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Saturday December 13, 08
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11:31 AM - lazy
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yesterday was my last final for the semester. yay!
However, my place is a shambles. I made it more of a shambles by digging out my old recordings so I could hear the songs I haven't played in about 10 years.
My GOD, has it been that long?
It literally feels like yesterday, until I play the tapes back and discover songs that I had completely forgotten about. Some were familiar after I had heard them. Others were still vague to me.
It's an interesting story as to why I would care at this point.
Over a month ago, I became facebook friends with some guy whose name I had seen around law school, but who I didn't personally know. I guess he too is a facebook obsessive, and I just so happened to post a Dylan lyric as my status update and a Billy Bragg youtube clip. He became fascinated by this.
It turns out that he's in my negotiations class (which has about 80 people in it). He approached me for a negotiation so he could quiz me about whether I liked Wilco or the Grateful Dead.
I mentioned this to Robo (at the time, things were OK). He said, "you know that he has a girl friend, right?"
Yes, I did know. Facebook told me of that fact, although I found it strange that he was IM'ing me.
His fellow bandmate, another 3rd year, joined in on the action. He's a nice guy. Interesting. Loves working for criminal defense. However, he lists himself as being in an "open relationship" and has a known substance problem. He would get drunk in the daytime and send out loads of emails...which might be cute if he was a 25 year old college student, but the guy has to be at least into his early 40's.
Anyhow, these guys have a band that is basically like all of the 45 year old dude with a pony tail singer-songwriter acts that used to play at the Cactus Cafe. I'm not being mean about it. They just write songs that go on about how their soul is on a train. That's how you can best characterize it. They want to rawk out, play some gigs...and had invited me over for a jam session this past wednesday as I said that I played guitar back in the distant past.
So, i went over on Wednesday, rawked out for a while, but got the feeling that "open relationship" dude was being a bit shy. When I left, he followed me out to my car. I thought, "oh great..."
The next day, he left a "glad you could make it out last night. We should write some songs together" note on my page.
Yes, "oh great" is right. The guy sent me a facebook message last night professing his interest and asking if I wanted to go out with him sometime over the break.
I couldn't figure out how to answer that as "you're an alcoholic 40+ year old in an open relationship who sometimes has hair that doesn't look like it's been washed in 2 weeks" sounded a bit brutal. So, I opted for the "it's not you...it's me" approach. I basically told him that because of the problems I had had in dating a fellow St. Mary's student that dating fellow law students was off the books. I tried not to insult him and hoped I didn't belittle his feelings. However, I'm not moving from one mess to another.
I was very vague. Didn't name names. But I rightfully pointed out that my two months of fun have been transformed into 6 months of misery....and the weird thing is that it continues!
I'll give a story:
So, we briefly hooked back up again. You can say what you want and how I'm stupid....and you're right. But, looking back on it, I think it was necessary for the healing process.
Here's how it played out: things were nice for a few days afterwards. Then, people started acting weird. Who started it? I don't know. The weekend started out with him professing that he still wanted me. But a few days later, it started playing out with him saying he was "too busy" to do anything for the next few weeks because of finals, his kid, and other commitments. Then, he didn't even try to return the couple of phone calls that I made.
I was not surprised by this outcome. Maybe I put out a vibe of "I don't believe you" that fueled it, but I had finally reached the emotional point where I could decide not to chase him anymore and it felt like a weight had been lifted. To add to my resolve, I decided to avoid trying to see him during finals. I know there was a chance he was around the buildings, so I stayed off campus for a few days or hid out in the Journal office. I didn't want weirdness upsetting me, thus throwing me off of my game. I didn't want to know if he wanted to talk to me. I didn't want to know if he *didn't* want to talk to me. Not knowing was a great comfort. It was foiled only slightly because we took the same final last wednesday. I didn't see him before the test because I arrived super early and was in the room for people taking it with laptops. I saw him afterwards and he started going on with "where were you? I looked all over the room and didn't see you. I was worried you might have missed the test." I then caught him staring and smiling at me, but he then promptly disappeared as he had another final in less than 2 hours.
Anyhow so the whole "come jam with our band" thing played out in open over facebook. Around that same time Robo made a couple of comments on the same friend's statuses that I had commented on. One of them referenced a joke that I had made within the last couple of days on somebody else's page. I guess he was making a subtle hint that he could see what I was writing.
Yes, he still hadn't re-added me as a friend, and I'm still blocked from seeing his profile, we obviously have mutual friends because that's the enclave that IS law school. It's like high school because you see the same 700 people all the time.
Anyhoos...
Yesterday was my negotiations final. Robo is in my negotiations class...and I was worried about what sort of reception would occur. I was afraid if a button got pushed that it would throw off my game. I was also afraid he might try to do the "well, i'm done with finals and now it's convenient to see you again" thing afterwards.
Yes...
So, what ended up happening:
My car pulled into the parking lot. It wasn't exactly as early as the first final, and there were definitely a few cars in the parking lot at that point, but it was still relatively early.
I got out, started walking to the classroom building. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Robo also walking from the parking lot.
I thought, "great!" as our paths were obviously going to cross. When they were about to, I turned my head in his direction and said, "hello" to him.
He said nothing, but gave me this wide-eyed stare. I don't read facial expressions that well. I don't know if that was "fuck you" or what, but he kept on walking towards the court yard.
So, I blew it off without a word and kept on walking towards the classroom building.
He then eventually came into the classroom building. He migrated around the room while talking to people, but I caught him looking at me a few times.
After I was done with the exam, I walked out to the parking lot and saw where his car was parked, and realized how early he had gotten there. It looked like he was about the 4th car in the parking lot.
I wondered, "did he get here that early and hang out and wait for me on purpose?"
Yes, that's probably a bit paranoid because maybe he went back out to the car to get a pencil, or maybe he does like some people and just hang out in their car and text message people and have breakfast or something. Still, I find it interesting that he couldn't, at the very least, return a "hello." I think maybe he was trying to start something or just upset me. Whether I intended to or not, I probably threw him for a loop by not saying anything, not chasing him down and begging him with "what's WRONG?" and just kept on walking.
I think I have already been through enough where I was able just to manage to eek out a bit of annoyance at this snub, but keep on going.
I can guess what is wrong: he thinks I've hooked up with "OR" guy within weeks of our little tryst. But that assumption just goes to show you how wrong everything went because, if he was in any sort of communication with me, he would know otherwise. ...and he chose not to return any phone calls.
Maybe he just wants to be re-cast as the victim in all of this and doesn't want to accept responsibility.
I dunno. I've just come to the stellar conclusion that Robo is a fruitcake. I mean, maybe there are some underlying reasons before his actions in that maybe he was burned a few times, and I can see where emotions make people nuts and irrational, but how do you go from being "I can only be your friend" to "I like having you around, but I'm not exclusive" to "I'm pissed that I've been replaced" in the same way that people change underwear?
Yeah, it's nothing that you can hang your hat on. I'd personally like to be in a relationship where i know if i can count on that person to actually want to go out to lunch with me two days after they said supposedly meaningful things.
Still, at the same time, I don't hate him. that sounds a bit weird, yes, but I think it's part of the process. I think I've moved into the "acceptance" stage of this whole thing.....which is great. It may also be why the whole thing fell apart. Maybe it wasn't all him. Maybe I was just starting to move on, and I'll at least chalk up the last couple of months to that. It's just not the same. Plus, it makes your day easier when you aren't consumed by hatred or fear. Yes, i'm still perturbed (as I think that any person in their right mind would be), but I've let go on another level. The dreams about him calling have disappeared. The feelings where I could truly mentally conjure up the smell of his cologne based solely upon the thought of him have faded.
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