Blogs

  1. I guess I can try

    I've been pondering writing about my life. I guess I would start at birth. I was adopted at 2 weeks old supposedly, in Montreal. I was told that the maternity ward that birthed me burned down along with all records. The people who adopted me weren't emotionally savvy. Under their naive noses their other adoptee would attempt to kill me by a variety of means, but she was thought of by our mother as the good child. She was four years older than I. I suspect our father sensed Deb was mean, but...
  2. Bliss On A Summer’s Morn

    I lingered in bed much longer than I needed to this morning. I had originally woke up five hours before. But it was just one of those mornings too delicious not to sink back into for a while longer. It was the air. Slightly humid, just thick enough to almost make you believe you could float if you wanted to but not so heavy as to press you down. And the temperature had dropped overnight into the 50s so it was perfect for sleeping nestled under a duvet. As the sun slowly rose up, bits of...
  3. Anthony Bourdain State of Mind

    Forgive me I'm out of practice. I haven't written much here or anywhere in the last few years. I blame it on Prozac. My desire or need to express myself out loud, in words, has been stifled. I'm just not that inspired, compelled, or motivated. I think my open-ended drug prescription has been a prescription for mild numbing of my emotions and a physical laziness which makes keeping it all inside less taxing. It is the price I pay to feel safer and saner. But don't think for a second that...
  4. Picking at Scabs

    When you live long enough and have taken a few risks, you’re bound to wind up with scabs on your heart and soul. Scabs that fairly effectively hold the gashes, and the broken pieces, together. Scabs that show the efforts of the universe to heal you back into a functioning person. Scabs that camouflage the moments of solitary desperation and hopelessness, that feel as if they’ll tick on for an eternity. And when you’re brave enough you may choose to reach out, slide a nail under an edge and...
  5. On the occasion of surviving a year on Morrissey Solo

    Reflecting back to when I decided to join Solo and I’m not so sure that much thought went into it. The days leading up to it are a blur. I had just come home from the hospital after having had surgery that gave me another chance for life. Blissfully, I was on amazing drugs that not so much deadened the pain but made sure I didn’t care. I also was terribly lonely cooped up in my bed in a corner of my house surrounded by a late winter storm. The world outside continued on without skipping a...
  6. Chapter 3 the staircase

    Another time I believe Deb, my adoptive sister, tried to off me, I remember I was descending the stairs to the basement, and I saw down below, Deb's bare beautifully tanned right shoulder, and her long luscious brown hair. She had her back to me and was standing in the doorway to where dad's work table and my little play room was, so that I could only see her shoulder and half of her back. I figured she might be reading one of her Nancy Drew murder mysteries. I continue on down the stairs,...
  7. I guess that was chapter 1, so this will be chapter 2

    I spent a lot of time in the basement watching television in my first 8 years. The Brady Bunch, The Partridge Family, Tarzan, cartoons, and old fashioned wrestling were mostly what I watched. I wanted to follow my older sister Deb around, but she wasn't having it. She hated me, I now realize. The only time I remember having anyone over, Steve, I went under the basement stairs where I had a pretend house, and I noticed that the lamp was strangely unplugged. So I wrapped my little hand round...
  8. Disorder

    I 've had trouble sleeping for a long time now. I have probably written before that I can`t sleep without the help of meds. I have racing thoughts and they seem to get worse at night. During the day there are distractions. Like errands I have to run and household things that need to get done. Nights I sit in my bedroom and watch TV. Nights are the worst for me because that`s when I feel the loneliest. It`s quieter at night but my thoughts grow louder at night. They go from very unwanted ,...
  9. The Plight of the Introvert

    Introversion should not be confused with shyness. Two different concepts. One can identify as a loner yet feel quite secure interacting with others both in familiar and novel environments. Shy folks feel insecure in social settings. They feel inadequate—like they are lacking the necessary skills to navigate and converse successfully. Sadly many of them are extroverted—desiring to be a part of the group. But fear restricts their agency. Whereas introverts never want to join the group. They...
  10. When You're Older

    When you're older you are no longer a victim of your sexual hormones--a slave to your libido. When you are older you aren't expected to look sexy but rewarded highly if you do. When you are older you impress with your strength--feel no shame for being vulnerable. When you are older you have meaningful relationships that have ripened over time. When you are older you have a wealth of knowledge at your disposal--plentiful experiences and memories to comfort. When you are older you are...
  11. Yes, just me

    I fell to sleep so early. 6. I woke up at 10..I feel sad, strangely upset , bitter because of trying to understand people like Dolores O Riordan... Excetera... "Maybe it is all just heartburn!" Dead.. Yes, She is dead at 46 yrs of age!!! Crazy! how lives we set in front of our eyes ears hearts can affect us. Even from afar. "Be careful Monkey!" I have felt her grief her concerns, her pain. I guess, I know! I just see it all so, Clear. Yes, life , Eeven my life, is A God given gift....
  12. There Must Be Something.......

    What`s wrong with you ? Why don`t you smile more ? I can`t answer those questions : out loud to anyone anyway. I can admit it to myself though. What`s wrong with me ? For one thing I am terribly unhappy. For another I've been feeling horribly lonely lately. I do have my family and believe me I`m really grateful for that and I know some people have it much worse than I do. I am very aware of that. I know what makes me feel so alone. It`s what`s wrong with me and it`s what sometimes makes my...
  13. TAT and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

    The 24 hours following 5:30 pm on Thursday were unusually bad. Upon arriving home that day I had discovered that the burglars had been back and taken more treasured finds from my life. The trauma washed over me with the familiar feeling that the world was cruelly acting upon me again. I had no power to keep my home, my sanctuary, safe and protected from outside intrusion. I wrestled with options of how to respond. How to find my power in the situation I hadn’t chosen but was forced to deal...
  14. 51 years ago

    From remembered stories told to me by my father and the internet, I’ve been able to piece together that he served in the 2nd Battalion, 4th Marines or the “The Magnificent Bastards” as they’ve been called since fighting valiantly on against all odds at Corregidor in WW2 versus the Japanese. Thereby allowing MacArthur to escape on a PT boat, though he did eventually return, but I digress, my dad didn’t fight in that war, but a later one, not one we think so fondly of, there were no...
  15. I know its just a number

    but I must feel a bit like Chuck Yeager did when he broke the sound barrier :cool: been decades since I've been under 200 pounds and to do it while under the stress of interviewing and now all the shit that goes with getting a work visa to china? remarkable I'd say, what's so different from all the times before is knowing myself so well, the part of me that wants to overeat, spend money on shit I don't need, argue with my asshole relatives, drink or whatever, he's just not as smart as I...
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