I am not superstitious and I certainly think Karma is bunk. But something makes me hesitate shouting at the top of my lungs, "life is good," out of fear that I will jinx myself—that the hubris police will come cracking down and put me back in my miserable place. Maybe I am simply not used to success. It feels different. I feel vulnerable. Could I lose it all in a moment's notice?
I should feel I deserve this chance at greatness. Haven't I suffered enough? I don't want to be a victim anymore. I honestly believe as long as you take on that role you will be limited. You can't be a winner and a loser at the same time. Attitude is everything. Letting go of grudges and past hurts is essential. What was, is no longer so. Move the fuck on.
For the first time in a very long time I have financial security, nice clothes, a great apartment, a car that is paid for, serenity, a great relationship with my mother and son, and a future. I really will be going to England soon. And to Spain—a foodie's paradise.
If I go to England, who will I go with? Where will I stay? For how long? What cities will I visit? In the end will I be better off for going or just a little lighter on the cash?
I want to call my sister. I want her to be proud of my accomplishments. But I am not sure the news would be received well. Instead of being happy for me, I gather she may feel a hint of competitiveness and envy. It shouldn't be that way. I really wish it wasn't.
And so, there it is, I am happy, thriving, intellectually stimulated and fulfilled, busy, and can't wait to go back to work on Monday. I really love what I do now—for the first time, really. I think I found my calling—for now at least.
Success is the only revenge I seek.