ALERT! HA HA.
I shoot hoops with Sammy so got my hands on the New Interview. I know you guys can't wait OR CAN YOU? HAHAHALERT! Ha.Ha. Anyway here's a sneak peek. Enjoy. xxx Val.
S.E.R: So, Uncle, I ran out of questions so I asked people to write some on a piece of paper and put them in my cap and we're going to draw some out.
M: Have you read them?
S.E.R: Well, no, but I have an assistant now.
M: Has HE read them?
S.E.R: No, why?
M: Nevermind. Fire away.
S.E.R. Okay. This first question is from, er, anonymous: "Morrissey, you say people are happier with their own race, but I'm the same race as you, and if I had to pick a Steven I'd pick Steven Yeun. How do you explain that?"
M: Nobody is the same race as me.
S.E.R: Except me.
M: Well obviously. You're family.
S.E.R: I've known you all my life and we've all been Cretinians for as long as I can remember.
M: Yes, anyway. It's probably because I don't play guitar. That stupid question is obviously from Nile Marr.
S.E.R: Oh I HATE that guy!! AND his dad!!
S.E.R. Okay Uncle, this next question is from ...Anonymous, Victorville:"Morrissey: somebody on the internet recently said your nephew was your son. Does that mean you actually slept with your sister? lol"
M: To that I say...Can't Sisters Be Brothers?
S.E.R: Eh? Sorry Uncle, are you asking me?
S.E.R: Soooo, Uncle, can I publish the interview now?
M: Of course, buddy.
S.E.R: Isn't that a dog's name?
M: It can if you want it to be. But I was just trying to sound like an American dad.
S.E.R: Oh okay. Seeing as you're my real daddy and all that. Got it. So this goes on Central, yeah?
M: Don't say "yeah". Yes, I just have to rewrite the questions.
S.E.R: Like, in English?
M: Yeah. Add a few words with more than one syllable in them, some feeble attempts at humour...
S.E.R: HahaHastute! ...But Uncle, they"ll know it's not me! Or they'll think I'm on crack cocaine!
M: Precisely. I want them to think all my money is going to go to a drug addict after my death. Not one Swiss franc will be used in a positive way. My next album is 100% Jesse "El CoYote PaSA" Tobias. There is nothing worth living anymore. I want them to FEEL MY PAIN.
S.E.R: They deserve that, Uncle.
M: ...Then, quite unexpectedly, when they've grovelled in tears in the dirt for hours and they are ready to give up on Life,...I shall announce the Return of Alain.
S.E.R: I don't get it, Uncle.
M: That's because to you I'm like a David Bowie song. But not a very good one. To you I'm "Jump they say."
S.E.R: What, Uncle, now?
M: No.When we're on the plane to Vegas.
S.E.R: I thought I was going to die from chickenpox.
M: That again! Buddy, stop believing everything you see on the internet!
S.E.R: They scare me, Uncle.
M: I know. I know. But we still want them back in 2022. Now they know they'll have to skip the next album, you'll have a few months' peace. They'll stop making fun of you, you'll see.
S.E.R: You're doing this to protect me!
M: Well that's what you'll tell Ariana Grande if she ever asks- Now, buddy, is your suitcase for Albania ready?