everybody's lost (12791)

everybody's lost
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Monday February 02, 09

here is london.... giddy london...

03:15 PM

is it home of the free or what?

wow... London was fabulous.... it was just how I imagined it to be, but in a good way...
I liked it a whole lot anyways.... it was like visiting your dear, sweet, witty old grandfather..... while my own town here is more like a boisterous teenager.....
does that even make sense?
some things I've noticed - I always feel like I'm a super fast walker/fast talker here, but even I can't compete with London crowds - my god, are they all quick.... but i loved it.... my kind of town....
and there's beauty and history around every corner....
and I got to meet a fellow solo-er who graciously welcomed me into her home (our very own ms. almareallymatters). A great host and so much fun and again, I *thought* I could handle my liquor, since round here, I more than hold my own, but i couldn't compete - I had to signal defeat halfway through night 2 and that's never happened to me before....

everything in England was tinged with Morrissey and/or TV shows.... all the signs, neighborhoods - all had only existed through morrissey's voice and through my television set..... up until last week.... and now - there it is - all real and solid..... my very own version of England.... I am mine.... everything from Battersea, Piccadilly (palare), Vauxhall... to Torquay (that's a real place?) to Slough (that's a real place too?) to Shepherd's Bush (Holland Park!) and even Notting Hill.... all real now....

I saw Big Ben and went on the London Eye... I walked around Covent Gardens, Leicester Square and Trafalger Square.... and Piccadilly Circus... all with this quiet contentedness... feeling like, finally.... here it all is.....
I went to Westminster Abbey and it was literally breathtaking - just staring up and up.... walking worn melty-looking floors through ancient doorways... I was quite taken with all the little nooks and crannies just as much as the majestic ceilings. every little wood railing and tile was magnificent..... britain's oldest door? fascinating... I wanted to examine every inch of it - who made it? who's touched it? who cut the wood and sanded and placed the pieces together? and who's walked through it?? who's eyes have seen it just as i'm seeing it now?
I lit a candle for my dad but I didn't pray or anything resembling prayer because my head went blank, I just thought of him for a minute.... thought of this little candle lit for him, in this ancient place, by me, the daughter he wouldn't even recognize....
he'd been to London though - of all the places I've visited in my life, this is one that he's actually been to, this is one where I didn't have to feel a pull of sadness about his having missed out on so much....
on our way to America, when we came here to live, we took a ship..... I think my parents thought it'd be more fun than just flying..... and on the way, we stopped by Amsterdam and London.... and we saw Big Ben and St. Paul's and westminster and then we were outside of Buckingham palace when they announced the birth of Prince William....
my two year old self stood in front of the palace gates and now my 29 year old self stood there.... wondering what my parents must've thought - being there on their way to a 'new' life that turned out harder and grittier than the one they came from....

I wanted to see the changing of the guards but I missed it once and then it was cancelled due to the rain the second time I went....
I saw Windsor castle too - and cobblestone streets and old houses; homes that have stood there for longer than the U.S. has even been a country....

and during my trip, morrissey tickets went on sale... they had seemed very important as I was leaving the states - urgent - must remember - must get tickets.... and then half of the day passed before I was reminded about my tickets being on sale and after a moment's panic, I had them.... but even then, the thought had crossed my mind, quite casually - well, if it's sold out, then it's sold out.....
there's more to life than moz you know.....

Thursday January 15, 09

everybody's lost.....

02:59 PM

and I'm not even pretending I'm not anymore..... I can be the ringleader of the lost maybe...
I'm trying not to feel lost but it comes over me - in strong waves...... at strange times..... sometimes it's so strong that it physically hurts..... other times it's just a dull shadowy sensation....
but I'm fighting it anyway.... I'm trying to gain perspective any time I start spiralling into the lost-ness....
when I was younger it was the same, but different reasons, looking back, stupid reasons.... now it's stuff like the economy or the mortgage or my job..... and in some ways it's worse, because some of these things are my mistakes that were made; my path, littered with choices, that has brought me here, so no one to blame there.... and if it's not my mistakes I'm pondering, then it's other people's problems.... family, friends.... or people needing stuff from me - help with this, advice with that.... drive here, translate this, help me write that....
all making me sick and feeling lost.....
so - distractions....
distractions are where it's at.....
wine is a distraction.... british tv shows - distraction.... I managed to fenagle a trip to London next week - a fucking great distraction..... costs money though a little voice reminds me - oh, there we go again - the feelings of dread and guilt at spending money.
must keep busy or numb..... that's the key....
morrissey tickets - that's a plus.... I bought one ticket for a show that I have to drive to another town for and then I need to try to get a ticket for the show in my own town....
something to look forward to.....
but then again, a bit of dread at spending money..... 'but it's not a lot.... not a lot to pay for a bit of fun....' says the opposition.

I just keep reminding myself that I'm fine.... at the moment, everything's fine... why oh why is that so hard to remember? so easily it slips from mind.... my world goes from 'Hey! life is grand!!' to 'Oh shit - what the hell is going on in this world?' in one news article.... one radio story....

I cry when I watch the news now, isn't that sad? I haven't told anyone that ever, but there you are.... something between us there....

and no, not local news... local news spends 15 minutes talking about the weather - which is FANTASTICALLY cold by the way - it was minus 10 farrenheit this morning when my little car, literally, shuddered to life with a groan and 15 strong shakes.... ('he's not gonna make it much longer' - I grimly thought - not wanting to voice it aloud... I mean, the car was right there... I had to act strong:) )
but watching the world news or listening to NPR... it makes me feel really really lost..... thinking about the housing market and unemployment makes me feel really really lost too.... reading about illness and war makes me feel lost (and sick too - convinced I've got *something* wrong with me)....

I knew I shouldn't have put on an old cd yesterday.... home alone because our heat was broken, waiting for the gas guys to come out, I decided to take down my christmas tree finally... and I put on David Gray's White Ladder - hadn't heard it in years.... and I was instantly in my old room in my old apartment.... total flashback - complete with gut wrenching feelings....
I don't like reminiscing....
I want to live in the now and tomorrow.... but these days, thinking of tomorrow, which used to make me feel hopeful or alive (back to having something to look forward to) even that's giving me gut wrenching feelings of anxiousness....

maybe some people have the right idea, the people who don't watch the news or don't read the papers.... if it's not happening to me right here right now, why bother clouding my fragile mind with it all?
I should just live in the here and now only..... just rest here for a bit.....

Monday December 15, 08

everyone here is sick to the back teeth of you.....

02:56 PM

well that's me then - just making my contribution to the advancement of medical science....

on friday, I had my last wisdom tooth removed.... I was sent out (by my dishy dentist) to a specialist (whose name is the same name as a famous designer) in order to see if my tooth would be tricky or easy (it went from "pfffft - a dental student could extract this!!" to, after the x-ray, "hmmmm... do you see that twist in the root? this area here..... a pocket.... nerve..... might have to extract using...." blah blah blah....)
so off I went to the specialist.... let's call him Calvin Klein....
years ago, I had had 2 wisdom teeth removed because they were coming in crooked.... then later another one started getting a cavity so I got it pulled....
and then there was one.....
it was going to have to start getting some work done to it soon, or have to get pulled... and since I'd already met my deductible for the year, I decided to just get it over with already.....
Calvin started talking about "pro's and con's" and all that - I just wanted it out.....
Calvin told me that when there's a twist in the root, oftentimes the twist breaks off and should that happen, he'll just leave it in there and would I sign a form saying that's OK....
I don't know if that's ok..... you tell ME.....

after paperwork and 3 needles I was waiting to numb up while the nurse briefed me on what to do later....
I was only half listening really... my other wisdom teeth came out with zero problems and no pain really so I was hoping this one would be the same.
Calvin came back and "tested" the site to make sure I was numb....
the worst part of this whole thing for me is my rampant imagination..... especially nowadays, when dentists and doctors feel the need to explain in great detail (with graphs and charts even sometimes) exactly what they're gonna do - look.... I don't care.... just do what you've gotta do - I don't WANT all the details because then I freak out....
so i feel pressure from him prodding and he says we're good to go - he gives me a block to clamp down on on the other side (convenient really, so I don't have to keep my mouth open on my own) and then he gets up in there and starts pulling....
I closed my eyes for this part (mostly because the light was blinding but also because I never know where to look when they're doing my teeth - I tend to look down and away or focus on something on the wall or my feet or whatever - but sometimes you end up looking them in the eye while they're all up in your personal space).
so he's pulling and pulling.... changing positions.....
at this point I clamped my hands together....
in my mind, I was thinking: please don't hear a crack, please let it not sound gross! think happy thoughts.... happy thoughts.... happy thoughts!
and out it came.
he put it on the table came back and was stitching me up - saying how the twist came out all in one piece....
the nurse finished me up while he cleaned up my extracted tooth... I was trying to catch a glimpse of it....
he put a ruler next to it and came back with a camera....
he said that my dentist (dishy dentist) had told him that he didn't think he would get it in one piece.... if it did, to email him a picture of it....
they were making bets on my teeth!
the nurse said, "Oh.... THAT'S why you were being so gentle with it!"

after taking the picture Calvin told the nurse to stick my tooth in a jar for keeping...
"are you really going to keep my tooth?" I asked her....
"yeah.... he'll show it to the dental students when they come by....."
ha! just think.... my wisdom tooth.... a thing to behold....

he sent me home with Penicillin (penicillin! what is this, 1957??) and tylenol with codeine....
I didn't take any of the tylenol (I didn't have much pain at all) and I was GOING to nix the Penicillin but then I was scared into it by people telling me about nasty infections one could get..... open wound, food and general mouth bacteria are not a good combination....

and then in all the excitement this morning I forgot my medication at home.....after raining all yesterday the temps dropped to 5 (5!!!) overnight and my car was enclosed in a sheet of ice that had to be hacked through this morning..... it took all my weight and 15 minutes to pry open my stupid stupid door (the stupid door that freezes OPEN a fair amount and now it's freezing closed too).
the worst part about it is that I had to go to a baby shower on Sunday and I couldn't even have a glass of wine! I had to endure that puppy full-force....

Wednesday November 12, 08

what she read, all heady books she'd sit and prophesize...

10:06 AM

or: How Stephen King May Have Quite Possibly Ruined my Life

when I was younger, I read a lot.... whatever I could get my hands on. we had a lot of random books in the house, some picked up at garage sales, some brought home from school, some borrowed from the library. My older brothers would bring home stuff they'd have to read - Animal Farm, Old Man and the Sea, The Pearl... I read all those by the time I was 10-11. I also read Nancy Drew and Sweet Valley High, so, like I said, anything I could get my hands on.
One day, when I was still around 10 or 11, perusing my brother's book shelf for something new to read, I spied a hefty paperback.... the front cover was ripped off (as they sometimes do when you get books used) and the first few pages were all curled up at the corners and a bit yellowed..... on the first page, all it said was "IT".... I asked my brother, "hey - have you read it?" "read what?" "read IT? did you read IT?" "oh yeah... I read it.... loved it.... IT's good."
IT was Stephen King's IT.... all 2000 pages of it (or something like that)..... I read it..... I thought it was fantastic. I then proceeded to read everything else Stephen King ever wrote - some good, some bad.... all of them long....

I am 100% positive that my love of reading is what made me appear, to all my teachers at the time, as being 'gifted.' i would score really high on the standardized tests, I would write pretty decent essays and short stories and whatnot, and so I was always in the advanced reading and the accelerated programs, etc. Math was never my forte.... but it seemed that every other subject was given a major boost by simply being able to read quickly and being able to remember what I read....
and so it came to pass that a couple of my teachers took note of me.... and I ended up being suggested for a program..... forms were submitted, filled out by my own hand since my mom didn't speak English very well at the time.... an essay was written and mailed off and large envelopes arrived at my house.
I was to be interviewed for the chance to go to some sort of exclusive boarding school, somewhere in New England, for my 8th grade. It had a name like "The Willow Rose Academy" or some such thing....
The day of the interview arrived and my uncle had taken a day off of work to come get me and my mom (becasue my mom didn't know how to drive).... I tried to find something nice to wear, but being a chubby kid with a bad perm and going through a painful, painful awkward stage, there was little I could do to appear presentable (in my mind). And for whatever reason, at the last minute, I realized that I didn't have any dress shoes.... so on the way to this interview, we stopped by Payless to pick up a cheap pair of dress shoes for me.... I was wearing a black skirt and black pantyhose and god help me, I picked a pair of white shoes. i think they're the only pair I could find or something....
the next thing I remember, I was sitting in a chair across from a PANEL of interviewers..... that really threw me off..... I had thought it would be me and one other person.....
and they talked about how there were only 30 spots available and how they were down to 60 applicants, etc.
they asked about my favorite subjects... they commented that my math scores had dropped in the last year....
I had told them, honestly, that my dad used to help me with math and really make sure I got it and that he had died earlier that year and ever since then, I was having trouble with it....
looking back, that was probably a bad answer - it may have appeared that I was out for sympathy or something.
but then it got worse.....
we discussed how I loved reading....
they asked me what I was reading, if anything, right now.....
and as luck would have it - at the time of this interview, I had just finished reading a Stephen King novel called Gerald's Game.....
of all the fucking books that I could've been reading at the time, I was reading a book about a guy who takes his wife far into the woods for a romantic weekend, handcuffs her to the bed for some kinky sex, and then he drops dead of a heart attack, leaving her handcuffed, naked, and alone in a cabin far from everyone.... and she starts going a bit mad and seeing things and after a few days, she ends up slicing her wrists with a glass from the bedside and using her own blood to slide her hands through the handcuffs.....

and that's what I told them.....

in my mismatched outfit and my awful frizzy hair, after lamenting about my dead dad, I described to them a horribly age inappropriate book.....

and the next envelope that arrived at my house was not a big envelope.... it was a little envelope.....
it said that they thanked me for my time but they have not selected me to be in their program. they assured me that I am bright and that they're confident I will go far.....

Monday September 29, 08

love, love, I'd really like a small part of it.... The Organ

11:54 AM

a year ago today, I got married.....
I was never really one for marriage, I didn't really see the point. all the married people I knew seemed boring.... and old....
but after 10 years of dating, it seemed like the right thing to do... (well that, and my poor mom could finally breathe a sigh of relief - for one, I was no longer going to hell (living in sin and all) and she could finally stop praying for my eternal soul... she has since moved on to my younger sister)..... and the party was fun.... and despite some hiccups, we managed to pull off something that resembled a fine wedding....
and then nothing really changed afterwards.....
apart from now having in-laws to rant about (they became infinitely more annoying now that we're "related") and from having a "husband" instead of "boyfriend" - it's all pretty much the same..... kind of what I thought marriage would be like, to be honest... which goes back to my prior thoughts of "what's the point?"
In fact, due to the wedding, we got into a major fight the week prior and so as a result, the actual wedding day wasn't highly romantic inasmuch as it was a big party with people we hadn't seen in years - that and seeing both of our families together in one space for the first, and most likely, last, time.

it's maybe a touch more "permanent" in that now, if we were to break up, there'd be paperwork....

I guess the successful part of the whole thing is that, 11 years on, we still get along..... and I've kind of decided (I've read this somewhere and decided it's true) that love is a choice.... you choose to love.... yes, it IS something that just happens, at first, but as the years drag on, erm, I mean, as the years gently pass, you have to make the choice at every crossroad and at every junction..... and getting that piece of paper doesn't change the fact that you still have to choose to love each other... and sometimes that choice is super easy and other times the choice is hard... and there's no guarantee that both of you will always make that choice to be with each other.... there is no ever after....
but maybe that's the point of marriage..... maybe it's the promise and the hope that you'll each do your best to always choose each other....

but then again, maybe I'm in a philosophical mood..... I blame the rain..... and the fact that my birthday was a few weeks ago and it passed, surprisingly to me, without a bit of sadness or anything...... I used to get very melancholy around birthdays (the passage of time, another year gone, blah, blah, blah.....) and yet this, the last birthday of my 20's has been the smoothest yet.... and I find myself looking forward......
maybe I'm growing up after all.....

Thursday August 28, 08

at one time, the future, it stretched out before me....

08:46 AM

how do you explain loneliness and loss to someone who has not experienced it?
I feel like a human - a fragile, delicate human - trying to explain this concept to a smooth, cool alien being....

my mom has six children..... at the age of 40, she found herself suddenly, a widow, with 6 kids ranging in age from 17 to 2..... she raised us all on her own..... she worked and saved and scrimped... the last 17 years have been very hard..... and despite being able to do all of this, she's still not a very independant woman.... she had to learn how to drive at 41, but she doesn't like going places on her own.... she has managed to buy and sell property to some advantage, but she's always scared to make a move on her own or to make a decision.... she's relied on all of us to help her along the way....
slowly, we've all moved out on our own, some of us have gotten married and had kids, we've all gone to college and some are still in college......
she was left with my two younger sisters.....
my one sister K - her and my mom share a close bond..... K spends time with my mom.... K introduced her to Starbucks and pedicures and took her shopping to splurge on herself for once and helped guide her into some sort of fashion sense..... they argued too.... fiercely at times..... but they always made up.... we joke that they must've never fully cut the cord when K was born.....
K has decided that she wants to move out on her own... she wants to move in to a trendier part of town and have an apartment and be able to walk to bars and clubs and be independant....
my mom, after 36 years of spending all her time raising her kids, is going to be left with one daughter at home..... one daughter who goes to college and works and is rarely home.....
she's very depressed about this turn of events even though she knew this was coming eventually...

Mr. Lost and I, hell everyone I suppose, will sometimes get on this chain of thought where you wonder what the hell this is all for....life and everything.... we wonder what the hell we're working for, we wonder should we have kids, we wonder where the best place to move would be, we wonder what to do about jobs and our cars and what to do this weekend..... and sometimes we get hopeful and sometimes we get depressed but we're always looking forward.... and we're looking forward together.......
for my mom? I can see her feeling like everything is behind her.... I can see her watching her friends, alone at last with their husbands, enjoying themselves at last after raising their kids, vacationing together (even if it's just a roadtrip or a weekend at the beach), visiting grandchildren, etc. and I see her pain at not having that.....
after all of this struggle and caring for others and trying to make ends meet (eternally struggling to make ends meet), she's by herself.... she has no one to consult with, no one to plan with, no one to look forward with..... and I know there are plenty of people who don't need anyone and there are plenty of people who are fine being on their own, my mom is not one of them.... she got married and had all of us because she likes being surrounded by family.....
and so I feel her pain..... it's sitting just below the surface for me.... I try to encourage her to meet someone, a companion that she could spend time with.... and she has surprised me by going on "dates" with some gentlemen but in the end, these are not people with whom she can plan a future and that's what's most missing in her life..... a partner......
and this makes me so profoundly sad for her.....

and then I try to explain this to Mr. Lost, as he looks to me quizzically when my eyes well with tears thinking about it..... he doesn't get it..... he tells me, "yeah, we all moved out of my mom's house too and my mom's alone, so what?"
His mom has her father living a few miles away and always there for her financially and emotionally should she need him, and she's got a husband who works two jobs and also provides her with health insurance through his job...... it's just. not. the. same.
my mom has no health insurance, no parents or other family who could help her out in a pinch, no back-up other than us, her kids.... she's got no one to talk to every night even....
so then mr. lost will say something equally ridiculous like, "well, my parents don't even like each other anyway so it wouldn't make a difference if my dad was not even around at all"..... while it may be true that they don't necessarily get along, it is definitely NOT true that it would be the same as having him gone altogether - they still live together, they still vacation together, they still go to weddings and parties together, thay still celebrate each other's birthdays and he fixes her car when it's broken and she cooks for him and he goes to the beach with her and they barbeque... he fixes the leak in the roof and paints the whole house and works two jobs while she doesn't have to work at all...... all of those things that my mom doesn't have.... levels of companionship - mental, physical and economic......
and if my mom were an independant woman, if her personality was ok with it, that would be one thing... but I know that she is missing this huge chunk of her life and I know that it's causing her a lot of pain and sadness....

and mr. lost just doesn't seem to get it..... so I don't bother trying to explain anymore.....

Thursday July 24, 08

if you're going to san francisco....

11:48 AM

don't forget to wear a flower in your hair....
or however that old song went....

I did go to San Francisco - it was my first time in California.... my first time west of Las Vegas actually.... and it was surprisingly cold, surprisingly windy, surprisingly affordable (I mean food and stuff - I'm not talking rent) and surprisingly 'normal'....
i think i was expecting this crazy place full of old hippies and young yuppies (and yes, i'm aware that the 'y' stands for young) and all manner of deviants.... but apart from a regular old transvestite (well, 2 if you count Eddie Izzard - but he's off duty now) I saw nothing out of the ordinary.
It was fun though... but cold..... brrrrrr..... i drank more coffee and tea there than I have since February here. and then we drove out to redwood city and it was 81.... just a half hour away.
the strange thing is that this weather abomination is still a fairly well kept secret. I knew it was going to be cold becasue my sister in law warned me, but everyone I've talked to since I've been back has been shocked....
my mom - I called her monday and told her how it was....
"was the weather nice?"
"no! freezing.... and foggy."
"freezing? but it's california.... I don't like foggy.... well, is it pretty there?"
"um.... it's interesting, but no, I don't think you'd find the architecture pretty.... it's mainly kind of retro/old... like 70's looking... the skyline at night looked cool, but it was half covered in fog..."
"oh.... I don't like old..... well, is the water nice?"
"um.... I mean, you can SEE the water and there WAS a little beach, but it's not like lakefront views.... it's kind of full of docks and stuff.... and it's covered in fog."
"oh...... well then why the hell is it so expensive to live there?"
"people like the fog and the old stuff... I dunno...."

but it was fun - i'm glad i went.
Eddie's show was fantastic.... I was in the first row and just in awe...

and then upon arriving back at home, I found a package waiting for me on my front stairs - a friend of mine from England had surprised me with a Russell Brand DVD and also Russell's booky-wook....
I'm up to here (I'm raising my hand to general neck area) in British comedians!!

and in other news..... more proof that i'm getting old....... two weeks ago, not only did I agree to go to a work function banquet thingy, i actually had FUN at the work function banquet thingy.... and I danced too..... in front of coworkers and technically, employees....
it was over at 11 and then a few of us went out for more dancing after that and I found the club too crowded and loud.... i did not like it..... i preferred the work banquet..... *i'm hanging my head in shame*
in my defense, the banquet bartender was making killer drinks and they were free....

Monday July 07, 08

under a landlocked moon.....(kristeen young)

02:16 PM

"middle america's conservative..... right?"
Friday - Independance day..... I was home alone..... with no alcohol to occupy me. so instead, I cleaned, and intermittently ran from the back balcony to the front windows to take in all of the fireworks being shot off....
I filmed some of it on my camera, but then it got darker out and even more fireworks started going off and I tried to capture it but my data card was full..... in fidgeting with it, I was missing the fireworks so I just gave up.
I love fireworks...... huge starbursts of color lighting up the sky, the sound of booms and bangs going off near and far.....
fireworks are illegal in this state too - so the perseverance of these folks is astounding..... they had to drive to the next state and smuggle these in.....
my brother informed me that certain fireworks carry a felony charge if caught with them - something about the class of explosives.....
the 4th of July....
26 years ago on the 4th of July, I entered this country to the sound of fireworks.....
my American anniversary.....
should've had a beer or something to commemorate the occasion....
oh well....

Saturday - I found myself wandering around, in complete awe, in a gun shop...... just guns - everywhere - for the buying..... revolvers, shotguns, boxes of bullets.....
(yet fireworks are illegal... sure - makes sense)
my stomach increasingly knotted up as I watched the peaceful glass eyes of deer heads sticking out of the walls over my head..... guns below and deer above.....
I started feeling sick to my stomach.....
old fat men in camoflauge jackets buying BIG GUNS......
tough guys.....
I found a stack of sheets asking to join the second ammendment protest.....
is that one the right to bear arms? hmmm.....
eddie izzard talks in my head - "guns don't kill people - people kill people..... and monkeys kill people too - if they have a gun...."
as I wander around the store they have camouflage scent - to spray on yourself in order to get closer to the animal..... they even have camouflage chewing gum - to disguise your breath.... (how close are you getting to this deer that you need to camouflage your breath??)

my friend made our purchases - boxes of ammunition.... we were headed out to the shooting range.
we met our other friends in a parking lot and headed out for the hour and a half drive out of the city with 6 guns in our trunk.
it's ok to transport guns in your car (!) as long as they're in a case..... I look at the passing cars from the backseat - wondering how many cars have guns in them.....

the shooting range - an old man with a gun strapped to his hip gave us forms to fill out and sign..... there was a box with some round pins and a little sign that said "Free" - I picked one up and turned it around - it said "McCain" on it.... I elbowed Mr. Lost and raised an eyebrow....
we're not in Kansas anymore, toto.....

We pulled up to the actual range - a row of tables - and everyone was shooting at a bunch of crap out in a big pit.
there was a kid (looked about 13) with his dad - holding a loaded weapon a few feet to my left.
I felt a twinge whenever I had my back to anyone - just like an instinctive raising of the hairs on my neck - and when I retreated to the car for my sunscreen I wanted to walk backwards so I could face everyone....

it was SO LOUD...... no wonder we got ear plugs at the gun shop....
I squeezed the earplugs into my ears (ah, silence)

I shot 2 semi-automatic pistols, an AK47 (my shoulder was in pain the next morning) and then a rifle with a scope on it....
I took that rifle, sat down at the table, and tore up the target :)
(it was easy with the scope - without it I only got half to hit the target and only 1 bullseye)
zz-top looked impressed (zz-top was the name we gave to the white bearded old man who was the range officer in that section).
zz-top later kicked us out.....
my friend (who'd been to this range many times before) had failed to tell us of the rules..... when you don't know the rules and have never handled a gun before, it's easy to break them....
like, someone let their gun barrel slip off to the side while reloading.... a big no-no....
got it....
then mr. lost had his gun pointed down at one point - again, big no-no.
ok - won't do that...
but after a few of these, zz-top decided he'd had enough and told us to leave.
I can see his point....
people get jumpy when there are loaded guns around.....

I don't think I'll be coming back...... these people freak me out.....
there was a guy with a string of bullets (like Rambo had across his chest?) feeding into a huge gun on a tripod thing, just TEARING up the crap in the field..... there was a guy with a huge shotgun that was literally deafening (my ears were ringing when I accidentally had my ear stopper out for a second)...
while I can appreciate the skill portion, the aiming at a target portion, I don't see their need for bigger and badder guns....
even my friend - he was so impressed by the SIZE of the bullets for his biggest gun and how it literally threw you back when you shot it..... um.... I don't see the appeal in that.....
I wish he would've taken a few minutes to go over the rules of the range instead of showing off his big bad gun, but whatever.....
I want to do some target practice - I want one of those indoor ranges where you attach your target and it swooshes away from you and then you shoot - and then it swooshes back to show you what you've hit....
I don't need no big guns and zz-top men and stuffed animals eyeing me with their sad glass eyes...
I want a sterile shooting environment.....

Tuesday July 01, 08

i want a perfect body... i want a perfect soul...(radiohead)

11:07 AM

get home from work.
pour glass of water.
drink half - go to change in the bedroom.
observe stomache, backside in mirror.
flex arms.
note the positives - ab definition coming through, thigh muscles visible when flexed, collar bone and ribs protruding.
note the negatives - bit of, is that cellulite??where? when I go like this.... I think that's cellulite...damn, squish remaining stomache flab with fingers, make face.... how is this possible? bones protruding in certain areas and flab in certain areas.... wtf is wrong with my body?
change into workout clothes.
walk through kitchen don't eat anything... don't you even think about eating yet....
stretch in front of tv.
turn on menu and scroll down to 'Incredible Abs' with Cindy.... Cindy DOES have incredible abs, doesn't she?
Cindy's abs look like a man's abs.... yeah, they ARE a bit much....
strap on 5 pounds of weights onto each ankle....
commence 24 minutes of ab work.....
face other direction - Cindy's not really necessary anymore, just need to hear her.
curse at Cindy.....
finish with bicycle crunches writhing around on the floor.
hey - look at how sweaty I've gotten!
drink other half of water.
go back to the menu - depending on the day - choose either 'Arms of Envy' or 'Buns of Envy'
what are these girls, like 12??
the girls look 12 - they're wearing skimpy outfits and they're out on a beach....
oh who cares? they look good though.... just do it
20 minutes with the girls who look 12.
more sweat.
they're not even telling you what the proper form is....
decide that the 'Envy' workouts are kinda stupid, but do them anyway.
if energy permits, pick one or two 10 minute routines 'targeting female trouble spots'....
done.
feel great.
grab iPod and flip the TV to Game Show Network....
the best shows for the next portion are either gameshows or poker.....
turn on captions.
take off 5 pound ankle weights and get on the treadmill.
sensory depravation feels dizzying - reading captions, listening to iPod and running/walking.
skip through songs on iPod and look for the club-y euro-y stuff downloaded for working out.
alternate - run one song, walk one song.
you have to do at least 30 minutes..... at least......
keep increasing incline during walk/speed during run.
watch the timer...
come on - you have to do AT LEAST 30 - don't even bother looking until it gets to 30
watch game show...
Argentina!

....

wicker!

....

don't call! fold!!

check timer on treadmill...
hey look at that - 34 minutes already....
yell at self in head and convince self to do one more walking song and one more running song....
seriously, that's like 10 minutes..... you can totally do 10 minutes.....
dream of protein shake.....
bargain with self, using both realistic goals:
if you do this for one month - one month at least - that last bit of flab will be gone! the end of this summer, you'll be 29 (that's almost 30 you know).... do you want another year to pass with a flabby tummy?
to the completely out-there:
if you don't run for one more song.... er... an earthquake will hit and destroy the whole world!!
sometimes this works, sometimes this doesn't.....
who CARES about a bit of flab? everybody says you're thin anyways!! you can just stop now - you've done enough
who cares?? YOU do...you want to hide on the beach or just enjoy yourself? shut up and run!
why don't you just learn to enjoy yourself as you are?
why don't you just shut up and run??
you've been working out for years now.... that last bit is never coming off you know.....

finally, completely red faced, cool down on treadmill....
turn off treadmill and make a double protein shake - 2 scoops, 2 cups of milk.....
mmmmmmm.....
it's like ice-cream......
kinda......
and stop thinking about ice-cream for the love of god!

Wednesday June 11, 08

I drank one it became four... and when I fell on the floor -

09:54 AM

I drank moooore...

that pretty much sums up the baby shower.....
people arrived EARLY - seriously - who arrives 20 minutes early?? I know I can be annoying with my tardiness, but even my ever-on-time sister-in-law was still helping put up decorations when people started streaming in.....
so with the help of my sister and sis-in-law - we put up decorations, placed hot and cold hors d'oeuvres on pretty plates and set out beverages..... this included 3 jumbo bottles of vino - white, red and pink..... and I realize now, I should really stick to beer.... I am a big fan of beer and I think that it agrees with me better than wine... I mean, I like wine, but I think I have a problem with it.....
so about halfway through this afternoon party, I started drinking wine spritzers (i've got this grapefruit flavored soda water that goes really well with sweeter wines)... most of the women stuck to juice since they drove, or had to go home to their kids, or came with their kids.... the problem was, we were using these colorful plastic cups and so my spritzer's were kinda gigantic.
People started leaving at around 4 (early to come, early to leave) and my family helped clean up and then they left, leaving me alone with half a giant bottle each of the pink & white wines...... I thought to myself, I'll have another spritzer before I finish cleaning (see, I have a germ issue, and the thought of 28 or so people walking around barefoot on my floors and also using the bathroom was kinda freaking me out - I needed to run a mop around and take some windex to all the surfaces in the bathroom).
I turned on a Blackadder dvd and munched on some leftover creampuffs and enjoyed my wine... kinda putzin' around the house... putting stuff away, throwing away boxes...... I took some pictures of the new paintjob, etc...... I was having a grand old time, polishing off the wine(s)......
the next thing I know - I'm waking up alone in bed and it's 12:30am...... my contacts are in, my clothes are on, my makeup is on.....
what the...???? what day is it?? oh shit - I have to go to work - it's gonna be Monday..... crap....
I look for Mr. Lost and find him on the computer..... he informs me that he came home around 10:30 to find me asleep on the floor.... and that I had gotten up and went to bed at that point.....
oops.....
he had been on the phone with our friend tom and he was telling him how tired I must be - that I had fallen asleep on the living room rug and tom was saying "yeah, right.... tired...... she's probably drunk!"
he knew me first and he knew me well.....
but hey - that's one cure for my germ fear - I had no problem relaxing on the living room floor apparently....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

speaking of germs - travelling is a good way for me to get over that as well..... the first thing I remember from many trips is the airport bathroom..... you land in a humid hot and sticky place, usually wearing clothes that are meant for colder weather and the first stop is the airport bathroom where I wash my face, change my shirt, use the toilet, etc. and already, I've got to get over the fear of touching surfaces and using public toilets.... it's like a crash course..... you have no choice but to deal with it and sure enough, after an initial feeling of "iiiiicccckkkky!!" I make do and realize that absolutely nothing will happen if the legs of my jeans touch the public restroom floor.... and on any trip, you're bound to be faced with many facilities that aren't ideal..... and you sleep on a pillow that multitudes have drooled on before you.... and you shower in a shower that hundreds of people have rinsed in..... and you realize that there are many worse problems in the world than sleeping in a bed of questionable cleanliness and you realize how spoiled you really are......

or maybe that's just me......

and speaking of foreign toilets - i'm always amazed at the variety of toilets in the world - I mean, there are some that have a push button flush, some have a pull lever flush, some have a rope that you pull from the tank overhead, some have a pedal that you press on the side..... it's always a game of 'what the hell do I do??' when you to a foreign toilet..... some places you pay to use it, some places you only pay for the toilet paper, some places don't have toilet paper.....

but then again, I find adventure in the strangest of things..... that, and I'm rather easily amused...... which brings me right back to being home alone with a giant bottle of wine :) doesn't really take much to keep me occupied....



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