why have the carols started so early this year?
anyways.... I had been having a bit of "shit hitting fan" going on in September and October.....
and then it got even worse.
Uncle Hef passed away.... I felt huge guilt for not going to see him and my brother came back from his visit reporting that our cousins (who live nearby) couldn't be bothered to spend time with him... it's just - ugh.... I mean, if he had been here I would've done all I could to help him out but he was far away and he DID have family where he was, but they are just, i don't know, busy or whatever....
anyways, the thought of him in the hospital for his final days, alone.... but in the end, we're all alone, eh?
so that was November 13th....
my siblings and I got together at my mom's and had a bit of a memorial/spend time together thingy which was good....
and at least my memories of uncle hef are from when he was healthy and tan and smiling....

so I was looking forward to Thanksgiving....
I was planning and trying recipes - I've got pumpkin muffins down pat, my now famous and requested rum cake is awesome - I've made a kahlua cake variation with awesome Kahlua frosting :) and I was all geared up to make a pumpkin roll with cream cheese frosting for thanksgiving....
the night before, I had run out for some groceries with mr. lost when on our way home, I got a phone call from an unknown number.... I don't answer phone calls from unknown numbers.
if it's important, they'll leave a message I always say.
well they left a message.
and the message was: hi - your mom's been hit by a car and she's hurt please call me back.
thinking it was a prank call, I was a bit bitchy when I called back, I was like, who is this?? how did you get this number?
and then she gave the phone to my mom, who sounded a bit out of it and quiet.... I was yelling Hello?? Mom?? mom?? and she just said my name but didn't say anything...
a cop came on the line and said my mom was hit by a car in the parking lot while leaving the grocery store and her leg was broken and he thinks she'll be ok but he can't make any guarantees. and he told me the hospital she was being taken to. he also said that they didn't catch the guy - he got away.
we were pulling up to our place at this point so I ran inside to look up directions to the hospital and we left....

on the way, I was just in a panic but still sort of stunned, wondering if she was going to be ok. I called one brother, whose wife is a nurse, to let him know in case i needed some hospital speak translated for us I thought she could help, but I didn't want to worry any other siblings yet until we found out what was going on.
I ran into the emergency room and found my mom, on her own in one of the emergency room alcoves, lying on a stretcher covered in blankets with her neck in a neck brace, her leg in a splint and her clothes all cut up lying in a plastic bag and her jacket lying on the side table... she still had one shoe on....
on her face, her glasses were cracked and she had only one lens, the other was missing....
her neck was in a lot of pain....
I was telling her everything was going to be ok and the first thing she's worried about is the fact that she's got no insurance. I was telling her not to worry about it right now, and she said: well, the guy who hit me, his insurance will cover me at least.
and the absolute worst thing ever was leaning over and telling her that they didn't catch him.... her face just crumpled and she was saying that there was a cop right there, how did they not catch him?
yeah, i don't understand either....
my brother arrived in the emergency room and he broke down in tears....
he had called another brother to let him know.... we decided not to let the younger siblings know just yet.

a few hours had passed at this point and they were taking her to get cat scanned and x-rayed (and dollar bills flashed in my mind but I pushed them away)
At that point, I left - I went to the parking lot of the accident to collect her car and to look for cameras, clues, etc.
no one saw anything, no cameras caught anything.
I saw remnants of plastic bags in the crosswalk where my mom was hit... her groceries had gone flying.
The girl who called me originally, told me later that the car was going 40 miles an hour - that she had thought to herself, 'who is that maniac??' and then she heard a slam and a yell and when she looked next, my mom was lying in the bushes with her leg bent in a wrong direction while the car just kept going....
as I got in my mom's car to drive it back to her house I just started screaming.... the whole drive home was just tears and screams at the unfairness of it all - how could this happen? right before thanksgiving too.... to my mom of all people... AND they didnt't catch the asshole.... AND she doesn't have insurance... no one caught a license plate.... stupid lazy useless cop saw nothing useful and he was ON the scene for chrissakes... why not hit me instead? I've got fantastic insurance, and i'm young and strong - i'd much rather it be me....
I got home and packed a bag - spare glasses, underclothes, sweats, toothpaste, magazines, cell phone and charger... as I was leaving, the phone began ringing...
I stopped, thinking I shouldn't get it - but what if it's the hospital? what if it's important?
I picked it up and it was my other sister - the one who's super, super emotional.... she had been calling all day wondering where mom was and now wanted to know what I was doing there??
I can't lie... I am the worst liar ever ESPECIALLY when put on the spot...
so I started by saying, I didn't want to tell you this (which later, everyone told me was THE worst way to break the news to her - she thought the worst possible thing happened) but that mom was in the hospital (screams on the other end, crying, what happened?)
as we were leaving, my other sister was pulling up so we told her too and took her with us to the hospital. I decided to call my last brother at this point, since everyone knew now, and found that he had already heard from my panicking sister in the time it took me to get outside.
my panicking sister and my mom have a good relationship though - because when she got to the hospital and threw herself onto my mom's bed, crying and screaming, my mom had to do an about face - up to that point, my mom had been worrying and a bit panicked with all of us reassuring her, she now pulled my sister off of her a bit and was all, "why are you panicking?? everything's ok, it's a broken leg... it's all going to be all right...."
so that was good....
once we knew her back and neck were ok - we all calmed down. we were making her laugh in the emergency room, so much so that she said we better quiet down before they think we're having too much fun in there...
and out of an awful situation, at least her fractures were in her lower leg.... she could have been killed or paralyzed or had complicated breaks, etc. etc. but luckily at least her breaks weren't her hip or knee or ankle....
we found out she was to have surgery the next morning and she'd be in the hospital for the next few days.
so on thanksgiving, we gathered in her room in the morning.... she had never been put under before and was extremely nervous.
we walked with her as they wheeled her down to surgery (we must've looked ridiculous, 5 out of 6 of us were there, all sort of crying, etc. as they wheeled her in for a short surgery, but with any surgery, you never know....) the nurse was extremely kind to us, asking about what happened, if we were all her kids, telling us what to expect, etc.
we went down to the waiting room and we ate bagels and drank coffee and waited....

she came through it ok.... she was released on saturday night with a prescription for painkillers and blood thinning shots.
the nurse told us that the shots were gonna be super expensive, he said at least $100 a shot and she'd need them for 4 weeks, 1 shot a day... they called the dr to see if they could substitute something cheaper but he was out of town so the nurse said that we *could* take a risk and take aspirin for a few days until we could contact the doctor... I went to the pharmacy to see how much the shots would be and what minimum number I could buy. luckily, it was only $185 for 5 shots. and I called the dr on monday to get her a substitute... with the other medication, 21 pills cost me $14.95...

I went to the store where the accident happened to put up flyers asking for info and I walked around the crosswalk area and I found her other lens (she's got horrible eyesight and her spare glasses were the wrong prescription). I went to 2 different eye places and was able to find her a replacement pair of glasses that her lenses would fit into.
we did thanksgiving on Sunday... and since Sunday, we've been taking turns and shifts and helping her since she can't put any weight on her leg and can't wet the cast...

the next day, i read an article about a 43 year old lady hit by a hit and run driver, and killed...
it really does make one think about how quickly, your whole life can change... one day you're leaving the store with groceries and you could easily be killed.... and that's that. your stuff goes flying, you go flying and that's the end of your life.....
thank god (or whoever) that she's going to be ok...

short stories first:
I went to Brazil; I went hang-gliding in Rio, scuba diving on Ilha Grande and I drank many many caipirinha's....
good thing too because when I got back, the sh*t really hit the fan.... but at least vacation was still carefree....
anyways, upon returning (I can't believe this world is still turning...) I turned 30... which was very anticlimactic.... the years pass in such a blur now that I really can't be bothered spending any time thinking about it....

and the following week was when the series of unfortunate events happened....
I won't list them all here, but I will go into one detail....
my car.
so I may have mentioned my old car on here? it was the 1998 Toyota that wouldn't die? it had the door that would freeze OPEN in the winter (which I had to hold closed while driving on many an occasion) and it had possessed electronics which made the clock and headlights flash randomly..... and an alignment that would never stay aligned....
so I finally bit the bullet earlier this year and made a car purchase.... I bought a 2008 vehicle.... I thought - poor old Toyota, i feel bad for letting her go, but it had to be done....
with my shiny "new" (new to me anyway) car i thought - ah, carefree driving!! no more checking the oil every other week!! no more adding oil in between oil changes!! no more being stranded on a winter morning!!
and so it went....
since April....
and then 2 days ago.... my check engine light went on....
hmmmm....
I drove the car home and we decided to take it to AutoZone since they'll give you a print out of your check engine light for free....
we pulled away from our house and drove half a block - the car died....
I rolled it over to the side of the road....
and here's where, looking back, it could've all been SO simple, but no.... we had to OVERTHINK the damn situation...
see, my car is still under warranty.... never having a 'new' car before, I had no idea what the warranty was about or how it worked... I thought, it'll probably only cover the engine, transmission, drive train, etc. computer problems, sensors, etc. etc. would probably NOT be covered...
also, in our defense, the thought of calling a professional is not something you do FIRST... first, you try to fix it yourself.... it's how it's always been in both our families...
so we get online... we self diagnose....
Ignition Coils - I found....
Ignition Coils, or Fuel Pump or Fuel Sensor - Mr. Lost found...
but as we searched forums and websites, ignition coils seemed to be the main thing...
I called our local car shop - they don't have 'em...
I called a dealership - all out
I called a second dealership - they have 'em but they close in an hour....
we hot foot it over to the dealer, buy 4 ignition coils, don't give them my VIN number (my cunning plan?? don't tell them anything because they'll VOID the warranty! i don't know how this got into my head but that's what I thought)....
we get home, plan on pushing the car to the in-law's garage but we make it there by keeping the revs high at all times... luckily it's only 4 blocks away.
We open up the car - i go online inside the house and run back and forth giving Mr. Lost and his dad instructions....
we replace the coils....
the car runs smoothly....
me and mr lost are positively glowing with satisfaction - we did it.... we only paid 100 bucks - problem solved, PHEW!

the next morning, I'm driving along the highway to work, singing along to REM, drinking my coffee.... I found a moment of happiness - because as I mentioned, there are a few more things going on that were stressful - but "I feel fine!!!!! it's the end of the world as we know it......."
then, my car died on the highway....
I managed to put my coffee down in time and force the steering wheel over to ROLL through the left lane and onto the shoulder....
I was seething - I've NEVER had a car just die on me... my damn toyota would never do this to me! stupid stupid car!!! as soon as it's running, I'm getting rid of it!! stupid car!

at this point, we called a tow truck.... mr lost came out, I took his car (which had died on him 2 weeks earlier!) and continued on to work while mr lost stayed behind to wait for the tow truck....I got to work and took a deep breath...
we towed it, again, not to the dealership (thinking - NO! too official! too expensive!!) we took it to a local mechanic that we trust... he needed to order an official diagnostic machine - so towing $75 and the diagnostic machine rental $150....

mr lost meanwhile, rode with the tow truck back to the mechanic and now was walking home.... he called me because he now had no house keys... I had his house key with me when he gave me his car, and my car key only has an obnoxious brazilian tambourine keychain, my house key was with me in my purse.
so I snuck out of work under the guise of "early lunch" and booked it back home, let him in, and booked it back to work.... it's a bit over 18 miles each way that....

at 5pm the mechanic calls and says it could be one of 3 things, we should take it to the dealer and see if the warranty will cover it...
the next day, tow truck to the dealer (another $75) and at the dealership - we found out that they will fix it, free of charge....
it was a fuel pressure sensor....
totally covered under warranty....

so, had I called the dealer straight away, they would've fixed the whole thing and given me a loaner car for the 2 days - all free of charge.... one tow was all that would have been needed.... no maneuvers, no switching cars, no looking up online how to open a damn engine cover (holy crap is that thing hard to open!)
but no, I had to overthink the whole thing, cause myself 2 days of frantic driving, and $400 dollars (which we don't exactly have at the moment) in trying to do things the cheap way....

but who knew??
I've never had a warranty before..... and all I know about the dealership is that they wanted me to come in for "service" every 5000 miles - which they charge around $300 for and consists of them changing the oil, checking fluids, checking lights and wipers, etc. all stuff I can do myself... so i never came in for that (which I worried might void the warranty), they charged me $90 for an oil change the one time I went in (synthetic oil) when you can get an oil change for 25 bucks OR just do it yourself, and they also told us that a diagnostic would be $170.... just to SEE what the problem might be - so I thought - no thanks! if they charge all that for the easy stuff - there's no way I'm taking my car there when it actually breaks down on the road.....
but somehow, when they had ACTUAL work to do - i.e. replacing a part - it was all free..... how very confusing....

we stood outside the dealership last night, waiting for them to bring my car around (they washed and vacuumed it too) we were just standing there, shaking our heads going "what the f*ck?!?! we are SO stupid.....

but I guess lesson learned...

"You never knew 'cause he was dead...
And how his face was carved and ripped with wrinkles
In the picture in your head..."

I'm trying to score my uncle some weed.... hehe....
anyone know of anyplace near Zakopane Poland where he could, you know, *get* some??
*sigh*
I've probably mentioned my uncle on here before, I like to call him uncle Hefner since he kinda looks like hef and he also was quite the ladies man back in the day...
well anyways, he's deteriorated.... old age has descended upon him decided to give him a swift kick in the balls while it's at it... his kidneys have failed and he's on dialysis and then on top of that, he's got tumors in his liver and his useless kidney....
my mom will call there once in a while and he's just a tearful mess, very depressed, very weak, zero appetite and just hanging on... they say he looks like a concentration camp victim.... his extreme diet of the last few years to hang onto whatever was left of his kidneys drained him and now that he's on dialysis and can actually eat a bit more, he has no appetite....
he's barely able to walk he's so weak....

yesterday, i learned that my mom had talked to him and he was in tears the entire time because he's now in pain....
3 doctor's he's got assigned to him and yet still, the pain....
this is all making my heart ache....

and then last night, it hit me.... weed.... he needs weed....
first thing today, i called my mom and told her about it....

"tell him it's not a 'real' drug - it's a plant... it's nothing like heroin or cocaine or anything like what you may have heard... and it's not going to make him nuts or crazy or anything like that - it's like alcohol really, he'll just feel relaxed....." I told her, trying to carefuly lay the foundation so as not to alarm her... how do you broach drugs with someone like my mom?
but she seemed very enthused....
I told her that they use it medicinally in California and that it's legal there for medicinal purposes (I don't know that it is.... I *think* it is but it's best to sound sure) and they give it to cancer patients to ease pain and increase appetite...
"hmm.... they gave him pills for appetite and those didn't work at all...." she said..."where did you say it was legal, Florida?" (i think she was writing this all down or something, to relay to them)
I told her to tell him to mix it in with his regular pipe that he smokes.... he's smoked a pipe all his life..... he can add some to that if he wants to....
she went now to call my other uncle who's staying with uncle hef and see if he can score some somewhere... except other uncle is a giant alcoholic who sleeps for days on end...
together in one house - 2 brothers... one, fighting his liver and kidneys which have turned on him and the other, trying desparately to KILL his liver and kidneys on purpose...

I want to jump on a plane and go there and take care of this myself.... I don't trust anyone to do what needs to be done....
I can see it now, everyone will say, yeah, sounds good, hmmmm, interesting... yeah... and that'll be that. nothing will be done.
if I was there, I'd figure out a way to get it, get it TO him, and help him use it.... explain to him that it will help - it won't harm him anyway, and it's worth a shot.... and maybe it'll bring back his appetite....
I'd try to make some jokes, cheer him up....
I just feel helpless being all the way over here...
and just last weekend I booked a trip completely elsewhere, so it's not like i'll be able to get over there anytime soon....
maybe october?? will he make it to october?
he's claiming it's the end....
horrible to be sick.... nothing worse in the world than knowing that you simply *won't* get better anymore.... that was it.... the last healthy days spent a few years back were your last healthy days ever on this earth....
and you didn't even know.... didn't think to remember the feeling of not being sick.... didn't think to enjoy health.... be grateful to be breathing and walking and stretching and sleeping and eating and drinking.... such little things.....so important....

(the 6ths)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm soooooo very sick of pharmaceutical commercials on tv.... seriously.... you can't watch anything without seeing 10 ads for all manner of pill....
first of all, I don't want to KEEP BEING REMINDED that we're all gonna die.... I just wanna watch a crap tv show for a bit of entertainment and then every few minutes there's someone telling me that I may have something awful that needs treatment.... and I should ask my doctor....

which brings me to my second point, what the fuck? why should *I* be asking my doctor? shouldn't my doctor tell *me* what I need to take for whatever condition I have? shouldn't it work the other way around - I feel symptom, I go to doctor, doctor looks at symptom and prescribes best cure... nowadays, it's ME diagnosing symptoms, researching cures and then telling the doctor - "This is what medicine I need to take, okthx...."

it's just that you spend all this time hearing about horrible things and all kinds of illnesses.... I don't wanna know.... because I happen to have a good memory combined with a vivid imagination... that, and i've got time on my hands too.... see, unlike my grandparents, I don't have a field to tend and animals to care for and 6 children to feed using mainly potatoes and I don't have to physically *make* much of anything at all.... I've got time to spend.... I can examine every ache and pain... I've got plenty of time to analyze myself (is that a new mole?) to observe changes (am I a bit bloated this morning?? hmmmmmm....) and I've got even more time than that, because then I have time to start reading up on stuff.... only last month I thought I was either pregnant, going through early menopause or had ovarian cancer.... and a whole 2 days was spent mulling over which of the three it could be.... why would someone do that? how self centered.....

I wonder what it would be like to grow up never having to worry about that kind of stuff until it affected you.... people used to be busier or something - they didn't used to have time to baby oneself.... it was sort of "carry on until you get struck down and even then, deny it completely until you drop dead...."
I need a bit more of that....

I know a man who had a horrible boil growing out of his face, it was the size of a golf ball, and he was like, "Oh this? Oh, that's nothing.... I've been meaning to see someone about that..." or people like my uncle who lost a piece of his finger and just wrapped it up and carried on working.... or I saw a man once, drilling into cement, and a cloud of dust and powder filled the air and covered him and when you looked close, there he was, smoking a cigarette in the midst of all of this.... THERE'S a man who says, "Fuck it" when it comes to his lungs....

meanwhile, I'm always thinking of the worst case scenario.... that bloated feeling? what if that's bowel cancer?? or maybe it's IBS? I saw a commercial for that last night....

I have these friends that are leaving the country... and it's for good - since they were here illegally to begin with - but they've been here for around 10 years....
the guy, Tom, is mr. lost's mom's friend's son, so in the summer of 99, me and mr. lost were in Poland... upon our return, we found a guy staying at mr. lost's house - Tom... tom later found an apartment, got a job, we helped him get a driver's license, we helped him get a cell phone, his girlfriend Aga arrived and we found that we liked her immensely.... the four of us would hang out and party - tom and aga had a lot of friends passing through - from Poland, from here, from Austria, etc. and we partied with all of them
as the years passed, they bought a condo downtown... me and mr lost were still with our parents and so their place turned into party central.... every weekend, we would show up and there was bound to be someone over... we'd drink, we'd dance, we'd go out, we took mini vacations together, camping, road trips....
they were the most fun of all our friends - our other friends having moved out to the burbs and never wanting to go out... and if they DID go out, they'd be wanting to go home by midnight....
meanwhile, our nights out began at 10 and lasted until dawn....
and more and more people joined the group...
we knew people, but we really didn't know people.... we were connected only through tom and aga...
in the daylight, we all went our separate ways only to meet again on a saturday night...

as the years passed, there were weddings, breakups, new people in the group, people leaving the group....
all the while, tom and aga depended on us to help them here - go to court with them, call the phone company for them, read a document for them, fix their computer...
and sometimes, we felt like they were only calling us in order to have us do something for them...especially nights where they'd invite us over, only to have mr. lost spend the whole time working on their computer or resizing their pictures or hepling fix their printer. we began to feel used...
also, tom began to get on our nerves... he would tell wild stories which were always a hit with the crowd, but after years of knowing him, could I really believe some of the stuff he came up with? me and mr. lost decided that everything tom says, cut it in half and you'll get nearer to the truth...
but we put up with all of the negatives because they were fun.... who else would push their couches aside and have everyone dance in the living room until the cops came? who else would hop in a cab at 2 am to head out to make the last 2 hours at the club?

meanwhile, mr. lost was having trouble finding work... then he had some crappy jobs... then some stressful jobs.... and he was busy in his own life and tom still wanted stuff - called with questions, came over with his computer full of viruses....
we would sometimes avoid him.... that made him more persistent - calling first mr. lost's phone, then my phone, then mr. lost's phone, then mr. lost's mom's phone - mr lost had enough one day and exploded and told him to fuck off....
we didn't speak for almost a year then.....
when we called each other up after that year off, things seemed all right, but they were never quite the same...

then the babies came...
most of the people in the group had babies by this point and tom and aga followed suit...
the late night parties turned into card nights.... with tom shushing everyone and people quietly rolling their eyes muttering "but the kid's upstairs, we're not being very loud..." because we weren't - I mean, we're all very normal, considerate people, we weren't yelling or partying it up because we all knew the kid was upstairs... but even if someone dropped a poker chip on the table, tom would hiss and say, "are YOU gonna stay up with him all night if he wakes up?!"...
it became no fun this no fun bloody baby world - in the words of Eddie Monsoon....

all of us knew that tom and aga had become extremely overprotective of their child (and that's fine) but it was strange - and from a few whispered conversations, I knew others felt the same - we never saw their kid.... they'd hide him away from everyone... they stressed about the smallest things, like him touching dirty playground equipment or him hurting himself... they would only let certain people watch him.....and so they couldn't go out much because they had no one they trusted to leave the kid with... they still invited us over however, and then stressed about us all being over... slowly, we stopped coming by....

aga didn't show up to my bachelorette party because she claimed her kid was sick (even though her husband would be home)... I asked her to come with me to see morrissey when I had an extra ticket - and mr lost offered to babysit - and she flaked out on me at the last minute, claiming her kid was sick - i think she didn't trust mr lost with her precious cargo.... she often didn't join tom when he came over anymore - others would come to our house and bring their kids, she chose to stay at home with hers....

they've been planning on moving back to poland for YEARS now.... they sold their second condo, they were renting an apartment, tom was having trouble with work due to the economy...
and then, for the upteenth time, they told us that they were in fact leaving....
I didn't think anything of it until I saw that they bought tickets....
I was surprised that they were actually going.... on one hand, it was a bit of a relief.... no more 'doing' stuff for them (just last week tom came over with iTunes problems and he couldn't get his pictures off his old computer; he wanted to come by again this week because his iTunes still wasn't working - he's trying to copy music into iTunes that i don't think will work with it - iTunes is touchy with stuff you're getting off of free music websites but he just doesn't get it) so like I said, on one hand, it's a relief that they're leaving... and it's also kind of sad... kind of the end of an era.... except that to me, that era ended a few years ago already, and these last two years has been sort of going through the motions...
besides, they spent more time with their friends who have kids lately than with us... they didn't even invite us to their kids 2nd birthday party....

so last saturday - a big going away bash - around 70 people showed up... people I haven't seen in weeks, months and some, even years...
it was like the old days! it was a lot of fun.... I drank.... and drank.... and talked.. and drank.... and danced....we arrived home at 5am - we haven't done that in YEARS.....
but you see, I took it a bit too far.... (me and an open bar - not a good combination....) and so by the end of the night, I don't think I even knew who the hell I was much less, what we were doing there....
people were crying and I pulled an Eddie - "Crying?? squish squish - how d'you do that?? crying??" I came up to them and was like, "Why is everyone crying??" and they're like, um - because we're LEAVING?? oh.... hmmm.... ok.. and I just continued on my merry way with a shrug...
I'm just not that sad about it - in my mind - people come and go and they're moving on and we'll see them when we see them - they're not DYING or anything - no one's sick - no one's going away to jail or anything...I'm just not very emotional about it... hell, if someone told me to pack my shit, we're leaving the country - i'd be pretty thrilled... excited....

and they were all reminiscing and remembering and I realized, I don't care for reminiscing... I haven't thought about those years for a long time now.... people moved on, had kids or whatever, moved away and grew up - and those partying days with that group, they're over.... but whatever.... it happens.... we're not 23 anymore...
I'm more concerned with the future.... i'm more embroiled in what do *I* have to do next... I'm not sad about the past, it just is what it is.... and thank god it was fun....

but maybe i'm not being very nice about it.... in fact, I think I hurt their feelings a bit.... the next day, we saw them and they were sort of rehashing how I had asked why people were crying - they were like, "Well, believe it or not, SOME people are sad that we're leaving!!" I was like, oops.... they continued with "you guys are probably thrilled that we're leaving - you guys are probably just waiting for us to go!"
well, they've been saying they're going FOREVER and now they finally are - i dunno - maybe I've had time to come to terms with it... maybe I don't care because I know that I'll see them at some point - either in poland or elsewhere.... we'll talk on skype..... i mean, yeah, we're losing some friends, but maybe i'll miss them in a few months.... who knows...

but I don't like goodbyes.... I especially don't like long, drawn out goodbyes... I don't actually want to say goodbye at all.... I think we should see them on saturday, the day before they leave, and then just say 'bye' like any other saturday night...
maybe people need to actually be gone before I miss them... no point in missing them ahead of time....

learning things about myself today....

1) if at first you don't succeed (making a mojito, that is) try, try again.... my third incarnation - muah! yummy.....

2) friends and money.... never mix.... friends (who are leaving the country soon, as it were) want to borrow $500 dollars... they are notorious big spenders and constantly broke.... he claims he wants it for a suit (???) I know... I don't believe him either. we are going there in a few hours to play cards but in addition, to bring the loot.... I am not amused.... so what have I learned? I'm pretty cheap actually.... go figure..... but this has really upset me... I don't like the idea of giving them money.... hence point number 1.... that's really not a small sum...

3) i am also the type of person one yells at on the screen in movies - you know - hears a noise, goes investigates.... I thought someone was coming up the back stairs just now so I ran to the back door, listened a bit, and then in the manner of 'girl about to be stabbed' I opened the door to see what's what....
well, it was nothing.... but I needed to be sure! even at the price of my head....
to be fair, I did tense up and get 'ready to pounce' so I probably would've been ok had it been an axe murderer.....
a mojito to the eye for him....

so I may have mentioned before how my mom's really religious.... she's not religious in a *christian* sort of way though - she doesn't have a jesus fish emblem on her car and she doesn't talk about jesus in the first person or anything crazy like that (you know - how people say, I turned to Jesus and HE helped me *or* HE loves me, or HE loves you or us or whatever) - she's more old-school catholic where you're not really sure about god - where it's all a mystery - but JUST IN CASE - you go to church every single sunday and you go to confession and you have a million kids.... and you get on with your life and hope for the best....

so ANYWAYS, my sister D is in London for the semester and she's been doing weekend trips here and there....
she went to Amsterdam a few weeks ago....
she called our mom to tell her all about it - she told her it was pretty and that there was lots to see and do - she told her that she saw prostitutes and saw a man propositioning one (or does the prostitute proposition? not sure which way that goes) and that they sell weed and other drugs in cafes.... and she told my mom about how she partook of the weed :) she told her about buying a brownie with weed in it....
my mom's reaction??
"Oh D..... really...... sweets? during lent??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

but yeah, Easter's coming up.... Easter in a Catholic house really just sucked.... it was church church church..... hours of church.....

this whole week has the ole Catholic guilt flaring up....

last Sunday was palm sunday.... then tonight is something else (stations of the cross maybe?? which is like 2 hours of praying as they go from station to station) then there's holy thursday... which is something else... then Friday's the big one - I think - where they reenact the whole crucifixion - they used to also have a statue of Jesus, fallen under the cross, and this statue was wheeled out into the middle of the church and everyone would line up to go kiss the statue.... I remember being little and the whole thing was wierd - first of all, you're at church at night.... there's no music or anything at this mass.... you line up and all kiss a statue.. I remember this white marble thing COVERED in lipstick marks.... you'd have to find a place to kiss it that was clear and free.... looking back, I really wonder why women would wear lipstick on this particular day.... common courtesy people.... but all this led to Saturday - easter basket day - and fasting - so you go to church with this basket of all the lovely food that you can't have yet - wait in line again, this time, to get it blessed....
and then you go home and stare at all the lovely food.... and wait.... and you really weren't supposed to have any fun either - so like music and movies were frowned upon.... later when i was older, we used to go out with the warning of "Don't have fun! don't go to clubs or anything like that - it's just not nice...." which of course, we'd ignore....

then Sunday - up at the crack of dawn for a 2 hour mass commencing at 5:30 or 6am.... but this time they carry another statue around - Jesus triumphant...... they go around and around the church - 10, 20, a million times.... and you kneel when they come round and you stand when they pass.... kneel..... stand.... kneel.... stand.... while your stomache rumbles.... especially not fun if hungover! I remember one year - I must've been 16 or 17 - I came to church straight from being out :) that was a difficult mass.....
and then finally - it's all lifted - you're free! you can eat! you can eat whatever you want! you run home for a huge meal.....
and somehow, even on the colder Easter's - THAT was the start of the summer.... officially....

living on my own, I've sort of peripherally participated in all this.... and it's more of a cultural thing than a religious thing for me nowadays.... and while I sort of miss it in a strange way, I don't feel inclined to participate....

my mom will ask me if I've been to church or she'll say things like, you know - today's holy tuesday or it's sacred wednesday or it's stations of the cross day or what have you - and I'll be like, oh, yeah - i know.... I'll - um - I'll get right on that... yeah - I'll uh - I'll go and *do* all that....

I was tempted to make up an easter basket and go get it blessed on saturday - but again - I can't really be bothered....
maybe if I have kids one day - maybe I'll do it then.... as a sort of cultural link - to feel a part of something....
kind of like when I got married - I got married in a church with the full catholic mass and all that... and people will ask why I did it that way - and I have to explain how it's not really a religious thing, it's more of a cultural thing..... it's just what we do....

I guess it's times like easter or weddings or christenings where I struggle with cultural expectations and religion - the two are really blurred for me.....

whew.... 2 morrissey shows this past weekend.... I was sort of busy beforehand and I didn't have a lot of time to dwell on the upcoming shows or even think about them too much and then they came - and went - and now I'm sad :(

Milwaukee show - I was on the barrier.... lovely show, lovely moz.... I will keep a memory of him as he stepped into a pool of light right above me.... you can do nothing but just smile from ear to ear when he's right there :)
I love the mic cord whipping - that, along witht he tambourine dance - *sigh* such a beautiful beast....

no handshake for me - of course - as I've mentioned before, moz hates me... I'm the susan lucci of the barrier - I've been up there like 9 times and never gotten a handshake - but this time (hence the title of this entry) I had given up already and I didn't even go for a handshake.... it made for a much more enjoyable show not having that hope or expectation or whatever you wanna call it.....
driving home, deaf in one ear, i was tired and happy....

chicago - i had 2 tickets to the aragon, thinking that I'd ask someone to go with me or maybe mr. lost would come along... mr. lost was a conscientious objector - he wanted no part of it..... my friend A said she wanted to go but she didn't have a babysitter... mr. lost apparently would rather babysit than see moz so I told her he'd watch her kid - then she called back and said she was actually really hung over and thought she'd feel better but she still felt bad... that and her kid had a fever, etc. etc.
so off I went, alone....
and I had a wonderful time.... being at the back of the venue was different - it was a sea of humanity.... arms waving.... lit up in wierd shades of color....
I had a few beers and milled around...
the attitude in the back is much more relaxed - you can leave your spot, you can wander around... a whole new experience for me :) thus far i eitehr had a seat, or I was up in the first two rows....
Moz looked and sounded amazing....
seeing him up there in a tux in the spotlight was just classic..... I *loved* the backdrop too - the sailor lights up and then he becomes a silhouette.....
the whole show is just rockin', it really is.... except for Seasick - not rockin but oh my god do I love that song.... it's always been one of my favorites - cuts to the bone that one.... especially lately.....
I'm so glad he's still touring - it really means a lot to see him....

and now that the hubbub is over and dreary life drags on - I find myself searching upcoming shows, scheming ways of getting myself there....
checking prices.... dreaming.... scheming... checking prices again....

when did shopping become so difficult??

Last night I ran out to Target to pick up a few things.... item one - toilet paper.....
what the hell is going on in the toilet paper aisle lately? hm?
I wandered to and fro -
8 Double rolls.... all right....toss 'em in the basket....
but wait - here are 6 MEGA rolls for virtually the same price.....is Mega better than Double??
is that better?? ok how many sheets per bag? how many feet per roll? 237... and these are 289.... sure that's a few more feet, but there are only 6 rolls, I'll be back here picking up another bag soon if I only get 6 rolls....
oh, hold on - there's a huge 24 roll bag for a bit more and i'll never have to get toilet paper again!
but I don't want to spend 20 bucks on toilet paper for chrissakes.... plus they won't fit in the basket...
ok, 4 triple rolls?? 290 ft..... what were the other ones again?
8 rolls 3-ply extra soft? 3 ply?? they make 3 ply? I gotta see this - I'll get those....
oh crap - they're infused with aloe.... I don't want aloe infused toilet paper...
and on and on it went....
it took me 15 minutes of standing there and in the end, i don't even remember what I picked....

for me, toilet paper should be a binary situation - you either have it or you're out of it.... they've turned it into a circus.....

and then onto dishwashing liquid.... and since I wash dishes by hand, the scent is important to me.....
there's another 15 minutes:
Lavender scented.... that smells nice.... but not for dishes...
with bleach?? dishwashing liquid with bleach? no.....
but wait - what does it smell like? ugh, no....
melon blossoms?? spring freshness?? lilac fields??
orange - no....
antibacterial - no....
softens hands?? ewwww.... it'll be moisturizing my dishes...
all natural??
pink grapefruit??
oh god - just whatever already....

and in the end, the dishwashing liquid I tossed into the basket ended up leaking... I hadn't closed it properly after popping the top to sniff it....

some days even the simplest tasks are draining.....

in other news - I am busy experiencing a Moz-rennaissance! the new album is fantastic.... it's giving me the ole' moz goosebumps - I hum it all day at my desk - I find myself sitting in my car, parked at my destination, all my stuff together and ready to go - and there i am, waiting for the song to end before I get out of the car...
it's been a looooong time since I've had an album give me that reaction..... I didn't have it with Quarry or Ringleader....

my favorite song on there has got to be Carol - soooo great... but I really like all of them.... except maybe 'you were good in your time' - that's probably my least favorite....
in this vein, since Refusal has taken up residence in my car, I dug out my copy of Quarry - which hasn't seen the light of day in probably over 2 years....
last week, during my saturday morning cleaning routine, I blasted quarry throughout the house.... and I think the recent glow of refusal has permeated all things Moz because i found myself loving it again....
I had forgotten that it too, was quite good.... in its time ;)

"I wanna leave a happy memory
when I go, I wanna leave something
to let the whole world know,
that the rock-n-roll daddy has
a done passed on, but my bones
will keep a rockin' long after I've gone

Roll on
Rock on
Raw Bones
Well I still got all the rythem in these
Rockin' Bones

Well when I die don't you bury
me at all, Just nail my bones up on
the wall, Beneath these bones let
these words be seen, "This is the
bloody gears of a
boppin' machine"

Roll on
Rock on
Raw Bones
Well I still got all the rythem in these
Rockin' Bones

And I worry about tomorrow just
thinkin' about tonight, My bones are
getting restless and I do it up right,
A few more times around a hardwood
floor, Before we turn off the lights and
close the door...."

I was singing a Cramps song in my head last night when I thought I'd check my emails before bed....
"what color panties are you wearing? what color panties are you wearing?? what color panties are you wearing?????
and... how long have you been wearing them??"
I sang to myself as i danced down the hall.... of all the songs.... and I plopped down and read about Lux Interior dying....

to be honest, I've never known too much ABOUT The Cramps themselves - I have 2 or 3 of their cd's and I love them.... and for a prude like me, they bring a strange fascination :) just great stuff....
I did see that they were touring a few years ago, i was looking them up and I saw that they had played shows near me... I was kind of sad to have missed them, but then I thought, well, I don't think I'd actually GO - they're so intense-like - so crazy seeming - it was all very intimidating and I thought I'd feel out of place....
I didn't even much know what they looked like up until yesterday - their CD covers were blurred - flamejob has Ivy in a mask on the cover... I didn't know where they were from or how old they were.... and I never thought to find out either....
they were always sort of faceless, ageless, alien.... and that really worked well for me. and add to that, no one i know knows who they are - they were like my own little secret - my twisted version of rockabilly....

so I never had the urge to see them live - but damn - did I like their sound....
this morning as "Inside Out and Upside Down With You" shuffled on my ipod on the drive to work, instead of my usual bouncy rockin sing-a-long, I listened to it with sadness....
"I'd like to go around the world with you.... I'd like to lick the bottoms of your feet... and drink fizzy booze from your shoes.... inside out and upside down with you...."