Blogs

  1. Go Rams!

    Remembering the only Super Bowl I ever went to, my dad had just weeks before made his escape from Iran and he spent a buttload of money on tickets even though he really had no place to live, crashing at some other oil engineers place while he waited for a settlement from Fluor for losing all his shit and his Iranian money now being worthless, those oil boys did come through though, got their people out(unlike the US gov) and compensated them for their troubles, Fluor, a corporation I don’t...
  2. oh yeah

    when not lot going right in life, important to note what is, still sober and still losing weight :guitar:
  3. I`m So Sick And Tired

    I've been having sleepless nights. Nights are the worst for me. My mind races and goes through every worse case scenario. I hate when it starts to get dark now. It used to be quite the opposite. I used to wait for the night to come. I used to get a lot of things done. I also used to wait for everyone in the house to fall asleep so I would be able to self injure without getting caught. Now that I don`t do that anymore I have nothing to look forward to at night. Since I don`t self injure...
  4. total fail

    So I go on my walk, and stop by Circle K just for some coffee and my old co worker is working and I notice that “Lips like Sugar” is playing through the speakers, I say to him: “Is this you?" He smiles, and tells me yeah, they let him hook up his iPhone to the store sound finally, realizing it actually lets people get more work done and the time pass better, but I’m just happy to see he’s expanded his horizons musically, use to just be whiney, emo stuff when I first started working with...
  5. opening up a 2nd front, the war on nicotine is back on!

    into day 3 now of no nicotine just went cold turkey Saturday night, this is attempt #1 of the year, these next 4 days are the worst, the desire to kill grows strong :-O
  6. Overestimator

    I am an overestimator of people. Time and time again I give them far too much credit and place way too much confidence in their integrity, honesty, intelligence and talent. I suppose because I see the glass half-full that I am susceptible to this chronic overestimation. Not only do I give people the benefit of the doubt, I actually esteem them higher than they deserve. It’s like I'm on a Kool-Aid diet when I first meet people; but then I get to know them for who they truly are and my sugary...
  7. the battle continues

    Two weeks now since the last life altering cataclysm befell me and while my rule is to only weigh myself no more than once a month or so, the scale here in the in the bathroom beckons to me every time I go in there, cuz yeah, I wanna know, I’m sure the thing I miss most about those 2 months, my daily walks along the river and fields, lacking now from my life is also putting the pounds back on, but how much? Well, here goes, the update: Weight - Date: 219 lbs - 1/17/19 2 more lbs than I...
  8. Maybe This Year

    I've been like this for years now. Ill that is. When I was first treated for mental illness I was treated for depression and anxiety. Now my diagnosis is bipolar 2 with panic disorder. I feel my depression more than hypomania. I've read a lot of people with bipolar 2 are also that way. I've also dealt with an eating disorder and self injury. For years I've been dealing with all of this. With bipolar it`s a lifelong thing. Now it`s a new year. I`m always hoping for a fresh start. I`m always...
  9. A jewel of vision...

    The sky was thick and looked like snow. Here is the weekend, rolling out like froth atop a cappuccino... Sometimes when I'm in the kitchen, I'll glance out the window and see the guy in the next building washing his dishes. Somehow it makes me feel less alone. My flat is upstairs, his is downstairs, and he's always got the blinds halfway up. Less alone, but at a distance. Once, I looked out the window as I was cleaning, just to take a break and see the trees, and I accidentally saw him...
  10. fml

    A week now since everything kicked off, lost my new job and home all in one go. Where to start? Well, I first started to suspect something was up when my mom went down to visit my brother for a few days in late November and my boss, D. came into work, not from his house which is down the hill from the office but was dropped off one time by somebody I didn’t see and another time he came in with the other guy who works in the office. Oh, important detail, my boss was my mother’s boyfriend,...
  11. Melt this snow...

    The first day of the new year existed in complete silence. Thick, rich clouds that looked like snow, mild temperatures that made it all the more surreal... I had a lot I wanted to do today, but I did nothing. Some sort of cosmic instincts were eclipsing any capacity to get up and move about. It felt like I was doing a lot of inner work that needed total stillness to complete, and I felt really alone. Even the blogs seem silent...hardly anyone posts anymore...or is this because everyone now...
  12. Apparitions...

    These musical notes are like lights in the mist, or galaxies singing to you, only you...Azam Ali's voice, specifically the self-titled Niyaz album, will see you out of the dark forest and into the shimmering one... As much of a nocturnal creature as I am, this particular daylight savings time with its 5 o'clock inky blackness is truly causing an irritating impulse to hibernate. Maybe this is because I usually work in the evenings, and I like to think that there is still some daylight left...
  13. I've been reading my old journal as redpathetic

    It seems to be an endless read, including the comments.
  14. so yeah, this is happening

    been a long time since under 220, but I know that's the easy weight to lose, its the next 17 pounds that will require more than just not eating junk, but actual effort :o
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