! as Jesse T. would say; yes y'all (you and you) it's still baby Jeezus's birthday... So outta respect, we'll make this one short, with no explicit lyrics of any kind.
Like a rap song by Elton John, it's

Altrincham "they do know it's Christmas" Adventures/7 parte tres


​

M : ...Who put the M in menopause ?

S.E.R : ...What was that, Uncle ?

M : I was answering your question.

S.E.R : But Uncle, I last asked you a question twenty days ago !

M : So ? I had a little nap. Big deal. Did I miss anything ?

S.E.R : Not really. Your fans didn’t even turn up...

M : How come ?!

S.E.R : No idea, Uncle .

M : You’re lying. I know you’re lying, Nephew. Your nose is bleeding.

S.E.R : It’s not blood, Uncle, it’s mince pie !

M : What are you reading on your phone ? Give it here ! (…) « I was due to meet M at a fancy pub tonight but when I saw the picture he posted on Sammy Central I said, hell no, I won’t go !» -What picture are they talking about ? What have you done ?!

S.E.R : It’s nothing, Uncle. Victor finished the Christmas cards earlier than expected, so he made you this…

M : Christ on a bike.

S.E.R : No, he’s not in there, Uncle, but all your friends are.

M : ...« I see the two females at the back have been conveniently erased by the Photoshop fénomeno. That’s another fookin tour de farce under el bicho raro’s belt.»

S.E.R : -Yes, Victor thought it looked cleaner that way.

M : « Caramba, why is M stuck with the creepiest cabrones and los stupidest sexistas, when he could have all the Fluffies he wants, I’m done following eso fracasado.» Oy vey. That’s it. I think I’m losing my Good Teeth.

S.E.R : What does it matter if you lose a few latinas, Uncle ? We still haven’t tapped into the Chinese market !

M: No. I still think my future lies in young black men. And Rap.

S.E.R : You might be right, Uncle. No more touchy female fans of any colour !

M : Well it’s just Anne Marie really. And she doesn’t know all the songs.

S.E.R : We might have to work a bit on your image... Otherwise, young black men might be confused. I think we should go for Super Straight Old Whitey. Think Eminem’s uncle, Uncle. Lose yourself in the moment !

M : I already do that, I can’t remember what I had for lunch.

S.E.R : ...We just have to pray your new audience doesn’t read the comments about your sexuality on that vile site...

M : Oh, honestly, I’ve heard it all, how bad can it be ?

S.E.R : « M ? He’s as bent as a bent doggy’s ear, but the funny thing is, when it comes to virtual reality, he stops being so gay... »

M : I never ! How very dare-

S.E.R : « ...In fact, one might say he’s been almost exclusively hetrollsexual for years... »

M : LIBELLOUS !!! I leave anonymous notes on Gary Manlylov’s Instagram thingy ! I do ! ALL THE TIME !! ASK them !

S.E.R : It’s okay Uncle. Me and Victor will figure out a way to make you look like a proper rapper. Just make sure Uncle Damona walks fifty miles behind you at all times. Or make him wear a wig. Fake boobs. And cement his butt.

M : I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT DOING THAT !

S.E.R : And most important of all, never EVER answer indiscreet questions on the internet. Like, « Hey M, did you knows you woz gay before your mum showed you a picture of Osky and Bosey getting cosy ? Or after ? » Don’t answer that one.

M : As if I could.

S.E.R : There’s a lot of psychobauble around at Christmas, Uncle, you mustn’t let it trouble you.

M : People on the internet say Damona is a metrosexual ! But he wouldn’t cheat on me in public transport !!



S.E.R : Er…They don’t mean he hits on people in the Tube, Uncle. Do they ?

M : But they can’t say they’ve seen public transports ! Of affection or anything !

S.E.R : That they can’t, Sir ; but whatever you do, P.O.T.I thinks you’re bizarre anyway. Walking through airports, surfing the ‘net, having a drink : you’re always, always bizarre.

M : Well I’m getting fed up with that Poti. An Indian name, I suppose ? What’s the surname ? Patel ? Contact Anne-Marie and her squad right now, find their address and go break their legs.

S.E.R : Anne Marie doesn’t have a squad, Uncle, she just has a great-aunt in county Mayo. And Poti is just an abbreviation, it’s nobody in particular.

M : Yeah right. Well they’d better shut that potty mouth of theirs. Or I will find them. And I’ll come with a bar of soap.

S.E.R : No you won’t. Unless you go to prison.

M : What’s that ?

S.E.R ; Nothing, Sir. People are putting words in my mouth, Uncle !I don’t understand half of what I’m saying half the time !

M : Wait a minute : is Poti a code name for several presidents ?

S.E.R : What ? No !

M : Like, Presidents Of The Internet ? How many presidents does the Internet have ?

S.E.R : But Uncle ! The Internet is a free country ! You can say anything you like ! Otherwise, I’d be in jail right now, with all the super sensitive stuff I post on Sammy Central !!! They wouldn’t let me live, Uncle ! I’m a menace 2 society !

M : Yes. I don’t think people realize that enough. Remind them.

 

[Barking]

Good Barking Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Steeeeephen
The heat was in the very sod
...Decided to wait a bit.

Altrincham rub-a-dub Adventures/ part 8 (proggress!)


​

S.E.R : Uncle ? The Internet says you’d evidently have problems conjouring up a dictionary from your arse. Why is Poti doubting you like this ? All of a sudden ?

M : Because it was bait, and they took it, the spelling nazis !

S.E.R : What about a cute little bunny ? Oh, by the way, this reminds me, we did get a Christmas card from Santa’s Little Helper this year.

M : What does it say ?

S.E.R : « Satire ? HA ! You wouldn’t know satire if it bit you in the arse ! And it’s not going to anyway, because it’s HAIRY ! Merry Xmarse my arse ! »

M: Charming, as always...

S.E.R : That old picture of your behind is still creating a lot of confusion, Sir.

M : I know. I’m too scandalous for these puritanical times. It’s my cross, Nephew.

S.E.R : It’s not that Uncle, people just assume you and your then boyfriend took a picture of a random bum’s bum.Not one of yours.

M : Oh . I see. Did we at least remunerate him with half a stale sandwich ?

S.E.R : No Sir, people just reckon you threw him in the canal.

M : Nice.

S.E.R : I think people just generally associate you with bad guys, Uncle . And I mean, you can’t really blame them, when you’re friends with that boy, George, who chains Santa to his chimney while hit-

M : -Yes, thank you. No need to develop. Have people looked at my new songs yet ? The year is almost over...

S.E.R. Well yes they looked

M : They took their time !

S.E.R :...at one of them, because it had an intriguing title.

M : Yes, that’s why I put so much thought into my titles, Nephew. It’s bait. Like Marmite for curious kittens. Old singer trick. Never fails.

S.E.R : It’s not one of yours, Uncle, Poti just had a look-see at « Lady Willpower », because they thought the title looked promising.

M : And ? Did they like it ?

S.E.R : « I had a look-see at the lyrics because the title looked promising, and boy, I wasn’t disappointed. It’s not often you come across something so hilariously patronizing. Heard Harvey W. played that one to Salma Hayek once in a sauna. Instant hit. »

M : I have no idea why so many people want to kick the Puckett. I thought it was sexy. Could it be I was... mistaken ?

S.E.R : You couldn’t be that you tried Uncle. You’re always right.

M : Don’t say far right.

S.E.R : I won’t. So anyway, people ask if after that one you plan to cover « Under my thumb ». As part of a « who put the m in misogyny » compilation for boomers on the pull, maybe.

M : Depends. Do they like Mick Jagger enough to spend money ?

S.E.R. I don’t think they do, Uncle.

M : Why is that. I’m dying to hear. Too successful ?

S.E.R : Let’s see...« Put it that way, if your partner commits suicide, chances are you are NOT a very nice dude and you probably should die as well. »

M:Oh, so he lives too long.

S.E.R : « They say he has Peter Pan syndrome, he probably has bedpan syndrome too by now, hahaha ! »

M : Yes. I’m peeing my pants.

S.E.R : Oh nonono please no, wait, Uncle, I don’t think I’m ready for that !! I haven’t brought anything with me !

M : Are you saying I can’t change ? Oh wait. I think I said that myself first. Damn foresight...

 

[Barking]

Reader!!! The mods have finally had enough! and maybe so have you!
Looks like More is Less after all...

So now, we're something they've always said to Jesse we were: OFF TOPIC.

And after all these years, we've finally created our own thread, even if it wozn't really us, because we never had an idea for one.

Next chapter as soon as it rains again. ☔​

 

[Vegan Cro Spirit .444]

talking as if he had an extended audience
CRINGE

 

[Barking]

(and remember, if attention-seeking dullards now venture into this thread, it's because it's been made a thread and is no longer a simple ALERT!)

 

[nicky wire's legs]

i have no idea what any of this is, but you're good at writing dialogue

 

[Barking]

There's a rumour in Croatia that the Cringe almost stole Christmas...
Will the Cringe try to steal New Year's Eve, too?
Nobody knows. Meanwhile, fancy a nibble?

Altrincham "win yourself a cheap tray " Adventures/ part 9

​

S.E.R : Uncle ! Look how still relevant you are ! A pic of Miley wearing a best of t.shirt ! ...Ah no, it’s gone already.

M : Looks like she spotted a stalker who was going to put it on his site, and changed her mind.

S.E.R : 4 real ? That’s a shame Uncle, I was going to put it on my site.

M : Yes...Listen, Sam. There’s something important I need to tell you.

S.E.R : ...Are you dying, Uncle ?

M : I do every time you post something. But this is not what it’s about. I’ve recently realized something crucial. It took me about 30 years, so I want to pass that knowledge on to you, to save you time.

S.E.R : I guess I’m honoured, Uncle ? But ...Why me?

M : I fear otherwise you might not have enough time in your lifetime, what with being dropped on your head as a baby.

S.E.R : I don’t remember that. Cool.Was I wearing my cap, Uncle ?

M : Look, it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t even want to touch you, but they insisted. Anyway. You’re my heir, and sort of my responsibility, and there are things you should know. So : look : you know when people take the piss day in, day out, even on bank holidays, and it makes you feel special, and warm, and fuzzy ?

S.E.R : Yes, Uncle, I love that feeling ! Makes me post even more ! Not that I need a reason, of course.

M : Well, that feeling, Samuel, I’m sorry to say, is an illusion.

S.E.R : Don’t say things like that, Uncle, you’ll clip the wings of an angel if you’re not careful!!!

M : I’m afraid I have to, little one. Don’t think for a second I’m enjoying dashing your hopes, but the evidence is irrefutable. You see, son, for decades, I was like you. My innocent heart thought that if people incessantly mocked me, it was because they were too shy to say how they really felt about me.

S.E.R : And how did they really feel, Uncle ?

M : Well as far as I can tell, their feelings ranged from hearty despise to annoyed indifference. The peak was misguided commiseration, like the one old ladies feel towards mangy cats with A.I.D.S on Valentine’s day. Oh, and there was genuine amusement, of course. Yes. There was that.

S.E.R : Poor you ! Oh yes, that’s awful, Uncle ! Still, that would never happen to me.

M : And why is that?

S.E.R : You know!! I’m handsome! So anyway, what does it take for someone like you to be liked?

M : Well apparently, it takes a lot more.

S.E.R : A lot more than what ?

M : Than a nephew, for a start. People seem to have relatives of their own, and they’re not terribly impressed by them, so the relatives of someone they’re already not impressed with are unlikely to, ...anyway, you know.

S.E.R : No, but, you know what I think your problem is, dude ? I think people don’t think of you as a nice guy. Would you like me to give you an example ?

M : Would you like me to give you a black eye ?

S.E.R : For example, people now know you wouldn’t feed a starving kid.

M : I didn’t say that. I just said I was never given any free food.

S.E.R. But you wouldn’t, would you. But people could argue you were fed for free when you were a kid. You didn’t have to stick labels on jars of polish, or anything like that.

M. No, the Poles arrived later in the neighbourhood, and God knows we could have done without them, they stole our best potatoes.

S.E.R : But people might say it doesn’t look your mum ever refused you the money for the chippy.

M : Mum never gave me money for the chippy. Once, I asked for some, she gave me a typewriter instead. I tried to eat it. Where do you think I got such shitty gnashers from. So yes, young man, I know what going hungry means, thank you very much !

S.E.R : Other people chip teeth all the time, Uncle🪥. Doesn’t mean they don’t want to share their food.

M : They would share their favourite food with me ?

S.E.R : Maybe not you, but with me, I think they would. If I was poor. And hungry. That’s what they don’t understand, Uncle. They say they don’t see how you can begrudge babies a few hot meals when you yourself feed a lot of overgrown parasites.

M : What is this ? Live aid ?

S.E.R : When you behave like this, people jump to conclusions. I’ve seen someone on the internet ask how many people our family evicted from their lands during the Great Famine.

M : That’s none of their business. Besides, it's a long way.

S.E.R : They say it speaks to them on a personal level because they had ancestors who worked on lands they didn’t own and if that had happened to them they would make the landowners’ descendants very, very sorry they were born indeed.

M : Sorry who was born ?

S.E.R : Anyway they conclude by saying they always could tell you weren’t interested in feeding the world, or making it a better place, because you never started a vegetarian fast-food chain with your mate Chrissie, which was what any rich vegetarian sensible singer would have done before dying, instead of opening a restaurant in a shithole in Ohio.

M : I never did that !

S.E.R : And so it’s useless to pretend you care about the impact of cattle farming on the environment, because you could have pulled your weight, and you didn’t and you’re full of shit and that’s the main reason why they don’t like you.

M : Well they can keep talking about me as if I was a constipated lazy ox, I don’t care.

S.E.R : Not being liked isn’t important after all, is it Uncle.

M: No. Indeed. What’s important, son, is that dead black singers know you miss them.

S.E.R : Like Dee Dee Warwick, Uncle ?

M : Did Poti put that name in your head ?

S.E.R : No, I think Nippy did.

M : Well I’m sure that Nippy got money for the chippy. Unlike some people.






🪥 two so far.

 

[Vegan Cro Spirit .444]

There's a rumour in Croatia that the Cringe almost stole Christmas...
Will the Cringe try to steal New Year's Eve, too?
Nobody knows. Meanwhile, fancy a nibble?

Altrincham "win yourself a cheap tray " Adventures/ part 9

​

S.E.R : Uncle ! Look how still relevant you are ! A pic of Miley wearing a best of t.shirt ! ...Ah no, it’s gone already.

Uncle! look how relevant you are. Oi

M : Looks like she spotted a stalker who was going to put it on his site, and changed her mind.

S.E.R : 4 real ? That’s a shame Uncle, I was going to put it on my site.

M : Yes...Listen, Sam. There’s something important I need to tell you.

S.E.R : ...Are you dying, Uncle ?

M : I do every time you post something. But this is not what it’s about. I’ve recently realized something crucial. It took me about 30 years, so I want to pass that knowledge on to you, to save you time.

' I die every time you post something'

S.E.R : I guess I’m honoured, Uncle ? But ...Why me?

M : I fear otherwise you might not have enough time in your lifetime, what with being dropped on your head as a baby.

S.E.R : I don’t remember that. Cool.Was I wearing my cap, Uncle ?

M : Look, it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t even want to touch you, but they insisted. Anyway. You’re my heir, and sort of my responsibility, and there are things you should know. So : look : you know when people take the piss day in, day out, even on bank holidays, and it makes you feel special, and warm, and fuzzy ?

S.E.R : Yes, Uncle, I love that feeling ! Makes me post even more ! Not that I need a reason, of course.

M : Well, that feeling, Samuel, I’m sorry to say, is an illusion.

"Samuel do you that warm and fuzzy feeling"

S.E.R : Don’t say things like that, Uncle, you’ll clip the wings of an angel if you’re not careful!!!

M : I’m afraid I have to, little one. Don’t think for a second I’m enjoying dashing your hopes, but the evidence is irrefutable. You see, son, for decades, I was like you. My innocent heart thought that if people incessantly mocked me, it was because they were too shy to say how they really felt about me.

S.E.R : And how did they really feel, Uncle ?

M : Well as far as I can tell, their feelings ranged from hearty despise to annoyed indifference. The peak was misguided commiseration, like the one old ladies feel towards mangy cats with A.I.D.S on Valentine’s day. Oh, and there was genuine amusement, of course. Yes. There was that.

S.E.R : Poor you ! Oh yes, that’s awful, Uncle ! Still, that would never happen to me.

M : And why is that?

S.E.R : You know!! I’m handsome! So anyway, what does it take for someone like you to be liked?

M : Well apparently, it takes a lot more.

S.E.R : A lot more than what ?

M : Than a nephew, for a start. People seem to have relatives of their own, and they’re not terribly impressed by them, so the relatives of someone they’re already not impressed with are unlikely to, ...anyway, you know.

S.E.R : No, but, you know what I think your problem is, dude ? I think people don’t think of you as a nice guy. Would you like me to give you an example ?

M : Would you like me to give you a black eye ?

S.E.R : For example, people now know you wouldn’t feed a starving kid.

M : I didn’t say that. I just said I was never given any free food.

S.E.R. But you wouldn’t, would you. But people could argue you were fed for free when you were a kid. You didn’t have to stick labels on jars of polish, or anything like that.

M. No, the Poles arrived later in the neighbourhood, and God knows we could have done without them, they stole our best potatoes.

S.E.R : But people might say it doesn’t look your mum ever refused you the money for the chippy.

M : Mum never gave me money for the chippy. Once, I asked for some, she gave me a typewriter instead. I tried to eat it. Where do you think I got such shitty gnashers from. So yes, young man, I know what going hungry means, thank you very much !

'chippy'
😐

S.E.R : Other people chip teeth all the time, Uncle🪥. Doesn’t mean they don’t want to share their food.

M : They would share their favourite food with me ?

S.E.R : Maybe not you, but with me, I think they would. If I was poor. And hungry. That’s what they don’t understand, Uncle. They say they don’t see how you can begrudge babies a few hot meals when you yourself feed a lot of overgrown parasites.

M : What is this ? Live aid ?

S.E.R : When you behave like this, people jump to conclusions. I’ve seen someone on the internet ask how many people our family evicted from their lands during the Great Famine.

M : That’s none of their business. Besides, it's a long way.

S.E.R : They say it speaks to them on a personal level because they had ancestors who worked on lands they didn’t own and if that had happened to them they would make the landowners’ descendants very, very sorry they were born indeed.

M : Sorry who was born ?

S.E.R : Anyway they conclude by saying they always could tell you weren’t interested in feeding the world, or making it a better place, because you never started a vegetarian fast-food chain with your mate Chrissie, which was what any rich vegetarian sensible singer would have done before dying, instead of opening a restaurant in a shithole in Ohio.

M : I never did that !

S.E.R : And so it’s useless to pretend you care about the impact of cattle farming on the environment, because you could have pulled your weight, and you didn’t and you’re full of shit and that’s the main reason why they don’t like you.

M : Well they can keep talking about me as if I was a constipated lazy ox, I don’t care.

S.E.R : Not being liked isn’t important after all, is it Uncle.

M: No. Indeed. What’s important, son, is that dead black singers know you miss them.

S.E.R : Like Dee Dee Warwick, Uncle ?

M : Did Poti put that name in your head ?

S.E.R : No, I think Nippy did.

M : Well I’m sure that Nippy got money for the chippy. Unlike some people.






🪥 two so far.

😬

funnier than Limmy

 

[Barking]

The boxing Day hunt is over...Or is it?

Altrincham "sikh down to my heart" Adventures/part 10

​

M : ...But enough about me : for a minute : tell me, how’s work.

S.E.R : How is what ?

M : Work. W.O.R.K. Sam : is it fair to call you a photographer ?

S.E.R : Er. Y-Yes.

M : Ha ha ha ! No it’s not ! It’s not fair to photographers ! No, I meant, that thing you do, whatever it’s called. People say it’s not improving ? It’s true you have zero talent, but, good grief, your models aren’t helping. Look at that. No self-respecting cat would drag these in a photographer’s studio. Haven’t you noticed how bland their faces are ?

S.E.R : I got distracted, Uncle.

M : Yet the streets are packed with people worth photographing. I have seen bag ladies with more charm.

S.E.R : I tried hiring a bag lady, Uncle, but she wouldn’t take my money, she just called me a perv and pepper-sprayed me.

M : « Holy shoot! Look ! This one makes Zlata look like Grace Kelly ! » They’re not wrong there...

S.E.R : Who’s Zlata, Uncle ?

M : How would I know ? I don’t watch cartoons ! Good, now that they’ve mentioned Zlata, they’re going to laugh themselves silly for a couple of hours. Maybe we should take advantage of that and make an exit.

S.E.R : Shall we try another pub then, Uncle ?

M : Good idea. And find us somewhere classy, this time.



(Later, at the Crown and Convict, in Windsor)

S.E.R : Sweet baby Jesus, Uncle, are those antlers on the wall ?

M : Shh ! We’ll get in trouble !

S.E.R : Look, there’s a plaque : « Arry woz ere ». Uncle, I don’t think you should be here...

M : That’s what Liz said to me when I broke into her dining-room with a foreign Grandma’s good silver yesterday.

S.E.R : OH ! Uncle it was you ! You tried to murder the QUEEN !

M : Shh ! Initially that was the plan, yes, but she said, hey I know you and you cannot sing, so I said, neither can you, you katastrophic Kraut, and so she said, maybe, but I’m still closer to getting a record deal than you’ll ever be, and I had to leave in a hurry.

S.E.R : She’s really the meanest Queen I’ve EVER seen !

M : Yes, no wonder she’s lasted so long.

S.E.R : I don’t think anyone else has ever made you cry…

M: I didn’t cry. I never cry.

S.E.R : Will you cry at her funeral, Uncle ?

M : I might shed a tear if she dies before I find a clever comeback.

S.E.R : Isn’t it too late to look for one now, Uncle ? Maybe you should let it go.

M : Never. If I have the last word, all eyes will be on me when they lift her coffin. People will say, « Look ! That’s the man who shut up the Queen ! »

S.E.R : That’s why people say you cope so well with this death thing, Uncle. You’re the bride at every burial…

M : And a pretty one, too.

S.E.R :...and the corpse at every wedding, as the saying goes. Uncle, I swear those antlers are staring at me. It’s like they’re asking for protection, as you say all the time, which makes people laugh, because you couldn’t protect Dwayne Johnson from the silliest-looking Jet. You know, maybe it would better if you forgot about Puckett and became more like Plunkett.

M : ?

S.E.R: Randal ? The Death Metal Baron of Dunsany ? I hate nature but even I have heard of him.

M: I don’t listen to death metal, I have enough on my plate with rap, believe me.

S.E.R:You could buy lots of land and do the same thing, Uncle.

M : Oh so you don’t want your inheritance anymore ?

S.E.R : Of course I do, I was thinking of crowdfunding. You’d just have to tell people how to spend their money.

M : It seems people are doing that to me at the moment. Aren’t they ?

S.E.R : Uncle : Some people think it’s their Mission on Earth. Otherwise, why would have God put you in their path ? It’s like me, why else would have God given me a camera ?

M : Nobody put me in their path, they’re in mine, and they’re in the way, and although they’re an obstacle the size of a sheep’s dropping and easy to ignore, it’s still inconvenient.

S.E.R : Even Guillaume Canet wants you to buy land. For farmers, but you could say you just want them to grow vegetables, I’m sure they’d do as you say.

M : It’s true I find his two vegetables very interesting. I must be the only one on the planet. Okay. For his two veg maybe I could reinvent myself and become a gentleman farmer.

S.E.R : Uncle ! Quick ! Duck ! It’s Prince Charles !

 

[Barking]

M: Is it safe now?
SER: Yeah, he's gone. He was looking for Camilla's brooch. Uncle, when I was under the table, I posted all the pictures of you back in the L.A. daze like you told me, you know when you were tanned and gorgeous, and had all those hot chicks around you.
M: Some of them were men. Yes I just wanted to make it look like I wasn't a freak and I had friends.
S.E.R. And they certainly look like cool chicks Uncle, problem is, people can't make head or tail of your friends' old posts on the internet, so to outsiders, it just looks like you were spending maybe too much time in the looney bin when you were in Los Angeles. I mean, me, I can understand why you love L.A, but to other people, it's a mystery why you stayed there for so long.
M: I've already explained, it was a convalescence.
S.E.R : Yes, but one day you're reminiscing about Motown, the next day you post pictures of yourself with the Wu Ding Dong or whatever it's called. People just think you should make up your mind. Do you live in the early 2000's, or in the 60's? Are you playing pool with lesbians? Checking your hairpiece in a girl group?
M: Both.
S.E.R: Uncle, no: you're allowed to live in the past, but you gotta pick an era.
M: I refuse to choose.
S.E.R: So are you just going to make no sense whatsoever on the internet, and write long posts trying to sound like an old English professor, when people know for a fact you spent a great deal of time with people who talk about sticking their fingy in-
M: Yes. The internet is my home, now, nephew. And stop being the voice of reason, you don't have the physique.
S.E.R. I know Uncle, it was all for show. Oh well! At last now everybody knows what a grand mad old time you had in California.





among other boring things.

 

[Vegan Cro Spirit 444]

oi maybe you should employ FC to spice up the monotonous 'dialogue'
with some psycho babbling