Blogs

  1. I know its just a number

    but I must feel a bit like Chuck Yeager did when he broke the sound barrier :cool: been decades since I've been under 200 pounds and to do it while under the stress of interviewing and now all the shit that goes with getting a work visa to china? remarkable I'd say, what's so different from all the times before is knowing myself so well, the part of me that wants to overeat, spend money on shit I don't need, argue with my asshole relatives, drink or whatever, he's just not as smart as I...
  2. back on track and it feels right

    after the real estate detour I find myself embarking on what I was meant to do a year ago, should be back in China by the end of summer. likely sooner :guitar: getting more interviews than expected at my age, perhaps China is coming to appreciate that its good to have at least one older experienced teacher on your staff of Westerners? :cool: UPDATE: 1st interview, got job if want it, but pay not so good and don't like location so much 2nd interview, the guy who would be my boss seems cool,...
  3. I`m So Sick And Tired

    I've been having sleepless nights. Nights are the worst for me. My mind races and goes through every worse case scenario. I hate when it starts to get dark now. It used to be quite the opposite. I used to wait for the night to come. I used to get a lot of things done. I also used to wait for everyone in the house to fall asleep so I would be able to self injure without getting caught. Now that I don`t do that anymore I have nothing to look forward to at night. Since I don`t self injure...
  4. opening up a 2nd front, the war on nicotine is back on!

    into day 3 now of no nicotine just went cold turkey Saturday night, this is attempt #1 of the year, these next 4 days are the worst, the desire to kill grows strong :-O
  5. Spaced...

    Maybe I feel like writing, I don't know.....peace comes in the evening, amid the glow of the lamps and a thoughtful gaze. Even if it's from miles away. There is no distance. Only love. Today we've had what feels like a tentative monsoon. Steady rain that thinks it wants to be dramatic, but only just dances on the surface. I'm ready for the deluge, it's cosy. It's the kind of atmosphere where you could just wrap yourself in velvet and listen to Sci-Fi Lullabies into the night...indeed.
  6. New home, new job

    changed so much in my life the last 2 weeks, still absorbing it all, making plenty of mistakes but recovering quickly, money never sleeps...
  7. Tea, chocolate, and space heaters...

    Ah, Brett Anderson, your memoir was too short, and beyond beautiful. What a gift for him to write Coal Black Mornings - I think I read it in only three days. He always felt so kindred, don't ask me to explain. It's just something that is felt. I wasn't feeling well yesterday, but I wafted about the used bookshop anyway, and although I didn't find what I was looking for, Orlando by Woolf leapt off the shelf at me, so I bought it, and it's the perfect thing for these chilly autumn nights....
  8. I found a picture of you...

    I come here out of nostalgia amidst this rain and fog. Here I am, pining for the early 2000s when the blog page was called the journal page and there was a strong group of regular writers who would post daily about their lives, and it was always interesting. People weren't critical, judgemental, or fake. We were just ourselves. I miss that. You can travel the world and back without even leaving your house. Emotional landscapes are limitless. I can't fill these pages with everything...
  9. Dads

    So couple of days ago my plans for the future basically blew up. Then the day after was my father’s bday, the 18th he’s been dead for, but I can still hear him now, bellowing “get the fuck back up, you got this!” and as hard as my life has been, Bob’s was filled with huge obstacles, so was my other dad’s, Reece. They both pushed through in totally different ways, Bob was a loud bundle of energy and intellect, while Reece was quiet, calm, steady and wise. I just need to channel what both...
  10. What did you do in China?

    Enquiring minds want to know it seems :guitar: Taught kids English, saw the country, ate lots, drank lots, smoked lots, dated various lovely women, some way out of my league if I’d met them back here, almost got married, couple of scrapes with the law, consulate fixed one, company worked for fixed the other, then got clean and sober long enough to just realize I wasn’t equipped there to just keep it up for too long. The expat community is mostly drunks and addicts, our AA meetings were...
  11. No one

    A normal day. It is late afternoon and I am getting my workout in. The music is blaring and I am pumped. I feel very strong. In between benchpress sets, John Denver's song, "No One" comes on. Maybe one of the saddest songs I know. The songs ending verse is belted out in a desperate and urgent plea. I am stunned into a tearful reminiscence on the bench. Oh, my young life had lived this song so many times. "I came into this lovely city About three weeks ago today And I've been trying to...
  12. Sleeping in Seattle

    Tomorrow morning I am flying to Seattle with my mom! This will be our first trip there. Both of of have traveled extensively throughout the US but never farther northwest of California. We are home. Here is the link to my Seattle Pics: [URL]https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2013636902003444.1073741828.100000714625640&type=1&l=904e74531a[/URL] The trip was wonderful. We ate the best oysters, mussels, cherries, crab, and omakase I have ever had. The weather was perfect--sunny for six of the...
  13. Dear dead dad

    Today is the 18th birthday you didn’t live to see, would’ve made you a ripe old age of 72, real up there age wise for the men in our fam as our history goes. Anyways, I’d like to say that I finally got it all worked out, you dont have to worry, I mean I am 46 now, but well, I don’t, but often when I do its because I remember something you said to me when you were alive. I just didn’t listen to at the time, but I did hear it and remember lots of it. You were so right about so much. I can...
  14. Bourdain

    One year ago today you left us. Still sad. Still confused. I fear I will never know why you chose to go. :( My goodness, I sure would like to sit down with you and share a beer or a cup of coffee. You were one of a kind. You are missed and loved by millions.
  15. Tired and Useless

    I`m listening to Morrissey`s song "Lost" right now. Which is exactly how I feel right now. I`m in an awful depression right now. I`m tired all the time and can`t find the motivation to get a whole lot done right now . I mean I try but I think some people might just think I`m being lazy. I hate to think people are thinking of me that way. I've written about what a wonderful Mom and sisters and nieces and nephews that I have but I feel so lonely right now. I feel like no one understands that...
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