Blogs

  1. opening up a 2nd front, the war on nicotine is back on!

    into day 3 now of no nicotine just went cold turkey Saturday night, this is attempt #1 of the year, these next 4 days are the worst, the desire to kill grows strong :-O
  2. Overestimator

    I am an overestimator of people. Time and time again I give them far too much credit and place way too much confidence in their integrity, honesty, intelligence and talent. I suppose because I see the glass half-full that I am susceptible to this chronic overestimation. Not only do I give people the benefit of the doubt, I actually esteem them higher than they deserve. It’s like I'm on a Kool-Aid diet when I first meet people; but then I get to know them for who they truly are and my sugary...
  3. the battle continues

    Two weeks now since the last life altering cataclysm befell me and while my rule is to only weigh myself no more than once a month or so, the scale here in the in the bathroom beckons to me every time I go in there, cuz yeah, I wanna know, I’m sure the thing I miss most about those 2 months, my daily walks along the river and fields, lacking now from my life is also putting the pounds back on, but how much? Well, here goes, the update: Weight - Date: 219 lbs - 1/17/19 2 more lbs than I...
  4. Maybe This Year

    I've been like this for years now. Ill that is. When I was first treated for mental illness I was treated for depression and anxiety. Now my diagnosis is bipolar 2 with panic disorder. I feel my depression more than hypomania. I've read a lot of people with bipolar 2 are also that way. I've also dealt with an eating disorder and self injury. For years I've been dealing with all of this. With bipolar it`s a lifelong thing. Now it`s a new year. I`m always hoping for a fresh start. I`m always...
  5. A jewel of vision...

    The sky was thick and looked like snow. Here is the weekend, rolling out like froth atop a cappuccino... Sometimes when I'm in the kitchen, I'll glance out the window and see the guy in the next building washing his dishes. Somehow it makes me feel less alone. My flat is upstairs, his is downstairs, and he's always got the blinds halfway up. Less alone, but at a distance. Once, I looked out the window as I was cleaning, just to take a break and see the trees, and I accidentally saw him...
  6. fml

    A week now since everything kicked off, lost my new job and home all in one go. Where to start? Well, I first started to suspect something was up when my mom went down to visit my brother for a few days in late November and my boss, D. came into work, not from his house which is down the hill from the office but was dropped off one time by somebody I didn’t see and another time he came in with the other guy who works in the office. Oh, important detail, my boss was my mother’s boyfriend,...
  7. Melt this snow...

    The first day of the new year existed in complete silence. Thick, rich clouds that looked like snow, mild temperatures that made it all the more surreal... I had a lot I wanted to do today, but I did nothing. Some sort of cosmic instincts were eclipsing any capacity to get up and move about. It felt like I was doing a lot of inner work that needed total stillness to complete, and I felt really alone. Even the blogs seem silent...hardly anyone posts anymore...or is this because everyone now...
  8. Apparitions...

    These musical notes are like lights in the mist, or galaxies singing to you, only you...Azam Ali's voice, specifically the self-titled Niyaz album, will see you out of the dark forest and into the shimmering one... As much of a nocturnal creature as I am, this particular daylight savings time with its 5 o'clock inky blackness is truly causing an irritating impulse to hibernate. Maybe this is because I usually work in the evenings, and I like to think that there is still some daylight left...
  9. I've been reading my old journal as redpathetic

    It seems to be an endless read, including the comments.
  10. so yeah, this is happening

    been a long time since under 220, but I know that's the easy weight to lose, its the next 17 pounds that will require more than just not eating junk, but actual effort :o
  11. this is what happens when you fall on ice and use your glasses and face to break your fall

    all stitched up now, but its so damn itchy and above is such a throbbing from a bump :squiffy: merry Christmas to me I guess :rolleyes: and yes, that's my 7 week beard usually I shave for Christmas but this year might let it slide til the New Year :o
  12. from lows to highs

    So yesterday were cleaning out this cabin and I started out my usual happy go lucky self when working and well, were not in the building a minute and I can just feel something is weird, but I just get the job done then I ask what’s the deal with the place. Every dwelling has a story, its an old picker cabin converted into a family house years ago. The last fam in it was an elderly couple and their middle aged son, the son died from pneumonia last winter, the mom died shortly after then the...
  13. what I like about my new job

    the money :cool: nah, that's not important, fact is often you do work and get nothing $ wise to show for it o_O thing is though, just this week, dealing with a bidding war, checking out an old abandoned dwelling, managing a team of people fixing a place up before winter really hits, coming up with a mass mailing list, talking on the phone with some people who are a real hoot :D handling advertising, and its all only Tuesday afternoon, the diversity, I love it :guitar:
  14. Chapter 4 More Suspicions

    Nan, I was told, had stood on a chair in the kitchen, to change a light bulb, and the chair collapsed underneath her, resulting in a broken hip, which led to her death. I wonder, if Deb set that 'accident' up. The timing of it was shortly after Nan had begun to pay me some positive attention. There's a pattern of fatalities following a positive interaction with a human or animal. A canary we had, Pete, used to sing beautifully for me, and would run after me on the floor with my socks off...
  15. Spaced...

    Maybe I feel like writing, I don't know.....peace comes in the evening, amid the glow of the lamps and a thoughtful gaze. Even if it's from miles away. There is no distance. Only love. Today we've had what feels like a tentative monsoon. Steady rain that thinks it wants to be dramatic, but only just dances on the surface. I'm ready for the deluge, it's cosy. It's the kind of atmosphere where you could just wrap yourself in velvet and listen to Sci-Fi Lullabies into the night...indeed.
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