...Er, yeah, but I was all about saving bunnies, not blowing the planet to bits?

"It is the start of something new... The treaty is based on pragmatism, not just sentiment."

Well really David, it's exactly like before then. I see you've been having tea with Mr Duplicity, who told you a partnership could be extremely... beneficial...

There's just one problem: I never signed that.

I will only sign the Thumper Treaty.

Until then, you can shove that nuclear missile up your singer's arse.

Gently.

Johnny would have signed...

Or is it just that someone is writing a long letter to the Times?

Basically, a minor gesture like adding one's name to a list of ordinary citizens is too much. Especially when it's my suggestion. So noone will ever pay attention to any of my ideas. Even if it's just to show some totally risk-free basic civic spirit.

Sure, I'm just here to provide ideas for idiotic picture poses. I'm dead good at that, aren't I.

That's the bloke who said he felt guilty because he didn't join the Animal Liberation Front. The poor thing can't even type his own name on a petition, how could he manage to rescue hamsters from a cosmetics-testing lab...

In the words of another useless person, "I give up."
You know, there aren't many people who consider you like a normal citizen. I do. But of course you can deny ever needing the feeling to be like the rest of us...
  After all, I'm sure your special universe is all you need...

So, anyway, wassup in your extraordinary life? Have you dumped your boyfriend for an actor half your age yet? Do you pity heterosexual males and want to tell us about it? Come on then.

(By the way, do you know what they call a Chinese man in Singapore?)

(Wait...Do you believe in signs? :-/ )

(Is heterosexuality a tragedy then? Your opinion? Would you shoot yourself if you were a woman and couldn't do all the hot things gay blokes like you do? Eating hot cottage cheese in Hampstead and stuff? Is life only worth living as a happy homo? Would you say so? -I'm just curious. It's like,you know, "OMG, we're SOOOO missing out!!!" panic - makes you sick really, don't it.)

More forests sold= more trees gone= more parking lots= more prostitutes (it's their natural habitat) = more tv appearances for Ms Widdywidepecker.

Doesn't take a Master in Forestry and Prostitution Management.

Now, I know saving forests is less glamorous than the publicity-seeking superficial supporting of LMHR, an organization that must have a great impact on anti-racism (fighting racism with big concerts? Right. And I'm Sir Bobby Gandalf in "Lord of the Bling"), as opposed to say, actual local community projects that could really have used that money, BUT

THUMPER AND BENJAMIN BUNNY NEED A HOME.

If they can't be saved, well then, woods make ideal birthday/christmas/funeral presents that are guaranteed to please.

Johnny got Vanessa an island, why not give the special berry-picker in your life a UK forest.

Well I think it's a great, generous, lovely idea.
  See, I think of other people, not just myself!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2010/oct/29/forest-sell-off-government

I AM TOO THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED TO COMMENT.

Not being a UK citizen I didn't sign this

http://www.petition.co.uk/stop-uk-forestry-destruction

but really I think that's the least any Retired and Extremely Dangerous reader could do.

If you're a Working and Completely Innocuous reader you can sign it too.

(Comment: Old actors are hotter than a forest fire, as Lloyd once said to Bruce.)
("you dirdy old dog!" -yeah?
(oh look who's talking, silly stocky tight-fisted bear-loving completely idle pansy.)(now f.off and sign.)

now where's Ann? ("Rugged and Extremely Dosed")

I hope the procession elephant liked the vintage pair of jeans that was carefully chosen for him in LA.

As for me, not knowing the couple personally, I just thought of giving them the line: "Has the Perry gone straight to my head?" that Russell can reuse in a comedy show or something (to get money to buy a cot for the baby) (oh you're welcome, I've got tons of those.)

This as I bear no grudge about the animal procession; myself at my funeral I am planning to have a cortège of 666 famous people and journalists on all fours, most of them with parrots and rats on their backs. It'd be lovely if Russell could be at the front, his great mane dyed red to make him look like a lion...RRRR... If someone could arrange that for me...If he could have a small monkey wearing a blue wig steering him, it'd be perfect...Ta...

Ah but, while waiting for that special day, the greatest present I could receive in my lifetime -that could actually be unexpectedly brief- could only come from...Linda.

Aaaaaaah. Linda.
Linda, Linda, Linda.

My dream, see, is to see her properly putting her foot in it.

Without holding back, you know. Not like now...

It could happen in so many ways...An interview for the usual unread arty-farty publication...The journalist would ask: "so what do you make of today's pop stars?" And, without thinking twice, or even once, she'd cockily declare:

"Well, My extremely witty, iconic and very best friend Morrissey, who loves me, was just telling me the other day that he felt on par with Katy Perry, as her brain and her eyes all are roughly the same size as golf balls. Hahaha!"

...

Eh?

...

Wouldn't that be HILARIOUS? The Original Creation of a perfect moment of Embarrassment? For all to see? Clearly identified embarrassment, not the usual hushed Affair? Mmm? No more awkward beating around the bush! No more codes or innuendos! All out in the open for once!

  And seeing a coward choose between two people? Wouldn't that be great? I am sure it is as funny as seeing a bear try to cycle and juggle at the same time. Especially when he's never had any practice, never having had to choose between two people... Or face proper embarrassment with one.

(What? The tiny hairs standing on the back of your neck now? No, that's not proper embarrassment.)(it's more like fear but not quite) (lol, you wish!).

Speaking of embarrassment, would you return the hello from Madness? When they greeted the multitude in September, they called me "our friends on the hill". (Well it weren't a proper hill, I'd call that a talus rather, but obviously when you see a tiny person on a talus, you easily mistake it for a hill.)

Ah yes...The end of hypocrisy...Wouldn't that be the greatest present?

"Out with it, curs!" (one can dream...Alas, I think in some people, nationalities, suspessiz, it's genetic. Eh Mulrrivey?...)

All the best Krussell. Ignore what Linda will never say, you're both smarter and hotter than Morrissey eating Gundu Chili.

As for you, you may resume miming the fondling of your best friend's breast, on or off stage. (Well, other than Linda, noone is tall enough to have their breast at that level.)(-Ooooh? Boy George?-)

I free you, Mancunian slave...Go wash the elephant or fan Rihanna or do something else that justifies your daily chickpea.

"Great! I hope you will croak" in a foreign language at the start of PP. I haven't got a clue what they're saying. Nor do I care one bit.

("well, that was helpful.")

And the doctor looked at my ears two weeks ago. ("nobody cares") They did hurt a bit ("Great") but that's only because I had a sore throat.

(what are you waiting for? - well no, I'm finished.)

good news for everybody: the rain has stopped. it's technically possible to leave the house and the computer.

:-)

I said possible, not compulsory.

Kill 'em with love? Not possible I'm afraid. (What was that about a "wicked ouah ouah"?)

So those Slits were like Ludus, but with a singer, not a lethargically hysterical voiceless mouse behind the mike without the excuse of throat cancer to sing in such a bland and feeble way? Kinda? And more girlies?

(What? They were, weren't they?)

...

Well it's not my fault if I notice things... :-(

I still can't get my head around it: why is it that when you stop caring about people, they start caring about you?
I've had a few examples lately (in real life, real people, not talking about zombies, lol) ; why do people have to wait so long to show you you matter?

And I may not be the most serene person in the world, but I swear the very few male friends I have are all pms bitches. But when I frown, lo and behold, here comes the "I'm sorry, I know I've disappointed you, can we talk about it?" email. Straightaway. They always behave with me as if they didn't have a girlfriend. But they do. It's just embarrassing. They're just supposed to be friends and they can never manage that. It's like they're permanently confused.

Fuck this, I'm too old for this shit and I'm ok by myself...

Sadly I also like a very emotionally stable guy I've just met. He's been nothing but nice. He has a girlfriend. So a bloke can be nice to me, and simultenaously have a girlfriend. So it can be done? lol.

I soon as I knew he had a girlfriend I stopped myself from crush-developing. It's easy enough, and it's just respectful to draw the line. I can do that. There's enough confusion in the world. Why add any?

Now, I'm beginning to realize the rub with being an old maid, is that blokes you only and clearly view as friends yourself but who are the insecure type seemingly CAN'T help subconciously seeing you as a spare wheel in the boot. In case the girlfriend has a breakdown or something.

It's not friendship, it's mechanics, and I'm not interested. I am being confused with a permanently available hairy garageman. It's unpleasant and degrading.

Jayzus. Why can't people just be good pets?

If you fancy a quiet halloween in, the perfect choice. All you need to watch it is a comfortable sofa, a very good male mate an a (supposedly) feminist best mate...

(-It's women that want labradors)(lol)

  zombiedog...mmm...costume idea :-k

There's probably something like, what, 267.3 celebrities for every tiger left on earth?

The tigers are bound to lose soon...And celebrities need an awful lot of space and resources to survive... They're a menace to a lot of other species...Couldn't we just put them all in a zoo or something?

Well I don't like zoos either, but let's face it folks, the world is in a terrible state and can't afford the population growth of celebrities at the moment. Yes, they're cuddly, yes they're cute; still: they don't have quite the same feelings and intelligence as us, do they?