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Thursday February 12, 09
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06:54 PM - the saga continues
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I should back up before I even get started about why I broke it off with my shrink.
I set up my first appointment when I felt REALLY bad. I was tired, nervous, and so forth. This problem runs in spades in my family and my mom takes medication for it. I felt like it was hindering my social advancement. Never having tried therapy before and knowing that it is free on campus, I decided to sign up and partake.
I'd sort of prefer the pill route, but I wanted to actually learn how to cope. I assumed that I would be referred to a psychiatrist, but apparently, you have to go through one of the counselors first.
I get this nicely dressed attractive younger woman who is married. Based upon my interaction with her, it seemed to me like my problems were not exactly within her realm of personal experience. However, people are supposed to go to school to learn how to deal with people such as myself. After all, anxiety issues are a legitimate diagnosis, and I laid it straight out for her that they were interfering with my social life.
Anyway....
After having at least one worthwhile session regarding home life, the last two just seemed more like "tell me about Robo" and her yawning because I wasn't that entertaining. For one thing, I really didn't want to talk about him because I don't see that as the point of my being there. About the only thing she knew how to do with my anxiety problems is recommend that I go to Target and buy a CD with Mozart and nature sounds on it! It seemed like from her attitude that since I APPEARED to be a laid back person that I was wasting her time on that issue.
Yes, so this morning I came in with new Robo drama.
These past couple of weeks sucked. I felt like I was crawling back into my bubble. However, I had successfully avoided talking to him.... ...until last night.
The guys I rawk out with on Wednesdays have managed to land an acoustic gig at some bar that should actually be a coffee house. However, I'm not invited to partake in the festivities of being on stage presumably because I'm not part of the original group and that I'm female and should actually be a groupie.
Yes, so guess who decides to show up and watch the gig?
I was unnerved by this. At one point, I tried to escape, but my escape was hindered and I ended up talking to him...which I found was embarrassing and upsetting, but which I ultimately decided was necessary.
If you need to know what the conversation basically entailed, it was him saying that yes, he still wanted me, and no, he wasn't going to do anything about it. however, I was free to come back to his place for a friendly no-strings-attached glass of bourbon.
Yep.
But I at least hammered him with what he felt was the point of saying anything if he wasn't going to do anything about it.
What I particularly enjoyed most is that, although nobody could hear or see what was going on, some of the people there knew enough about what was going on that they KNEW something was up....and some of these people are the biggest gossips in the entire school. I'm sure half of the 3rd year class knows what went down at this point.
So, after a night of this, I go to my thursday morning counseling session not feeling very great. I brought up the incident when I walked through the door, but I only really wanted to touch upon it before I thought we should move on and do what I came to do. After all, the counselor suggested that at this session, we would be doing relaxation exercises and possibly hypnosis. I was flustered by the night before and was still feeling exposed and embarrassed....and I just didn't feel like talking about it.
Instead, she wanted to go through that, rehash why I haven't engaged in internet dating, asked about those other two dudes I go to school with, and then asked, "have you thought about what you want your goals to be in coming to these sessions?"
I was cheesed! Oh my god! I had an emotionally draining night the night before....and now that I think about it, it seems to me like she can't figure out why I haven't made an interested man appear from the ceiling within the past month!
Yes, ok. So I thought I had a chance with this one guy because he seemed like he might be legitimately interested, but it seems to have dried up within the past week or two...and I'm guessing it probably has something to do with the tale of Robo. I've had law journal issues and so forth that have eaten up some of my time. I'd particularly don't want to jump to internet dating unless I can determine if the prospects of either of those guys is moot.
So, at that point, I said, "you know what? I don't really know why I'm coming here" after which I called off the rest of our sessions, but left with the promise that I would reconsider it.
I mean....sheesh! Has she not figured out from what I said and my history that I have issues that have stunted my social growth which is why I came in the first place?
I mean, it seems like she wants to be paid to gossip. Listening to Enya and going for a nice jog is not going to take care of my problems. I do that sort of shit and I'm still not right. Just because I was already doing it and that she didn't have to tell me to go do it doesn't mean that I'm cured and that my expedition to her office was a waste.
At any rate, I now completely disagree with Tom Cruise and can see why people go straight for the meds. Maybe she just sucked because she's either a student or is a professional paid in Necco wafers by the school and they can't find anybody else. I shouldn't be surprised because medical services on campuses usually suck.
Granted, I might be a bit defensive and just did it because of the general situation....but still, I just didn't appreciate that inference at that point. Hey, I was out that night trying to make friends and be supportive, and this is what karma brings me instead.
Yes, maybe I was embarrassed in front of that whole group, I think only one person in that actually cared enough personally (that being the main dude who recruited me). I haven't really befriended the rest of them...and you know what? maybe it's difference of personality, or maybe its from my own social phobias. I don't know. All I know is that I'm always the odd person out. It's me. Always.
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