Blog Entries from Tibby

  1. After All This Time

    I`m feeling pretty blue at the moment. Blue and empty inside. I feel the time passing by and I`m still here. It`s been better and it`s been much worse but it never goes away. Ever since I became ill I feel like I've never had a moment of peace. My mind is always going on a loop thinking of the worse case scenario`s . I haven`t hurt myself physically in years now and I don`t want to really return to that unhealthy type of coping mechanism but sometimes I miss it like an old friend. I mean it...
  2. There Must Be Something.......

    What`s wrong with you ? Why don`t you smile more ? I can`t answer those questions : out loud to anyone anyway. I can admit it to myself though. What`s wrong with me ? For one thing I am terribly unhappy. For another I've been feeling horribly lonely lately. I do have my family and believe me I`m really grateful for that and I know some people have it much worse than I do. I am very aware of that. I know what makes me feel so alone. It`s what`s wrong with me and it`s what sometimes makes my...
  3. Tired and Useless

    I`m listening to Morrissey`s song "Lost" right now. Which is exactly how I feel right now. I`m in an awful depression right now. I`m tired all the time and can`t find the motivation to get a whole lot done right now . I mean I try but I think some people might just think I`m being lazy. I hate to think people are thinking of me that way. I've written about what a wonderful Mom and sisters and nieces and nephews that I have but I feel so lonely right now. I feel like no one understands that...
  4. I`m So Sick And Tired

    I've been having sleepless nights. Nights are the worst for me. My mind races and goes through every worse case scenario. I hate when it starts to get dark now. It used to be quite the opposite. I used to wait for the night to come. I used to get a lot of things done. I also used to wait for everyone in the house to fall asleep so I would be able to self injure without getting caught. Now that I don`t do that anymore I have nothing to look forward to at night. Since I don`t self injure...
  5. Maybe This Year

    I've been like this for years now. Ill that is. When I was first treated for mental illness I was treated for depression and anxiety. Now my diagnosis is bipolar 2 with panic disorder. I feel my depression more than hypomania. I've read a lot of people with bipolar 2 are also that way. I've also dealt with an eating disorder and self injury. For years I've been dealing with all of this. With bipolar it`s a lifelong thing. Now it`s a new year. I`m always hoping for a fresh start. I`m always...
  6. Still I Cling

    I don`t remember the exact time I discovered this thing. This thing that made me feel better. This thing that brought me this strange form of relief. Even I know it`s a strange thing to do to yourself. It`s also weird that doing that to yourself takes you (temporarily) away from what`s going on in your head. It makes you feel better for a few moments. You think it helps you when in reality it hurts you. It leaves those ugly scars behind. Your wounds may heal but those scars will never fade....
  7. Disorder

    I 've had trouble sleeping for a long time now. I have probably written before that I can`t sleep without the help of meds. I have racing thoughts and they seem to get worse at night. During the day there are distractions. Like errands I have to run and household things that need to get done. Nights I sit in my bedroom and watch TV. Nights are the worst for me because that`s when I feel the loneliest. It`s quieter at night but my thoughts grow louder at night. They go from very unwanted ,...
  8. The Scars Still Linger

    It`s been a few years now since I last self injured. I still wear the marks it left. The scars are still there reminding me of what I did to myself. All the time I dragged the razor or scissors or a jagged piece of broken glass across my arm or the times I used cigarette lighters to burn myself. Sometimes I can`t believe what I`ve done to myself and I am disgusted by what I see when I look at my scars. Other times I miss the relief it used to bring. That moment when I could breathe again. I...
  9. Life Is Crazy

    This week has been difficult. I could barely drag myself out of bed yesterday. I just didn`t have the will to get up and face another day. In fact getting by day by day is really difficult for me. Just simple everyday things feel like a monumental tasks for me. I`m always so tired and have no energy. Even though I`m always so tired it takes pills to make me sleep. No meds means no sleep for me. This has gone on for years now. I can`t see an end to this. It feels like this illness has been...
  10. I`m Not Happy And I Am Sad

    I feel numb. I`m not sure if it`s the meds or not. I feel empty inside. I don`t seem capable of much these days. I look in the mirror and all I see is emptiness in my eyes. My body feels exhausted all the time. This illness takes so much from me. I don`t see my purpose in life. I don`t feel alive. I do have things I am grateful for like my family. It isn`t perfect but whose is? I feel guilty for feeling so down. I know that there are people that have it much harder than me. But I guess that...
  11. Release Me

    My week didn`t start out so well. I started the new med my psychiatrist prescribed to me last week and it didn`t agree with me. It made me sick to my stomach. I won`t be taking that again. When I saw him last week he also prescribed something that would help my anxiety during the day. I took it today and it made me feel tired. I also take it at night. My meds tend to make me sleep a lot and if I don`t take them I don`t sleep at all. I think they make me feel numb and lifeless or maybe it`s...
  12. Especially At Night

    I think I`ve written before about my anxiety coming on when it gets dark outside. It used to be different with me. A couple of years or so I only used to sleep about every other night. I had/have really bad insomnia. Now I do sleep every night that`s if I take my meds. No meds means no sleep. Anyway I used to be a real night owl. But that changed when I had awful panic attacks hit me at night. I came to dread the night. I guess I still kind of do. I hate it when it gets dark in the evening....
  13. Life Is Very Long When Your Lonely

    I can`t help feel that way tonight. I was just sitting here and a feeling of dread washed over me. I have my family and I love them but I can`t help feeling so lonely. When it gets dark it gets worse . I hate the night. My day went well enough but these awful feelings take over at night. I feel so unhappy. At times it feels like there isn`t any relief. I feel that I don`t serve any purpose in this life. I am nothing, no one. I sometimes wonder why I was put on this earth. I feel depressed...
  14. I Still Do Feel So Horribly Lonely

    I still do. I feel so lonely in this illness. I celebrated a nice Thanksgiving with my family but I couldn`t help feeling lonely even surrounded by family.The thing is I felt alone because my sisters all have their spouses and kids and I don`t have any of that. I know that I don`t need anybody to feel complete but I still feel so lost and alone. Maybe I was made to be alone. They say there`s a lid for every pot but it hasn`t happened for me. Maybe I`m just destined to be alone for the rest...
  15. Some Stuff I Was Thinking About

    I think I hate this feeling of emptiness more than the depression. No....I think I hate both equally. I feel so empty inside right now. I wonder what my being on this earth is for. I feel like I don`t contribute anything. I feel so worthless. I am nothing ,nobody . Sometimes it takes everything inside of me just to get of bed and do normal everyday things. It`s a struggle when all you want to do all day is lay in bed and stare at the wall. I wonder how long this will go on. How long will I...
Loading...