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Monday September 30, 02
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01:06 AM - waking up at 12 in my clothes again
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oh god, i drank too much, went out and cannae remember very much. actually everyone was fucking pissed, but i think i was worst. please dont let me have flirted with anyone too much, i love my boyf. i hugged him for ages last night so that he wouldnt fall off the windowledge drunk and die, he lives on the top floor.
i saw the one person i know here who loves the smiths and he was such a miserable sod last night, jesus, what is his problem? my life is too short for bothering with dickheads. absolutely no more drinking cos im not as young as i used to be. i remember that i fell on my ass and ouch it hurt. i had aftershock too! that stuff is evil! oh please dont let me be an alcoholic, although i think i already am. also i have a plan for spending most of my student loan on going to see morrissey in paris although its gonna be 90 quid for the airfare each. we'll see
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Sunday September 29, 02
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02:21 PM - in my own sick way...
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ooohh, I just saw the trailer for prozac nation on rollingstone.com andd it looks fabulous. The scenes of partying and drugs kinda sadly reminded me of last year at uni which the book never did, just all the parties and everybody totally fucked up. I think all my friends took drugs because they werent in a great state emotionally anyway and then, fuck it this was the last year before the real knuckling down for finals and then getting really crappy jobs, so what the hell.
It occurred to me recently that I dont really know anyone who isnt messed up in some way, they verge from the acceptable (neurotic about food , weight and studying) to suicidal feelings and too many drugs. Inbetween is no sleep, ketamine, unsuitable men, unsuitable women, dropping out of uni, hurting yourself, trichotillomania, debt, rubbish parents, getting arrested and i dont even know too many people! And my friends from school havent been too happy either! crap boyfriends then getting engaged too early and living on th south coast, it sounds like hell.
It wasnt like this when I was ten! I think its true you tend to attract people who are like you and since I'm kinda depressed and a state, maybe this is why all my (very few) boyfrinds were this way and why all my mates are, we just attract each other like screwed up magnets. well maybe theres safety in numbers
I saw a photo of my boyfriend and I from about two and a half years ago (so long)today, and i thought i looked really wholesome, almost baby faced which wasnt the look i was going for at the time. Also we look alike which is a bit weird, all bee stung lips and high cheekbones and hairdye and violet eyes, practically related! I'm trying to work out if i look older, really older, but ithink its just cos ive got my hair cut short now, like a charaacter in the great gatsby i hope.
A book im going to study this year! although i did it for a-level a few years ago. This year acadmically HAS to be better, but at least i get to study stuff i like (although i did love shakespeare last term) like fitzgerald and anne sexton and sylvia plath and probably lecture my class with 101 reasons why i hate robert lowell. I think i must have some new young tutor cos i dont recognise her name and the reading list has quite a lot of non traditional stuff like native american lit and things that arent written by old white men, and if i had one of the old geezers that have been there forever they wouldnt put things like this on their seminar timetable.
Last term there was this one lecture on the shakespeare course and apparently the old boy who gave it has been giving the exact same lecture for 30 years! He must have been there when my boyfriends mother was there! And his lectures are always a nightmare cos i cant work out his accent cos hes from the outer hebrides or something and is mad. oh well. PLease dont let in rain tomorrow cos ive gotta walk across the west end and ive no umbrella. and take my library books back cos they keep sending me threatening letters. havent the university got anything better to do? like teaching and funding and not making my debt worse?
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09:31 AM - Glasgow is like england but cold
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It is sooo cold here. I always have the heating on full even during the summer but its never warm enough. I've bought a whole load of fuzzy jumpers for walking to uni in becasue Glasgow is much colder than I remember from this time last year. I cannot belive i havent been out on the drink yet since I ve been back, mind you, maybe thats a good thing. We were watching some anime series last night on the dvd thing and the finale was terrible! I was in tears! Thevre not even real people! I wore my morrissey t shirt last night and got strange looks in safeway and laughter from my boyfriend...god its sooo cold!
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09:23 AM - Morrissey at last
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the concert at the royal albert hall was a mazing
Morrissey was jsut so fantastic and i couldnt believe i was seeing the man in the flesh. i still cannot believe it over a week later. I am listening to Moz constantly now im back at uni, nothing else will make sense in my head
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Tuesday September 17, 02
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12:39 AM - about thirty hours to go
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I went to Cambridge yesterday to get some books for my final year and for my sisters first year, she was too busy to go and get them herself, the lazy child. I wore my new black hat that looked so cute and my new boots which make me tall cos I hate being so short. Then I got chatting to the boy in Borders about Morrissey and the interview in the Observer, I am always suprised when I meet someone here who likes Morrissey but it seems there are more than youd think.
Then mum and I stopped at this fish and chip shop on the way home and ate chips in the car, like we were on the run from a slimming club or something. (we're not)
Only a day to go befre I see Morrisey! I dont think it has sunk in properly because I am excited but nowhere near the state I will be in tomorrow. My dear boyfriend is flying down from sunny scotland to go and see Morrissey with me. I dont think he realises what hes let himself in for! He's never been to London before, let alone a Morrissey concert.
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Sunday September 15, 02
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01:19 PM - really crap seats
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I think I must be terribly stupid because my crap seats up at the top are miles away from the stage. the royal albert hall is like a fucking great huge mausoleum. it was all they had, but, I asked for the middle, forgetting this will be the furthest from the stage. I only did this cos i didnt want a pillar in front of me but it doesnt tmatter cos the pillars arent in the way anyway! Im such a dumb ass. but on the other hand, ill be there! so why am i moaning, i dont know!
just saw an advert on th tv with the manics advertising bloody lager, soooo depressing...
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12:52 PM - last night of the proms
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Well, Saturday night I found I was watching last night of the proms on the bbc because my mum always watches it. I tried to work out where my seats on wednesday are gonna be, up in the gods somewhere. The place is much bigger than I remembered it being from the tv, thes tage had like a thousand people in the orchestre and choir so I guess moz and the band are going to look tiny from my seat on a massive stage. But it was pretty cool, imagining the place full of Morrissey fans going mad and all instead of bloody pomp and circumstance.
Jesus, I hate last night of the proms, im ashamed to be english with those fools and their union jack waistcoats and elgar and blake and singin the national fuckin anthem, its so depressing. I just cant imagine being there in a few days time in the same seats all these dinner jacketed rich bastards were in seeing morrissey.
today I got the Observer, my step dad rang up the paper shop that delivers our normal paper and had it delivered! the morrissey interview was okay, I thought the writer could have researched it a bit better. My sister thought morrissey looked really old, but I thought he looked great in a blue shirt and grey trousers and a belt and a nice half grin. My mum thought he looked "quite respectable", whatever that means.....if my boyfriend cancels(he better not!) my mum's coming with me.
Also at Bluewater today, this boy I was talking to in hmv said he was going to see Morrissey on tuesday and he and some mates were planning to dress up as moz and invade the stage but he seemed a bit of a weirdo to me. Dont know what that was all about
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Friday September 13, 02
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02:56 PM - five days and counting
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oh my god, five days to go! I am sooo excited and even more moz-obsessed than normal, if thats possible. I havent been to London in ages, and I have my morrissey tickets! I cant sleep at all, I'd better get some sleep soon cos five nights like this and I will collapse on the train from exhaustion and miss the concert!
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Thursday September 12, 02
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02:29 PM - grrr!
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my computer is fucking up and not playing my mp3s. grrrr! fuckin hell!!! this is sooo crap
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02:19 PM - you lost your sense of humour but you kept the queen is dead
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I know I am a lucky girl, nice home, good brains, lovely boyfriend, good record collection, fab cheekbones. So sometimes I dont know why I'm such a miserable cow. But I know all too well that whatever youve got if youre depressed youll feel depressed whatever and theres no getting out of it. Goddammit! This trickery!
Oh well, its a few creme de menthes and this weeks nme in front of the fire for me tonite.... I'm not Satre, I'm not even Camus, what do I know, and why should I bother trying to work it out, the world, my world as it is. Fuck it and leave the dead french guys to it
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