First person is the (l)on(e)ly person

By Psychodreamer · Jan 21, 2014 · ·
  1. Don't you just hate wanting to belong? It sickens me to the point I never admit it anywhere. Well, except here. In a strange way, the fact that strangers will get here by mistake or intention gives me great joy. I am a stereotype. I am a loner, I feel as misunderstood as a teenager and I both hate and love myself, which sickens me even more than wanting to belong. How does one belong to a group of loners? Loners are alone, if they are not alone they are hypocrites.
    I decided to write this here because this is the day I realized I had no best friends. What is the point of carrying on if there are no superlatives in your life, not even when it comes to friendship? What is my understanding of a best friend? Someone you can share your filthy obsessions with and they will find it endearing instead of creepy. As I reread this last phrase I realize how much I sound like a 15 year old, and not in the ageist kind of way, I was mocked enough for being too young when I was too young, but in the inexperienced way. I simply can't wrap my head around the fact that there are so many things missing and yet I carry on. I see it not as a proof of courage, but of cowardice. How many times have you pictured yourself dead? I stare and I stare in the mirror and see pores and hairs and white and pink and hazel and I wonder once more who do I want to impress by living? Is there really a point to being ordinary and never extraordinary? Surely everyone wants to be remembered, but that is selfish and it brings me even more guilt. My depression brings me guilt, my happy moments bring me guilt because I don't feel like myself, they feel like betrayal. Last night I dreamed I was driving a car and I ran myself over and I woke up with a big smile on my face.

    See even this post is ordinary. How do I live with this banality? How do I live if belonging brings comfort, but also la nausée?

    "At this very moment - it's frightful - if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire." Why bother saying something if Sartre said it before? The insignificance of 1 compared to 7 billion is standing on my shoulders and resting just like the celestial sphere on Atlas.

    I came here to tell the deaf and blind world about a dream I had and now I am here to tell it about the nightmare I am living. And I am so afraid of Post Now, but I am also afraid of all the days that went by without connecting with another human soul. Post Now.


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  1. realitybites
    You are welcome. So glad you joined the forum. We can be a little less lonely together.
  2. Psychodreamer
    I've watched the episode last night after you gave me the link, it was really funny, I wouldn't have chosen those exact places to show to a tourist, but I liked it nonetheless. Our local cuisine is ridiculously unhealthy!

    Glad to know we share the same thoughts on old age, actually I think it's what everyone aspires to, in one way or another, though I have met my share of both bitter and graceful senior citizens.

    My inbox is filled with delights now, thank you for them and for making loneliness a little less lonely.
  3. realitybites
    Did you ever see the episode of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations when he was in Romania? I love all his shows. But apparently the locals were quite upset with the way they were depicted. Maybe you would agree? Just found the full episode on YouTube: AB Romania.

    I love eBooks as well! I am sending you the link to Hitch's book and some links to a few more I think you might like. Check your inbox in about ten minutes.

    It’s good to learn about your father too, the “not so much anymore” part. Even if scientists say we shrink in size as we grow older, it’s good to know we can still grow in other ways. I can only dream of reaching old age and turning into a noble person, completely at peace with what I have become.

    Love this. And, me too.

    If I don't see you around again tonight, sleep well.
  4. Psychodreamer
    I would say it’s a shame you never visited the vampire land, but I hate it here so I won’t. Actually it has its appeal for the tourists, so it might be a shame after all. The mountains are gorgeous, a perfect place to (figuratively) get lost in. I just visited Slovakia, well, Bratislava. What a gorgeous city, I have no idea how it was back in ’91, but it’s so beautiful to see a city that displays history no matter where you turn your head. Well, all I can say is that if you’ll ever decide to visit Vampiria, count me in as the guide.
    I’d love to read Hitchens, just read a couple of things on Wikipedia and I must admit I am intrigued. And yes to the link, I have an e-reader and I can’t picture my life without it. I’m not so sure you will like Cioran, I’ve noticed you have the thirst for life that he definitely lacked. BUT if you are like me, you will also enjoy a wild ride through a tormented mind. They’re the best, these minds. But you already know that, since we’re here in Morrissey’s Inferno, where all hope is to be abandoned. (Sometimes I’m nervous and I make stupid jokes that only I laugh at)
    I have noticed the thread, have no idea what it’s really about, deep down inside I am still a little bright-eyed girl wondering why can’t we all just get along.
    Your family sounds pretty amazing, I can’t even imagine how refreshing it must be to grow up with a strong mother figure! My mom is afraid of her own shadow, haha, if only she knew I was talking about her on a Morrissey website at 1 AM (my local time). It’s good to learn about your father too, the “not so much anymore” part. Even if scientists say we shrink in size as we grow older, it’s good to know we can still grow in other ways. I can only dream of reaching old age and turning into a noble person, completely at peace with what I have become.
  5. realitybites
    Ahaha. Yes, I missed the 'country' part. Being the clever girl I am, I used a clue you gave and now know where you hail from. :) Have never been there myself. But was in Czechoslovakia in 91'. Wanted to visit your country but was pressed for time. And it was cold as hell when I was there. Roads were not good and we needed gas coupons. We were driving by car through Europe.

    Will have to check out Cioran. Hitchens is larger than life. Even in death. He died a few years ago of esophageal cancer. He was one of the New Atheists. Actually an anti-theist. Love him. I hope you get a chance to check him out. If you enjoy reading, which it seems you must as you are well versed in the philosophy department, you might want to check out "god is not Great." Do you have access to a tablet or e-reader? I can send you the link to my Box where you can download the book for free (obviously), if you want. I think it is his Magnum Opus.

    Ah, you have seen some of my posts. Perhaps you have also noticed the hate thread in my honor in the Pigsty? It was erected by my archenemy. She is not allowed to troll me any longer, so she has to vent in that thread. It is like a timeout box for children who cannot control their impulses. You will soon see that she is a bit obsessed with me. Reads all my posts and feels compelled to post commentary on them. Fortunately this only takes place in the Pigsty now.

    Anyhow, I was raised to be just the opposite of a people pleaser. My mom is also very opinionated and assertive. Tells it like she sees it. My dad is the more sensitive, considerate parent. But he is no doormat. Well, he can be. Or was when I was growing up. But not so much anymore.
  6. Psychodreamer
    I forgot to mention that, to my shame, I never heard of Christopher Hitchens. Just searched for his name and of course he is famous and I should have known about him, but apparently news on him never made it to my isolated country and to my isolated mind. I'll look into it. Into him, to be more specific. No wait, that sounded weird. Into it.
  7. Psychodreamer
    I think you misread the tagline, it's actually my location "Former communist country". Figures, since "country" is so far to the right. :)

    I love philosophy in general, my taste is pretty eclectic. I like to see myself as an objective and empathetic person, always trying to figure out WHY people say the things they say and the context of their affirmations. Though I am a die-hard existentialist (pun intended), here are my favorites (don't agree with them fully at all times, though): Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Rousseau, Thoreau, Emerson and my local philosopher Cioran. Quite an interesting bunch, right? :lbf:

    I must admit the thought of people hating me disturbs me greatly, even though it's as unavoidable as teenage acne. All I can say is that I have noticed you have a strong personality, just like many others on this website, so kudos for making your voice heard. :) En ce qui concerne Morrissey, I don't feel I share his identity, in fact I don't feel I share anyone's identity (I don't even recognize myself at times), I simply love his music and his mind. He is, as the great mustache man said it, Human, all too human, just like the rest of us.
  8. realitybites
    Hello comrade. Your English is excellent! Are you a lover of philosophy in general, or just existentialist philosophy? I see your tagline reads, ex communist. Still a Marxist? An atheist. Well alright! I think you and I will get along just fine. :)

    I am a loner as well. Not into the group thing. Though the 'shoulds' get in the way, leaving me guilty for not participating more in group activities.

    I am very outspoken. Not a people pleaser at all. But this can be problematic as I have many haters here, so it seems. I never try to intentionally hurt someone--unless of course I am being attacked and put on a defense. But simply saying what I think about religion, politics, and Morrissey often hurts others. Perhaps some are too sensitive and take offense too easily? I mean seriously, they are not Morrissey so why do they take personal offense if I say he is hypocritical at times? They seem unable to separate themselves from him. Like they are a single identity. Creepy. What do you think of Christopher Hitchens? You can hate him. And say so. I won't mind. :p
  9. Psychodreamer
    Oh I only wish I could be as opinionated, if there is one thing I admire some people for it's their ability to say things that others would prefer to remain unsaid. I am more of a "try to please everyone" kind of girl, whilst secretly dying with rage on the inside for not speaking my mind. It's the spirit I was raised in ("shut up and do well upon others, not yourself") and the spirit I am trying to "shake" right now.

    And yes, I am an atheist who also obsesses over Camus, I laugh now as I remember the first time I read "The Myth of Sisyphus" in a train a long time ago and feeling such a sad happiness for, well, belonging, since I made this blog post entirely about this concept. Even though I occasionally feel "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member", I always fall back in love with the absurdity of it all and carry on.

    So hello and thank you for the warm comment, writing this reply caused me great anxiety as I am always unsure of my English skills *insert nervous laughter*!
  10. realitybites
    Loved this. Was not ordinary in the slightest. I see a fellow existentialist on board. Welcome. I am the person who thought you were a troll for saying Reality bites, on the forum. Some people here write my name that way instead of 'realitybites.' So, sorry about that. And I get trolled a bit for being opinionated.

    I see you have been reading Sartre. I am more of a Camus fan myself. Are you an atheist, by chance?