I went.... I saw...... I dove...... St. Lucia came off without a hitch and it's a really lovely place......
being in the sun, sand and saltwater is something I find a necessity - it recharges me...... I crave it a few times a year..... and this is from someone who shunned the beach for many many years......
I did 2 dives...... no problem :)
One was a wreck - really cool - and it was shallow at 70 ft - great intro to wrecks since they can look kinda freaky and daunting.

but I've been back a week and it all seems like a dream already......
and i can't help but feel a bit underwhelmed by the whole thing.... it went by so fast I feel like we never left......
at least I've got a tan to show for it....... oh well.....

I'm in the midst of having my place painted........ we finally decided to just hire someone to do it because Mr. Lost - while able and willing - just doesn't have the time or commitment to do it. It would've taken us weeks to complete..... if you hire someone, 2 days of messiness (and my god, is there a lot of mess, I was totally unprepared for the amount of dust and dropcloths and footprints) and then it's be done.
They've only done 2 of the 4 rooms - and already, I feel like we've got a whole new condo now - it's amazing what a coat of paint can do.
But then again, I'm not very good at picking paint colors..... I had aimed for two similar colors for our bedroom and bathroom...... the two colors were a taup-y brown and a browny-taupe type deals..... I now have a bedroom and bathroom that look exactly the same..... so much for subtle differences.
If you sort of stand half in the bathroom and half in the bedroom and swing back and forth between the rooms, they ARE a bit different.....
ah well.....

none of that is very interesting.... but it's all I've got.....

I'm happy that Obama got the nomination.... I'm very pro-Obama..... but then again, i base my like and dislike of candidates based on gut feeling..... and my gut gives Obama a 'yay.'
(there's a campaign slogan for ya...)
I wanted to like Clinton, I did..... but something just didn't sit right. my gut gave Clinton a 'nay.'
But then again, I do that to most people I come in contact with - I need about half an hour or less even, to get a gut feeling about someone and I'm 99% right on.... I've met people whom everyone in my social circle raved about and I thought - nope - and sure enough, the same people who were raving were complaining a few months later..... and vice versa.....
so there's my scientific character study methods.... revealed.....
well anyway, mr. lost shook Obama's hand one time, when he was running for senator (a few weeks ago ;) it seems) so he's like our friend or something......
that's right......

I had heard that Eddie Izzard does a meet & greet after his shows - signs some autographs, takes a picture or two, etc. All one has to do is wait around after his show for a while and he emerges.....
I did not have tickets to his Thursday night show... I had tickets to his Friday night show... but Thursday, I started toying with the idea of going down and trying to get a picture and also, to give him a little gift..... people have made T-shirts for the Moz so I had made one for Eddie..... furthermore, I knew that my brother and Mr. Lost would not want to wait around to catch a glimpse of the man when we all went to the Friday night show so I thought, what better time to get to meet him than Thursday night, after the show?
I packed my "stalker" bag - camera, 2 different Eddie DVD's, sharpie marker, gun, flashlight, the T-Shirt I made..... you know, the usual ;)
I drove downtown listening to Boyracer full blast......
Well, i found a group of people waiting and joined them..... I large security guard came out a few times and counted us..... then Eddie emerged - but unfortunately, he didn't do any personalized signatures or pictures, instead, he did a Q&A with everyone all together and that was it.... I of course, could not think of a single thing to ask, so I just stood there smiling like an idiot..... and also, i was too shy to give him my t-shirt in front of everyone, so whatever. I did get a picture...
and Friday night's show was 'the dog's bollocks' so all in all, a good time despite my complete failure as a stalker......
The T-shirt will get tossed onstage in San Francisco.... that's the best I can do...... maybe he'll get it, maybe he won't....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

speaking of purse contents..... there was a distinct moment when I realized I carry a really freaking wierd collection of crap in my purse.... and that moment was when I went to the courthouse to collect my little brother's driver's license for him...... I had to pass through the metal detector and then I had to open my purse..... the officer looked very confused....... I had all the normal stuff, wallet, keys, lipstick, hairclips - but then I also had wood glue...... (I had bought it to fix a crack in my dining room table but then decided that I don't know how to fix a crack in a table and I'll just make it worse, so I had meant to go back to the store and return the wood glue - so I kept it in my purse for about a month and then just threw it out) and duct tape.... he didn't want to let me through with the wood glue - apparently it can be used to make a bomb or something.....
then recently, I've noticed myself getting nervous going to the grocery store because I always have an apple + 1 other fruit in my purse..... one day, they will claim I've stolen the fruit..... so before I enter the grocery store, I have to make sure my purse is fruit-free...... I must de-fruit my purse.....
I just took a peek now and I have a cpr mouth kit in there..... an apple.... a plastic ziplock bag (empty)... a ticket stub and a packet of green tea.....
I'm such a pack rat......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tomorrow's the big day for our Moz and I won't be around to post birthday wishes so, to Morrissey - may your birthday be happy and may this year bring you much joy, peace and success!! Happy.... er,what is it now? 49? :)

I went out and bought myself a squeaky new pair of flip-flops (they're so nice when they're new - so puffy, so full, so clean). I also went out and got myself a cheapy watch.... but it's an ADVENTURE watch - it's all black with a thick canvas velcro strap and it can go underwater down to 50 meters, which will come in handy because I've booked a trip.... st. lucia, here we come.....
I wanted to find a place where we can dive again because I've realized that since our last diving trip (which was coincidentally our first diving trip) I think I have post traumatic stress disorder..... seriously....... full description of events can be read in old entry - but basically, i went too deep...... i knew I wasn't ready to go that deep, but no one really stops you and it was supposed to be a really easy dive, but let's just say I experienced nitrogen narcosis and it freaked the shit out of me...... so that now, when I think about it, I panic..... I can completely go back to that place and time and I can feel exactly how I felt.... I can get into a physical state that feels almost like what it felt like..... and I start imagining what *could've* happened had I lost consciousness or if someone knocked my regulator out of my mouth (I probably wouldn't have been able to follow emegency procedures in that state), etc. etc.
I start imagining how deep that was...... how much deeper that hole went...... how much heavy water was above me....... how, the deeper you are, the easier you sink, and there was nothing under me... I can see myself in the deep dark water with only a hose and mouthpiece providing air and the environment around, well, you might as well be lost in space..... i think that was part of the problem - you see, I'm kinda claustrophobic, and darkness makes it feel more constricting.... that same depth in the big blue would probably be nothing, but add darkness and you've got panic.....
the fact that I left Mr. Lost and just took off - I panicked..... I feel disappointed in myself.
I can get my mind into this weird mode and if I do that, I feel like I won't go diving ever again. and apart from that one incident, it was really amazing...... so I have to push myself and i have to go again..... but this time, I'm going to wear more than just a swimsuit and I'm not going to go that deep for a long long time......
it probably sounds like nothing, but it was quite something to me....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My brother's wife is pregnant and I have (stupidly) offered to have the baby shower at my place...... I thought it would be nice...... plus I have the space for it...... but now I'm regretting it. 20-some odd ladies of all ages on a Sunday afternoon (many bringing their kids with them because apparently, their husbands aren't keen on watching their own offspring, even for a few hours - or so I'm told) is not exactly a cracking ole time...... but what can I do?
I'm awful at these types of things..... I never know what to do, say, what to serve...... especially when I realized that I won't know many of these people since they're friends of the sister-in-law.....
I had high hopes - in my mind, I thought I'd put on a pretty dress and set out hors d'oeuvres with red manicured nails while sipping on a mimosa from a delicate champagne flute......

I don't have champagne flutes.....

or a pretty dress.......

I can manage the nails though...... that's definitely doable...... they're red about half of the time anyways......

so poker...... pretty fun......
I've watched Hold 'Em poker on tv and thought it was interesting and then it's been sprouting up everywhere in the last few years..... this past Friday, I decided I would actually sit down and play..... Mr. Lost printed out 2 sheets for me - describing what hands mean what - from the strongest to the weakest - and I was ready to go..... and then one of the guys pointed out that they'd know what I had based on which page of my printout I was looking at.....
I re-wrote all the hands on the back and then I also wrote down the chip colors and what they meant.....
It was actually a lot of fun.... I was holding my own and then I lost it all - but I lost with a decent hand, so you can't feel too bad there..... i made a good call but i just wasn't good enough.
In the second game of the night - guess who stole everyone's chips? yup.... me.....
except the reason I won was that one of the eliminated guys was the dealer..... and he sat next to me (re-filling my quickly empty wine glass every so often)..... well, the dealer was letting me know which hands I should play and which hands I should lay down.....
let me tell you - it's SO much easier to play when you know you have a strong hand......
I DID feel guilty though, but whatever..... we weren't playing for money or anything so it's not like it mattered.... plus, I never asked for his help, he just took it upon himself to make a little nod or a small shake of his head.....

I wanna see how good I do on my own next time.....

and again with the wine..... as I mentioned, my *cup runneth over* as it were, since I was well taken care of in the refill department, but why do I feel guilty for drinking? the next day, I awoke in a small panic, first of all, because I was sure everyone knew I had been cheating and second, because I easily consumed double the alcohol that everyone else had consumed...... did they even notice?
I had to be reassured that I didn't say anything inappropriate or act stupid and only then did I start to let the previous evening slowly wear off......
i mean, I've known these people for years so no matter WHAT I could've said or done, they wouldn't judge, yet I still worry......

so there's my confession - I cheated at cards this weekend......
there....
I feel better. you can take the girl out of the pew.......

on to hybrid cars......
here's my beef....... DISCLAIMER**** I know not of what I speak - these are just the opinions of the most dangerous kind of person, the kind that knows a little about a lot of things but doesn't really know a whole lot******* but here's what I think.....
I like the idea that everyone's jumping on this hybrid car bandwagon - that's great. I like the idea that maybe, just maybe, Americans are giving up their love affair with the huge fuck off SUV's of the world..... that's great as well.
HOWEVER, a hybrid car still uses gas and still polutes and is not that much better than a regular gas car. For example, my car (a Toyota Corolla) gets roughly 37-38 mpg on the highway..... The hybrid toyota prius gets around 56 mpg on the highway - so 20 miles more per gallon. Sure - that's better. However, you still need to use gas, you have to drive differently than you normally do to see the increase. My friends have a hybrid car and they say they don't get a huge increase in gas mileage unless they drive slow, don't accelerate too quickly, etc. basically, performance goes down to get the gas mileage.
meanwhile, hydrogen cars are looking to be THE answer...... they don't use ANY gasoline, (do they use oil?? I don't even know), their only exhaust is water, their performance is even better than a gas car and their fuel (hydrogen) is readily available and abundant.... and hydrogen uses up no resources to make(like ethanol does).
The problem? they can't sell hydrogen cars until there are hydrogen stations and they can't build the stations until there are enough cars to warrant them..... a catch 22......
so my thing is this - instead of focusing time, effort and resources producing hybrid cars, we should really be producing hydrogen cars.....
but how??
so here's my political dilemma of the week that's been rattling around in my brain......
I think Norway is building some hydrogen stations.... and California too.....
is there something I'm missing about hydrogen cars? why aren't they being produced already?
like I said - I don't really know what I'm talking about here and I'm willing to learn if there's something I'm missing..... but i just think, if they could start getting the cars out there and start with just a few stations around the metro areas, maybe people would start buying these cars. for me, 100% of my driving is within 30 miles...... i never use my car for roadtrips - we rent a car for those rare occasions.....

I dunno......
and i'm not saying all of this because of the gas prices going up because personally, I don't think the price of gas is very high, it's just that it rose so quickly. It has more than tripled in the last 6 years - so I'm not crying about the price being high per se, it's the rate at which it went up which is causing a lot of hurt to people - especially people who were confident in buying their huge fuck off SUV and living 30 miles away from their work..... so yeah, gas prices is one thing, but more importantly, the environment..... i mean, the shift in the air quality from everyone switching to hydrogen would be awesome (in the true sense of the word).....

shake your bootie..... shake your bootie...... er.... i've no idear who sings that.....

I was reading about how San Francisco is due for an earthquake soon and my first thought was, 'I hope it doesn't happen when I'm there!' (following right behind my thought last week of 'I hope my airline doesn't go bankrupt before my flight!').

yesterday, mr. lost's car wouldn't start at lunchtime & it wouldn't start after work either. I had to crawl thru miles of construction to pick him up after I left work... when I got there, we tried to jump his car. i popped open my hood and attached my side of the cables, he popped open his hood and attached his side of the cables. Nada..... nofink.
Now I may have mentioned my car has 'quirks' and one of these is that when you pop the hood, and try to slam it back closed, it won't latch. You've got to yank on a line to re-set the hood popping mechanism and then the hood will latch closed. Well, in the latest thing wrong with my car, this yank-y pull-y thing no longer works. My hood now will not latch completely closed. It's mostly closed, you have to actually still release it, but it's not latched closed completely. I'm wondering what the chances are that it'll pop open on the highway..... they used to always show us, back in Driver's Ed, what to do if your hood should open while you're driving. i used to think, come on, what are the chances of that happening??
well, at least I know what to do......
my car is an endless succession of crap falling off, yet it won't die..... It's become sort of a marvel - a game of "What will happen next?"

anyways..... early this morning, I was awoken (and I sleep like the dead so this was strange in itself) and I could've sworn the bed was shaking. I groggily looked at my alarm clock and I saw the red numbers moving back and forth. I also heard a crunching sound, like tires on gravel..... I tried to wake up, and yes, the bed was shaking. it was actually moving back and forth about 2 inches. Then it stopped.
oh my god - it's a fucking ghost! i thought to myself. either it's a ghost or someone's drilling - maybe the utility company's outside, drilling.... and then it happened again. the bed was shaking.
I went to the window to see if there were any utility trucks outside, I heard the beep beep of a reversing truck somewhere in the distance.... I ran to the living room (running straight into my couch and knocking it a few inches). Peering out the front windows, nothing......
so I've got - ghost, someone drilling or earthquake. or our building is falling down. either way, i'm going back to sleep. (notice - i'm the one checking out the bumps in the night).

This morning I learned that there was in fact an earthquake - a 5.2...... cool :) I'm a fan of things like tornadoes, earthquakes, etc. as long as no one gets killed and major damage isn't done. They break up the monotony of what life has become.....

Around 10:15 at work, there was an aftershock that everyone could feel at their desks but I missed that one - I was outside on a smoking break with my friend (I quit - but I still go on smoking breaks) and we didn't feel anything out there.

in other news, I just 'discovered' (much like christopher columbus v. america) a band - and right after I decided I loved them completely I found out that they, not only have already broken up, but that this album I so liked was their only album (apart from a single). The Organ is/was their name. They were on my suggestion list on i-Tunes and usually, i-Tunes feels that I have crap taste in music. They usually suggest awful awful stuff because I tend to only get songs on i-Tunes that i wouldn't normally purchase. If I really like someone, I'll go out and buy the physical album. Also, I tend to get a lot of stuff I can workout/run to, so my "Just for You" section is pretty scary. But they got me this time.....

I was at a red light this morning when I felt a yawn coming on...... I always cover my mouth when I yawn, I've noticed, even when no one's around...... I just can't really let it all out without covering my mouth..... but this morning, holding the steering wheel with one hand and my mug of green tea with the other (I hate green tea by the way - I'm only drinking it because *supposedly* it performs miracles but I have to say - I'm on my 3rd box now, of drinking it every morning, and I'm not seeing anything extremely wonderful happening - I thought I'd be all a-glow by now or some such crap, but nada..... and i still don't like the taste) so yeah, I had to yawn and I just did it without covering my mouth since I had no free hands. mid-yawn, somewhere around the point where people make that yelling-yawning noise, I look over at the car next to me and see a guy staring right at me...... as the light turned green and he drove away I wanted to explain - hey man, normally I cover my mouth when i yawn.... seriously..... sorry........ well, YOU SHOULDN'T BE LOOKING then!

but I guess I can be kinda prissy.....

I was talking to my sister about comedians - I went to see Jerry Seinfeld this weekend (it's like the year of the comedian for me - no concerts, just comedy gigs this year) and he was pretty good - but I had heard much of his show previously somehow - even though I haven't seen him anywhere in a while. But anyways, me and my sister were on the phone while I was online looking for upcoming tickets to our local comedy club and we were talking about comedians we like and I mentioned someone (can't remember his name) that I thought was good a while back and recently saw him again and all he was doing was fart jokes now.
(giggles on the other end of the phone)
what did I say?
(more giggles)
that he's doing fart jokes?
(stifled laughter)
"It's just hearing you say 'fart jokes'" my sister sputters out between laughs....
apparently, when I say it, it's amusing......

perhaps I am a bit proper about stuff sometimes..... I don't do it on purpose.....

i guess from now on I'll just say "bathroom humor"?? but that almost sounds even more awkward...... "bodily function humor"??
I think it just sounds funny no matter how I say it.....

Easter...... I spent my easter engaging heavily in one of the deadly sins (how appropriate) - gluttony. My god, I haven't eaten that much in months...... it started with a late breakfast at my mom's including 3 pieces of cake (I had to try them all you see) and then we left my mom's and went right into an episode of the Royle Family (aka - the in-law's) where we sat on the couch, watching TV for the next FOUR hours..... in Spanish no less (in-laws don't speak English and spend a lot of time watching the Spanish channels - I used to think it was strange but I suppose if they aren't going to understand it, it doesn't matter what language it's in and at least the Spanish station plays a nice variety of programs compared to the American non-cable channels).
Mother-in-law (smoking like a chimney), father-in-law, grandfather-in-law, Mr. Lost and me..... all jammed onto couches that are way too big for the little family room... but there we sat.... sometimes quiet, sometimes chit chatting.... mother-in-law said to make ourselves some coffee so I put on some water for me and mr. lost. then granpa-in-law wanted some, then father-in-law...... then we had some more cake (so these are pieces 4 and 5 for me - if anyone's counting) and then an hour later, getting hungry after all the non-moving we were doing, the mother-in-law brought out more food, more eggs, tea, salad, etc. and layed it all out on the coffee table... so this was dinner I suppose... sister-in-law and her boyfriend came in to say hello, watched us for a few minutes and then disappeared. about an hour after that, sister-in-law called on the phone asking for Mr. Lost....... where was she calling from? UPSTAIRS....... yeah...... she needed help with something....... so Mr. Lost disappeared for an hour while me and the in-laws continued watching the building of the chunnel........ in Spanish....... when that ended an eternity later, they changed it over to one of those reality-housing-swap type shows where they send the family on vacation and remodel their house while they're gone...... watching this show with them was just horrific for me as they kept jumping to incorrect conclusions.......
"oh the family doesn't know about it.... it's a surprise."
no - they know about it - they registered for the show and they're watching the progress via clips sent to them.
"oh, here they come now into their new home!"
no - they're just getting a special suite at the hotel.
"how can they build a whole house in a week?"
"how do they get rid of all their stuff?"
"what about the taxes now - they won't be able to pay them on the new house."
"how could they live in such an ugly house to begin with - they have able bodied sons who should be building this"
"who's paying for all this stuff?"
"how do you get on a show like this anyway?"

aaaaaaarrrrggggggg......

these are the days of our lives.........
I was so full and so sleepy and so sick of breathing in the cigarette smoke from the smoking chimney over there that i started kicking mr. lost at some point...... of course, at times like these, he never gets what I'm trying to tell him or worst of all, he'll say something like, "What are you kicking me for?" or "what is it?" out loud and then everyone turns to me as I stammer out, nothing..... I was just stretching *big smile* and then when they turn back to the TV I shoot daggers at mr. lost.
sometimes he does this on purpose......
but at any rate, since I've quit smoking, I've found that I actually can't stand it..... funny how that works......
I'm one of those people whom I used to despise - the people who complain about the smoke........ I used to think, aw, shut up - it's not THAT bad..... and now, it really bugs me. But I don't say anything because I don't want to BE that person. and also, mother-in-law scares me. she will just say, 'oh, you can't be serious' and proceed to puff away.
And actually, one or two cigarette's don't bother me - or someone smoking in the car doesn't bother me.... at a nightclub, it doesn't bother me.... as long as there's ventilation - I even let people smoke in my car...... it's just when it's cold outside and all the windows are closed, after cigarette number 10 or so, I start panicking that I can't breathe........
and the smoking dragon over there goes through 10 cigarettes an hour....... seriously, almost..... she stopped by for an hour and there were 8 butts in our ashtray. and yes, she smokes at MY house too..... and that's because before, I used to let her..... now, she ignores my feeble protests.

anyways, when it comes to food, I'm like an alcoholic........ Easter feasting has led me to continue my chocolate overeating all the way until yesterday. I've now consumed around 12 of those damned Cadberry eggs in the last few days... they're on sale at every store for mere pennies...... I could eat a truckload. And then I also ate a giant bag of Fiery Habanero Doritos over the last few days (because you know how when you eat sweet, you've got to chase it down later with some salty - it's the yin and the yang man)... like an alcoholic, one taste shoots me straight into a 3 day bender......
I've cut myself off though. Yesterday was the first day back on the wagon......

one day at a time.........
someone come hold my hand or something, at least until those damned eggs disappear.

I'm so happy and sorta disappointed too.....

this morning found me frantically looking for a pre-sale password on a fansite, frantically checking my email for said pre-sale password, frantically refreshing pages......... 10 o'clock came........ the pre-sale began...... i was working two different ticketmaster screens, refreshing, looking for better and better seats.....
what's going on?
is morrissey coming to town?
nope...... it's the next best thing.....
or dare I say, it's even better (gasp)?? well, ok, it's only more exciting because I've never seen this person live and I haven't had the chance to..... since i've been a fan these last few years, he hasn't played anywhere accessible. Eddie Izzard is coming to town!! and I've got tickets!!
but here's the disappointing part that kinda making me sick right now...... you see, the tickets I got are row B.... sounds great right?
surely, row B is better than the other seats I was looking at - row M, row J, row H, row D...... when B popped up, I tried again on another browser and I got D so I thought - stick with B! buy them now!
It wasn't until later that I realized row B is actually after rows AA-PP...... god damnit!
But it'll be fun anyway..... I'm going with people this time...... not just by my lonesome.....

But then....... it dawned on me...... in an act born from years of being a Morrissey fan, years of impulse ticket buying, I waited two hours for the pre-sale to start in another timezone..... I tried again...... FIRST ROW!!!! I clicked purchase and zoomed through the next few screens before I had time to think.
I am now the proud owner of a first row ticket in San Francisco!!!! just the one lone ticket this time, but I don't care!!
YEYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! First row!!!!
my sister in law lives in San Francisco...... I had meant to go visit her when Morrissey swung through there earlier this year but the show wasn't general admission so I thought I'd pass...... but now....... now I'm going to see Eddie Izzard and I'll be in the FIRST ROW!!!!
I'm so excited right now, I can't even believe it...... seriously.......
I don't even want to think about my poor aching credit card right now....... I'm going to need a plane ticket too.... but who cares!!

whew......
all this excitement and I didn't even know about these gigs until yesterday and now I've got not one, but 2 Eddie Shows.....

Fan-tabulous!!

now I've just gotta wait until May and July :(

As a hypochondriac, I'm all too thrilled to be able to self diagnose on the internet..... not only can I freak myself out about stuff I think I already have, but I can also discover new and exciting things to freak out about.
So I put in my latest set of symptoms - fatigue (I've been like the walking dead for a few weeks), increased appetite (I've been stuffing my face with anything that isn't nailed down), headache (I've had a low grade headache, the kind that feels like a light soreness, forever it seems like). I was fully expecting to see something like lymphoma or lupus or...... i don't know, scoliosis or something.
The first thing that popped up was S.A.D. - hmmmmm...... do I have SAD? I mean, I don't really believe in it to be honest....... I know people ARE generally more groggy and disgruntled when the days are short and you're constantly wearing sopping wet boots and 23 layers of clothing and yeah, I tend to eat more in the winter but I never thought it was more than just the winter blahs. but now I've got physical symptoms...... I've felt that feeling, the feeling you get when you first realize you're coming down with a cold, that weak, headachy, sort of flushed "something is off" feeling almost every day in the last few weeks, yet a cold never materialized (knock on wood).

Even exercising isn't helping. I try every day. I felt like crap all day yesterday. I got on the treadmill but I could only muster 20 minutes before getting off.... and then I ate......

what's going on with everyone?
I've apparently got SAD, Mr. Lost's on an antidepressant, my sister's in therapy, my co-workers are either on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds.....

hmmmmm.....
yeah, Mr. Lost started taking an anti-depressant. I'm not sure he'd be thrilled by my talking about it, but hey, we're all friends here (hee hee)...... and it's not exactly scandalous.... especially on the internets.....

I wasn't very pleased when he started them..... I hate the idea of taking pills for pretty much anything, but especially for something, which to me, seemed somehow..... fixable.
I thought I could cheer him up....... I thought that I could fix it...... you see, it's not like he's depressed, he's just been through a lot with jobs and joblessness and now a really demanding job. Add to that, the fact that he's been going to school and getting certifications and now working in a language that he learned not that long ago...... it REALLY bothers him, the language barrier, even though he speaks and writes english extremely well, he gets really frustrated with things like jokes or slang that can sometimes fly over his head. He also is not a huge fan of corporate America...... let's just say that people here, especially in an office setting, are just strange in his eyes. He doesn't get them. He doesn't like the fake niceness and the fake small talk and fact that people don't say what they mean. He'll run stuff by me, to use at work, and I tell him they might see that as rude and then he asks me, well is it not rude of them when they waste my time talking about nothing for 2 hours during a meeting and then when all is said and done, I'm the only one who's left with a list of "action items" while they then go out to lunch? (he's a computer guy by the way)

ANYWAYS...... I thought I could get him through that kind of stuff.
It was then that I realized that I'm the WORST person in the world when it comes to cheering up another human being. I'm just too damn realistic...... because in my mind, everything can always get worse - and probably will - so you're better off just enjoying the moment...... there's nothing you can do about a lot of stuff and people all over have it worse off than you so just cheer the fuck up already. and then I get frustrated.

so yeah..... my little "pep talks" have done nothing for him and he went and got himself some meds.
and while they can't change anything around him, they've changed his reaction to the things around him and I cautiously say, they actually work.....
When he ran out, it was ME who suggested he go and get some more......
it's been smooth sailing ever since.
but they're just a band-aid right? a prop? they haven't ACTUALLY solved anything. And when he stops taking them, the same old problems will still be there......
that bothers me.
but maybe there's something to be said for medications....... maybe they do work for some people......

Personally, I think I'll stick to my own tried and true methods for getting through stuff, the way my father and forefathers dealt with their frustrations and sadness....... alcohol. :)
yeah, I know it's only a band-aid too, but that's only if you sober up see? A few glasses of wine or a few beers scattered through the week can sure put a rosy tint on the world.

he said he forgives me.....

we were drunk... he started talking about it out of the blue and then said he forgives me because he knows that it was his fault.

I pretended to not hear him and I kept talking and laughing with everyone. he said it again. a lull in the conversation. eyes turned to me for the briefest second. shocked, my jaw dropped. then the conversation vroomed on again, full force. I tried to be a little bit louder & gayer than I was before.
why now?
why in front of everyone?

he won't remember tomorrow, surely, I thought, while listening to the others with a smile smashed onto my face......

but he said it again yesterday. sober. he forgives me.

maybe it's time I forgive him too. I kinda don't want to though because not forgiving him has been a driving force for me..... motivation......

ammunition......

what do I do now with a gun and no ammunition?

I don't need more ammunition, I've got more than I can spend.....
I don't dwell on things I'm missing..... I'm just pleased with the things I've found......