Recent content by Victor Meldrew

Way to over-react, you cretin.

A good song about misery. Here's a better one though:

When the moment is about to arrive, I think of dear Kerry. That puts me right off. Conversely, if I have had a couple of pints of bitter and am taking a little too long, I just think of Margaret and Mrs Warboys and there is a veritable explosion.

I don't know anyone with a cat and, as mentioned earlier in the thread, the last one I was in contact with died in a freezer accident. I've spent £9 on two traps from Homebase, it'll be dead if it ever comes near me again. I even sacrificed a finger of KitKat to use as bait. Now, slightly off...

She has helped me overcome (excuse the pun) my premature ejaculation. Which both Margaret and I are thankful for. Not that we'll be having marital relations until the mouse has been caught.

The difference is the dead mouse comes attached to a trap which has smashed its' head in and is relatively easy to get rid of. I'll just throw it into Patrick and Pippa's garden.

I saw the note in the co-op window this morning, apparently a woman who's husband has just died is selling them.

Someone tells me a mouse has pissed all over my floor, now you're telling me to throw the hair of someone else's cat all over the place?! What IN THE NAME of BLOODY HELLLLL???!! I bought a box full of poison and two traps on my way home from work today and have set them either side of my...

I'll make the One Foot in the Grave jokes, thank you very much.

Pick it up? No way, Pedro. If I take it easy on this one, it'll go and tell it's mates and they'll all be round here. If only we hadn't accidentally frozen that stray cat in a block of ice in the freezer we could have set that after it.

In my flat. I was lying in bed and it just casually walked across the floor, until I moved (well, shouted, "I dooooonnn'ttt beeelieeeeeeve itt!!" in fact) and it bolted under the door and into the hall. I have now stuffed a towel under the door to keep it out.

I'm currently searching online where I can buy traps.. the little bastard will be dead this time tomorrow hopefully. No-one is eating my Kitkats but me.

f***ing mouse in my flat. The wee bugger just ran across the floor in my room. I chased it out into the hall and have barricaded myself my bedroom. Margaret will have to sleep elsewhere tonight.

How about you all bugger off out of my thread if you're going to argue off-topic. This is a bigger violation of my personal space than when Mr Swainey moved next door and turned a whole panel of my fence into a door so he could walk into my back garden any time he wanted.

"They say I might as well face the truth"