Blogs

  1. Anthony Bourdain State of Mind

    Forgive me I'm out of practice. I haven't written much here or anywhere in the last few years. I blame it on Prozac. My desire or need to express myself out loud, in words, has been stifled. I'm just not that inspired, compelled, or motivated. I think my open-ended drug prescription has been a prescription for mild numbing of my emotions and a physical laziness which makes keeping it all inside less taxing. It is the price I pay to feel safer and saner. But don't think for a second that...
  2. Love letter

    I just composed a long love letter to my wife. In summary, I am grateful she came into my life. When thinking about my life and then documenting it, there is a tinge of sadness with the awareness that so many people can't see what to be grateful for in their lives. That they may not experience life the way I do. I will note though, I do not feel guilt for this as it has been my decisions and hard work that brought me to here. My life has included incredible suffering on many different...
  3. Especially At Night

    I think I`ve written before about my anxiety coming on when it gets dark outside. It used to be different with me. A couple of years or so I only used to sleep about every other night. I had/have really bad insomnia. Now I do sleep every night that`s if I take my meds. No meds means no sleep. Anyway I used to be a real night owl. But that changed when I had awful panic attacks hit me at night. I came to dread the night. I guess I still kind of do. I hate it when it gets dark in the evening....
  4. Rusty, leave your sister alone

    I'm a couple days away from a month off traveling with the family. I keep a map box in the attic. Pulled it out to grab some state maps we will be wandering around before we head overseas. It was a mess so I started organizing the box. I was suprprised as I had never really reflected on just how much ground we have covered since the kids were born. We have camped at or visited these national parks, national monuments and rec areas (I know I must be missing some maps of other ones we've...
  5. They will wake up yawn and kill you (not really)

    As my kids get older, I find they have their own thirst for their own hard earned wisdom. My wife and I can prevent so many failings for them if they just blindly followed ours. But is that really giving them wisdom. I truly don't think so. I understand the young adult process that you have to reject wisdom to forge your own. I am not at all offended and understand. Nothing crazy, just the weird look when you state your knowledge to them. It is always a conversation. No one has ever stormed...
  6. Little man, now

    I feel I'm getting closer and closer to my son. He is such a great teenager. We just got done with dinner at a bayside restaurant on Saturday night. We decided to go for a walk along the water to settle the food. The conversations we have are getting so deep. As his dad, I am very close to him. I consciously make sure each day we hug and check in about how our days went. He is handling growing up very well. He is caring and thoughtful. I really like him as a person a lot, not just because...
  7. Life Is Very Long When Your Lonely

    I can`t help feel that way tonight. I was just sitting here and a feeling of dread washed over me. I have my family and I love them but I can`t help feeling so lonely. When it gets dark it gets worse . I hate the night. My day went well enough but these awful feelings take over at night. I feel so unhappy. At times it feels like there isn`t any relief. I feel that I don`t serve any purpose in this life. I am nothing, no one. I sometimes wonder why I was put on this earth. I feel depressed...
  8. My Little Boo

    Meet Liam. Born 2/8/18. He is amazing. So happy to be a grandma. Liam 0n 2/24/18. Photo taken by his aunt in Phoenix.
  9. My bloody maniac whiplash

    My children are very musical. My daughter is a lyric driven listener and my son is a instrumental driven listener. I have surreal moments where I recognize through experience that I am close to my kids on a many levels. The gym has brought on some of these surreal moments. Today while I was listening to this soundtrack, I thought of some of them. Bye the way, this album is soooooooo good. I had put together a sound system for the gym. I'm not an audiophile person but just a little research...
  10. Christmas postcards

    Today we had our weekly family meeting. I brought up, when are we going to have our atrocious Christmas sweater night. We were unanimous that it should be tonight. We batted around the ideas of how we would mix it up. The funnier and more corny the better. The gym was the kids idea for the Christmas postcard. I hope everyone here has a good holiday season. We have ups and we have lows. Make the best of the time we are allowed here. Time do as I wish.
  11. Still Hanging On

    Well the holidays have past and I`m still here hanging on.I guess I`m still a bit up and down but most who know think I`m doing a little bit better.I am really trying some days are still a struggle I won`t lie I`ve been trying to keep busy.I`ve been doing a bit of organizing.Maybe it will help to organize my head.I sometimes get afraid of my different moods.The other day I was so chatty and a maybe a little bit hyper.That was strange for me because I usually don`t have much to say.I guess...
  12. I Still Do Feel So Horribly Lonely

    I still do. I feel so lonely in this illness. I celebrated a nice Thanksgiving with my family but I couldn`t help feeling lonely even surrounded by family.The thing is I felt alone because my sisters all have their spouses and kids and I don`t have any of that. I know that I don`t need anybody to feel complete but I still feel so lost and alone. Maybe I was made to be alone. They say there`s a lid for every pot but it hasn`t happened for me. Maybe I`m just destined to be alone for the rest...
  13. Now it's happening in mine

    "I've seen this happen in other people's lives and now it's happening in mine", - it can go both ways, both good and bad, I have had both. We went out to dinner last night. It was cool and crisp outside. I mentioned to my son and daughter that I had a wonderful time with them. That I valued it because we never know what will happen (they got my inference that I'm older and time is different for us). I was extremely grateful. It was an amazing day with the family. Earlier in the afternoon my...
  14. Call it the Grooviest Movie of 2017

    ‘Lady Bird,’ ‘Call Me by Your Name,’ ‘I, Tonya’ Screener Copies Leaked to Piracy Networks. [URL]https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/lady-bird-call-name-tonya-173210732.html[/URL] Three of my top fave movies of the year out of 9. That is one-third. Happy New Year! Call Me by Your Name is a must see. My fave movie of 2017--by a landslide. First movie that's transported me and made me feel something, anything, in a long time. Will rearrange you and change you. Your dreams will shift. You may just want...
  15. Best Birthday Ever!

    Touchdown! Airport in Honolulu. Holy Waikiki that's cold! Ok, I'm good now. Windy! Diamond Head in background. Rented a car and drove up the coast to North Shore. One of the stops along the way. Best son ever!
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