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Saturday May 09, 09
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12:31 AM - Graduation fail
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There is a girl who is about 10 years younger than I am. We'll refer to her as J. She is one of my classmates and is a second year law student.
She has a crush on a 40 year old 2nd year law student. His name is M. He was in the air force and comes off as this quiet, dorky type. He doesn't look like he's 40. he looks like maybe he's about 30. The bags under his eyes tend to give away his true age, but he otherwise is in really good shape and appears not to have a single gray hair on his head.
So far, I've seen him split his time between J, me, and this other girl as far as hanging out and talking. I don't know who this third girl is, but J's and my personalities differ completely in that she is completely ADHD and her mouth runs constantly while I'm definitely the most reserved person in the school.
I felt that he had a big old crush on J. However, I seriously doubt my abilities in telling these sorts of things these days. I thought that pupek had something for me, but I was WRONG WRONG WRONG....that, or he has that ambiguous "I think you're cute!" crush that doesn't lead anywhere because it's nothing more than a man enjoying talking to an attractive lady.
AHEM
Anyway, back to my tale.
So, I didn't know that J had a big old crush on M until she spilled it all a few weeks ago. I counted M as a potential front-runner in being a guy that could be boyfriend material...for me. After dealing with the drama of he who shall not be named, I thought that this guy with his shyness and churchiness was a great antidote...and frankly, that type of guy was always what I had in mind for husband material.
However, J admitted her feelings about her "man crush." But that she was too shy to actually do anything about it!
My reaction, upon my thoughts on his interest and knowing HER interest, I blurted out, "yes! yes! ask him to lunch. something small so you can test the waters!"
yes, I was that generous.
Based upon what a lot of people I know have said in the past, they seem to believe the opposite sex as somebody to club over the head and steal from other people. Yet, I've personally not known of any relationship that has had genesis or has survived for any length of time based upon that means of acquisition. Generally, you see the after-math of that on Maury Povich. To me, if a person needs to be "won" over like that, then they are going to quickly get bored the second people quit fighting over them.
Anyhow...
I thought, "she REALLY likes this dude, and I THINK he likes her like that....so I'll encourage it!"
so, that's what I did.
She asked and they've apparently gone out for lunch/dinner a few times, although no action has happened.
In the meantime, during one of his visits with me, the conversation somehow drifts towards his personal feelings of guys with much younger women.
"I always thought that was kind of gross! Although it no longer plays as much in my favor anymore."
So, I can't get a read based upon his statements about whether he thinks she's way too young, OR, if he's trying to resolve his guilt for now liking somebody about 15 years younger than he is.
I gave my own personal thoughts on the matter and how I personally feel weird dating somebody about 10 years younger than I am, but things are much different for men. ...yes, that's a double-standard, but it's true. Society does not frown upon much older men/younger women like they do the vice-versa. The reason, obviously, is that society can't imagine any sane man wanting a woman over the age of 25.
Then again, you think of the kinds of people that write THOSE sorts of articles for Cosmo or the nightly news and you know what kind of guys we're dealing with. From what I've seen, most guys drawn to working in the media aren't exactly the nesting type.
Back to my story...
So, what exactly IS the problem?
On my last day after finals, he invited me to go have lunch with him at the cafeteria. After talking some more, we walked back to the library and he seemed to hang around and not know how to wrap it up. I told him he could find me on facebook if he wanted to do anything, and I left it at that.
That sounds like enough in itself that it would raise doubt. However, i decided to call J tonight to see if she wanted to go out and drink. I left a message around 7:30 this evening. I later commented on a photo on M's page. He replied sometime around 9:30pm.
She then sent me a facebook message tonight around 1:30am saying, "I was out with him all day. We didn't do anything, but I didn't get your message because my phone was on 'silent.' nothing happened physically, so i don't know"
I thought, "hmm. he replied to my post around 9:30pm....."
ok, so we've all told lies to explain why we haven't called people back. However, here is the most INTERESTING wrinkle of this entire story:
A few months ago, I was at LG's house and talking to his girlfriend about J.
"Oh my god! That girl is crazy! She claims to have multiple personalities and imagines friendships with people..."
"What about that guy AA that she was running around and telling everyone that they were such great friends that they were like brother and sister?"
"He doesn't think of her like that! And she didn't think of him as her 'brother.' She had this big old crush on that guy and he started dating somebody else and she would sit there at class and STARE at them....also, there was somebody else that she was running around and telling everyone that she was best friends with. We asked that girl and she said that she didn't even know who J was!"
Hmm. So, basically, I'm trying to judge where this thing is going based upon the thoughts of someone who MAY mentally invent friendships with people.
i haven't personally seen this, although I find it interesting that even though she and AA are "so close" that I never hear of her talking about hanging out with him.
At the same time, I actually did run into J and M when they went out for dinner on monday night.
You can't invent that.
What's bothering me, obviously, i:
1. if he has any real interest in her.
2. if he has any real interest in me.
3. how to resolve it if #2 is what is the real issue.
Of course, it doesn't mean that he's not interested in her. What it probably means (more likely) is that he doesn't want to do anything because of the age difference. That doesn't exactly warm my heart.
anyway, what am I doing home tonight?
There was an end of semester party hosted by the Student Bar Association. I was afraid to go.
Robo may/may not be dating the Russian chick. I was afraid to go because I was worried that seeing them together might bother me. I have also deduced that he likes playing that sort of game, so that if I slip in the slightest way and show any hint of jealousy and embarrassment that it might feed him.
OR, even worse, is that he had been nursing a big old crush on her for a long time and she finally said, "yes" to him after all this time, and that I was pretty much nothing more than a gap filler until she awoke to him.
I feel like I'm more of the second category in most cases. I wish I could find a relationship where I was more than just second place. It may simply be that he would diddle anything that moves and it doesn't matter if it's a Russian chick with long legs and can speak 5 languages and who wears $15,000 outfits that her rich dad buys her vs. a person such as myself who considers $50 shoes to be very expensive, but at the same time...
I can't help but feel like it's an ego thing. If it is the case where I was just secondary to his crush on her, it feels like the story of my life. There was an OK guy that I dated briefly when I was in my mid-twenties, but you know what? I couldn't help but feel like I was second banana behind this one chick who liked to engage in wind surfing. She was dating some other guy at the time, and, based upon his reactions, I always felt that he would have taken her any old day of the week...which made me less inclined to do anything about it.
i was already feeling very shy about the situation to begin with because of many reasons, but I think it definitely helped seal the deal in that I felt like I was somebody that he was settling for. It's bad enough not being popular, but I always envisioned that I would be somebody that truly caught the guy's attention. Maybe I could be somebody that he nursed a crush for.
i don't know.
Either way, I guess if his aim was to make me jealous (even as a side-project) it worked. However, I pretty much want nothing to do with that.
Anyhow, the only reason why this continues to matter is that, for the next 6-8 weeks, I will have Bar review with those people.
That's right. All of that drama will be packed like sardines in one little room as we all prepare for the bar. it's already bad enough that I will be taking the bar, but it's almost cruel that it has to be under those conditions.
Of course, my other option is to go back home to A-town and live with my parents and take the Bar review course at the UT campus. However, I could see my mom interrupting that little love fest with "I have laundry! what did you want for supper?" and so forth.
Speaking of mommy...
Not even my graduation will be my OWN graduation.
Every graduation I've ever had has sucked as far as celebratory activities afterwards. I thought that MAYBE this time around will be different. However, it is telling by my level of popularity that I've been invited no place.
Still, mom had her own plans.
After graduation, we would all head back to the car and drive back to Austin where we would all eat at their world favorite Mexican food place.
We've been going there for over 10 years now. I celebrated my 24th birthday there.
I asked mom why we coudln't just hang out in SA and go to a place here. She said, 'well, your sister's friend will be there..."
My sister's friend is also somebody that I know fairly well. She has two toddlers.
My sister was going to be in town for about a week, and I thought, "surely my sister could go and hang out with this chick any time during the week...hey! wait a minute! What this means is that there might be a little surprise gathering for me! I mean, why else would we plan MY graduation festivities around this one girl?"
It didn't seem beyond the realm of possibility because they did it for my sister's husband when he got his masters in the fall. Also, I recalled my sister asking if there were people that I wouldn't mind inviting if there was a party.
I decided to play dumb and run it by my sister.
"Mom wants us all to pack up in the car and drive back to Austin to eat at Camino Real."
*Groan*
"She said something about C being there..."
"that is IF she shows up! I wouldn't plan anything around here! You should tell mom that we could go somewhere in San Antonio."
Feeling a bit let down by this, I ran it by A this evening as I figured she would be a top invite.
It was the same reaction:
*Groan*
In other words, mom was INDEED planning a party for her own amusement where the center attraction is little toddlers running about. nevermind that I just graduated from law school after getting gang probed by the faculty for 3 years, let's run back to Austin and make it easy for one of MY SISTER'S friends to come out and bring her little kids to run around with my niece.
Damn.
or, as the kids say today:
FML
or
Graduation fail.
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