will discuss my month long trip later...

i have been here 6 days, its starting to really affect me
its not just a thinking thing, its a feeling thing
it can be painful, but also wonderful
ive had some great times in rotorua
am back in auckland for the day now
and then i head out to the south island for 10 or 11 days tomorrow
i am anxious and excited about this all @ once
i feel really connected to a that sense of "other" here or god or spirit or whatever you want to call it
now if i could just sustain getting out of my narcissistic sense of self a little more
then i could just simply "be"
this terrifies "the small me"
but i feel there is "a bigger me" which includes & transcends "little me"
connected to all and everything
id like to take that back from here when i go home
that and well:

1. spend $ to get a membership at a gym(this body of mine could be so much better again)
2. phase out drinking completely, even at work, which likely means finding work that does not involves bars or clubs
3. find a psychotherapist i trust(& can afford) to see once a week once i get back...

ps: moz should take a trip here and do some shows!

i just showed Andi the film "Atonement"
god, did it make me think of Tina!
& what could(or could i) do no now to attone for my crimes?
it matters to no one else but me
buts gods do i want to know!
sure, i am off to nz, but all i can think of is her!
will she ever speak to me?
i never know...

music: If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It by Snow Patrol
mood: sleepy & sad

just finished watching the film called "The Notebook"
it was great, but it made me cry
its ending is exactly what is supposed to happen in 2 people's lives
but that just does not happen for some of us, does it?
funny how some fall out of love so easily, while some of us do not
nite solo, man i wanna drink, but i gave it up for Lent...

music: Shame Is the Name BY Morrissey (on repeat til i sleep)
mood: fucked up

ok, so 'the myth of Tina' has come back to haunt me with a power and intensity i had forgotten was so intense!
fuck i want to smoke, but i wont
this recent episode started with planning for my trip to NZ
@ some point i considered what pornography if any i might take with me for you know, those lonely nights on my own
in the end i decided on none
however, at some point i printed out all new wonderful colored photos of Tina
sick, i know, but still, nothing and no one can arouse my ardor like her image or the sound of her voice
but was i done punishing myself there?
of course not
i finally watched the video of our renewal from 2003
the emotions i felt while watching it were so intense
words really cannot describe
the feeling of love in me still, the longing for her, the heartbreak, god its so fucking intense
this is supposed to fade
but it does not for me
i burn for her, like i did from the moment i 1st saw her
i hurt with all the intensity as when she 1st left me
honestly?
loving Tina is still the only thing in my entire life i am 100% certain i was meant to do
how long i railed against this when we were together
because i really felt like it was forced on me
but what such a lovely thing it was to have forced on me!
yet, i only surrendered to it, to her, to my love for her
once she was gone
years and years and years now
how many more shall i live with this?
am i doomed to be like that character in the film "The Reader"?
i think so
the doom of love!

Tina, the bait of my loins, the balm of my imagination, my torment, my tonic, my fever, my curse, forever will I ache for her...

music: P,P,PLMGWIW by The Dream Academy
mood: morose

its too bad i was real dick back in 06/07 there
cuz the people then were a much better lot than most of the moz fans that lurk there now
many are particularly good at outwardly showing niceness, but in personal messages are real bad dudes
or others are like a mad pack of wild beasts
maybe Moz saw all this years ago when he wrote the site off?
i dont know, but i can see it more now

;[
moving on, in real life we had one tough nite at the bar!
this crazy violent mental patient came in, attacked a customer, had to be restrained by 3 of us til the cops came
and i think he hurt the knee of one our bartenders
as for me, i have to get legally involved to make sure this scum stays off the streets

:-O
i really dont want to, but if i dont, nobody else will, will they?
nope, not in this horrible world of ours...

music: Bic Runga's album "Beautiful Collision"
mood: eating

yesterday i bought my non-refundable round trip ticket to NZ for the month of March
anybody live down there?
or has visited it?
i have family to stay with, but i plan on hiking a bit around it too
&
i promise not to stalk Bic

;-D

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bic_Runga/

last nite i posted this:

Gary or Little G as he is called
he just woke me up with his plaintive meowing
i am beginning to know the difference in his kind of meows
this one is not a meow for food
or for his litter box to be cleaned
this one is his 'lonely cat wail'
usually i meow back to him when he does this
i mean few know that meow better than me
but not this time, i am bit tired
so i just put him down next to my bed, petted him
and well, he went back to sleep
waking and sleeping come easy to him
lucky cat, i will try again in a little bit to get back to sleep
luckily i do not have work til 3pm so i'll be fine
one thing about the bar biz is late starts make shit like this easy for me
another thought, i suppose Little G misses his terrible 'owner'
well, the man may be a horror and a crazy cokehead, in my opinion, but he was nice to the cat i guess
which is kind of like having the bad guy in a film petting a dog
its way to show that even the evil are human
this evil man in particular i must still see on weekly basis @ work & he says he shall return for 'his cat'
i fear for the cat if he does
he is just the kind of bastard to take Little G away just to leave him to die somewhere alone in the cold
but hey, that decision is not up to me
just like it wasnt for the monster who brought Little G to stay here in the 1st place
enough about that though
more importantly, what is to be done about Little G's plaintive wailing?
another cat could be gotten
how safe would that be though
Little G is probably safer alone
but arent we all?

music: Lover I Don't Have to Love BY Bright Eyes
mood: rested

nice restie day, made 2 meals, wasted time on solo
watched a movie, and only have 2 or 3 more episodes to watch of 'True Blood' it aint as a good 'Dexter'(but what is?) still, i likes it
and shit, that Lizzy Caplan who plays Jason's gf looks a lot like Zooey Deschanel(i.e. freakin gorgeous)
but she's bad news man, Jason cant handle that scene, you know?
anyways another day of rest tomorrow, maybe DG 2morrow night, will see
after all, i aint got work til 3pm on Tuesday...

music: I LOVE XMAS by Tommy heavenly6
mood: fine now, me eating

i miss my dad a lot on xmas, i think the pic is from 1975 maybe?
some other background 1st:

my mom dragged me out of the house she and my dad had on my 5th birthday, its taken me a long time to re-forgive* her for that, after all, if i cannot forgive her, how can i ever forgive my exWife for what she did?

ok back on topic, that 5th bday was in 1977, and i did not see my dad til my mom let me on xmas eve, he made sure to see me on both my next b-day and xmas in 1978, then he took a job in Iran, building a refinery for the Shah of Iran(no one knew he was about to leave, the Shah i mean), but he(my dad) promised to get time off for my b-day and xmas
well, all hell broke loose in Iran that year, the Shah was overthrown, the American embassy was stormed, hostages taken, and my dad was one of the many americans who simply went missing, but Ross Perot was on top of things i later found out, doing his best to get his people out and making it easier for other american companies to do the same, he deserves a lot of love for this i think, but thats another story
anyways, that year, my dad missed my b-day, i didnt even know if he was alive or dead actually, then i sent Santa a christmas card, but even at 7 i thought it would be a bit presumptuous to ask Santa to bring him home for xmas, especially given that other kids were missing their folks trapped in Iran too, but i did ask him to send a present from my dad and prayed to God to let me know he was still alive.
well, i got both that xmas eve or xmas day 1979 i dont remember which, a delivery guy, maybe from DHL? rang the doorbell and had a package for me from it said 'Santa'
it was a 'Death Star'!
my dad had arranged sending it from Zurich 1st thing when he had landed there a day or 2 before and that night i talked to him ever so briefly on the phone, he could not talk long, he had to be debriefed by the state department, they wanted to know all about what had happened and Fluor(the company he worked for?) or whoever he was working for wanted to know about the refinery he had been helping to design and build.**
but still, i got to talk to him and cried and cried and cried, i told how much i missed him, he cried and missed me too, so yeah, xmas is hard every year without him, its been over 7 years now without him
A brain tumor destroyed most of his frontal lobe in late Feb of 2001 and i turned off the life support on March 1st 2001, he was only 53, still that day gets easier to handle actually, but not Christmas...

*=some times we forgive people, change our minds about it and have to 're-forgive'
**=the site was actually destroyed during a fierce battle of the Iran-Iraq war