Well I went to see my psych on wednesday.I told him I have been exercising and trying to keep busy.I told himI still can`t sleep.I can go up to two days without sleeping.He bumped up my seroquel to 900.He says he bumped it up to see if that helps.I sure hope it does.I`m tired of living this way.He asked me if I was still cutting myself.And I said yes.It`s hard to keep going on like this.
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  I`m So Tired I Can`t Sleep
                ~Nirvana~

Worried about Morrissey.Hope he`s okay.Morrissey your in my thoughts and prayers.Hope you get well soon.

My family says I`m being very moody.And I guess being unpleasant to be around.I don`t know if it`s the increase in the meds or just me.I`ll just sit there and not talk.I`m not a very talkative person anyway but I`ll just sit there and not say a thing.I just don`t want to talk or anyone to talk to me.Yesterday I just felt so bad.All I want to do is sleep but can only do that every other day I am so tired of this.

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  I change by not changing at all small town predicts my fate
                        ~Pearl Jam~

H.I hope all is well with you I am having trouble with my email.R.

Went to see my psych last week.It went well he is very supportive.We even talked about Morrissey(he asked about my Moz t shirt).I told him I don`t think the remeron is working so he upped my meds.I am still cutting myself.I just read a book about it that said it should be treated like an addiction.Some people have also told me that but I never really thought about it that way.I am really trying to get through this.But I just feel nothing works and am losing hope.Nothing makes me feel better I just feel like crying all the time.
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  Tell The Sky Don`t Fall On Me
            ~REM~

Things are getting pretty bad.All I want to do is cut myself.I am trying so hard not to.It`s so hard so hard because all I want is a bit relief.It`s so sick to say that hurting myself gives me relief but it does.I am trying so hard not to give in.Everything hurts so bad.I haven`t slept in two days.I`m afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares.I am so tired of this.I am sitting here writing this instead of cutting or burning or hitting myself.I feel like I don`t belong here or anywhere.

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  I don`t belong here
      ~Radiohead~

Well things aren`t going so much better.I`m still cutting myselfI also found out that if they wanted to my parents could have me committed due to the self harm.And if that has not helped me stop I don`t know what will.Then me and my mom were talking about weight and stuff and she`s says "your not still throwing up are you"?And I said no of course not.And she says well you do things normal people don`t do.I thought that was kind of funny.I`m so tired the remeron hasn`t been helping my depression.The seroquel and geodon and ativan just keep me calm like my psych said they would.I don`t see getting out of this depression though.My mom says maybe your bipolar because of your moods.Maybe she`s right.I`ve read that it can take years to be properly diagnosed.I just don`t know.

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I`m Lost And I Need To Be Found
              ~Smoking Popes~

I cut myself worse than usual.My mom saw the bandages on my arm.She says 'What the hell`s wrong witn you?".Then she says your going to end up in a mental hospital is that what you want?The later that day I saw my psych.We talked about the same things.I told him I would try some of his suggestions.He asked me about my sleeping.I told him it was still every other day.He asked me you still can`t get to sleep with all that medication you take.I said no.The truth is I onlytake the meds every other day.It`s weird I wish I could sleep like a normal person but then I miss the days when I am up all night.The other night though I scared myself cause I cut myslef deeper than usual.I got some blood on myself I even had to change my pajamas.The new razor blades I bought worked very well.When my mom saw the bandages she got very angry.She says one day you`ll go to far and you know where you`ll end up.I don`t know how to stop it sometimes is the only thing that makes me feel better.

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        How will you know I`m hurting
        If you cannot see my pain?
        To wear it on my body
        Tells what words cannot explain.
                ~ C. Blount~

Not much going on these days.Still been cutting myself.I`ve been pretty moody and don`t want to talk to anyone.My mom says maybe your bipolar because one minute your okay and the next your not.Maybe that`s it because it seems like I`ve been on every anti deprresant with no luck.Sometimes I get so tired of living this life.Nothing seems to give me pleasure anymore.Life doesn`t seem worth living.I sometimes wonder if it`s worth it to go on.I am still cutting and hurting myself.I even burned myself with a candle lighter all around the entire length of my wrist so the scars sort of form a bracelet.While I was gone my mom took the lighter out of my room.That totally made me feel lke shit.I didn`t say anything about it though because I know she is only trying to help me.She even wanted me to go some place during the day for people who have problems ( I guess) and people don`t want to leave them alone.I refused of course.She even told me you can paint there.I said no anyway.I know she`s just trying to help me but I don`t need a babysitter.I just don`t know what else to do.

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  Watch Me Bleed Bleed Forever
              ~Tears For Fears~

Last week we found out that my cousin died.It was very sudden and we were all shocked by it.He had a hard life and was trying to straighten it out.

On tuesday I saw my psych.Nothing much different.I am losing hope.

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    Life Is Never Kind
          ~Morrissey~

I am very sad about my dog.So I hurt myself pretty bad.I burned my wrist with a lighter.I burned myself so bad blisters formed.I also cut myself.When my mom saw them she say`s I`m going to put you in a mental hospital.When I told her she could not do that.She daid I`l get a lawyer and do that.I see my psych later this month.I have to tell him the medication is not working.I think it`s making me very irritable and unpleasant to be around.I can`t stand it when people talk to me.I don`t want to go out.And i just want to be alone.
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  I`m Just Lost
        ~Morrissey~