So, it looks like I'll be back in the Triad by March 1st. It's a creepy feeling. I'm not sure how to handle it, really. It's happening quick - quicker than I expected, and it's the last place I thought I'd find myself. The excruciating memories that I buried deep will resurface, I'm sure. I should try to look at the positive side and remember also that I've got friends there. People who care...people who will be happy to see me return. I should only concentrate on these things. Not sorrow. I've learned so much from my sadness, though. I'm kind of thankful for it - if that makes any sense. I think it helped me to figure out who I am and it's made me stronger. I wouldn't want to live through it again...no, no, noooooooooooooo...

Oh, what the hell...on with it.

It's James Dean's Birthday. Let's celebrate!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxGzbxWywmQ
(This cracks me up!) :D

Thank GOD! Mercury has turned direct...it's been three weeks in retrograde. Always very unpleasant when this happens. He won't turn tail again until 18 April, so there's time to straighten out things and breathe a little. This time it was in Capricorn which is my rising sign. AND there was an eclipse as well! No wonder I've been such a mess...well, more than usual, I mean.

For those who don't follow Astrology: When Mercury goes retrograde it brings back the past a little and always affects those who work in communication - like writers, teachers, commentators - even theives! Communication is disrupted, lots of misunderstandings come about...For instance: Morrissey is once again without a record deal AND Management.

Yep. Mercury Retrograde.

Also, the earthquake in Haiti - much like the one on 26 December 2004 that caused so much destuction in Southeast Asia - another good example. Well, a HORRIBLE example, really, but it just goes to show you that when Mercury is retrograde...nothing good EVER comes from it.

Many of you may have seen this already, but I thought I'd post it here anyway as it looks soooo good! I hope to try it very soon. This recipe won best Entree in Vegetarian Times!

~~~~~~

Wild Mushroom Ravioli in Sage and Brown Sauce (by Emily Peterson - Institute of Culinary Education New York, NY)

1 Tbs. olive oil
1 small shallot, minced (2 lbs)
1 4-oz pkg "gourmet blend" mushrooms (shiitakes, oyster mushrooms, and baby bellas), diced
2 tbs. white wine
1 tsp. fresh thyme leaves
20 square won ton wrappers
1/4 fresh sage leaves, plus more for garnish
2 tbs. grated parmesan cheese

1. Heat oil in skillet over medium heat. Add shallot, and saute 2 minutes. Add mushrooms, and cook 7 to 10 minutes, or until softened. Add wine and thyme, and cook 2 minutes. Season with salt and pepper, if desired. Cool.

2. Cut 1 won ton wrapper in half, to form 2 rectangles. Brush edges of won ton half with water, and place 1 tsp. mushroom mixture on one side. Fold won ton wrapper in half to make square ravioli, pressing on edges to seal. Place on baking sheet. Repeat with remaining won ton wrappers and filling.

3. Melt butter in large skillet over low heat. Add sage leaves, and cook 8 to 10 minutes. or until fatty solids in butter sink to bottom of saucepan and turn nutty brown. (Personally, I'd use Smart Balance with an olive oil base - not sure if it would work as well, though)

4. Meanwhile, cook ravioli in large pot of boiling salted water 2 minutes, or until they float to top. Transfer to skillet with slotted spoon, and toss to coat with brown butter sauce. Season with salt and pepper, if desired, and sprinkle with cheese.

- Per serving (8 ravioli) 298 cal., 5 G PROT
- 25 G total fat (13 G Sat fat), 21 G Carb
- 53 MG Chol, 336 MG SOD 1 G Fiber 1 G Sugars

(Vegetarian Times, January 2010, pg.63)

Of course this is fattening, but not as fattening as some vegetarian ravioli recipes, however! It's definitely worth a try.

When it rains, it pours.

I really don't know how much more of this mess I can take. People say, "Nothing is THAT bad". Well, I beg to differ...

I do agree that when you've hit rock bottom, you can only go up. But when exactly DO YOU KNOW YOU'VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM??

It's just a mess.

I must have "Please Ask Me If I'm Okay" written across my forehead. I can't tell you how many people from work today asked, "What's wrong?", "You look so sad! What's bothering you?", "Are you okay?". I, in return, wanted to ask, "Well, have you opened your eyes today? Do you see what I see?". I suppose it's true that I wear my thoughts on my...face. I am very stressed out and worried, yet I'm calm and pleasant. More so than I should be, I think. With the troubles I am having in my family life, and major personal problems as well, I really should be close to a nervous breakdown. But since I've been there, done that, I guess I'm just deadened to it now. So, I smile, pipe up and say, "Oh, I'm great! Just tired!" and go on about my day. They buy it, or they don't. It doesn't matter to me. I just find their interest baffling and kind of fascinating. But maybe they wish to divert their attention to someone else whose misery is a bit more than their own. It really isn't because they care or anything.

It's revolting, really. You spend so much time helping people, tending to their needs, listening to them, offering support, and what do they give you in return? I'm not a Saint by any means, but these same people - where are they when I need them? My best friend of 22 years...where is she? My brothers - what the hell is wrong with them? My Father...how did he become so bitter? I've got one person who understands me, but I've never even met her (Thanks, H, if you read this). It's just...I mean...I feel completely isolated! Again, I wonder what I've done. But, I haven't done anything, or if I did, I sincerely have no clue what it may have been to cause all of THIS.

Well, I AM tired. I can sleep 12 hours and wake up exhausted. I'm well aware that it's not normal to feel this way. I'm basically a healthy person, so I should have more energy and I shouldn't feel so sickly all the time. I've determined that it all comes down to how I'm leading my life - or how others are trying to lead it for me. And it's going to stop. It's not depression on my part. I'm not using that old crutch anymore because I don't think it's true. I believe if I could just get out from under these certain circumstances, I may have a real shot at being quite happy.

And, you know, things happen swiftly sometimes. I don't know what's going to happen in the next month, but quite a few major changes will take place. One being a move that I thought wouldn't take place until August may take place as soon as the first of next month - to FLORIDA. How it's going to happen, I don't know. Will it even happen? I think I don't have a choice. I've got to find a better place to live so that I can really grow in my career. Esthetics isn't very popular in NC. If I don't move to a metropolitan area where the spa business is booming, I'm really going to be in trouble...

I'm gonna stamp "I'm OK" on my forehead tomorrow.

Well, here we are. The end is near! Time's a'tickin' - better get started!

In this decade:

I've loved and lost: Chris (didn't see that one coming, did you?) [2001], my sweet Shih Tzu Oliver [2003], Martha - my dear friend and second mother [2006], my very good friend Angela [2009]

I moved from a mildly busy city to the coast where I found some peace and quiet, but I think I've had enough of it now. I'm looking to move to a city again. Which city, I'm not sure yet. I've even thought of moving to another state. CA, WA, and FL seem to be top of the list at the moment. FL is probably the winner by far, but who knows - maybe I'll just move to Raleigh or Wilmington. This will happen in late Summer of 2010.

I have become one of the best Estheticians a client could ever hope to meet. YES, I'm proud.

I had my first art show this decade - in 2001, in fact. It was fairly successful. I've had a few drab shows as well since then, but I always meet some of the most interesting people and they feed my ego and keep me painting on...

I had a lot of fun in 2005 playing "Stella" in A Streetcar Named Desire. I think I might have had my first love interest since Chris in that year, but because I delete my journal quite frequently, I can't check to see if that's certain.

I went to NYC last May and visited quite a few of James Dean's old hangouts. I even stayed at the Iroquios Hotel where he lived for a while back in the early 50's. This may seem silly, but it's important to me because I've been a fan for so very long and I've wanted to make the trip forever. I also saw my very first Broadway show - The Phantom of the Opera. Not my choice, but I really didn't have a voice in the matter. I was just happy to be there.

I FINALLY got to shake Morrissey's hand back in March at Myrtle Beach, SC. A task that took 20 years to complete! It nearly happened in 1997, but every time Moz reached for me, the kid next to me would jump up and knock my hand out of the way! After three times, Morrissey just gave up and walked away. Had I not been squished against the railing and unable to move, I think I would have killed that boy...But, anyway, YES, a gentle touch from the greatest man alive. I hope it happens again...

As for this year alone, it's been about 50/50, really. Only a few things happened that I wish to hold near to my heart forever. Otherwise, I'm happy to see the new year. A fresh new decade. I don't make resolutions anymore, but the one thing I've decided to never mention again is Chris. The fact that I spent so much time thinking about him and writing about him is enough to make me sick. Well, in fact, it did make me sick. So, I'm kicking him out. Gone for good. I'm happy just being who I am and I don't feel that I need another person to make me whole. 2010 and beyond I will concentrate on myself and working hard to find my place in this world - if there is a place (funny how I thought I would be there by now). I've met some great people and reconnected with old friends. What else do I need, really? Other than good health, I suppose. Well, a few more Morrissey shows will be nice :)

So, here's to 2010! May you keep safe, happy, and in good health!

This says it all...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKm5IFUcMjk

On AMC right now. I forgot how it scared me to death when I was little!

George C. Scott was an amazing actor!!

I got a raise today...WOW. Didn't see that one coming. I'm also starting to get more hours! Maybe the novena to St. Jude is working...

I don't like to get my hopes up, but I haven't felt the stress let up for weeks, and even though this is just a little bit of relief, it's better than nothing. Honestly, it's been nearly unbearable with work and family issues - I really thought I wasn't going to make it. I didn't want to make it, actually - to be dramatic about it, but truthful at the same time, I suppose. It's far from over, but...anyway, this day was actually a good one, and that hardly ever happens anymore.

I see a glimmer of hope. But, who knows what tomorrow will bring.

I've been thinking a lot about what Morrissey said in his letter to us, and I think what really saddens me is that Morrissey feels he should apologise for "Swords". I think it's a great album. It has quite a few of the b-sides that I love - including Ganglord, Sweetie Pie, If You Don't Like Me,Don't Look At Me, My Dearest Love, Don't Make Fun of Daddy's Voice, Good Looking Man About Town, The Never Played Symphonies...It's great! I'll agree the cover art could have been better - it really didn't seem like something Morrissey would have wanted, but it's certainly not that bad. I think the last picture should have been the cover. He shouldn't apologise.

I know I'm not the only person who feels this way and who also keeps it on heavy rotation...

Well, with all that said, here's to the end of the day - the best part of the day. The part where I'm exactly where I want to be - surrounded by my "things" with my cat snuggled against me - making sure I'm warm :) I feel safe tonight and...SLEEPY.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything" - Chuck Palahniuk

Sounds like the Ventura show was great. Nice send-off from Morrissey. I really hope he was talking to us all when he said, "Whatever Happens, I Love You" - because I need that right now. I'm still hoping for a second leg of the tour so that I can go to the shows surrounding my area. If he's not well, though, he should take a break. We will still be around when he decides to tour again.

This weekend did not go well and I'm exhausted. I need to sleep, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to. I've taken a few pills to help me sleep...I have to get up at 6:30am for work.

I'm not feeling well. I'm quite sad and uncertain. But, this really shouldn't be anything new, huh? Those feelings that I buried deep inside of me seem to be slowly crawling back to the surface.

Not a good thing, but really what does it matter?