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Wednesday January 14, 09
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10:04 PM - today, i feel bitter
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someone on facebook had a status that read:
"I'm so amazed at HIS plan! Today, I've been married for 3 years!"
About 3 years ago, I would have shaken my head and said, "how sorry for her!"
Now, I'm all "damnit! What about MY plan?"
Yes, God sent me into this world to work menial jobs....and go to law school...and then...what?
No, I don't mean "career-wise." I mean "love-wise!"
i went out walking tonight and reflected upon how I used to think about things.
I used to think about how scared I was. How angry I was that nobody understood. When you're in a situation where you turned a couple of guys down, and it turns out that one of them is a stalker-type, and the other one is a rapist. You aren't thinking, "whew! I am a good judge of character! Maybe the next guy that asks me out won't be that bad." No, you're thinking of how lucky you are that you didn't go. You're lying in bed sick because your nerves have gotten the best of you. You're thinking about what kinds of guys are attracted to you.
You think that you want to shut yourself away because they are all horrible.
And then when you share a room with one in a platonic sense for the first time, you lie there awake all night long.
And it made me even more angry would nobody would at least listen to me. Instead, they made me feel like I was stupid. Or picky. Or whatever adjectives you throw at the dateless.
I think that, if anything, Al Coholic showed me how much I had grown. About 5 years ago, I would have spazed. Now, I view him as an annoyance and with a bit of sadness because he just doesn't get it.
Wow. That is BIG.
And when I listened to some of the music I had written years ago...I was a bit ashamed. I was so angry and so depressed.
How do I feel today? What is "God's Plan?"
Honestly, this is the part of the game where I go off and be "normal." I think the signs are all there that things are about to be what they should have been years ago. I think it would be cruel if I awoke now and the world said, "sorry, hon, you are over the hill! No babies for you."
Why? Because it would be like "men" taking something from me all over again.
"We robbed you of your ability to trust and to love for several years...and now that you're better, we're going to stick our tongues out and say that you are too old."
Although, I suppose I have options.
I have the guy that Coach has been trying to set me up with for years. He's a nice guy, but I'm more than a bit worried because he has a tendency to be lazy in the sense that he moved into Coach's place a few years ago, put his feet up, and didn't find a job for well over a year, and moved back to Houston when his aunt found him something.
Maybe he's "better" than what he used to be. I don't know. It's just that...in my family, the guys that put their feet up and didn't do shit were BAD NEWS. They did drugs, ripped off from their grandma's church, and are like getting blood out of turnips for child support. Maybe this guy is the affable lazy guy.
I even wonder why I'm being so judgmental about him other than the fact that Coach has been bugging the shit out of me about it. After all, I gave Robo a chance, and what is his claim to fame? I wonder now if I wouldn't be so uptight about it if it had been introduced gently and without having heard Coach bitch about him the year they roomed together.
"There's a lazy shit living on my couch who is turning down jobs because they don't pay enough money and who isn't even cleaning up the place with his copious spare time. How would you like to date him?"
I've been sort of emailing the guy who lives in the same apartment complex as his ex. He was affable and such, but he's disappeared over the last couple of days. Maybe he's taking a break, or maybe he thought he over-extended himself by mentioning that he was thinking of going to Marseille over spring break. I wondered if he was asking me if i wanted to go, but retreated.
I wouldn't mind going, but our spring breaks do not match up (stupid St. Mary's!) and it's a bit soon. in spite of the cost, i'd much rather do Europe in the summer. I'm sold after having days of sunlight until 10:30pm.
Eh bien.
And I guess he's not technically better than Coach's friend, either. Sure, I haven't heard of spells of unemployment, but he does seem a bit cozy about where he's at in life and the fact that he doesn't have a car. He showed up on NY's with a ratty old jacket. My instinct was to go, "oh!" but I think the reaction that I need to learn is, "well, he needs a woman to shop for him."
I'm used to my dad's generation not being big into shopping for clothes. Mom bought dad new clothes because he was wearing old man clothes when they first met.
I think younger dudes are much more prone to wanting to take charge in how they look in public. But then, I honestly don't know much about men.
The thing is, I'm a person who is so used to doing everything for themselves that I assume most people want to be left alone. I guess I'll need to accept that men want some indicia of nurturing before they are willing to take the plunge.
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mr. lost will say, why don't you call someone up to go with you (here or there)? and I never do... one, I can do things myself and two, I figure no one would want to go with because I sure as hell wouldn't want to go along with someone.... and that makes one look unfriendly and cold when in my mind, i'm being damned considerate....
so I hear you....
but at least you've got your career on track... that's a big deal...seriously... I wish I could figure that out for myself.
I'm kind of iffy on the whole babies thing.... I feel like it's what I'm supposed to do next but it's never a good time, you know? I'm waiting for a sign or something to tell me, "go!"
with the housing situation and the economy (and not knowing what we'll do two years from now when our arm expires (mistake that one)), I can't see it as being a good idea.... but it IS a nagging thing that as women, we have hanging over our heads, because you're right, we can't fuck around for the next 10-15 years and then think, right, time to have some offspring... it gonna have to be sooner or never for us.... and I don't know anymore which is more scary....