I`m still having stomach pains sometimes but I don`t think it`s the meds.I can only eat a little at a time then I start to feel sick.I have lost some weight.My sister asked me if I was still making myself sick.I said no of course not.I said I don`t do that anymore.My mom said maybe I have stomach trouble because maybe I somehow damaged myself when I used to do that.I `m so tired of feeling ill all the time.I still don`t know if the prozac is working because my psych said it will take 4 to 6 weeks to see if it does.

I had a nice thanksgiving but I couldn`t help feeling unhappy.I usually look foward to Christmas usually it is my favorite time of year but I just can`t help feeling blue.I really am trying to keep myself busy but nothing seems to work.

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  Is life sick and cruel
        ~ The Smiths~
    Life Is Never Kind
          ~The Smiths~

I went to see my psych on tuesday.I told him I had to stop taking the cymbalta because it hurt my stomach.He said that was too bad because it seems I`ve been on everything.This time he put me on prozac.He said if it works it would take 4 to 6 weeks to work.Day two on prozac and no stomach aches so that`s good.We shall see if it works.I finally told him about my ocd and he said the prozac might also help that.It felt like a huge weight off my shoulders to finally tell him.

I have been wearing long sleeves lately because I burned myself on the arm with the iron and I also put out matches on my wrist.I have also been cutting myself and the arm and wrists.I `ve really done it this time.

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  I Just Can`t Find My Place In This World
                        ~Morrissey~

Me and my Mom went to the hairdresser`s on tuesday.When we were about to leave she said "What`s on your arm?"I said oh nothing and my Mom goes don`t lie about it.Later when we were in a store she saw the burn on my arm and she says did you cut yourself.I said no and changed the subject.When we were in the car she said you better stop doing that or your going to end up killing yourself.I told her it`s not about that.She wouldn`t listen.I only do it to get by in life.She then says if you don`t stop doing it I`m going to get a court order and put you in a hospital.All I know is that I`m just going to be better about hiding it.Lately I just can`t stop crying.Maybe it`s because I stopped taking my antidepressant.I guess when I see my pysch I will have to start on a new one.I see him again in November.

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I`m so tired I can`t sleep
              ~Nirvana~

I saw my psych.Nothing much has changed.I kinda stopped taking my antidepressant because it makes my stomach feel weird.I really know I should stay on it.But so far it hasn`t helped.I asked my psych how the other meds are supposed to helping me the Geodon and Seroquel he told me I`d be in real trouble without them.I`m really tired of all this nothing seems to helping.I have terrible insomnia and I feel like I`m falling apart.I thought I kept it all to myself.I don`t talk to anyone about it but I guess it`s written all over my face.But I guess people do notice because my niece had her little church group pray for me.Afterward she told my Mom about it and she was crying.When my Mom told me about it it just broke my heart.I thought I just kept it all to myself.I never talk to anybody about how I am feeling.If I feel bad I just take it out on myself.I just hurt myself.

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I`m Just Lost
~Morrissey~

Your A Lost Little Girl
  ~The Doors~

Well I did it again.This morning when I was cooking breakfast for my folks I burned my arm with the side of the frying pan.Then when everyone had left for work I plugged in the iron and burned my arm with it.It didn`t look that bad at first but now you can really see it.I don`t know how I`m going to hide this one.I can`t wear long sleeves because it`s just too hot here.What the hell am I going to do now.I also see my psych later today.
I know I`ve Used This Song Before But It Really Fits Today

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I Hurt Myself Today To See If I Still Feel I Focus On The Pain The Only Thing That`s Real
            ~Johnnny Cash Version~

That`s exactly what I`ve been doing.I gave in to cutting and burning myself.I cut myself four times on my leg and I cut myself eight times on the wrist and put out four matches on wrist.I also cut myself eight times on my arm.I`ve been doing everything my psych has told me to do but it seems nothing gets better.I see him tomorrow.Lets see how it goes.I really am trying.

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Razors Pain You
Rivers Are Damp
Acid Stains You
Drugs Cause Cramp
Guns Aren`t Lawful
Nooses Give
Gas Smells Awful
You Might As Well Live
~I forget who it`s by~

It seems like this medicine is not helping me any.I had some hope it would work.My psych said we could increase the dose if this one would not work.I`ve really been trying.I`ve been doing my yoga and have been trying to keep myself busy.But this depression will just not lift.We did a bit of shopping on saturday.I was tired so I went to wait for my mom and niece in front of the store where they have chairs.I just felt this overwheming sense of sadness.I almost started crying right there.I managed to stop myself and just sat there.Then this lady sat next to my she asked to see my purse it was this purse that I made that I decorated with pics of Morrissey ,Oscar Wilde and the NY Dolls.Well she said she loved it and told me she had seen The New York Dolls in the seventies.I told here I thought that was so cool.Anyway that made my day and I felt a bit better.At Barnes and Noble I love it there I bought some books on self injury and ocd.Hopefully they will help.

Some Hope And Some Despair
          ~Morrissey~

Well I gave into it again I cut myself four times across the wrist and four times on my leg.The ones on my wrist bled alot.I cut myself a bit deeper.My Mom was talking to me about she said one day no ones going to be here and your going to cut yourself so deep you could die.She told me I need to repent for doing it because the body is your temple ect ect ect...I `m supposed to be keeping a journal for my pysch.I supposed to write one thing that makes me happy or gives me pleasure a day.I haven`t written anything in it yet.The only thing that gives me some pleasure right now is when I listen to Morrissey.I have no energy for anything.I just don`t want to get out of bed.

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I still do feel so horribly lonely
            ~Morrissey~

Did not feel well at all today.I was restless and felt like I was going to jump out of my skin.I just felt like cutting all day.Just to make that awful feeling go away.The thing was I couldn`t cut because my Mom was at home.I usually cut myself at night.Now I just feel so tired.Did not sleep last night

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Now I`ve Had Enough I`ve had more than could be My rightful share Of nights I can`t bear How can it be fair?
                        ~Morrissey~

I cut myself eight times across the wrist.When I cut myself I have to do it in fours.This new medicine makes me really tired.Also my insomnia is really getting to me.I always feel so tired.I have no energy.Me and my sister were talking the other day and she asked me if I told my psych about my ocd.I told her no I didn`t because I`m very embarrassed by it.She told me that I should tell him about it.Maybe I will the next time I see him.I`m so tired of being like this.

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my body turns and yearns for a sleep that won`t ever come
                            ~Jeff Buckley~