Ego,dead end,trust Issues,I push divine intervention away? Hmmmm maybe.. Ok.. I'll think about it. ok so I got lost.. I need the will to make a come back. is all. How do I open my heart. which special key do I need!? Mom I have a constant battle with myself. It all just got fucked up! I hate how my life turned out. till now. but I do have hope.. Good thing I have not lost that.. and the will to live.. Life and living is just that special. Good thing I have expirienced that much..The beauty of it all.Good thing I am not blind to atleast, creation.

I hate change! and although it is a beautiful morning.. I find myself lost in desperation. WHY!?
Many wonder about their circumstances.. I am one of them.
I have to accept that I, am human too!

I feel better then ever my mind is clear Yet, It all can go to hell!, in a second.

Yet all I want is to love and be loved.

what the fuck happened!? I totally sterred wrong or blew my chance. Not intentionally but I was taken with the freaken Hurricane!

Ok ok ok
I need to just go with it now.. which I am.....

Calm calm calm...

Sighs!

3
2
1
....~~~~~~~~~~~.........~~~~~~............Done.

:)

I hope that I can keep conected with my journal this way.
I am so happy to see that is did not all just go into the air.Words words words,time time time... As many things in my crazy life have. Sometimes this all just seems so unreal. I'm talking about life.. No wonder Morrissey once said in one of his lyrics.. Something about he wanted to kick them in the eye. haha
I'll remember later and end up playing the song.
Oh! Heaven Knows I'm Misserable now.
lol I can be so dramatic just as well!
:) Life goes on.
Thank you very much to the Solo team for holding onto to all my life and maddness!;)

Change..

As I sit here.. I thought about what has made me Happy In my life..
I have had such a complicated life.
Lived so much at the wrong tme.
So much that I quite often am in shabbles @=*/
Which has not all been a bad thing.
I feel that I can take and have took a lot.
Im grateful.Yet a tad resentful.
I have learned that, I honestly have loved and have been loved by many.
Yet, where is it that I want to be.
This is still so confusing to me.
I have often advised that it is a good thing to have goals.
As many as you can dream of.
I suppose I am still on time to Prevail!
lol
well atleast I hope that!
I still end up careing more for the ones around me.. I ask myself why?
Well I recall a time when I was a kid. Oh around 8 or 9...
I recall seeing my momma cry as she sat in the back patio.i could not help Nor did she want my help. she just wanted to be alone.
I knew her dog had gotten ran over and died.
All I wanted to do was hug her.
Later in life I found out it was a lot more personal and that although she was sad about Mimi.. She was also down hearted by many other problems.
That for some reason made a huge impact on me. I did not want to see her so sad.
Her little pretty face was so blue.
I have always been a sucker to see people cry. I get gutsy and want to be a Hero.
I have many a times.
But then as I think of this. and learned the truth about what I seen in my mommas blue sobbing little face.
I have tended to stop being as careing. Yet,I lived my life for others and honestly.. I became me. All confused wrapped in a little shell and useing my energy for all to come take!
So take take take!
I guess this is unconditional love.
All I need is Love.
Yet, I became a Marter.I forgot that in order to be satisfied with me.. I must do for myself first.
That is such a hard thing for me to do!
Maybe I felt I did not deserve to be Happy?
Now all the Drama has passed. I am a full grown Mature Women..
To put it nicely!
I feel I have done all I wanted.I do not ask for much.

Now.. I must help myself..
Be a good example at my mature age.
See I have family.
I have married raised kids. worked, helped others.
Been happy been loved Been clueless to a lot. I walked walked walked looking for thoes in need..
I have always had an amount of moral.
So now the martering must stop.
I must be brave and willing to see why I deserve to be happy to.
See when it came to me personally.
I have always put myself last.
I sort of felt I deserved it.
So, I am going back to understand myself.
If I know so many wonderful people.. Why is it that when I do see them progress I worry about me.
I do feel proud to have been there for so many and not for myself.Yet I did this instinctly.
I know that I did good for them.
I have always tended to suffer for the sake of another.
I shall prevail!
Even if I have to be doing this from my rocking chair in front of my porch!;)
After all some head forward & march! and some I guess walk backwards as a crab as I.. OK so I have managed to turn it around. Now I can see where I am going. and what I want to do.
Soooo!
Be strong Marisela.
You can do it!
Nike!, Says so!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
:)
it is almost February of 2011! Wow! :)

I'm not the only going through life this way.. All everybody wants is to be happy.
To be Happy.
Now what would make me Happy..
What do I want to do so as to be happy.
and How can I achieve it with all I know..
Because honestly..
I do not have much time.
But If I savor the moment?
Hmm Maybe just maybe I can still get a tad;)
I am all for it!
If this also makes others around me happy.
and I know that many see it this way . For my own good.
Hugs and Love to the world! and the ones I know and love.
I sometimes feel I want to burst!
I still have you in my mind.
Is it wrong?

Amasing , Yet another Year.
2011
Happy New Year.

Being put to the Test. I have been very patient as of now something that I am learning is that I am worth being patient with myself. With my work and my effect with people. I was raised in a very fashionable place. Always something happening. Quite an adventure. Now I have decided that I can take life and move with it,which I am happy about.I see How the world is at this moment I can see and understand our politics about it. Yet I still have to much inbetween to learn about..
So I shall set goals.

Patients is the key word for me this yr. It seems a little to quiet.
Yet, I have to learn.
Patients with myself.
Patient with the ones I love.
patients with the people I meet.
patients at finishing what I start.
Or where I left off.
Patients to Stop, Look ,and Listen.
Patients In my Brain!?! hahaha

Yeah , I guess It all comes back to me.

Our Economy is pretty bad here in Cali.
Many are still losing their jobs.. Yet they say here is a place where there will be many jobs for you! Yet, you have to have have a degree!? haha Ok I am nooooo maker of horse shoes either.. Haha that sounds like fun!
Anyhow, we try to get by..Times are pretty crazy.

well I started doing Tai Chi It's actually great!
I love it.
and tonight I am going to a meditation class. Infinity is the name.
I like that.
But I really have to get to the Tai Chi class on Saturday mornings.
as they say you shall be there when the time is right.
Life happens, that is for sure.
I best get myself going I could actually write so much. But it would be a Book! I am well happy and can just love I am willing and able:)

Happy Fall Marisela!

Patients. Love. Peace. Faith. Hope...
Yeah, right on!

monday Monday!

First day to another Chapter in my life.. I just want to say Thank you for the good times and the better times to come will fly us by . So I want to make the best of it... And Yes I shall try to be kinder and gentler to myself..

I am fine I am trying to be as happy as I can. I still am not where I want to be or am EXPECTED to be in society. Yet, I have lots and lots of love which yes my mom was right about that.. We may not live off a pretty face as she thought about my father... But you can surely believe that if you are a good person you will always have windows and doors open to you..
I love so many in my life.I shall make the best of it because of that just one person.. I am a believer!

Salud! Ooops!"I need a Drink" haha

Let the right one slip in*

I thank the Heavens, God, The Sun, The Moon and The Stars! Amen.I have had a good life. Now what ?? Hmm Well I am ready for more! Next Chapter!
It is my birthday today! I am actually ok with it..
I guess life does and can get better.. So Ok I am now ready for anything and everything!
Thanks to the famous 3!
and so many that I love respect and care for.
many have made this day a special on dispite the distance.
I Love you!

I Love this gloomy night
As I stand outside on the patio I feel
The wind as it flows to my face I look up to see the gloomy night and I see the huge trees that surround me I feel our wonderful California Fall then,I see a light that the nice lady across leaves on all night to feel her need .I see how it shines on the leaves of the huge trees .Oh it just made me sigh at it's beauty. I am thankful for such beauty.
It is Fall. :)

Wow I had to! The lyrics in this song is so familiar to me.

a car goes by and i see your face
a strangers face in the window
and i wish it was you
im in a room
its a crowded room
a friend walks up to say hello
and i wish it was you
cause every memory that haunts my mind
is just another reason why

(i wish it was you) a phone ring in the middle of the night
a doorbell in the broad daylight
a letter in the mail that i come home to
(i wish it was you) when i see two people on the street
touchin' like they dont care who sees
laughin' the way we used to do
i wish it was you

ill meet someone who could be the one
but soemthin' always happens
before the night is through
theres that certain look and that certain smile
theres that old familiar pattern
and i wish it was you
tellin' me that you'll be back someday
and i dont have to feel this way

(i wish it was you) a phone ring in the middle of the night
a doorbell in the broad daylight
a letter in the mail that i come home to
(i wish it was you) when i see two people on the street
touchin' like they dont care who sees
laughin' the way we used to do
i wish it was me and i wish it was you

(i wish it was you) a phone ring in the middle of the night
a doorbell in the broad daylight
a letter in the mail that i come home to
(i wish it was you) when i see two people on the street
laughin' like they dont care who sees
touchin' the way we used to do
i wish it was me and i wish it was you

I suppose I want to be in love again. Is that to much to ask for. Crazy life of mine..