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"I've been beat up. I've been thrown out. But i'm not down. I'm not down. I've been shown up, but I've grown up (not really), and i'm not down, i'm not down.."
Thursday March 18, 10
A Declaration of Sorts
So, dealing with the information provided to me recently regarding my ex-boyfriend and his current activities after being free of me, and due to the fact that i am now skirting on the arrival of middle age, i have decided to officially take myself off the market.
I am not declaring this as a way to attract sympathy from others...i am declaring this because i am so goddamned angry. (I really don't like to use the GD word, but it just happens to sprout from my mouth in extreme moments of anger and frustration. So, there it is..)
You know...if this is what men want...manipulative bitches with alterior motives...then they can fucking have them. That is not me. I will not pretend to be anything else.
I'm sorry, i would write more angry vitrol to entertain you, but i must get up for work in about six hours. But i will say that this beaotch has the jaw of a horse. Don't get me wrong...i think horses are beautiful, majestic animals. But their jaws just aren't very becoming on human faces.
Horseface and i graduated from high school the same year, from the same high school. Our lovely 20th year high school reunion is coming up in about three months. I am reluctant to attend in the first place, as i attended my 10th year reunion, and that was enough for me.
My close friend of mine, however, is adamant about me going to this shindig, even though she knows of the whole situation between horseface and i. And that i told her if i were to be in the same room as horseface right now, i would do my very best to beat the living shit out of her...especially for the time when she tried to be my friend and call me to tell me what to expect while my father was dying, etc.. it meant NOTHING to this beaotch!!! The c**t!!!
So yeah, i really don't want to have a felony aggravated assault charge under my belt, especially at my age.
On a positive note...I have a great aunt, who's 86, and never married or had children...and she's doing great!!!
Thursday March 04, 10
Next Step From Here: Certifiably Insane
I find Father Time to be indeed an incredibly abusive parent.
What's so great about getting older? Your skin starts to droop parallel to the ground, and the grey hairs start sprouting up like schoolyard bullies hiding in back of objects you'd never think of anyone hiding behind.
But my main diatribe against Father Time is: taking away people (and pets) who i like and/or love, and separating us with the wall between life and death. There is no communication available between these two locations. Not even email or Twitter!!
Sunday February 28, 10
Oh, Four Letter Word!!
I've been such a right effin' mess for almost two weeks now...about my ex getting back with his effin' skank.
This is the guy who i called right after my dad died...i was unable to even talk...just sob uncontrolably...and he said; "i'll be right there..." and he was. He got there before i even did.
And he was so there for me, by my side....for the burial service and everything. I guess i did something wrong...i wouldn't put it past me...for him to totally shun me and take back fuckin' trash.
I'll never understand...i'm swearing off men forever..
Over and Out.
Friday February 26, 10
So i mentioned in my last journal entry about my emotionally taxing days as of late. Well, don't want to go into detail here, as i have to get up early...this morning...but here it goes: My effing ex-boyfriend (the NICE one) got back with his ex after his mother died. He had told me while we were together; "oh, we were together a long time ago, we've been friends for a long time after that, you have no reason to feel threatened..." I wanted to be the cool girlfriend and be all accepting and everything....oh, Spinster, you damned fool. No wonder why you're still a damned spinster...you don't give the fellas what they want....
Sorry, i'd write more, but i've been raging internally and externally for a week now...i'm being consumed...
Thursday February 25, 10
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This...)
I read hand in glove's journal entry about her Morrissey dream, and i really wanted to comment on it and share a really bizarre Morrissey dream i had once. But, seeing that comments have been disabled, i'll just write about it here.
It was more of a silly dream than a bizarre one. I have the weirdest dreams ever. I put psychedelics to shame. I had this dream several years ago and can still remember it due to its silliness and weirdness level.
Here it goes: I dreamt i was in an ice cream shop with a friend...which friend i was with i can't remember. It was an independently owned ice cream shop, and the store lighting inside was not unlike that of a Starbucks. You know, kind of dark. And the shop had hardwood floors. I ordered my ice cream cone from none other than...Morrissey!! He wasn't wearing a work uniform...he was just dressed in regular civilian clothes: dark blue jeans, a button-down shirt which i think was striped, and black shoes.
But anyway, as he was scooping my ice cream into the cone (two scoops of bubble gum flavored ice cream), he was singing a Smiths song! I wish i could remember exactly which one it was....it was either Bigmouth Strikes Again, What Difference Does It Make or, Hand In Glove!! And as he was singing and serving up the ice cream he was smiling and was in the bubbliest of moods! He handed me my ice cream cone singing and smiling. Then right after he handed me my ice cream, i woke up, because that was one of the weirdest dreams ever!! Weird, but very pleasant. :)
I mentioned the part about the hardwood floors because i had another dream about him a couple of years ago where i was in an old-style type of ballroom that had, yet again, hardwood floors. Morrissey was performing in this ballroom, but he wasn't performing on a stage. He was performing in the middle of the dancefloor, standing with the rest of the people. He was standing i'd say about 10 feet away from me, and was with a group of several people. It was basically like he was so close, yet not quite within reach.
The other day, i was looking through my cds and i found the cd single of I Have Forgiven Jesus (cd2), and inside the sleeve is a picture of Moz and the band, sitting on a stage with a hardwood floor. It kind of reminded me a lot of the latter dream which i described. Very interesting....
I'm kind of playing hooky from work today. Well, maybe not necessarily so, because i genuinely feel foul. But i'm sure i still could have gone in, if i really had wanted to. But truth be told, i've just had such an emotionally taxing past several days that i just decided to hole up in my house today and regroup, and clear out my mind. I'l write about those days at another time, because right now i just want to feel better, and if i drudge up the events from these past few days there is no hope for me to successfully nurse my wounds.
Wednesday February 17, 10
Beam Me Up, Scotty!
I'm in a right old curmudgeonly mood tonight. Every now and then...well, okay...often...i get in these moods where i basically walk around think about how stupid everyone else is. Well...i don't mean necessarily EVERYONE, but a lot of people.
I always feel kind of guilty about it, because i know i'm not exactly an Einstein myself. But then i get over it. ;)
But take tonight, for instance. I was at the local mall, in a department store, and there was this guy walking around, speaking very loudly into his cell phone, berating the person on the other end. Every other work this distinguished gentleman said was "fuckin". Right in the vicinity of a lady walking around with a stroller with a toddler in it. And a conservative looking older business-type woman. Classy.
His girlfriend, or whatever she was to him, was trying on jeans, apparently. He told her that she had a fat ass, and she just laughed at him like she was watching something on Comedy Central. I felt sorry for her. She obviously needs psychiatric care, being involved with such a catch of a man.
The saddest thing about this scene?? This guy looked like he was around my age (i'm 37, btw). He was a white guy, and was dressed all gangsta and was trying to talk and act gangsta. They say you should never give up on your dreams. I wonder if this fella's dream is to be a member of the local chapter of the Crips. Can being a white guy pushing forty disqualify one for membership? Don't quash the dream, people!!
Well, i wish him the best of luck, i guess.
In addition to my usual observations while out in public of people acting arrogant while they really don't seem to have a reason to be arrogant, and the stupid drivers i encountered on the way home, i really can't wait for Friday to get here.
Over and out!!
Thursday February 11, 10
Appetite Lost, Appetite Found.
For the past several days, i truly had lost my appetite and was literally forcing myself to eat. Today it seems to have returned. A couple of days ago i pulled a Symptoms, Causes and Cures type of book off the bookshelf. It said one of the possible symptoms of appetite loss is a sign of cancer. Needless to say, it scared the holy hell out of me. Ever since my Dad died from it i'm so afraid i'm going to get it now. But today, i went to a Mexican restaurant with a couple of co-workers on my lunch break and i'm not worried anymore. The chips and the restaurant's fabulous salsa brought my appetite back to life, thank the Lord! I guess my temporary appetite loss is probably attributed to the subconscious realization of the second anniversary of my father's death. And now that i've gone through that hurdle, things have returned to normal palate-wise.
I know i write as if i'm the only person in the world that has ever had to experience the premature death of a beloved parent, and yes, i know i'm not. But some people are not as strong and resilient than others, and i most certainly fall in that category. In 2008 i was just surrounded by so much death. I mean, two weeks to the day of my father's death, my mother's cousin died, and we had to go to ANOTHER funeral. Then of course my ex's mom died suddenly of a heart attack...that whole situation was just so heart breaking. So then ANOTHER funeral. Oh and get this...the priest who gave my dad his last rites two hours before he died...well, he was killed in a car accident that same year during Thanksgiving weekend. Went to his rosary..
It's amazing i'm still here. Amazing i'm still here, and not had to have been put in the funny farm.
Well, i have to wake up for work in about six hours, so goodnight.
Saturday February 06, 10
I Dream, I Dream of Vermin...
I've observed the writings of many on this website as of late, and must say, i feel like a complete bumbling dumbass compared to most of you. But yet i still feel the overwhelming need to write and express myself..i can't help it...it needs to be done. I know my writing style is quite simplistic. Please just have some patience and partial empathy for me.
Anyhoo....as the title suggests...i DID dream of vermin..last night, in fact. It was one of those surreal dreams you have that continue to occupy your mind throughout the day because it was so profound.
"Vermin" relates to that evil ex of mine i talked about here several journal entries ago. Don't think i mentioned this in that journal discussing him, but he was the one who contacted me on facebook, asked for forgiveness (stupidly granted it to him), and then proceeded to do the same exact fucking thing to hurt me in the first place! Oh yeah, and he kinda forgot to tell me he was married!!
Here goes the dream: All i remember was that i was standing in the doorway to a large apartment dwelling, and it was on the first floor. I know the apartment had three bedrooms. I saw two very young children running around, a boy and a girl (in real life, there was just the little boy involved, but in the dream there was a boy and a girl, which i suspect may be the case in real life now). The wife was kinda chunky..not morbidly obese, but not exactly fit either. It was extremely strange because in the dream she and i were talking, and of course i can't remember what about...and she was very nice to me...not many spouses in real life would be as accomodating to their partner's exes as she was in this dream. And then (in my dream)...i saw him...
...he was maybe an inch or two taller than what he is in real life. He was wearing jeans and a vintage t-shirt. His hair was slightly longer than what he wears it in real life, and he had those massive sideburns, the ones that grow from your earlobes to practically down to your chin. This is so not like him in real life.
Anyway, i saw him (in my dream), and proceeded to give him the worst dirty look i've never given to anybody. I was literally trying to kill him with my eyes. It didn't work (damnit!!). But of course he saw what was going on and proceeded to tell me; "i know you hate me and i'm not worth it, but you need to forgive me.."
Oh but why?? In real life, i've proceeded to forgive him several times for hurting me severely, and he's just gone and done the same thing. I'm a forgiving person, but i'm not Jesus.
The dream ended with the overweight wife taking me to the bus station, and she was extrememly sympathetic to me. Like i said..this was a dream, folks.
I know it's wrong not to forgive...but in the case of someone begging for repentance and, once receiving it, does the same thing over and over and over again...why is it a sin to not be able to forgive them anymore???
Thursday February 04, 10
I have a really horrible anniversary coming up.
Saturday, February 9, 2008, my father passed away. i can't believe it's gonna be two years since the event. I think my subconcious mind has been trying to distract myself from the knowledge of this event, but a couple of days ago, i had a flashback, of the last time i saw him alive...on a bed in a hospice facility, gasping for air....
I'm pausing..and i feel sadness, despair, anger... trying not to explode into a tourette's syndrome style of breakdown. I thought of my dad's final hours the other day while i was getting ready to go to work...my face contorted into that wailing position, and then i cried for about a minute. And then i continued to prepare myself for the workday. Dad would have wanted it that way.
Before i go, i want to note something about the bizarreness of the date of February 9th. My grandmother, my mother's mother, died February 9, 1990. My mother's oldest brother, my uncle, died February 10, 2002, just two hours after he turned 75 years old. Then my father died February 9, 2008. It's just so weird that my mother lost such significant people in her life (of course they were significant in mine too, but for her more so) around the same time of year on the exact date...what is the explanation for that?????
Wednesday February 03, 10
Death and Other Whimsical Subjects
I don't know what the hell is going on.
First of all, at the beginning of this new year, a co-worker of mine's father died. He had had a chronic illness for a while, but still. He was 66 years old, the same age my father was when he died. Ironically, he and my father are now both buried in the same cemetary, probably just a few dozen rows away from each other.
Then, another friend of mine's mother was found dead in her house, presumably by my friend. She found her and her mother's lips were all blue and stuff. :( I feel so badly for her because she just lost her father last year, and she is an only child. I'm still not sure what her mother died from, but her father had cancer, that fucking grim reaper of diseases.
Then, about a week ago, a friend of mine's ex-wife's stepdad died of that fucking asshole, cancer. He was diagnosed with it two months earlier...it took him quick. :(
About a week ago, i ran into an old co-worker of mine. She's had breast cancer off and on for the past three and a half years or so. In recent months she's had a masectomy, and she said that supposedly she doesn't have any cancer anymore, but is doing four rounds of chemo before returning to work, and this hopefully will prolong her life for about five more years. She's old enough to be my mom...her daughter and i went to school together and graduated the same year. Despite her age, the years she and i worked together, i came to know her as a good friend and confidant.
Oh and then i checked my facebook page a couple of days ago, and learned a friend of mine, who is also a former roommate, well, her dad had a massive heart attack this past Saturday which was apparently the mother of all heart attacks but he survived, miraculously. Last she posted earlier today he was still in the hospital and doing better than expected. I'm afraid to check my page...i'm so sick of bad news. :(
The friend of mine whose ex-wife's stepdad died made a comment to me, that many of us, in our mid to late thirties, are losing family members left and right, and a lot of these people we are losing seem to be dying way too early. And i agree.
Like i said, i really don't know what the hell is going on. Is it the stress of modern life killing people off prematurely? Or is it just plain old fate?
I'm sorry...i would write more...but i'm actually getting sleepy for a change.
Until next time...