I 've had trouble sleeping for a long time now. I have probably written before that I can`t sleep without the help of meds. I have racing thoughts and they seem to get worse at night. During the day there are distractions. Like errands I have to run and household things that need to get done. Nights I sit in my bedroom and watch TV. Nights are the worst for me because that`s when I feel the loneliest. It`s quieter at night but my thoughts grow louder at night. They go from very unwanted , intrusive thoughts to sillier things like making up lists about a certain thing or another. They just don`t let me rest or relax. When I lay my head down on pillow at night to rest these thoughts keep me up . They keep me up all night if I don`t take my meds. If I have taken my meds I just try to be patient and wait for them to kick in. I think my insomnia comes mostly from my condition. Racing thoughts are a part of bipolar disorder and they keep me up at night. Insomnia is also part of it. I really envy people that can just lay down at night and fall asleep. I have a hard time remembering when I could do that.
Meds help me sleep but sometimes I think they make me sleep too much that`s why sometimes I don`t take. Sometimes I need to get things done early and my medication prevents me from doing that. There was a time when I used to sleep only every other day. Then the next day I would sleep all day. That makes it pretty difficult to get things accomplished.
I hate what this illness has done to me. I`m a total loser because of it and I hate myself. I wish I could accomplish something good and make my family proud. I wish I could make them not worry about me. They deserve much more than I can give them. This is what makes me saddest of all the fact that I`ve done nothing at all with my life and I`m just a waste of space . That`s what I think of myself. My family may have not always understood this illness but they have educated themselves and now they understand me better. They try to help me and they do help me. I love them all so much I just wish I could do better.