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Sunday March 08, 09
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10:55 PM - family tradition
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Since I'm getting OLDER, I thought about my grandparent's and great-grandparents and all that.
I realized yesterday that my great-grandma was 82 years old when she passed away.
My mother (her granddaughter) was all of 6 years old when the 82 year old grandma passed away.
My grandma was the youngest child out of 7.
What did it mean?
Great-grandma was roughly 40 years old when she had my grandma.
My grandma was roughly 36 when she had my mother.
My mom was not the youngest child. Grandma had my uncle when she was 38 years old.
Of course, mom had me when she was 20, but it seems to me that there is a long-tradition of having kids right up until the "oooh, you're WAY too old" mark.
hopefully, that means i'm not too over the hill.
speaking of that....
My attempts at getting something going with pupek are being slightly hindered by Robo.
you'd THINK that getting the "you've been completely neglectful for the past few months plus I want a serious relationship that results in babies, plus you're moving away in a few months anyway so why should we bother with this at this point" would make him think "she's right. I'll do what I said that I would do and lay off." No. It seems like it has made him determined.
Yes. You have to love it. "I can only be your friend. Please feel free to pursue other men and I'll be happy for you as I can't promise you anything as I have to take care of my son and we're all going to move away after graduation...no WAIT! I'm going to completely cock-block that guy you're talking to."
The thing about the wednesday night jam sessions (which now take place at a 1950's soda fountain/pharmacy converted into a soda foundain/bar in the form of a gig which anyone who wants can attend) is that it happens roughly 2 blocks away from where Robo lives.
Robo shows up and performs his little dance where he ingratiates himself upon everyone. Pupek showed up a couple of weeks ago, although I don't think it was for my benefit other than there was something going on. Still, I went to go talk to him because I was happy to see him....and that's when Robo definitely made himself my shadow.
I don't understand it. Is it true feeling? Is it simple possessiveness? Is it simply being a jerk and wanting to ruin it for me out of spite?
The thing is, with Robo, I feel weighed down by the past and all of the sadness. With Pupek, I'm greeted with the future. What kind of guy is he? does he even have problems committing to what pair of jeans he'll wear? I don't know. All I do know is that it makes me feel optimistic while my run-ins with Robo make me feel pessimistic.
I think the moment when I realized that I can't even hope for him to call me and express concern over my well-being that it began to come to an end. I couldn't even hope for it because he demonstrated fully that he wouldn't do it. I mean, why should I feel excited about letting that back into my life? It's ok as a person I talk to at school, but given what I went through last year, would any person be excited about letting him in further?
The weird thing is that it appears to led to a similar reaction in him where he was avoiding me (because of how I ripped him a new one)...but instead of putting a lily on it when he saw me talking to Pupek that day, it spurred him into doing something instead of putting a lily on it.
The problem with not talking to him for months is that it led to hope that maybe it wasn't all like that. The other problem WITH talking to him again is that now, I have this to contend with. I'm caught between trying to move on and having my past haunt me. To me, it makes me look cheap to any spectator watching.
Yes, I have all of these dudes and I must be playing them off of each other. No. I think my wants are fairly simple in concept. I just want to be loved by a dependable guy. I wouldn't be pursuing Pupek if I was wrangling with deep issues like I was last year. I guess in some ways, I'm still wrangling with them regardless of how I feel about that.
And even worse, I sort of feel like "ok, i can hide from him by not showing up to the gigs and playing, but I miss out on playing with the band....and I almost feel like this is being taken advantage of for those purposes. I'm almost like a captive audience as opposed to someone that can just disappear off into the Journal office and work on things.
In some ways, I almost feel like giving up on everything and scrapping it all just to make my life easier. no Robo. no Pupek. no band. nothing law school related. I'll dig up some non-law student on match.com and he'll be my secret, and buy a canister of "Drama-B-Gone" and spray it all over the place as the band has its own drama.
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