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"I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world."-O.Wilde***"What she said was sad, but then all the rejection she's had- to pretend to be happy could only be idiocy..."***And the constant question- am I really that unloveable?***"Jesus made me, so Jesus save me from pitty, sympathy, and people discussing me..."***If you ever come across a blonde haired girl with large blue eyes looking at nothing and seeing everything- then you've found me. The martini will be mine and I will most probably be......alone
Wednesday December 08, 04
I wrote an entry and the computer ate it.
I am defeated by technology once again.
Nature must still find a way-
Tuesday December 07, 04
why the holidays..... ever?
So it begins.... I tried shopping the other day. it was too hot and too crowded, and I was far too tired. I left in a panic. It was all too much.
And my family is taking a trip. I was not invited. The other side of my family is having a get-together. My siblings won't go over some issue. And me? I feel inches away from giving up on the entire damn thing.
I really am tring to make it work. In fact- I'm trying to be in the holiday cheer. Comon sense and rejection is beating me down.
I must focus. I've been up to all sorts of things, and am trying my best to make sure that everything works out.
Knowing my luck- it will be about 50%.
What can you do?
May you survive shopping-
Thursday October 28, 04
damn this weather
I have tickets to see Morrissey play on Sunday.
At an outdoor event.
And its been raining all week.
Thursday September 16, 04
I can't get out of this mood.
Part of this could be due to the fact that I've been up since 5:15. Mother screaming, me walking around half-awake. there was nothing else to do but go to work.
So here I am.
I got cast in some indie film. It's all very hush hush. Apparently I was cast, and received a mysterious phone call yesterday telling me a time and place to show up for costume fittings.
If I hadn't actually met these people, I would suspect that it is porn.
Even knowing, I have my doubts.
I was listening to Morrissey the other day. I just kind of laid down and fell into the music.
I had to. I was on the edge.
I had a great weekend last week, but it was a double-edged sword. I saw an old and very loved friend of mine. We had a great time. He and some friends of mine went out a drank till we fell, and I stood in the ocean. Sooner that it should have, it was over, and I was sitting in the passenger side of my friend's car- crying my eyes out silently. It shouldn't, but it hurts.
I'll explain when I'm not distracted by life. Somehow I think that it would help to get it down on the page.
Monday August 09, 04
I should know better.....
To all who posted in my last entry- thank you. You will all get a proper response when time permits. I can;t tell you how it helped. Such a little thing.........
Old friends... old lovers... old problems... everything that's old is new again. Funny how that happens.
My friend's birthday was this past weekend and I drank my fill and sang Morrissey songs while holding on to my friend. Rember kids- "there's no where to go but down...."
And now? Ah yes... back to the grind, the pressure, the never ending grind. Sometimes you have to step back. Sometimes you just have to go with it.
Either way it burns :)
I'm not in the greatest of moods, so forgive me. This too shall pass.
Love to all and maybe some to myself-
Thursday July 29, 04
people make me tired. their needs... their wants...... their conflicts and joys and unhappiness and bliss...........
it is all a little much for me today.
Do you ever wonder how you got to the point that you're at now? Do you ever think that experience has hardened you? My friend asked if I was a romantic person. I said that I didn't know..... that no one had ever let me try.
A ture statement, that while being true, doesn't mean that it hurts any less.
it used to bother me that i was alone. and now..... it just feels like i'm alone. it's a state of mind- not a cureable physical ailment. there is no little pill to take that will make you forget that you're vile.
and so it goes.
i want this mood to pass, and i want to feel like something's on the level. something. anything.
back to my box.
Monday July 26, 04
down we go together......
Life has a way of slapping you with the unexpected. Funny how it happens right in the midst of you feeling sure that you know what's going on.
Proving once and again that I know nothing.
"This is the lie, this is the life, this is the lie that you promised to me...."-The Distillers
Monday May 17, 04
this is required..........
Maybe it's just me, and maybe it's not. but whatever it is- if anyone else has felt this way, let me know......
Everything (in retrospect) is going well. I'm in love. I'm moving to a great city. I have the support of my family. I have focus. So why is it that I'm feeling kind of useless right now? I look at my boyfriend, and I see him working really hard to build a future for us. I've asked him if there's anything that I can do to help, and he says no. But imagine how strange it feels for me to know that one day I'm just going to arrive at our apartment. there's nothing that I can do to contribute to the event, because my boyfriend has made it clear that he wants to do this on his own. I feel like he's working so hard to make all of this happen (our living situation, his new job,the book), and I'm just..... there? Isn't there something that I should be doing? can I not handel this because I'm not in control of anything? can I not understand what it's like to have someone "take care" of me? Is there something in this picture that I'm missing? Shouldn't I be doing SOMETHING? he tells me to enjoy myself right now. He tells me to take a vaction. He tells me to travel and see friends and to stay busy. Does any of that soundlike it's going to contribute something to our relationship?
What am I missing here?
My friend told me that sometimes he just likes having his girlfriend around, and that it is enough. great. But they're not..... actually having a life together? I don't know. Is this all just meaningless stress? Am I just upset over nothing? If that's the case, then why do I feel stressed?
If anyone can help, I'll send you a check for the therapy.
again we go-
Tuesday May 11, 04
Where is this "bright side of life" exactly?
I'm begining to recover. It hasn't been easy.....
The boy came up this weekend, and it saved me. I can't explain the emotional trauma, but I do know that he helps to relieve it. The stress, the anxiety, the..... everything. I did some serious packing and cleaning yesterday, and it helped to clear the head.
Now that I have some perspective, I'm feeling much better. In fact, tomorrow may be a fun day for me in the city.
I'm neurotic, and sometimes I can't help it. Some people are, and some people aren't. Those that aren't will never understand what it's like to be us. I think that's kind of how it works to be Morrissey fans.
Here's me taking a deep breath. Sometimes we just need to inhale..... and exhale. Sometimes I forget.
I'm trying to remain positive. There's all of these things to take into consideration. And I'm moving away :) I'm moving to the beach. I'm getting to do art and live in an art community. I'm going with my boyfriend, who I love, and I can't help but smile at the thought.
I hope that everyone else finds some kind of happiness today to carry them through.
Friday May 07, 04
erased from time
To all who ventured into the deep and posted comments in my last few entries, no I haven't overlooked them. I love them, and I will respond when I'm not in such a mood.
Because I am in a mood.
After crying my eyes out for hours yesterday, I awoke with a sense of ?
Nothing is making sense right now. My poor boss actually told me that she was sorry for pushing me so hard this week. Believe me, that's a huge statement. I'm chewing asprin like candy to stop the chest pains, and I just can't seem to relax. And I've tried. Yoga, breathing exercises, mental drifting...... everything. The only thing that helps is working until I pass out from being exhausted. My body hates me.
And worse? I just couldn't take it last night. I couldn't. So I sat there on a bench talking with a friend, and I told him. I told him everything. And I felt numb. He looked at me and told me that he was worried. Worried? Me too. Because despite how happy I am about the future, I'm not sure if I can stand much more of it. I keep telling myself that things will be better soon and that I just have to hold on. But I really don't want to. I want to just free-fall into this abyss that is my mental state. I don't want to yield to the feelings of mania and depression. I don't want to put on a happy face and pretend that things are fine. Things are not fine. Desperation is the feeling of today. And yesterday. And the day before..............
I guess that I just must hold on.