Solitary Woman

By realitybites · Apr 1, 2014 · ·
  1. Some people spend the better part of their days actively thinking about and looking for love. What they want is to deeply connect with another. To have companionship. A special person to spend time with. Someone to confide in. And this is a truism found in all age groups from young teens to people in their 90s.

    And most of these folks do find love. Once. Twice. Lots of times. Many are serial monogamists—going from one relationship to another without pause or reflection. They just need that void filled quickly. Being alone is too lonely.

    Then there are a few of us who are a different kind of animal. We function best when alone. Are happiest living as solitary creatures. And thus fiercely resist merging our lives with another. Cohabitation is done out of economic necessity, if ever, but never because one wants the company of a housemate/live in lover. We are all most likely introverts. Extroverts crave social interaction. Actually seek it out like hunters. What do introverts do? Nothing. We aren't proactive about dating or finding love. We can't be bothered. We are content in our little worlds of one. We enjoy our own company more than the company of others. Doesn't mean we are misanthropes. Not at all. For I love people. I find them fascinating—to observe, and interact with. But on my terms. When I want. When I am in the mood.

    But, even the most introverted of us needs to have connections with our fellow human beings. The desire to share and express oneself and have a listener on the other end, is, I believe, universal. No one wants to only live entirely in their heads. But what someone like me wants is a mirror image, I believe. Someone very similar to ourselves. Why? Because we are terrible at compromising. And compromise is the thing one must do if one wants a partner. It is the price of admission.

    It seems I am having a very difficult time paying that price. It is just too much. I tried making a deal-breakers list:

    Passive aggressive
    Alcoholic/drug addict/smoker
    Abusive/critical/possessive/jealous
    Needy/insecure/clingy
    Unattractive/grossly overweight/facial hair​

    But it was not all-inclusive. There are so many more in my mind. In fact, two that I had not listed, ARE mentioned in my Plenty of Fish profile... in a not so subtle way. How is this for a stop sign?:

    If you love dogs and/or are religious or spiritual, we may clash. But I am open to chatting with anyone.​

    Or how about this, a little polemic against romantic love, that I posted out on the forum last week. Does it speak of compromise?

    I love the high of being in love. But when that fades, if there is not a friendship or deep respect for that person, I will lose interest. And that feeling of being in love lasts how long exactly? Not very long. And chances are I don't even really know or like that person very much. But I thought I 'loved' them. That is until the chemicals that bathed my brain in the delusion of love dissipate. Then I am left with someone and don't know what to do with them. I don't want to do the co-dependent thing. Not my style. I am a shark, not a swan. So I become single again. And start chasing that next high. It is about feeling good. Not about a contract. Or buying a house together. Or raising kids. Romantic love is about chemicals, like you said. And sex. Sexual attraction disguised as interest in the person and their lives.

    Love for my son and mother are different. It is not a delusion brought on by pheromones and hormones. They are real stable relationships that have become strong over time.

    I like having both. Key is to not try to make the first seem like it is of the second type.

    Sadly, I still buy into all that romantic love BS in film and books. I don't know why exactly. And it is not a good thing. Because those stories tell me there is something wrong with me because I don't want those things. Or can't have them. Or can't sustain a (co-dependent) relationship.

    I want sex and passion. But I don't want to hold your hand while we walk down the beach. We are not one. We will never be one. I am me, you are you. Stop being so clingy.

    I asked my mom recently why I can't be like everyone else--happily married for years. She said, "It's not for you. You never wanted those things. You were always so independent." She is right. And as I get older and crave sex less, I am less inclined to shack up just to get those needs met. It gets easier being a shark when your hormone levels drop. The urge to merge lessens. Thank gawd.

    That is why dating is kind of a joke for me. For what? For a long-term relationship? Someone to DO things with? I am an indoors person who loves being alone. Sex? Well he better be freaking good in bed or a hand will do the trick.​

    Do those words suggest I am wanting and willing to compromise? That I even want a relationship at all?

    And yet, I am currently interacting with seven men on POF. All of them are very sweet and considerate. But two stand out. One is a poet! We have been chatting through the construction of one long, ongoing poem. Fun! That is what I want. Fun. No compromising. No headaches.

    The other, chatted me up on day one before my profile was complete. Very handsome guy. We have been texting the last few days. But last night he sent a message after reading my updated profile. He asked, "No dogs or religion? I have a dog and am Christian." I wrote back with a snarky reply, which, WOW, I cannot copy and past here, because guess what? He just NOW deleted and blocked me. And our exchanges are now invisible. Holy cow! Here I am thinking I am the one being closed-minded. Please. Well, this gives me the out I needed, right? But truly, who ended things? I did, with my over-the-top, atheist, anti-dog mini rant/reply I sent him. I did write again, right away, however, and apologized. I am very good at apologizing. Just not always good at censoring my thoughts/opinions.

    Why is delete the way so many men seem to go? The ultimate snub. What are we in high school? I mean really. Can't you just tell the person, I think we are incompatible and should discontinue corresponding? It is so odd, especially when no stalkerish behavior has been demonstrated on my part. Just the opposite. Well, maybe that is it. His ego was bruised. Mr. Hot Stuff isn't used to someone putting on the brakes. And I can think of another example of a person who was fond of deleting. Perhaps it is all about ego. Oh, grow up already boys! This woman is looking for a man. I think. Well maybe not looking. But I definitely know I am not settling for a little boy.

    So, I guess it is the poetry man for now. Maybe we can keep things light. And poetic. If so, maybe I'll stick around. Maybe he'll stick around.

Comments

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  1. Oh my god. it's Robby!
    yeah, am I best alone?
    perhaps, but I feel I could be more
    good for another and thereby good for the world
    which is my ultimate goal
    I had an epiphany on top of a glacier about 4 years ago:
    one cannot be good for the world alone
    -these words just came into my head, as if from up above, outside of me, if you don't get that
    its OK, but it shook me to my bones, I am still dealing with the fall out
    and of course, one can interpret these words anyway they want to
    but for me, it feels terrifying to be an introvert who strives to be an extrovert, but this I must, else, why live?
    for you?
    who knows :confused:
    are you happy now?
    are you doing good, maybe this matters not to you(my guess it does for you are a good person imho), but it does for me, I may no longer live by some strict code of "honor"
    but such ethos live through my pathos
    and while I can feel fine doing good all by lonesome, I just want more, I had a taste of that today, really connecting
    I wish this for all, even the "big bug" who terrorizes this place :crazy:
    as to your deal breakers, even though I contributed more than once to that thread, I actually am a 180 on that whole mentality
    to me, its about what do you really like and love in this world
    for that, well, one can forgive or endure anything
    and guess what?
    even if someone passes your deal breaker rules, you will still have to deal with them in spite of this, that or the other about them
    regardless, good ReBi, the voyage continues!
  2. realitybites
    I am happy. And I am doing well. I don't feel like I am missing anything. But I like being in love and I like great sex. I guess I could just fall in and out of love and sleep around for the next 50 years. I dunno. :p
  3. Oh my god. it's Robby!
    sounds like a plan :thumb:
  4. realitybites
    Sounds like a way to get an STD and a few stalkers. Kidding. :p